My Beautiful Dark Twisted Review - Conquest 12.26.10 - New Year's Eve

[dfmeeks]

One of the best reviews ever!!

[deeluvs2cruise]

Enjoying your review....can't wait for more.

[BallFour4]

Enjoying this so far...

 

Oh, and i am in about 1/2 of your photos or sitting about ten feet from you guys at the events you describe. 52 year old white guy, aging, better looking wife next to me... that's about 1/3 of the guys on the ship, maybe more.

 

 

.

[sunshinecruiser62]

Lovin' the review so far!! Oh, and.......GO BLUE!!!!!;)

[DreaminFP]

Love the review so far.. Go Blue!! I'm a Michigander living in Illinois now but Michigan will always be home!

[xerenthar]

Enjoying this so far...

 

Oh, and i am in about 1/2 of your photos or sitting about ten feet from you guys at the events you describe. 52 year old white guy, aging, better looking wife next to me... that's about 1/3 of the guys on the ship, maybe more.

 

this doesn't really narrow this down, unfortunately. when you said you were in about 1/2 of my photos, i was hoping you were the stalker table. did i talk about that yet? she will feature in my montego bay post, for sure.

 

i promise the ports will be the best part! or at least the most photographed.

 

Lovin' the review so far!! Oh, and.......GO BLUE!!!!!;)

 

Love the review so far.. Go Blue!! I'm a Michigander living in Illinois now but Michigan will always be home!

 

about time you guys showed up! there are buckeyes and spartans all over page 1! go blue!

[SweetpeaOne]

Great review. Can't wait for more....

[2tall]

**Anxiously awaiting the rest of the review**

[NatPatBen]

As we're cruising on the Conquest soon, I'm also eagerly awaiting the rest of your post.

 

Also, how much is the dinner @ Chef's Table? And how did you request that?

[xerenthar]

As we're cruising on the Conquest soon, I'm also eagerly awaiting the rest of your post.

 

Also, how much is the dinner @ Chef's Table? And how did you request that?

 

75 per person. to book, see mach's post: http://boards.cruisecritic.com/showthread.php?p=27440430#post27440430

[xerenthar]

december 28, 2010

 

the 9:45 alarm rings out through our quiet interior stateroom like a crack of thunder. i am awake right when room service should arrive. it arrives 5 minutes later. i eye the tray curiously, seeing: a pot of coffee, half and half, sweetener, a banana, a cereal box, 2 milk cartons, two pieces of toast, and a serving of no fewer than 5 sorts of jelly. ceight elects to sleep rather than eat her cereal. i sample all the jellies, and find that i really like the "guava" and leave the other 4 untouched. i really wish i had more toast. i go back to sleep.

 

we rise and shine around 11ish and head up to 9 to check out the scenery. i take this time to mentally prepare myself for the terror and trepidation that await me on this dreaded island. cruisecritic never exaggerates and is never wrong, and i was trying to figure out how i would escape from the scary "locals" who would hold a knife to my throat and force me to smoke marijuana.

 

having done that, i decide i really want some authentic jerk, so following my online friends' ideas, we head down to the port. i stop at the lobby bar on the way, as my soda sticker had half-vanished in the hot tub. while i wait, i decide some irish cream and coffee is in order. it was delicious. NOW, we head down to the port. we scope the duty free shop, and proceed to the taxi staging area. the port looks like a little prison, really. it's very drab and confined and empty. we hop in the taxi with 2 other fellow travelers and head to the pork pit. we order chicken and pork, along with some red stripes and some fries. while we are waiting, who do we see, but the girl with the red hair and some of her table companions! we ran into her everywhere, but of all places, the pork pit? interesting...

 

after what seems like an eternity, our number is called. the food is so good. an aura of silence descends over our table as we eat the best chicken and pork of our life. we never decide which is better. unfortunately, we run out. we'd opt for a refill were it not for the spirit-crushing wait. we didn't really know what to do with our time at this point. ceight, inexplicably, given her status as the palest girl in the entire world, wants to hit the beach.

 

we noticed one across the street, so we make a mad dash when there's only a bit of oncoming traffic, pay our $5 to get in, dodge the hair braiders, and hang out in the sea. it's kind of cold. the water's so blue. it was a quality time. i take pictures. it was called the 'aqua sol' beach. we make our way out, i almost die stubbing my toe on some sea rocks, i throw seaweed on ceight and she freaks out because she is a seaweedophobic, we get in someone's cab because there were still seats, the self-described "biggest hicks this driver has had all day" were entertaining for about three minutes, then they made me want to take a shotgun mouthwash.

 

we hit the duty free shop, get some sangster's rum cream (if i would have known how delicious, i'd have bought more), a tiny $3 bottle of appleton, and check our watch. there's less than 1 hour to boarding, but we're already here. what could we possibly do with this time?! i know that i haven't hinted at any of our predilections towards overconsumption in the past...

 

buuuuuuut, the port's bar had 2-for-1 drinks the last hour before boarding. we have 2 rum punches and a mojito each, and peace out onto the Conquest. we go up to 9 to watch sailaway, edwin informs us that there is more rum punch to be had, and we have it. the evening is mostly uneventful. our time in the casino was well spent. a guy next to me won a good $3,000 playing blackjack.

 

i realize that being on a cruise full of texans is interesting in its own right - there was a lot of latin music and a lot of country music. at one point, "all my exes live in texas" started playing, and ceight and i were the only two at the blackjack table (and indeed, in the entire casino) not singing along, having never heard this particular stroke of musical genius before. country music aside, many of the texans i have met on this journey were quite affable, and generally a pleasure to be around. i remember a certain gentleman who was heading to the same resort in cozumel we were remarking we'll have to do some tequila shots. i remind ceight that mexico offers her a chance to face her own demons - she had not consumed tequila since a bar night here in michigan wherein she consumed too much dollar-shot-tequila. she shivered in anxiety and fear, but resolved to try some tequila.

 

the 'iced tea' was instrumental in this evening: amazingly, no bar charges were incurred, as a result.

 

here are some pictures of the beach, jamaica, and sailaway (ones that look awful were taken with awful film(!) underwater disposables):

(o hai other ship)

[xerenthar]

i am limited to six images per post(?), so here are three more:

(top of ceight head)

[MichelleChell]

More more!!

[xerenthar]

more will come. early this week i'll finish ports for sure.

[lbradford2]

I, for one, am surprised you are remembering this trip in such detail! Haha. Great review so far, can't wait for the rest.

[xerenthar]

I, for one, am surprised you are remembering this trip in such detail! Haha. Great review so far, can't wait for the rest.

 

the bar tab statement really helps. without it, it'd be a 7 day review wherein i combine all these stories into one really, really, really long night, punctuated by port stops and a big clock.

[RAMSJUNKIE887]

Come on now dont leave us hangin

[xerenthar]

good news. not only did i not leave you hangin (updates tonight, swear), but i FOUND the fun times! i'll be going back and updating the old posts with new things, including my not-quite-victory in the hairy chest contest.

 

but now, svu and a sandwich.

[gapearl]

More of this review PLEASE!!! :D ;)

[Clearwater]

Ha, funny review! While I don't live in Texas, and I am not planning a Conquest trip, I still like to read the other reviews.

 

I like your rather witty candor. My boyfriend is a former Detroit'er who went to UofM. He would say your review is so great because you are from Michigan. That is his response to anything or person I like from there.

 

So vicariously, here is another Wolverine fan. Can't wait to read the rest!

[xerenthar]

well, edit is disabled, apparently.

 

the real highlight of monday was the hairy chest contest. sadly, i got cut in the 2nd cut. it didn't stop a young girl (10, max) at the stalker's table from announcing to her table (very loudly) that "a guy from the hairy chest contest was RIGHT THERE!!!" it was awkwardawesome.

 

i'll just proceed ahead with december 30 (as the 28 above was really the 29.)

[xerenthar]

december 30, 2010

 

we had booked a carnival excursion for this one - the dolphin swim and stingray city visit.

 

good: we get one of the first tenders out, guaranteed. we meet in degas at 7:30.

bad: i have to be up WHEN?

 

we wake up by 7 to grab some breakfast, and discover...EVERYONE's meeting in degas at 7:30... so we can...ALL go to deck 0 together. this was productive.

 

we meet our group (9AM excursion) around 8:45, and finally get onto a bus at 9:35ish.

 

arriving at dolphin cove, we go through a little nature walk they've constructed. there are birds.

 

there are a boatload of groups at dolphin cove, but thankfully, since we did the 'swim' and not the 'encounter' (thanks, extra $100 for both of us! this really came in handy!), we were one of the initial 6 to go in the water. we notice chickens walking around freely.

 

i jump in, and that magical reflex kicks in (this also happened on the waterslide... every time i went down it) - i see approaching saltwater, and make sure to open my mouth and flare my nostrils. salt water up the sinuses for miles, i tell you. it was COLD water, too. we have to swim...maybe, oh, 100 feet? at most? IMMEDIATELY, a woman started loudly complaining that she wanted out. everyone is just like ....just swim. or float. she manages to make it over with her family's assistance, and continues complaining until they pull her out of the water. if you are posting here on CC, and would like an easier and more comfortable way to light $150 on fire (or, as the analogy may be, throw it to the bottom of the sea), please email me.

 

the actual dolphin swim was great. my girlfriend had wanted to do it for a long time, and her last one was cancelled (presumably on a superior cruise line with less hats in the dining room.) i had way more fun than i thought i would. swimming with the dolphins was great, the trainers were on top of everything, and i relished at the thought of posting this review and getting the PETA brigade on cruisecritic all riled up.

 

once we were out of the water, we got onboard a boat to head out to stingray city. we had a nice boat ride, and arrive. a surprising number of people didn't realize this wasn't, say, a petting zoo, get scared of the water, and stay on the boat. even more are filled with trepidation at the idea of jumping into the water, and cluster around the ladder down for ages.

 

the tour guide was great. he showed us how to properly pick up a stingray, how to feed them, and did different photo tricks with them. ceight feels a stingray brush against her foot and freaks out. i feed the stingrays her piece of food. upon getting back on the boat, there's a kid who unwisely ran his leg alongside a stingray's back, and has a little cut. he, of course, thinks it's cool as hell, and brags he got "stung" by a stingray. his parents think it's less cool, and DEMAND the tour guide "investigate" this. he mumbles under his breath that the kid would be in a hell of a lot more pain if he got stung. he promises to look for band-aids and doesn't return. we all snicker. the parents whine some more.

 

upon returning to dolphin discovery, i swallow my outrage at the photo prices and encourage ceight to get her favorite one. (this was after i figured with the number of people hawking the photos that i wouldn't be able to clandestinely log on to my email and send one to myself.)

 

we get a bus back to georgetown. traffic begins to ruin my day. the last tender is at 3PM. we get back around 2:15. ceight thinks we should be in line at 2:30. i happen to disagree. unfortunately, blackbeard's is no longer selling liquor due to the strange liquor laws about tendering the liquor to the ship. big black dick rum would have to wait another day. strangely, tortuga's is. we snap up some rum cake. i persuade ceight to come find LCDH with me and pick up some cigars. we find it around 2:35, and are in the gigantic line soon after. tendering was uneventful at best.

 

we have a steakhouse reservation at 8:15, but we're hungry (no lunch, obvs.) we hit the sushi bar. it's the most disappointing food of the cruise. we end up hitting the buffet for a light snack.

 

we still end up having about 30 minutes before we head up to the steakhouse, so what is there to do? according to my S&S statement, there is "SUN POOL BAR" at 7:33 and then "SKY BAR" at 7:45. we head up to the steakhouse.

 

the service was great. the table we got initially happened to be under a light so bright it appeared to be a combination with a laser pointer. they offer to move us without problem. the sommelier was knowledgable and not obviously pushing wine out of the price range i was looking at. the food was great. i got the porterhouse, and could not have been happier. i'd go again, due to my love of steakhouses. ceight would take it or leave it. all in all it was a nearly 3 hour experience. we have them send the remainder of our wine to the renoir cellar, which, for those keeping track, is now up to 3 of our bottles of wine. these would all be finished on the same night.

 

we decide to hit the 12AM comedy club show. we bop around in the casino until then. we wonder if there's a secret to why anyone would think slot machines are fun, given that it's hitting a button until you win or lose. we both put $10 in a penny slot. the secret has got to be some sort of mental defect, because it was boring and cost $10.

 

the comedy show was great. the female comic (it was a shared set) was amazing, and we end up seeing her later on NYE.

 

after this, we once again lament that the late-night activities end at 11 except for the disco/casino and boozing, so we do a combination of those 3.

 

i'm going to add a section here that i wasn't able to due to the dearth of fun times before. this will be my favorite parts of each day's fun times. i'll even start with the old ones. these things give me quite a kick because they're carefully balanced to inform guests what's going on onboard while trying to sell the most stuff possible.

 

december 26 - galveston

 

this one isn't too objectionable or notable. i did notice that the ad to use your S&S "for up to $1500" per day mentioned that you should "keep your change for the vending machine." i did not see a vending machine onboard. other than that, the fun times was greatly informative - it told me that my full bar service would be delayed until we get out to international waters.

 

december 27 - sea

 

day 2 of the fun shops ranking in the "top ten" sidebar. in a trip back to 1995, the "phoning home at a low rate" of $2.99/min makes sure we know that it applies to "1-800 calling cards, credit cards, and collect calls."

 

december 28 - sea

 

day 3 of the fun shops. an ad for a dubious spa session that will let me lose "8 inches of external toxins" also features in the top 1. further into the fun times, there's an ad for acupuncture. this just seems like a bad idea on a moving ship.

 

december 29 - jamaica

 

the fun shops drops off - too much other fun going on, i see. i notice they have temporary tattoos on the top ten - a far cry from the REAL tattoo parlor on RCCL's new ships that allows me to get my favorite cruisecritic member's name tattooed on my forehead after edwin encourages me to get my 6th bottle of wine.

 

december 30 - today! this post! grand cayman

 

so, yes, the fun shops return. i notice that most of these ads for the fun shops are advertising the prices they are...every day. i also notice that "twilight massage" ends at 10, the normal spa closing time. but by far the best part of this fun times was that there clearly was nothing to do aboard the conquest today. the #7 thing to do in the top ten was "stateroom laundry." oh boy. better bust out the highlighter for this...

 

relevant pictures (5 per post):

[xerenthar]

 

***** there are chickens running around

 

 

(in background is the newly hydrophobic contingent)

[xerenthar]

[ohitssunshine]

Love the review so far! Glad you had the bar tabs to help tell your story- look forward to more!