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After-Action Report, Victory, May 8-11, 2014

HeyYouKidsGetOffMyLawn
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loubetti

loubetti

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In the next episode:

 

 

=================

 

While you wait:

Lou has my permission to stop laughing.

BattyL can continue to believe I'm not a grumpy old man.

 

Great! Now you just started me laughing again!!!:eek:

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HeyYouKidsGetOffMyLawn

HeyYouKidsGetOffMyLawn

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It's morning. I slide open the shades to our window and stare at the walkway in the front of the boat. If I stand on my toes, I can see the ocean far away in the distance.

 

The boat won't dock in Cozumel until after noon today, so we have plenty of time to waste. I browse the Fun Times and notice breakfast is being served in one of the dining rooms. I take a five minute shower, brush my teeth and find clean clothes. My wife does something similar, but it takes a little longer. I think she was recalculating the impact of a 17 basis point shift in 90-day LIBOR on a series of interest rate swap agreements. Because, that would take a while, if you want to do a good job.

 

Consulting a map of the ship, we find our way to the 'other' main dining rooms. This one is called 'Pacific'. We've been to the Atlantic for dinner. Breakfast is "open seating," which means you find the entrance and stand in the line that never moves. There's a sign that promises they'll find you a table. Sometime today. Be patient, you're on vacation, and this is the Fun Ship, so you are required to have fun right now. We mean it. Fun. Now. Go.

 

We make eye-contact with the Maitre d' in a rather sharp officer uniform. He recognizes us, because he's the same one as we have for dinner. He walks down from the podium area, smiles at us, and tells us to wait here for a moment. Precisely one moment later, he's back and he leads us through the back entrance of the dining room on a path without ramps or stairs, and seats us at a lovely table next to a window. A window on the 4th deck of the ship at sea. We're moving fast through the waves, and salt spray is hitting the windows and drying to form a cloudy layer, then washed away by the next splash, giving a brief view of the water.

 

I'm given a menu without prices, but otherwise identical to the breakfast cafe at a 'business-class' hotel anywhere in America. A hotel that's more expensive than you expected, but a dollar less than your company's travel agency claims is appropriate for this city. And it's just a short drive away from the airport and a few minutes down-the-road from the bland conference room where you'll spend most of today finalizing the agreement about ... Yawn.

 

But you have a corporate travel card, and your meals allowance is pretty generous, so you load your one carry-on into the trunk of the least interesting mid-sized American sedan ever sold to a rental agency. And with a resigned shrug, you admit that it's both efficient and convenient, so you wander back into the faux-nice hotel for breakfast.

 

Meanwhile, back on the boat: Warm coffee is delivered, along with one of those adorable tiny pitchers of cream and a bowl filled with a variety of colorful sweetener packets. My wife doesn't see her favorite color, so she asks the next roving waitress for... and the requested item appears within seconds along with a polite apology for the inconvenience.

 

I order Eggs Benedict, a side of sausage links, white toast and a glass of orange juice. I almost ordered an omelette, but my face started to twitch every time I looked at that section of the menu.

 

Service wasn't exactly slow, but this is clearly going to be a leisurely breakfast. I didn't mind, because there was a window within arms-reach and I could watch waves flying by as the mighty Victory valiantly charged across the Gulf of Mexico towards Cozumel.

 

The second pot of coffee arrives, and this one is hot and very fresh.

 

I cannot explain what happened next: My Eggs Benedict were perfect. Just technically outstanding, with a gently poached egg that dribbled bright yellow yolk past the warm bacon layer and onto the lightly toasted english muffins. This ... this is completely unexpected. I check my Sign and Sail card several times, and it still says 'Carnival.'

 

Ordering a 'side of sausage links' means two tiny things in an oval bowl, hot but without obvious scorch marks. I'm so angry about the portion size, I start screaming that I'm never returning to this restaurant again. People are staring at us. They're pointing fingers and whispering. My wife tells me to calm down, I'm making a scene. Then I have another bite of the eggs and I'm in nirvana. A sip of robust coffee, a bite of toast. Aaaaahhhhhhh. This is wonderful.

 

We leave the Pacific dining room and I'm in a haze.

Edited by HeyYouKidsGetOffMyLawn
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HeyYouKidsGetOffMyLawn

HeyYouKidsGetOffMyLawn

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Around noon, I run out to the 'sekrit deck' in front of our cabin. I think I can see land!

 

I look around and yell out "Land, Ho!" I swear I didn't see the outraged lady standing right behind me, but when she slaps me, I can certainly feel it.

 

"Arrrr. I'm a pirate. Yo Ho Ho and a carefully measured shot of rum from a bored bartender."

 

We start to pull into the dock. I mean, we're hundreds of yards away. There are other people on the deck now, and I offer to snap pictures of cute couples.

 

I notice that the other ships docked at Cozumel are smaller. Smaller and with a completely different ratio of balcony to window-only cabins. I start to imagine it's the year 2000 again, and I'm on the largest cruise ship class in the world. You will fear my majestic Destiny-Class vessel, little people. Look upon our greatness and despair.

 

I name the other boats "the Good Ship Lollipop" (probably the Carnival Paradise) and the "SS Minnow" (Vision of the Seas).

 

We dock in Cozumel without a tugboat to push us against the dock. I knew this was possible, but the boat just pulled alongside the dock, then moved sideways. Sideways. I think they use enormous magnets or something.

 

The intra-ship P/A system comes to life.

 

"Hello, you miserable creatures. This your cruise director with some important information. We have docked at Cozumel, but will not be unloading for a few more minutes. I promise we'll make another announcement when it's time to..."

 

<pause> <tap> <tap> <tap>

 

"Okay people, I know this microphone works and you can all hear me. Please, for the love of all that is good in the world, stop running towards the exit doors. It will just be a few more..."

 

<pause>

 

"Oh no. Is that a knife? What? You want us to play "Happy" by Pharrell Williams again? Again? Are you serious? Okay, Okay. I believe you. Would a crew member please go to the Lido deck and press play on the music box thingy? And I can not stress this enough, do it quickly. Don't worry, you don't have to fiddle with any knobs or buttons, just press play. It's the only song this boat owns."

 

<pause>

 

"I see you've broken down the doors leading outside. Well, I give up. If there is anybody on this boat who is not currently pushing and shoving their way off the ship, I suppose you can make your way down here and join the festivities."

 

"As a side note, I hate my life and every single one of you. That is all."

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jaxie001

jaxie001

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Hey! You know what isn't dark? Mojitos! I had the first Mojito of my life while I was watching the song-and-dance show. And it was simply delicious! Gently bruised mint leaves floating in an ice-cold glass with fruit juice, ice cubes and rum. This is my new all-time favorite drink to order on a cruise ship. I didn't have a previous favorite. Well, maybe the fruity red one. It didn't just have a pineapple wedge, there was a cherry in there too.

LOL...had my first mojito on a carnival ship as well...Rasperberry mojito in the dining room :)...only place I could get them...they did not like it when i went back banging on the dining room door all the time even tho it was closed ;)

 

Loving this review...Awesome!!

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HeyYouKidsGetOffMyLawn

HeyYouKidsGetOffMyLawn

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Okay, "Mr. Lawn", now thou exaggerate! I cannot believe a Tannoy announcement like that one you quoted! Then again, it's Carinval!

 

You caught me. I may have slightly misquoted our delightful cruise director. But I think I managed to capture his increasingly exasperated series of announcements as the ship was unloading.

 

And "Happy" was playing on the Lido deck when we walked through on the way off the ship. I kid you not.

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loubetti

loubetti

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You caught me. I may have slightly misquoted our delightful cruise director. But I think I managed to capture his increasingly exasperated series of announcements as the ship was unloading.

 

And "Happy" was playing on the Lido deck when we walked through on the way off the ship. I kid you not.

 

Okay, I knew I caught you. Your writing is so good that I just had to.

 

As to cruise directors: Never had a need for them, I just directed my own cruise from day one.

 

So, now, get back on track, as I need to get laughing again! :D:D:D

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092306

092306

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Posted (edited)
We are going on a 7 day for his Birthday in September...I'm sure that one will be just as amusing. :)

 

Mrs. KidsGetoffmylawn

 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I717 using Forums mobile app

 

So glad he agreed to another one! I will be looking out for that review!

Edited by 092306
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HeyYouKidsGetOffMyLawn

HeyYouKidsGetOffMyLawn

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We had a hard time deciding on an excursion in Cozumel. The Victory doesn't arrive until 1 PM, and you have to get back on the boat at 9:30 PM. So, the default plans to visit an all-day inclusive beach resort were dampened by advertised closing times of around 5:00 PM. Not really worth it for three hours on the beach.

 

She isn't exactly athletic, so ... half of the excursions were instantly impractical.

 

We considered a cooking class.

 

We considered just shopping close to the pier and returning to the boat early.

 

We eventually found a non-affiliated tour somewhere online that looked possible and fun.

 

"Welcome to Cozumel! When you leave the boat, take a taxi ride to a meeting location 5 minutes away. Eat an authentic lunch on the beach, do a little snorkeling, then share a brand new dune buggy with two other tourists. We expect you to split the driving. Begin a life-endangering ride to a ecological park (Punta Sur) to play with crocodiles. Then another short dune buggy drive to a view a set of ruins. A long drive along beautiful beaches to visit a tequila tour full of recreations of things that don't really happen on Cozumel. Finally, a short drive back to the pier, where you can get back on your fancy boat and leave our island."

 

She's been working on her endurance, and we were 83% sure that she could manage the walking sections of the tour if we broke it into 100 yard intervals with a rest between them. So, we booked that one online, paid a small deposit and received a confirmation email with a set of instructions.

 

And this is where things get surreal.

 

Because the email instructions were sort of like: Go to the pirate bar on the beach, between the other two bars with actual addresses. Be there by 2:15. Knock three times on the green door and ask for Pedro. They'll say Pedro isn't here. Respond with: "The silver seagull swoops down to the sand," then wink. An agent will meet you within ten minutes. Do exactly what he asks, and things will be fine.

 

I'm a little nervous about the timing, because the boat isn't scheduled to dock until 1:00, so we need to get off the boat, into a taxi and down the road pretty quickly. Of course, Cozumel is an hour behind Miami/boat time, so we really have plenty of time. But I didn't realize this, because I don't own an atlas.

 

So, we wander off of the Victory and taking breaks when appropriate, we make it through "No Bargains Available Here Shopping Village" to the taxi stand. Stand in line for a moment, then I show my printout to the taxi driver, pointing to the address where I want to go. "No problem, sir. I think I know this place you want."

 

10 minutes and $11 dollars later, he pulls into a dirt parking lot.

 

https://www.google.com/maps/@20.450548,-86.989805,3a,75y,146.9h,78.36t/data=!3m4!1e1!3m2!1skTUTvUdq86O8M1Zg6cP0sw!2e0?hl=en

 

I get out and ask the taxi driver to wait a moment. I run towards the clearly abandoned building and I'm met halfway by the owner/manager/just some guy. Once again demonstrating my absolute lack of any Spanish words, I point to the paper, point to the building and ask in my finest ignorant American voice, "Yes? Here?"

 

"Yes. You are here."

 

"Is this the right place?"

 

"Of course, sir. This is always the right place. Our beer is very cold."

 

"Uh. Great, I guess."

 

Not quite filled with confidence, I retrieve my wife from the taxi, and it speeds away in a cloud of dust. We take a seat in the shady/covered area and look around. A few minutes later, one car drives down the road. We’re not going to be hailing a taxi from here if things go badly... A few construction workers drift into the bar, buy beers and walk back to work making a resort down the road.

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Danacat222

Danacat222

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I'm a little nervous about the timing, because the boat isn't scheduled to dock until 1:00, so we need to get off the boat, into a taxi and down the road pretty quickly. Of course, Cozumel is an hour behind Miami/boat time, so we really have plenty of time. But I didn't realize this, because I don't own an atlas.

 

Bwahahaha. Oh my.

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Whimsy88

Whimsy88

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I'm looking forward to the next installment - not our ship, not our itinerary, but I love reading reviews and yours is hysterical! You would probably get on well with my husband. He just bought new shorts for our upcoming cruise and told me he wanted to look for something that just screams "yay" (insert bored Ben Stein voice here). He bought plaid shorts - in various shades of gray!:D

 

Please do write a book - I'll buy it!

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