Help with disabled relative who probably shouldn’t cruise but is insisting.

[Peachypooh]

34 minutes ago, Petoonya said:

 

I guess this is why I posted. I know it will impact everyone. Slow his daughter, husband and children down. Limit shore excursions. I’m an RN and my husband is a physical therapist. I feel somewhat pressured to contribute to this gentleman’s need of assistance. My husband is adamant that we branch off and do our own thing as not to impact our cruise. We work hard to be able to cruise and if it were a blood relative maybe I’d feel differently.

 

The other thing is that the man is very demanding and not a nice person! And we may invest in an extra 4 specialty dinners. He and his wife eat with their hands, and sort of have other pretty gross eating habits. I’m visiting their family right now and just watched this man drink out of the kitchen sink faucet and then spit in the kitchen sink. Their daughter my DIL is an elegant perfect lady.

 

There is nothing I can do to change my DILs mind- I know she feels stuck and in a bad position. My son is the one who is really stuck- not wanting the man 

to join us but not being able to say no to his wife. I’ve tried to appeal to both of their good senses but think this is just the way it’s going to be. I think it’ll hurt both my son and DIL if we don’t stay with them and engage in same activities, but think we’re going to be selfish and go our own way on the cruise. 

I have been in your position. It is a tough one to be in. I don't think it is selfish to want a break from your very high pressured fields. I am a retired RN and one of the last jobs I had was a supervisor in a nursing home. The LAST thing I would have

wanted to do is bring a needy/frail person along with me on my much needed vacation. Not because I am selfish but because I need a break too. You said you are before final payment. I actually bailed on a cruise I was going to do with other relatives due to these kinds of concerns once. One other time we did go and  helped out but definitely went our own way for shore excursions. 

Good luck with what you decide. P.S. If you are able to speak with your son about this ahead of time they will not be surprised when you carve out some time alone just you and your husband.

[Petoonya]

1 minute ago, Peachypooh said:

I have been in your position. It is a tough one to be in. I don't think it is selfish to want a break from your very high pressured fields. I am a retired RN and one of the last jobs I had was a supervisor in a nursing home. The LAST thing I would have

wanted to do is bring a needy/frail person along with me on my much needed vacation. Not because I am selfish but because I need a break too. You said you are before final payment. I actually bailed on a cruise I was going to do with other relatives due to these kinds of concerns once. One other time we did go and  helped out but definitely went our own way for shore excursions. 

Good luck with what you decide. P.S. If you are able to speak with your son about this ahead of time they will not be surprised when you carve out some time alone just you and your husband.

Thanks so much! I can feel the layers of guilt peeling off.

I’m a homecare and hospice nurse and husband is a geriatric PT. We dread the thought of carrying work with us that we’re aiming to get away from. If this man were less arrogant and entitled I might feel differently.

 

Days before final payment he was not going. Then 2 days after we did final he changed his mind so if we had a choice without paying a penalty we’d bail. We’re going to try to keep our distance as much as possible. I’ll have a mom to son talk just as you suggest, and my husband (son’s stepfather) is happy to take the blame. I hate to hurt son and DILs feelings as love them dearly. But spending too much to let it be just like work.

Thanks once again. 🙂

[April42749]

I was going to say something many posts ago....but everyone was advising you "how to make it happen".

If it were me, I just wouldn't go.  Because both you and your husband are in the health field, it probably makes "this man and his family" feel more comfortable.  But, it's your vacation.  You have no obligation to go on tours, go around the ship or eat with them.  

 

Plan your own personal itinerary and maybe plan to meet-up once in a while in a lounge.  Your husband sounds wonderful in that he's willing to take the blame.  I always tell DH to blame me for this kind of stuff with his family.

 

 

[hamrag]

59 minutes ago, Petoonya said:

Thanks so much! I can feel the layers of guilt peeling off.

I’m a homecare and hospice nurse and husband is a geriatric PT. We dread the thought of carrying work with us that we’re aiming to get away from. If this man were less arrogant and entitled I might feel differently.

 

Days before final payment he was not going. Then 2 days after we did final he changed his mind so if we had a choice without paying a penalty we’d bail. We’re going to try to keep our distance as much as possible. I’ll have a mom to son talk just as you suggest, and my husband (son’s stepfather) is happy to take the blame. I hate to hurt son and DILs feelings as love them dearly. But spending too much to let it be just like work.

Thanks once again. 🙂

 

My heart and thoughts go out to you for deciding to endure this. As a (grand)parent, I absolutely understand the desire not to hurt feelings...such a shame that the selfish, entitled, individual creating all of this is not caring about your feelings! 

[Zippeedee]

This whole trip has seemed like a bad idea since you first posted about it months ago. It is pretty clear your heart isn't in it but you are doing your duty for your son and DIL. That is honorable but can make you miserable too. 

 

If the man's doctor "doesn't think it is a good idea" that should be pursued.  I hope he has good insurance because this seems like a situation where a helicopter evacuation or some other medical emergency could easily happen. Isn't flying soon after a stroke a really bad idea? Blood clots and such?

[hamrag]

37 minutes ago, April42749 said:

I was going to say something many posts ago....but everyone was advising you "how to make it happen"...

 Not everyone was advising 'how to make it happen'! 😉

[Budget Queen]

On 1/23/2020 at 1:20 PM, Petoonya said:

 

 

I have an in-law relative who had a stroke two months ago. He can only walk with a walker. He’s never driven anything so I have difficulty believing he could even navigate a scooter. 

 

We we are sailing Bliss to Alaska in May with our son and daughter-in-law and the man affected is DIL’s father. I think his deciding to travel is pretty crazy as not even his doctor believes it’s a good idea. I don’t know even how he would transfer to get on a plane- wheelchairs only drop one outside the door of the plane and the person has to make way to the seat on their own.

 

Not only that but this gentleman and wife don’t speak English with no motivation to learn. Which means my DIL will have to be at his side night and day. The dad had his heart set on going to Alaska before going back to Nepal. 

 

I’m strongly discouraging my DIL from allowing this as she has the last word. Final payment is due upcoming week. She says the cruise gives him motivation to get better which is true. So I get that angle.

 

I have cruised for 35 years mostly Oceania, Windstar and Celebrity and see too many situations where a person can’t get by without being able to stand for at least a minute or not have to put up with some stairs disembarking or problems with the tender. One’s balance comes into play too.

 

Any disabled persons have some encourage or discouragement? thanks!

PS- already posted question on disabled board

Are you on this trip?   Are you being expected to assist with care?    If not. Then it’s not your decision.   

 

You are wrong about plane access-  aisle chairs are available and wheelchairs can manage very well with cruise ships.   

 

I’ll mention I’d never give up the travels I did with a fairly total care person now that he’s gone. I managed very well with a routine and preparation.   

[Petoonya]

1 minute ago, hamrag said:

 

My heart and thoughts go out to you for deciding to endure this. As a (grand)parent, I absolutely understand the desire not to hurt feelings...such a shame that the selfish, entitled, individual creating all of this is not caring about your feelings! 

 

1 minute ago, Zippeedee said:

This whole trip has seemed like a bad idea since you first posted about it months ago. It is pretty clear your heart isn't in it but you are doing your duty for your son and DIL. That is honorable but can make you miserable too. 

 

If the man's doctor "doesn't think it is a good idea" that should be pursued.  I hope he has good insurance because this seems like a situation where a helicopter evacuation or some other medical emergency could easily happen. Isn't flying soon after a stroke a really bad idea? Blood clots and such?

You are both 100% correct.

The last couple days visiting my kids (and this gross man is also here) makes me think we are roped into this and thats the way it is.

I booked my shore excursions today as know we won’t be doing the same things. Gets us out of that. Now  looking at  specialty dinners and while I’m a vegetarian I’m insistent on something akin to Nepali food as he is lol! So my DIL will have to figure out that piece for us. We accommodate and have MDR dinners.

i have to add this. I saw this “gentleman” earlier today stick his head under the kitchen faucet and then spit TWICE in the kitchen sink. Still heaving a bit I’ve that.

wish me well but we’ll manage.

Thanks for all the caring support.

[cruisinmeme]

More power to the dad and his daughter (your daughter in law) but don’t make their problem your problem. Go about your business and enjoy the cruise. You didnt sign up to be a health aid and apparently DIL has.  Not being cruel just realistic.

 

i am repeating my earlier post.

[Petoonya]

6 hours ago, Budget Queen said:

Are you on this trip?   Are you being expected to assist with care?    If not. Then it’s not your decision.   

 

You are wrong about plane access-  aisle chairs are available and wheelchairs can manage very well with cruise ships.   

 

I’ll mention I’d never give up the travels I did with a fairly total care person now that he’s gone. I managed very well with a routine and preparation.   

Yes I’m on the cruise or I wouldn’t be in this position of family members expecting help from me lol! If I knew that this man did not have expectations of me and expect the group to accommodate all his wishes there would be no reason to post. You may have missed a lot of my earlier posts.

 

its entirely his choice, it’s just making everyone else sad that they will be dragged down by him, He doesn’t really give a hoot about anyone else, final payments were made before he decided to go,

 

i am am mightily appreciative for the many people who’ve offered support, encouragement and kindness. I am relieved to know I don’t have to feel guilty- as much as I love my son and DIL it is their problem sadly. Thank you thank you thank you everyone= you’ve helped me enormously. Much love,

 

nancy

Edited January 25, 2020 by Petoonya

[Iworktocruiseandtravel]

It sounds like he’s insisting on going.  I hope he has travel insurance that’ll cover any sickness also.   I’m a bit worried the doctor doesn’t think it’s a good idea for him to travel.  Does your DIL know why?   Due to HIPPA, she may not, but he must remember he’s going against doctors advice if he does go.   My last cruise with my mother in law was to Alaska.    We live on the east coast, so flew to Seattle and back.   When we got back, I honestly looked at my husband (then he was my fiancé), and said she was done cruising.   She couldn’t do any walking by herself.    Someone would always have to go with her anywhere she went.   Looking back on it, if we had planned it a little better, things definitely would’ve went a lot smoother... should’ve had an accessible room, and a scooter for her to get around on her own.   The following year we got married in Jamaica.  We rented her a scooter for the time we were there, and rented a beach wheelchair for the wedding ceremony (we got married on the beach).   Made a big difference!!!   Everyone had their independence.  
Your DIL and family need to understand it’s not easy pushing a wheelchair everywhere all day long.  Someone would be “chained” to him constantly.   The scooter would definitely help with this.   Remember that it’s your vacation, too!!!   I know that sounds a bit selfish, but unless he’s paying your fare for everything, you are on vacation.    

[Markanddonna]

This may sound cruel to some, but as I have grown older, my new view on topics like this is "not my circus, not my monkey."  My heart would go out to the son and daughter in law, but you deserve a lovely cruise. There are very few people I would make that sacrifice for: my DH, children and grandkids. Now, if you paid my way, maybe..., But only if the person was nice.

[Homosassa]

Has NCL asked for a pre cruise "Fit to Travel" authorization?

 

In some lines, and I don't know if NCL is one of them, a request for an accessible cabin or other assistance, will trigger a request from the cruise line for a "Fit to Travel" statement from the physician. It is more than a simple letter; it goes into specific medical questions.

 

We cruise with a friend that has cerebral palsy and uses a motor scooter. He has routinely received this type of pre cruise documentation request from other lines.

 

It is also possible, with the absence of the pre cruise assessment by his doctor and depending on the man's physical condition, that he will be pulled aside for assessment by the ship's physician before being allowed to board.

[Cruisercl]

If this man had a stroke just 2 months ago he probably is not physically or even emotionally strong enough to take on such a trip. Same with the family, they most likely are still trying get their hearts and head  on what happened to their beloved family member. Recovery from a stroke can take a long time, even years. More than likely why his physician doesn't think he should go. I believe people forget how rigorous travel is now, even with assistance.

The man has done a parental guilt trip on his daughter; his disrespectful behavior may be as a result of his stroke changing his personality. It happens. She may not be capable of saying no to him.

OP, I totally understand where you are coming from; the situation is difficult to watch.

I am in HC also. If they decide to take him, make recommendations if asked but otherwise I would stay out of it. Enjoy your own cruise as best you can.

JMHO.

Safe travels all!

[Peachypooh]

We are currently primary caregivers for two elderly relatives. We  have gotten repeated requests from

them to take them places (car trips, cruises, etc.) We have  said no every time because we were afraid for their

welfare and also it would have been difficult for us. What would we have done if they fell in a roadside rest stop

hundreds of miles from home?

Anyway one other relative decided we were being too cautious(aka mean) and decided to take them on a 16 hour round trip

visit to see other relatives with a three night stay at the relative's house They only

see these elderly people 2 times a year and were in denial as to their limitations. As we feared one of the two elderly

people fell. Fortunately they have recovered now. My point is sometimes relatives are blinded by love, guilt or loyalty

to say no to requests. For now the requests for us to take the two elderly relatives has slowed way down. Thank

goodness for their sake and ours.

[Jasukkie]

I have done cruises where I have gone in knowing I would sacrifice my own experience to help out elderly relatives. In all cases, they were people I love very much, both blood and non-blood. I have also done cruises that were all about my experience. If this is a very much needed vacation for you and your husband, you must set limits now. I'm an RN too so I completely understand where you are coming from. I hope your cabins are far apart. Don't get the internet/ship texting plan and leave your phones in the safe. Make your own dinner reservations. It's important that everyone knows this is the way it's going to be before the cruise. If you don't feel you can set those limits then I would reschedule. 

[Granny DI]

I have several questions.

When was the last time this man traveled?

Has he ever been on a cruise? 
Have your son and daughter-in-law ever cruised before?

Who is paying for your son and daughter-in-law’s Cruise?

Who invited the father?

These questions may have already been answered. If so I apologize.

 

From what little I know, I think this problem is your son and daughter-in-law’s problem.

This will be a learning experience for what is yet to come with this man’s health problems. Some very serious decisions will have to be made.

 

 

[Sauer-kraut]

On 1/24/2020 at 5:34 PM, Petoonya said:

i have to add this. I saw this “gentleman” earlier today stick his head under the kitchen faucet and then spit TWICE in the kitchen sink.

 

At least he wasn't spitting on the floor.....🤮

[Petoonya]

21 minutes ago, Sauer-kraut said:

 

At least he wasn't spitting on the floor.....🤮

 

Toreador....don’t spit on the floor: Use the cuspidor: That’s what it’s for.

[Tee & Chilli]

For many people Alaska is a long distance and expensive. You shouldn’t have to make sacrifices in your vacation and enjoyment for someone else.

[esm54687]

6 hours ago, Granny DI said:

I have several questions.

When was the last time this man traveled?

Has he ever been on a cruise? 
Have your son and daughter-in-law ever cruised before?

Who is paying for your son and daughter-in-law’s Cruise?

Who invited the father?

These questions may have already been answered. If so I apologize.

 

From what little I know, I think this problem is your son and daughter-in-law’s problem.

This will be a learning experience for what is yet to come with this man’s health problems. Some very serious decisions will have to be made.

 

 

"These questions may have already been answered. If so I apologize" 

 

UGH 

[Petoonya]

17 minutes ago, esm54687 said:

"These questions may have already been answered. If so I apologize" 

 

UGH 

Thanks very much. We have it all figured out and I’m happy. Everybody’s happy.

Thanks for your thoughtful contribution tho. 😀

[kitkat343]

I'd recommend that he book all private excursions with transportation, so he can control the itinerary and rest whenever necessary.  The good news is that Alaska is beautiful, and with private transportation and a scooter (assuming he learns how to drive one) I think he could see some very beautiful things even with physical limitations.  For example, he can ride the Mt. Roberts Tramway, and sit in their lovely restaurant on top of the hill while whomever travels with him (ideally this doesn't include you) can hike the lovely nearby trails.  There's the white Pass train (which I normally loathe, since it was the only reason I got sick in Alaska when I was pregnant - don't sit in the front or back car, since the diesel fumes are overpowering and they turn the engine around so both cars are hard to breathe in for half the trip, but in your relative's case it might be a good choice as long as he sits in the middle of the train.)  Try posting on the Alaska board for more excursion ideas that would be easy for people with physical disabilities.

 

I'd recommend that you book your own separate excursions so you can enjoy all of Alaska and not have to worry about him during your excursions.  You can check in on him in the evenings for the sake of family harmony, but if you are traveling all the way to Alaska you deserve to enjoy this wonderful destination.  

Edited January 26, 2020 by kitkat343

[esm54687]

21 minutes ago, Petoonya said:

Thanks very much. We have it all figured out and I’m happy. Everybody’s happy.

Thanks for your thoughtful contribution tho. 😀

If you paid attention.... my post that you quoted..... was actually referencing someone who entered the thread at post 42 obviously not reading the previous 41.   The typical person who shows up late to a meeting and asks questions that were already answered.... effectively duplicating everyone's efforts by reviewing things again. 

 

But since you engaged me and my thoughtful contribution ..... I wonder how your DS / DIL or even worse the gentleman who you venmously can't stand would feel if they happened upon Cruise Critic to explore their own ideas and came across your detailed complaints. 👍 👍 

[Petoonya]

24 minutes ago, esm54687 said:

If you paid attention.... my post that you quoted..... was actually referencing someone who entered the thread at post 42 obviously not reading the previous 41.   The typical person who shows up late to a meeting and asks questions that were already answered.... effectively duplicating everyone's efforts by reviewing things again. 

 

But since you engaged me and my thoughtful contribution ..... I wonder how your DS / DIL or even worse the gentleman who you venmously can't stand would feel if they happened upon Cruise Critic to explore their own ideas and came across your detailed complaints. 👍 👍 

Thanks. I’m not paying as much attention as I should. I’ve mostly given up reading as I’ve resolved my problem. My apologies for inferring something I should not have.

 

About family reading CruiseCritic. My DS and  are physicians and would never have time to look at Cruise Critic. I’ve actually encouraged them to instead of trusting me for answers but they laugh. DS knows how I feel and DIL has a whiff. I’ve said earlier the gentleman and his wife speak only Newari the language of Nepal so not expecting them to get on the internet soon or look at CC.They spend their days watching Bollywood movies and yelling into the phone at relatives in Nepal. And you’re right- I am venomously antagonist toward the gentleman. His wife, whom he verbally abuses, is actually very pleasant though we mostly “namaste”.

 

To anyone else responding, I’ve really resolved my problem and won’t be able to respond anymore. But I thank everyone who already replied. Much caring to all the good people of the NCL board.

Edited January 26, 2020 by Petoonya