CruisingwithRickandNik

We have been debating on whether or not to upgrade from Classic to Premium beverage package...and finally decided to try day 1 with just the Classic and see how it goes...if we find it unsatisfactory, then we will use the OBC to upgrade to Premium on day 2. :-) The best "tip" for getting the alcohol you WANT is to be very specific when asking for a drink. If you don't ask for a specific type of alcohol, you will automatically be given the "well" version. I learned that the hard way...there really is no good well equivalent for Di Saronno! LOL...LOVE the "ama-ghetto"! I'm using that term from now on to describe all non-Di Saronno brands! :-)

We are staying there! Can't wait!

Background: This was my first cruise in 25+ years, and I hated the first one.

 

When I was but a wee lad, one of my high school friends received a weird vacation offer in the mail. "Three day vacation in the Bahamas for $199. Buy one, get one free." We did the math and decided splitting the cost would make sense, so we booked it. But it was quite a strange package. Drive to Miami or Port Everglades (fuzzy on exact port), get on a cruise ship in the afternoon. Get off in Nassau the next morning, travel to a resort, check-in and stay two nights. Check out of the hotel by noon on day three, wander the island until the evening, board the cruise ship around sunset, get off the boat in Miami the next morning.

 

If you were reading closely, you may have noticed that I skipped mentioning our cabin on the ship. We didn't have one -- just deck space. And it was awkward, like spending a night in the airport. So, other than a handful of local '5 hour cruise to nowhere' gambling ships (which I can tolerate), I was a cruise newb with no desire to pay good money to be trapped in a floating hotel for several days.

 

But my wife LOVES to cruise. Last year, I sent her and one of her best friends on a 7 day Carnival Dream trip. I paid for the friend's cabin to (a) avoid having to go myself and (b) because my work was hectic with a major product nearing a critical delivery milestone. Yes, I've been informed that they had a wonderful time. No, applications to be my wife's best friend are not currently being accepted.

 

And for reasons that aren't quite clear -- she won a free cruise for two. We think it was a drawing from playing Bingo, maybe it was simply "thanks for the cash, sucker -- come back to the casino and give us more of it." It really doesn't matter at this point. She practically begged me to consider going with her. We had several options to choose from, so I agreed.

 

But first, I made a list of demands:

 

1. We leave from nearby Tampa or Port Canaveral (live in Orlando) to make it easy.

 

2. Preferably NOT CARNIVAL, because I don't want to endure any of this Fun Ship nonsense.

 

3. A nice new ship. With blinky lights and shiny things and perhaps a pony.

 

4. A short trip. Three, maybe four days including a weekend. So I could hate it as quickly as possible, not lose much time from work and get this ordeal out of the way.

 

I can hear the gentlemen in the audience groaning. And you're allowed, because rather predictably, I found myself booked on:

 

The Carnival Victory, leaving from Miami for a 4 day trip.

 

Whoo-Hoo! One out of four demands were met! Better than expected!

 

=================================

 

T Minus Three Months: I apply for a passport. I didn't have a valid passport. I have one now.

 

T Minus Two Weeks: I buy a new bathing suit. Wait, two new bathing suits. No, THREE new bathing suits. And a few fast-drying shirts. I'm planning to chair hog the pool deck like a pro. Also -- water slides!

 

=================================

 

Day Zero: I can't concentrate at work, so I wave goodbye to my boss and leave early (before sundown). I drive home to find that our bags have been packed. My wife finally agreed to "pack light," so there are only seven bags to load into the minivan. Yes, we have a minivan. Sigh.

 

I start worrying about every little detail, because ... because... Let's say I'm detail oriented at random times. I finally push my wonderful wife to the breaking point. "Stop doing that -- I have everything prepared. I. HAVE. DONE. THIS. BEFORE. Sheesh, just relax." I do not relax. But I do fall asleep. Eventually.

 

===================================

 

Day One: We wake up to an angry alarm clock at FOUR IN THE MORNING. We get in the van. We put gas in the van. We drive. And drive. And drive. Traffic is light, smooth and not a problem on I-95 until we reach Palm Beach, where it becomes none of these things.

 

We reach the terminal, unload enough luggage for an army... I've just been told not to complain about the luggage, so it was officially the correct amount of luggage and a delight to ...

 

And go through the security checks, scamper to the front of the lines with our FTTF cards, and sit down next to the "You get on boat here" doors. And things are not moving quickly, so FTTF allows us to walk onto the boat slightly after noon. But no problem, the check-in desk in the terminal confirmed that our room was ready right now, so we'll just drop off the perfect amount of carry-on luggage in the room ... when it's ready ... at 1330.

 

So I'm on the Lido Deck with an appropriately stacked mountain of ...

 

Oh, hi again. We got to the buffet early and grabbed a table. The place was empty for a moment, but I can hear a thundering herd of passengers storming towards us. I had a cheeseburger and fries. It was food. I ate it. An angel walks by with a tray full of the long-awaited "Tall Red Fruity drinks in a souvenir plastic cup with a little paper umbrella and a chunk of fruit." And I need one of those more than I've needed anything else in my life. I flash my prestigious "DOH, IT'S MY FIRST CARNIVAL CRUISE" badge and the angel pretends it's REAL MONEY. I get another one for my wife, because it seemed like the right thing to do.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pic Chick

And how exactly was this accomplished? I've tried this method several time with no bracelet availed with Nydney1 He either misses that I WANT THIS ONE! Or blissfully ignores that I WANT THIS ONE!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ok so- everlasting bond...check. Right Nydney1?:D

Candles- quit using my hydrangea ones cause he likes apple and vanilla only.

Silly outfits-- I think a 'check' will have to suffice.

Steve the goat-- I really thought we should be traditional and go with Billy-- I gave up the damn hydrangea candles!!

Steak knife- is this a carrot or a stick? So is he to understand they will be used to celebrate new jewelry or used upon his carcass if he remains blissfully unaware that.... Wow you're right- it does get complicated!:D

I can't tell you how much I enjoyed this review. No, really, I can't tell you. The lawyers say that would violate my parole conditions. Suffice it to say that I've become a virtual prisoner of Cruisecritic, constantly checking for the latest installment of HYKGOML vs. The World, and am saddened, shocked, devastated and bereft now that the saga has come to a suspiciously abrupt end.

 

Did the lawyers get to you, too?

 

I loved it. And can't wait for the next one.

 

Jeff

We are going on a Celebrity cruise in November with another couple. They are really outgoing as well, and we all have the free alcohol package...so this should be a trip and a half! Even I am hoping my hubby writes another trip report when we get home! We got a GREAT DEAL on a concierge class cabin and all of the perks that came with the cabin....and since I'm in a hoveround, our cabin is HUGE, so we can't wait!

Hello,

We have a cruise booked for 5 people in 3 AQ cabins next year. Because of this site, we were able to get the all inclusive perk package! My question is, my daughter will be 20 at the time of the sailing. Obviously she won't get the alcohol drink package as her perk. But will she get the Premium Non-Alcohol package so she can take advantage of the smoothies & Perrier she enjoys? Or will she just get the Classic package with no alcohol.

 

Thank you!

They may have a problem with her not being 21 with others in the same cabin. In their "fine print" on the alcohol beverage packages, they state everyone in the cabin must get the alcohol beverage package. I am HOPING they would make an exception because she is your daughter, and the drink packages are part of a promotion, not as if you are just deciding to purchase them. it is worth checking into before you set sail, though!

Good luck and Bon Voyage!

Hi everyone!

 

(if you have time, please read my entire post- I appreciate it :D)

 

I am having an issue with my "perks falling off" (as the X agent put it).

 

We booked May 5th. Since that time, our perks have fallen off 3 (maybe more, can't keep track) times!

 

We had the 123GO! $300 OBC and free grats. We also had the early deployment $175 OBC

 

Just yesterday I called to get a new invoice (for the 4th or 5th time in 2 months) and the new invoice DID show ALL the OBC but NOT the free grats.

 

He said it would take 7-10 days for the free grats??? But I booked May 5th?

 

Then I log on this morning and now the OBC is gone, AGAIN!

 

This is the 3rd time in a month we have lost our perks. Edit: to clarify, they actually dropped off. They did NOT show I had any perks or promotions. They actually had to put them back on. The only knew i had them was because of the notes left from the first agent.

 

The first time I called, the agent was saying oops, don't know what happened, they dropped off. Let me put them back on. Well that has happened AGAIN. My reservation invoice has said everything (something like) senior rate, state special, etc. I have NO idea where that came from and neither did the agent.

 

WHAT IS GOING ON WITH MY RESERVATION :(:confused::( Every time we pull a new invoice it is all messed up again.

 

What do I do?

 

Also, VERY important question...

We were planning to transfer over to a TA who can give us additional OBC ($100). Will this cause an issue? If I am having issues on the Celebrity end with our existing perks, am I going to be out of luck once I switch to the TA? I wanted to have everything "squared" away before switching to a TA. I log on this morning, and it is messed up again.

 

Please help, we have never used a TA before and I do not want to mess up our existing perks.

 

Thank you so much. This is really stressing me out. This will be our 3rd X cruise and I have never had issues like this before.

 

Thank you!

A very flustered Ashley

We have been having the very same problems...our perks keep falling off. We were told that every time you make a change, if the promotion you got when booking isn't being offered at the moment your change was made, you may actually LOSE the perk...we called because I couldn't log into my account...it was their error that caused me to not get in...so, while we were on the phone with him, we asked if we could change our dining preference. He said sure, and changed it for us. When I logged into our booking later that day, we had lost our OBC and our 123 go package, AND our cruise price was 200 more poer person. It still isn't fully corrected. We have the original invoice with all of the correct stuff on it, so we are just waiting until the final payment due comes around, then we will have everything corrected all at once, then make sure we don't change a darn thing ever again..lol.

You would think Celebrity would have a better computer system, as the one they have seems to glitch in some way or another all of the time.

This is going to be our first time cruising with Celebrity, and we are hoping the actual cruise experience is better than the booking experience!!

Good luck to you getting yours straightened out before you set sail!!

While I agree boarding day upgrades may be few & far between, I do detest those signs at Guest Relations. In the past, I've written down vacant cabin/suite numbers that were still available a day or two before sailing when the cruise was still up for sale on the website. Before inquiring at Guest Relations if they were still available, I've first gone to the stateroom attendant and/or butler and confirmed they were still vacant. Then I went to Guest Relations and inquired about upgrading to that specific stateroom. All I can say is that it worked in my case. A friend had the same results upgrading to a vacant Celebrity Suite despite that idiotic sign at Guest Relations.

 

As they say on FlyerTalk, YMMV (your mileage may vary!)

That is a GREAT IDEA to do research first to see if the empty room is still empty, then going to guest relations.

LOST finale ending was better! :cool: One of the few reviews that I actually enjoyed reading! I really enjoyed the humor or it all between you and your wife. Did you guys get home alive.....did you live happily ever after??? Oh well...

I have to agree with you..that's why I decided to pick up where he left off...just wanted to know if you guys wanted me to start from the beginning, or just keep going from here...

I have decided to start from the beginning....there were a few priceless tidbits he failed to mention....

AND THE SAGA CONTINUES!

For those of you who read Tim Dorsey, it is BLATANTLY OBVIOUS that my sweet husband is Serge! So in this scenario, I suppose I am a cross between Coleman and Sharon! (not so sure I like that, but I guess I have Tim Dorsey to thank for that, right)? :)

Can it get any funnier???? Mrs. Lawn, I am LOVING your side of the story - so so so funny.

 

Also...I realize about 50% of Mr. Lawns jokes are probably going over my head :confused:, but I am 100% amused just the same!!! :)

Thank you! I KNOW my husband's writing and humor are much better than mine...lol, but I wanted to add a woman's perspective...and add a few details I thought were relevant that he left out of the review...

I wondered if I should just keep going from this point on, or go back and start at the beginning where he left out a few things from his earlier stories...

Still not sure which I will do...so I will throw it out into the CC universe...

DO you guys WANT me to go back and start from the beginning??? :)

Mrs Lawn

And how exactly was this accomplished? I've tried this method several time with no bracelet availed with Nydney1 :( He either misses that I WANT THIS ONE! Or blissfully ignores that I WANT THIS ONE! ;)

LOL...after a decade together, we know each other pretty well....and I am not a jewelry person, per se, so the simple fact that I had ON a bracelet probably gave me away. A look was all it took...we still overpaid, I'm sure! :)

And how exactly was this accomplished? I've tried this method several time with no bracelet availed with Nydney1 :( He either misses that I WANT THIS ONE! Or blissfully ignores that I WANT THIS ONE! ;)

Back to the buggy, down another kilometer (I'm making rough guesses here) of limestone road, we reach a wide clearing that’s being used as a circular parking lot by a dozen vehicles.

 

“That's the lighthouse. You can climb it if you want.”

 

https://www.google.com/maps/place/Cozumel+Lighthouse/@20.272453,-86.988136,2a,90y,90t/data=!3m5!1e2!3m3!1s22574800!2e1!3e10!4m2!3m1!1s0x8f4fac9b9cd39523:0xbf685f8c26770c11!6m1!1e1?hl=en

 

I’m still feeling slightly emasculated by my earlier refusal to defeat a crocodile with my bare hands under the walkway. I must make amends and restore my honor. Then I realize, “This is Mexico. I am a very manly man. I must demonstrate my machismo. The sultry senoritas shall swoon as I swagger out of the lighthouse.”

 

I duck my head through the entrance door and begin climbing the spiral concrete staircase. There's no handrail and only a few small platforms to rest, next to open windows for light and ventilation.

 

A single warning sign is painted where the stairs emerge and become a platform: Watch your head.

 

At the center of the room at the top of the building is a huge light bulb. Well, I suppose that makes sense.

 

There’s a green-painted balcony outside, accessible by crawling out an open door. I'm the only person at the top of the building, and I can see no signs saying I can't risk my fool life by climbing through the door.

 

I’m dressed in the brightest neon clothes I could find, with the idea that I’d be easy to find in a crowd if we got separated. I take off my vividly orange shirt and wave it from the balcony. “Hey everybody! I made it up to the top. This is pretty neat.” Nobody looks up.

 

From my all-seeing position, I watch my wife being gently guided from the dune buggy into a row of wooden shacks selling trinkets. He’s probably encouraging her to shop. She’s going shopping, alone.

 

We've become separated in a strange land. I've made a terrible mistake.

 

I did not count them, but I claim that there are just as many steps on the staircase when you are travelling back down. I can show you a straightforward proof to demonstrate the correctness of my assertion.

 

I meet two grade-school-aged boys on my way down. They are slowly making progress upwards, and we can not pass easily on the steps, so I pause at a platform to let them pass. As we separate, I tell them they're about a third of the way to the top. They do not seem discouraged by this news.

 

I reach beach shack #2, and find my wife trying on bracelets as three salesmen flatter her and probe her for hints on our budget. She’s trying to simultaneously indicate to me that she likes the item, and act disinterested to the sales staff.

 

We buy the bracelet. I hate haggling, so I will assure you we paid too much.

 

The legendary convoy of shiny dune buggies arrives at the park. They've parked on the other side of the circle, and our guide is desperate to keep us distracted when we try to wander in that direction.

 

It’s the usual large group tour. Identically dressed tour guides yelling at a disorganized crowd of customers.

 

“We’re still behind schedule, so I want everybody stay together. We're only spending 18 minutes here. Please look at everything quickly and be back at the vehicles on time.”

 

My wife points out that the other group has paper wristbands that look different from ours.

 

I wish I had kept my wristband to confirm the wording, but I'm pretty sure we were given ‘tour guide’ wristbands at the ‘local resident’ price.

 

We get back in the buggy, and open another round of cold beers.

 

“Now we visit the famous ruins.”

 

“Nope. Skip that part. Let’s get out of here.”

 

Retracing our path, we leave the very nice eco park, and return to the highway travelling north along the eastern side of the island.

Hello, everyone! I am "Mrs. Lawn". I have a few details I think are pertinent to my husband's story...but I apologize in advance....I AM NOT at the calibur of entertainment as he. :)

Well, on the way TO the lighthouse, the driver is already trying to figure out how much extra money we have to spend...

"And what do YOU do, Senor"...

"I work on helicopters"...

"OHHHHH...how nice, and your wife"?

"I don't work".

(I'm disabled, of course, but he doesn't need to know that tidbit of info...no need to profess I'm a bigger sitting duck than I already am)...Of course, his eyes light up with those big Bugs Bunny cartoon dollar signs in them anyway...OH LORD, I think to myself....

We arrive at the lighthouse, and the first thing I see is a lined bunch of parked blue sparkling new dune buggies with the logo of our tour on the sides of some of them. A group of about 25 people are heading over to the lighthouse, right after getting bright green neon wrist bands attached to their wrists by their tour guides...who, BTW, are also wearing blue golf shirts with our shore excursions company's logos on them...but....hey, we are having fun on our tour, right????

Our tour guide leaves us in the buggy to go haggle for our entrance wristbands. He comes back with these orange brown and white ones...

**side note** I KEPT my wristband....just like I kept the receipt for the shore excursion they tried to keep (because it now had our future killers'/kidnappers' finger prints on them), and everything else I could maintain for the "policia" to use to solve our deaths at some future date...****************************************************

I turn to Rick as our guide is putting our wristbands on us and whisper..(OH, I have NO inside voice...so I'm sure our guide and any others within 20 feet of us heard me)...

"Did you notice OUR bands are a different color that the other tour people's...ours are the same color as the others' tour guide's wristbands"

More proof that we are NOT on the right tour....but we're having fun still, right?

I looked down, and on our wristbands had the words "TOURS OPER. FARO"...I'm thinking my Spanish is a little rusty, but this says we are tour guides...LOL!

Rick hops out and heads towards the lighthouse, determined to prove to me that he can make it to the top...I decline, and look for a rest room. As I begin to walk towards the Bano signed building, I start to walk past "our true tour", and am stopped by our tour guide...

"Where are you going, Senora"?

"Just to find a bathroom, I'll be right back"!

"Oh, allow me to escort you"....as he rushes me past the other group and straight to the restrooms...lol.

I pretend I don't know what he is doing. It is more fun that way watching him sweat every 15 minutes. :)

Upon returning from the bathroom, there is my guide and 3 other men waiting for me....all 3 chanting "COME WITH US...we have black onyx just for you...good prices...before your husband comes back, you go shopping, yes, Senora"?

All of them are saying this as they are corralling me to these tiny shacks....

This is it, I think to myself, no one is every going to find my body and I'm going to be sold into white slavery now!

The minute I get in shack #2, I realize I left my bag (with my wallet) in the buggy, so I go to get it and our guide says

"Hey, where are YOU going"...

Oh GOD, he isn't going to let me leave screams in my head...

"I left my money in the bag in the buggy" I say...

"Oh, I will get it for you"...lol...

I say, "No, I'm going, it's OK". He looks on anxiously...

I walk past our true tour again, noticing everyone looks very bored and ready to go, but they are stuck there....and thinking to myself...HUH, maybe we aren't in such a bad predicament after all.

I look up at the top of the lighthouse....wondering if my husband has made his way to the top yet...only to see his arm returning back into the window with his shirt in his hand...Hmmm, I wonder if he is stuck up there...

More to come...stay tuned...

Bait!!! And Switch. :mad: Not fair. Lawn-dude, you got me all excited when I saw that you'd added a new post to this masterpiece. Don't tease me like that, bro!!!

I'll add this to my list I'm compiling for his punishments...lol. He's already in trouble for complaining about the HUGE SACRIFICE in luggage I made for that cruise....nothing is ever good enough! ;)

Mr Lawn is going to end up sleeping in the shed with his push-lawnmover...but I will wait until he finishes the trip review so you guys don't suffer...just him. Lol. Any suggestions on post-review punishments will be accepted!

My first/original punishment was going to be handicapping him too...but that would be a HUGE inconvienience to me if we were BOTH in wheelchairs...lolol! ;o)

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Really enjoying the review...your dh is a hoot:):):)

Lol...yes...among other things...he still may be in big trouble by the end of this review..I haven't decided on his punishment for the beginning of the report...

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I am absolutely LOVING this review, one of the best and funniest I've read in a long time!! :D Can't wait for you to go on your cruise is September so I can read another one. Just one request, can you please post it (or at least a link to it) on the Carnival board as well as the NCL one? I'm not on the NCL board that often and I don't want to miss it!! Thanks and I can't wait to find out what happens next in Cozumel (and the rest of the cruise)!! :D

When he has finished the entire cruise review, we will post it on the Carnival site. :)

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I want him to go on a 100+ day world cruise on Cunard! However, the resulting review will cause many, many to die laughing! :D

Lololol...ME TOO! :) I'm hoping the "powers that be" at CC stumble upon his review and add him to the review staff/article writer in exchange for free cruises...lol...you know...in all of the poor cranky man's spare time.

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I can't wait to read more but I don't want it to end either. You definitely need to go on a much longer cruise so the story is longer. Enjoying this so very much!

You're in luck...we're going on a 7 day NCL cruise on the Getaway in September...

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Just wanted to make sure you knew- CCL has started price matching the tour operators. If there's a CCL excursion and the exact same tour available by another (or same) tour company you get 110% of the difference. You can prebook online and get all the benefits of booking through CCL (we won't leave you!) while getting the better price since you did the homework ;)

 

My husband Nydney1 just got our excursion refund if you have any questions or need anything. Yep sweetie- I threw you out there :)

Thanks for the info! Very good to know for next time!

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Great start - love the review and love your screen name.

 

I'd also love any details on your wheelchair excursions. With my mom (who is a full time wheelchair user) we usually just stick to shopping at the piers but I'm always interested in something new (and if I have my way, November 2014, we'll stop in Key West).

I have a Hoveround that I use on the ship..for the 7 day cruises, I also rent a regular (very light-weight) wheelchair to use on shore...easier to get taxis...

During my 2013 7 Day Carnival Dream cruise, we went to the all-inclusive resort Mr Sanchos...everyone on staff was very helpful and friendly...and once you get into the pool, there is really no reason to get out again...EVER...LOL. They have a swim up bar with stools in the pool right at the bar. The food and drinks were excellent!

All extra curricular activities and the equipment were included in the $45.00 price...although they made you pay a $5.00 deposit...they gave it back when we turned in our gear.

I TRIED to snorkel from the beach...but the sand at the water's edge is like quicksand, and I sank over a foot into it and it took 4 helpers to get me out...although kudos to them for immediately coming to the aide of a damsel in distress.

In Key West, the trolley ride was fun..I don't remember which trolley tour, but it specifically mentioned that they have a lift for wheelchairs, so that should make it easy for you to get the correct one.

FYI...don't book through Carnival. The trolley station was right at the corner of the big museum statue..and buying your tickets from them will save you about $20.00.

Let me know where else you're going if you like and I will share my wheelchair experiences with you if I have had any. There are really quite a few things you can do besides just hang around the peer. (Well, not ALL of the ports, but the larger/more established ones anyway).

Can your Mom take any steps at all by herself? I could go about 15-20 feet on my Carnival Dream cruise...I finally got a diagnosis a couple of months ago...after 6 years of having seizures when overheated or upon any physical exertion and being wheelchair-bound); and I am on new meds now and can go much farther...but still use the chair for longer hikes, just in case.

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Dude - I'm still trying to figure out if you actually went on a cruise or if you are just a comedian. Either way, I think this is great and will continue to read!

Lol...YES...this was his virgin full-on cruise (at least the first one that came with a cabin). It was a 4 day free cruise from Carnival.

Not quite the best cruise of my life either...I had only been on 7 day cruises before this one; and found I preferred both the ambiance and the peeps on the 7 day cruises MUCH MORE!

You will all LOVE WHAT HAPPENED TO US IN COZUMEL...also my fault for forgetting NOT to take the taxi cabs on the left where the price board is located. At least we are here to tell the tale. Lol.

We will be going on a NCL cruise in September. ..so stay tuned for the next set of adventure tales in a few months! :)

;) Mrs. HeyYouKidsGetOffMyLawn

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Hilarious! I wish you took a 7 day instead of a 4 day so you would have a longer story to tell. Love it.

We are going on a 7 day for his Birthday in September...I'm sure that one will be just as amusing. :)

Mrs. KidsGetoffmylawn

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Background: This was my first cruise in 25+ years, and I hated the first one.

 

When I was but a wee lad, one of my high school friends received a weird vacation offer in the mail. "Three day vacation in the Bahamas for $199. Buy one, get one free." We did the math and decided splitting the cost would make sense, so we booked it. But it was quite a strange package. Drive to Miami or Port Everglades (fuzzy on exact port), get on a cruise ship in the afternoon. Get off in Nassau the next morning, travel to a resort, check-in and stay two nights. Check out of the hotel by noon on day three, wander the island until the evening, board the cruise ship around sunset, get off the boat in Miami the next morning.

 

If you were reading closely, you may have noticed that I skipped mentioning our cabin on the ship. We didn't have one -- just deck space. And it was awkward, like spending a night in the airport. So, other than a handful of local '5 hour cruise to nowhere' gambling ships (which I can tolerate), I was a cruise newb with no desire to pay good money to be trapped in a floating hotel for several days.

 

But my wife LOVES to cruise. Last year, I sent her and one of her best friends on a 7 day Carnival Dream trip. I paid for the friend's cabin to (a) avoid having to go myself and (b) because my work was hectic with a major product nearing a critical delivery milestone. Yes, I've been informed that they had a wonderful time. No, applications to be my wife's best friend are not currently being accepted.

 

And for reasons that aren't quite clear -- she won a free cruise for two. We think it was a drawing from playing Bingo, maybe it was simply "thanks for the cash, sucker -- come back to the casino and give us more of it." It really doesn't matter at this point. She practically begged me to consider going with her. We had several options to choose from, so I agreed.

 

But first, I made a list of demands:

 

1. We leave from nearby Tampa or Port Canaveral (live in Orlando) to make it easy.

 

2. Preferably NOT CARNIVAL, because I don't want to endure any of this Fun Ship nonsense.

 

3. A nice new ship. With blinky lights and shiny things and perhaps a pony.

 

4. A short trip. Three, maybe four days including a weekend. So I could hate it as quickly as possible, not lose much time from work and get this ordeal out of the way.

 

I can hear the gentlemen in the audience groaning. And you're allowed, because rather predictably, I found myself booked on:

 

The Carnival Victory, leaving from Miami for a 4 day trip.

 

Whoo-Hoo! One out of four demands were met! Better than expected!

 

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T Minus Three Months: I apply for a passport. I didn't have a valid passport. I have one now.

 

T Minus Two Weeks: I buy a new bathing suit. Wait, two new bathing suits. No, THREE new bathing suits. And a few fast-drying shirts. I'm planning to chair hog the pool deck like a pro. Also -- water slides!

 

=================================

 

Day Zero: I can't concentrate at work, so I wave goodbye to my boss and leave early (before sundown). I drive home to find that our bags have been packed. My wife finally agreed to "pack light," so there are only seven bags to load into the minivan. Yes, we have a minivan. Sigh.

 

I start worrying about every little detail, because ... because... Let's say I'm detail oriented at random times. I finally push my wonderful wife to the breaking point. "Stop doing that -- I have everything prepared. I. HAVE. DONE. THIS. BEFORE. Sheesh, just relax." I do not relax. But I do fall asleep. Eventually.

 

===================================

 

Day One: We wake up to an angry alarm clock at FOUR IN THE MORNING. We get in the van. We put gas in the van. We drive. And drive. And drive. Traffic is light, smooth and not a problem on I-95 until we reach Palm Beach, where it becomes none of these things.

 

We reach the terminal, unload enough luggage for an army... I've just been told not to complain about the luggage, so it was officially the correct amount of luggage and a delight to ...

 

And go through the security checks, scamper to the front of the lines with our FTTF cards, and sit down next to the "You get on boat here" doors. And things are not moving quickly, so FTTF allows us to walk onto the boat slightly after noon. But no problem, the check-in desk in the terminal confirmed that our room was ready right now, so we'll just drop off the perfect amount of carry-on luggage in the room ... when it's ready ... at 1330.

 

So I'm on the Lido Deck with an appropriately stacked mountain of ...

 

Oh, hi again. We got to the buffet early and grabbed a table. The place was empty for a moment, but I can hear a thundering herd of passengers storming towards us. I had a cheeseburger and fries. It was food. I ate it. An angel walks by with a tray full of the long-awaited "Tall Red Fruity drinks in a souvenir plastic cup with a little paper umbrella and a chunk of fruit." And I need one of those more than I've needed anything else in my life. I flash my prestigious "DOH, IT'S MY FIRST CARNIVAL CRUISE" badge and the angel pretends it's REAL MONEY. I get another one for my wife, because it seemed like the right thing to do.

Ahhh, folks...my hubby is such an entertaining and beautiful writer. I always tell him that if he gets tired of his primary career, he could always fall back on writing (or perhaps become a comedian)....

That being said...I think he is going to be in BIG TROUBLE by the end of this cruise review...so if when we all meet, BOTH of us are in wheelchairs...he will definitely know that making a list of demands probably isn't the best foot to put forward when writing a review that involves your wife.... ;o)

I am booked on the Carnival Dream, BTW... :D

Hello, everybody! My husband has booked a cruise for me and my best friend for my 43rd birthday; leaving from Port canaveral on Dec 7th, 2013! I am sooo excited! I used to go on a cruise once or twice a year, but in 2008, my body decided to stop working properly, and i haven't been on one since. I am in a Hoveround electric wheelchair and have very limited mobility....but I DO NOT let that stop me from living my life!! :)