Live from the Maasdam NE/C

[tomc]

What the engine problem really is. What is happening right now has nothing at all to do with the problems the Maasdam had in the past. Totally unconnected. A bearing blew up and scratched a shaft; it's being machined (in micrometers) as we speak in a process that might take up to two weeks, possibly less. It's going on 24 hours/day. This could happen to any ship, anywhere. For that reason, one of the engines (which is working fine), was removed from service so that its shaft could be repaired. They hoped it might be done by the end of last week's cruise, but it's taking longer than they wished. It's a long, careful process. There was also a propeller propulsion problem that occured one night during supper that was simply a bad chip; it was taken out, replaced, and that shaft was put back on line right away. That was the time I was talking about the sudden vibration during supper.

 

The crew reception, a/k/a "Dog & Pony Show." We had the "Let's Introduce the Crew" event this afternoon, and exciting half hour or so of sitting around eating peanuts and drinking free drinks of choice, during which I fell asleep. That's no reflection on the event, as I also fell asleep, standing up, during the lifeboat drill. Anyway, the musical director provided a signature theme for each person as they were introduced. As best as I can remember, here are most of them:

 

Captain: Anchors Aweigh

Purser: We're In The Money

Security: Pink Panther Theme

Dining: If I'd Known You Were Coming, I'd Have Baked A Cake

Doctor: Theme from M*A*S*H

C.D.: That's Entertainment

Guest Relations: People Who Love People

 

Guest Naturalist Speaker. I was not there, but have been reliably told that he informed the pax that we will see whales Tuesday morning at 10:30. Honest to goodness, he gave the time.

 

We have a report from our submersible (sub = below) (mer = sea) (sible = servant) as Wendy Whale prepares her family:

 

"Flip your tails, folks; I hear the Maasdam coming. Johnny, clear your spout, ok? I don't want you blowing any more boogers like you did yesterday when Carnival went by. Sally, stop acting like a slut; when you raise your tail, you are to face the ship. Don't turn around and show them what's under it; that's not very lady-like. Bill, you are a bad example for the kids. You've been going close to the ship and, when everybody is leaning over the rail, turning around and hitting your tail really hard so they get a ton of water over them. Now let's get ready."

 

Wanda the Worrier.

She was next to me at supper tonight. Nice lady, but worries, worries, worries. This one is true; edited, but true:

 

Wanda: I didn't see the supper menu before. Did you see it? Do you know what we're having?

tomc: No, but the waiter will give us one before he takes our order, I'm sure.

Wanda: Oh, the portions are so big. Isn't that awful. Big portions. I wish they didn't make them so big. Isn't that awful? I just can't eat that much. Maybe I should just leave what I can't eat.

Wanda: Oh, whose meals did the waiter bring out? Those aren't enough for us. They have to be someone else's. I wonder whose they are. They can't be for us, can they? I mean, there aren't enough for all of us.

tomc: I'm sure they have ours somewhere and we will get it soon enough.

Wanda: I haven't seen the French-Canadian couple at all today. And they're not here for supper. I wonder where they are.

tomc: I've seen them two or three times; they're fine.

Wanda: I haven't. I hope they're ok.

tomc: I've seen them during the day. They're fine.

Wanda: Well.....

Wanda: I didn't see the dessert menu before. Did you see it? Do you know what we're having?

tomc: Uhh, the waiter is handing it to you now.

 

 

This post came to you live from the Maasdam

where people sneak liquor aboard in their walkers.

[LAFFNVEGAS]

Tom, I have a question for you. I know that Formal Nights were/was Sunday and Wednesday I think for both of your weeks. But... What night is Informal Night? Also was there a night they called Dutch Night or least the majority of the food was what normally is served on Dutch Night, if there is what day of the week was this done? We are trying to figure out what night would be a good night to make reservations for the Pinnacle. Thanks,:)

[Dog Mommie]

Lisa,

 

That Pinacle Grill res. would be ANY night with Wanda the Worrier! :eek: at your table!!

 

Seriously, I'd love to know which night to book, also...although (and, yes, I bring it up once again) we aren't guaranteed a table, at all, at any time, in the dining room.:(

 

Tom, Oh, PLEASE keep up this commentary, it is one of the ongoing highlights of my life:D

 

Still keeping fingers (and toes!) crossed for you, Lisa!

[stanford's girl]

ROTFLMAO!! Wendy Whale and Wanda the Worrier were just way too funny!:D You make reading a review a lot of fun, Tom.:cool:

[Copper10-8]

Hey Tom, too funny! You should seriously think about writing a book with your anecdotes! It would definitly sell!

 

Have a great cruise!

[LizB1]

Thanks, Tom, for your update on engine/mechanical problems.

 

Enjoy!!

[LAFFNVEGAS]

Still keeping fingers (and toes!) crossed for you, Lisa!

 

Thanks so much, as far as I am concerned we have not sail away yet so anything is possible. I am wondering if someone in a S Suite did not check in if even after we checked in would they move us? You can bet I will definitely offer this to them at the pier.

 

Thanks again for keeping your finger (and toes) crossed for me:)

[LAFFNVEGAS]

Tom talking about my cabin makes me wonder, on the return leg when did you finally find out about your cabin and or did you even have to change cabins?

[tomc]

4th of July on the Maasdam

NOTE: This post is a joke and is fictional; it never happened.

 

We had a grand and glorious Fourth like we never in our lives expected. Let me tell you, this one is gonna live forever in our memories -- and a lot of people's memories.

 

The Powers That Be decided to have a fireworks display for the U.S. citizens, since we are in Canadian waters and there would be nothing shoreside to watch. It seemed like a good idea at the time. So the announcement was made to gather topside, on our verandahs or on the Lower Prom to watch.

 

As is traditional in the U.S., the first things to go up were the white rockets. Then other fireworks followed, then a display of red, white and blue rockets. Well, all h*ll broke loose. Every ship within sight changed course and headed our way. Apparently, the idea of white rockets at sea is sort of ingrained in anyone who remembers the Titanic. We had freighters, an oil tanker, about three dozen fishing boats and, eventually, another cruise ship.

 

What do they find? A ship firing rockets, pax on the upper decks. The captain is telling them everything is fine and they assume we're being hijacked and he's got a gun to his head.

 

After a while everything settles down, we get boarded by the Coast Guard and it's determined that it was nothing more than a Fourth of July celebration for the Americans.

 

The ship never quieted until about three in the morning.

 

NOTE: This post is a joke and fictional; it never happened.

 

This post came to you live from the Maasdam

where you can bet this will be an internet rumor for years to come.

[jhannah]

Ah, Tom ... I can just see it. Are you SURE this is fictional?????

[tomc]

Did not see a Dutch Night on the way up and, so far, none on the way down. I'll try to find out when the casual nights are. We're in PEI, I'm on shore and time is limited.

[HeatherInFlorida]

Can someone please come and pick me up off the floor? I couldn't read after the Wanda story!!! I'm barely reaching the keys to even type this.

[babyher]

TomC

 

*LOL* You are too much :)

 

The posts get better and better.

 

God bless you sitting next to Wanda, I have one of those at work and some days ..... SOME DAYS!!!!!!! *LOL*

 

 

Thanks again for sharing :)

[dakrewser]

Crazed Canadians Fire on Cruisers

 

 

 

 

By David Brunnstrom

Reuters

Tuesday, July 5, 2005; 11:53 AM

 

There were reports today that a Cruise ship, flagged in the Netherlands but carrying a large group of Ameircan tourists came under rocket attack while sailing in the St. Lawrence River in Quebec province, Canada.

 

One passenger, who wished to remain anonymous so we'll simply refer to himas Tom C. said that when Coast Guard cutters - dispatched by the US Dept. of Hopeless Securiy - reached the ship they found "...a ship firing rockets, [passengers] on the upper decks. The captain is telling them everything is fine and they assume we're being hijacked and he's got a gun to his head."

 

After the Coast Guard boarded the ship, accompanied by crack agents of the TSA (Travesty of Security Administration) the rocket shelling mysteriously stopped. "We believe it was the work of crazed French-Canadians," said Lt. Colonel Jack S (who had been Tom C's dinner companion). "Who knows what they might do as long as their sports writers keep whipping them up by blaming America for killing the hockey season."

 

A spokesman for the Hockey News denied any knowledge of an organized hockey insurgency while the Captain of the attacked ship, still evidently in fear of his life, continued to deny that any attack occured.

 

a French-Candian couple, reportedly passengers on the ship, were noted as being missing just before the attack. Ms Wanda W. said "I haven't seen the French-Canadian couple at all today. And they're not here for supper. I wonder where they are. I hope they're ok." But perhaps they were the moles planted on the ship.

 

Film at 11!

 

 

[esther e]

I have not read such a funny and enjoyable thread in my life. It's refreshing to be able to read without someone flaming someone for their views. Keep up the good work; I'll hold up my end by laughing and laughing!!!!

Esther

[Dog Mommie]

BREAKING NEWS!!! (and, no, not wind:p )

 

 

Lt. Colonel Jack S. and Wanda T. Worrier to MARRY!! Pictures on view after dinner but before the Flambe at the Explorer's Lounge!! Stay tuned for further complications, err, celebrations!

 

Uhh, Captain, is that a SHOTGUN the Coast Guard sees in your hand?:D

[tomc]

News from the ChittyChittyBangdam: The HAL Kids were playing basketball or volleyball up on the Sports Deck and you know how loud that can be in the Lido whenever the jump. Well, one kid came down hard and a Lido ceiling panel fell out.

 

Anyone know the "Hat Lady" (as she calls herself)? She came over to me today and said, "I haven't latched onto you yet." And latch on she did, including a spiel worthy of a time-share salesman on how I should spend time in the Piano Bar. Well, you can't get a stranger into that sanctuary without using a can opener and an initiation rite. Not sure in what part of the ship HAL has given her a berth; should I give her a wide one?

 

Chocolate Extravaganza: Once again, the usual round of delights all laid out in abundance. As a nod toward the 190 kids on board this week, they decided to call it "Zit Nite."

 

A possibly unfortunate event: This one is no joke. I was up on the Sports or Lido Deck, heading for the elevator. Some, maybe, young teen boy was there and he had "Needham" on his shirt. I said, "In Massachusetts?" He replied yes. I told him I did radio not far away, in Gloucester. The elevator arrived and he quickly walked away. I could only guess that his family told him not to hang around older guys who started chatting up to him, and he took this advice with him on the cruise. We may be making people a little too sensitive in these matters.

 

 

This post came to you live from the Maasdam

where life's biggest concern is what kind of dessert to order.

[localady]

 

This post came to you live from the Maasdam

where life's biggest concern is what kind of dessert to order.

 

Chocolate of course!:D ;)

Enjoying your discourse immensely!

Calm seas and blue skies.......:cool:

[nvwhine]

Can't wait for September 3rd. Please make sure they fix the ceiling in the Lido before then..............

 

The second best part of a cruise is the anticipation................

 

Enjoy the rest of your trip.

[nvwhine]

Chocolate of course!:D ;)

Enjoying your discourse immensely!

Calm seas and blue skies.......:cool:

 

:) :) Absolutely loved the Prinsendam. Went on a Copenhagen to Lisbon trip in 2002. The best cruise I have ever taken.

 

Enjoy

[caribbean girl]

tomc, that explains it...you're from Mass!!:) 'Boston, you're my home!'

 

Have fun:)

[the2ofus]

Is the "Hat Lady" a rail-thin elderly woman who often wears her Dutch hat? If so, we have seen he on numerous cruises. She often latches onto the gentleman hosts, also talks often with the ships' officers. Have talked with her occasionally. Interesting person.

[CDRMark]

A possibly unfortunate event: This one is no joke. I was up on the Sports or Lido Deck, heading for the elevator. Some, maybe, young teen boy was there and he had "Needham" on his shirt. I said, "In Massachusetts?" He replied yes. I told him I did radio not far away, in Gloucester. The elevator arrived and he quickly walked away. I could only guess that his family told him not to hang around older guys who started chatting up to him, and he took this advice with him on the cruise. We may be making people a little too sensitive in these matters.

or he realized who exactly you were....:)

But you are correct that this points up a problem. A local columnist recently wrote about how children should be educated in HOW to talk to strangers, rather than a flat prohibition. A good article.

Thanks for the fabulous reportage, humorous and insightful as ever. Have a great time.

MarkB

[RevNeal]

Is the "Hat Lady" a rail-thin elderly woman who often wears her Dutch hat? If so, we have seen he on numerous cruises. She often latches onto the gentleman hosts, also talks often with the ships' officers. Have talked with her occasionally. Interesting person.

 

She also latches onto chaplains. :o

"Interesting" is a word for it.

Loony-toons is another.

[tomc]

This particular Hat Lady: Not thin; dowdy dresser; pushy.

 

Washing Service

We're in Sydney, where a woman of a Certain Age said to me, "A steward told me they did 'widow washing' in each port.

tomc: I think he meant "window washing."

woman Well, it sounded like "widow washing." Do you think they do it in the spa?

tomc: Probably on the deck. Did you see that small crane with the hose?

woman: Are you implying they need a crane to wash us?

tomc: They're washing WINDOWS, not WIDOWS. Glass, not @.

woman: Oh. And I was so looking forward to it. Those stewards are so cute, you know. (wink wink, nudge nudge)

 

Serious security incident

Some pervert got into my room this morning. I was in the shower and, when I finished and pulled the curtain back, there he was. 60'ish, somewhat overweight, way out of shape, not very good looking at all. I got the * out of there fast, went to my phone and called Security. They said this happens a lot on HAL ships. I was told to put something on and stick my head back into the bathroom, see if perhaps it wasn't anything more than the mirror across from the shower.

 

This post came to you live from the Maasdam

where nobody eats on an empty stomach