Family Reunion Cruise Dilemma

[2Cruise4Ever]

OK, here's the situation: we are trying to pull together a family reunion cruise for June of 2007. DH and I are somewhat experienced cruisers (15 cruises between the 2 of us). The rest of the family (16 members in all) have very little cruise experience (maybe 3 between all of them). We absolutely love the NCL Dawn out of NYC (went last year and loved it). The unfortunate part is that we have one member (SIL, BIL, 4 kids) who are in NC and don't want to travel to NYC. They'd rather fly to the west coast and go to Hawaii or Alaska. My DH and I have 2 small kids (the youngest of all the grandchildren: 3 and 8). I areally don't want to fly with the kids. The next youngest after ours is 15. I'd rather take the train to NYC (we live in MD) like we did last year and the kids did great. Everyone else is here in MD and are willing to go to NYC (cheaper by $100's than flying anywhere). But, our SIL is digging her heals in and just doesn't want to travel the distance up here. But, will travel the distance to the West Coast. That just does not make sense, does it? Am I beling unreasonable? What would you do?

 

None of the itineraries on the East coast really appeal to us: the Dawn (itineraries out just today ~ yea!!!!) is going from NYC to Nassau, to Great Stirrup Cay, to Bermuda (which we LOVE), back to NYC.

 

Please help!!!

[miami]

If everyone else is ok with going to NYC then plan the Dawn cruise and tell SIL "we will miss you". Either she will come around or she will miss out on all the fun. Her loss.

[2Cruise4Ever]

Thanks for the quick reply. I said the same thing. However, after speaking with the other SIL, she said she'll go with what the first SIL decides to do because her kids are older and will gravitate more toward the older cousins rather than our younger kids. And, well, then there's the Parents-in-law, they'll go with the majority because they don't want to cause "friction." But, the problem is, DH says that the NC SIL (we'll call her "Jane" to keep things simple) is always calling the shots and everyone else always does what she wants and that means that ALL of us have to fly somewhere when I really don't want to fly with the kids (done it before, NOT FUN!). Am I being too much of a pain by saying that this is my vacation, too and want to be able to enjoy myself from start to finish? We all went to Nags Head, SC 3 years ago and I was miserable with a new baby: no one helped with the baby, I ended up sitting along in the beach house a good part of the time because no one would wait long enough for me to have a shower and a sit-down meal for once (do you all have kids and can relate to having a newborn around?) before they took off for some touristy thing. I feel completely left out and that our needs (my immediate family, I mean) just don't matter.

 

OK, thanks for letting me vent. I think I'll just tell everyone that we're going to NYC and if they'd like to join us, great. If not, have a nice time yourselves. (DH is totally on board with that approach, by the way). Is that too rude? Am I bending over backwards to keep the peace too much? Where do we draw the line?

[cascole]

I tried to get my extended family together for a reunion cruise. I used a web poll to have everyone choose where they would like the destination to be etc... In the end, nearly everyone had a different idea about where they wanted to go. Eventually, we decided that we had best stick to holidays because no one wanted to exchange their valuable vacation time doing something not on their priority list. This was fine with everyone & we went about making our own plans. :) It's too bad in some respects, but a very good thing in the end... plus I don't have to worry about being on a ship with all of relatives for an entire week. (and I really do like/love them!!!) Maybe this is one of those hidden blessings for you! :)

[Arubalisa]

Let's see, sounds like your husband's brother's wife...

 

Can your husband put some pressure on his brother (whoever he is related to)?

 

Can the grandparents put some pressure on her? Let the grandparents reinforce the fact that you are traveling with much younger children.

 

It is definitely not you. It is by far much more logical, AND easier for them to travel to NY if their kids are older. I travel with 1 - 10 y.o. with special needs and it freaks me out.

 

You know what, now that I am thinking about it, my soon to be ex- SIL would have pulled the same thing. I would have just told her, like you said, "we are sailing out of NY". You only live once and you have to do what is right for you, your husband and kids.

[2Cruise4Ever]

Thank you both for your support. I really appreciate it. We feel like it'll be one of those hidden blessings, too. The whole reason we all wanted to do this is because DH's parents are in their 80's and we feel that this may be the last time the entire family can vaca together.

 

Thanks Again!

[Pudgesmom]

Not to be a thorn in your side, but...

 

Why don't you want to fly with your kids? Have you had a bad experience?

(I would be happy to share my travel tips with you- DH is a pilot, and have been stand by traveling with two now teenagers since infancy. :) )

 

Is it the itinerary the other relatives are objecting too? My opinion is that Bermuda is not the most exciting destination for children. Do the other relatives really want to see Alaska or Hawaii?

 

Is it the cost? Can the family share the various expenses some way?

 

I have planned several vacations for our family- 10 to 15 members- and I KNOW its hard to get all on the same page!!!:D

 

Cruising is such a good choice for a variety of family members.

 

Beth

[2Cruise4Ever]

Thanks Beth. I did have a bad experience with my son when he and I flew from DC to Phoenix, AZ when he was about 18 months old. My parents came with us and it was impossible to keep him occupied (even between all three of us). We went on the Dawn last year when the kids were 2 and 7, taking the train up to NYC and it was absolutely fabulous. The kids did very well on the train. The thing that saved us was you can get up and down and walk around whenever you want. DS was perfectly happy just watching his DVD's. DD on the other hand is very, very active and loved just walking with me from one end of the train to the other and back again. She does really well for short periods of time (like long enough to go out to a restaurant). But, the thought of having to lug the kids, the luggage, etc. to the airport, through security and then sit on a plane for hours terrifies me. Not to mention the expense. I priced Amtrak last night and the four of us round trip would be about $400 compared to $300-400 per person to fly to/from Miami.

 

The other relatives are objecting to the departure port. They are willing to fly to the west coast (creating an extra day of travel for ALL of us), but are unwilling to even meet us in NYC. DH and I have no desire to go to Alaska in June (this is the only time we can go because nephew is graduating from the Naval Academy and has to report for active duty the following week). We also don't want to go to Hawaii because there is no gambling on Hawaiian cruises. So, that leaves us with the Mexican Riviera (another pick from the SIL) or something out of Miami. Well, we are pretty big sticklers about the cruiseline. We've been on all the major market lines and very, very, very much prefer NCL and they don't have anything out of Miami next Summer. That's not to say that we aren't open to other lines, we just really prefer NCL.

 

Cost is not an option for any of us. We all just received some inheritance money from the family's uncle and we wanted to use it for the entire family to vacation one last time and to celebrate his life as well.

 

We've been to Bermuda before and absolutely loved it. Every time we turned the corner, one of us (me and DH) turned to the other and said, "the kids would LOVE this!" I agree that for a long vacation, Bermuda is not the most exciting place to be. But, we'll only be there for one day. And, that's perfect for us to get to the beach, the caverns, and the zoo.

 

OK, enough excuses. We'll figure it out somehow. Thanks for the tips everyone!

[babytraveler]

I'm like your "Jane." The whole family agrees together what they all want to do, and I'm the SIL for whom it is always something that doesn't work for me, and/or our kids.

 

I freely admit I'm a bummer and a crab and a wet blanket etc. etc. etc. (kind of makes you wonder why anyone would want me along anyway, eh?) Definitely I'm the person in the wrong, I freely admit it. It just seems like the things I least want to do are the things everyone else is dying to do, and the things I'd most like to do in the world are of nil interest to anyone else (which means I never get to do them). Then there's complexity of our kids being the youngest, and travel choices are geared toward older people and are overwhelmingly challenging to do with little ones. I can't help but wish we'd do other kinds of things and only things that are feasible with real young kids, but as the sole dissenter, I'm just out of luck... I do adore our big family and want to spend time with them, but wish we didn't have to spend time doing these things I don't want to do!

 

So I can share how it is from the other side, so you can deal with Jane.

 

Anyway, my advice is...

 

Never pressure a person to do something that doesn't work for him her.

 

Tell Jane that the overwhelming majority wants to do X and so you are (majority rules), and that you understand it isn't what she wants, but you'd be thrilled if she'd come anyway and make it work somehow and offer to help with challenges, but if it is really what she doesn't want then you'll miss her, but wish her fun on the trip she does choose, and say that you'll try to get together with her soon so you don't miss the opportunity to catch up and that you understand that this trip isn't for her, so you won't hold it against her.

 

Also if she does decide to go, offer to do whatever she needs to make it work for her to get from NC to NYC whatever. I do know that there are people who will not set foot in NYC, because it can be so overwhelming. If there are things others can do to make it easier, Jane might find a workable plan.

 

That way it is her choice whether to come on something that isn't her choice, or simply say no, without awkwardness. Otherwise resentments are a guarantee. Being pressured to go on a trip you don't want to go is awful. The pressurer rarely understands what you don't like about the idea and makes light of it. Pressuring means the other person is disrespecting your right to say no. Having a spouse pressure for the group at large is the worst.

 

If Jane has any reason (as I do despite my above poor qualities) she will understand that unless the trip is actually going to injure her and her family, that she doesn't have to be happy about the choice of trip, but if she weighs the benefits of seeing you guys anywhere vs. skipping the trip or the unfairness of forcing a majority to bend to her individual will and have everyone go somewhere they don't want to go, that if left alone to decide for herself, freely and without any pressure, she'll go along with the trip you all want.

 

Good luck!

[2Cruise4Ever]

Thank you so much for your perspective. It certainly sheds some more light on things. I can definitely empathize with you being the parents of the youngest children in the group (mine are 3 and 8). Janes' kids are 15, 17, 21, and 22 so traveling with them is not an issue. In the past, I have always taken the approach you have suggested. I love them dearly and would welcome them into my home anytime. It just seems that whenever we plan something as a family, she is always the dissenter and everyone else (except DH and myself) just goes along with her no questions asked. So, it will likely end up being just the 4 of us on this cruise. The majority will go wherever she goes just because they're used to doing that all the time. DH is extremely ticked off because it happens so frequently. We all agreed on this cruise over a year ago and agreed that NYC would be the best option for all (and most cost-effective). Now, when it comes down to booking, Jane changes her mind. DH is taking the back-door approach though. God bless him for talking to her and trying to figure out why she does this (in a completely non-threatening "I'm your brother and I love you" kind of way). I'll keep you posted.

 

Thanks!

[wrp96]

Have you looked at the cruises out of Baltimore which would be a shorter driving distance for the family out of NC?

[2Cruise4Ever]

That is another option, but the only one available for the week we need is to Canada. Not out of the question entirely, but we really would like to go somewhere warmer. Thanks for the suggestion, though!

[miami]

OK, thanks for letting me vent. I think I'll just tell everyone that we're going to NYC and if they'd like to join us, great. If not, have a nice time yourselves. (DH is totally on board with that approach, by the way). Is that too rude? Am I bending over backwards to keep the peace too much? Where do we draw the line?

 

That is my approach. A couple of years ago we were planning a family reunion on the NCL Dawn. One sister didn't want to go. They go to FL every year (her MIL has a condo there). Well, we all caved in and went to Disney World (not complaining we did have fun) but "Jane" only came for 2 nights. Last year we went on the Dawn and had a great time (she did not come but neither did another sister). When we got back, we told everyone we were planning an Alaskan cruise for 2007. Figured it gave them 2 years to save. If they don't come, oh, well, we will miss you.

 

It is your vacation, too. If you really don't want to travel to the west coast, don't.

[2Cruise4Ever]

Thanks for the support Miami. The more I think about this, the more I realize that this cruise is really for the grandparents. They're both in their 80's and this is probably the last "hoo-rah" they'll have with the entire family. So, DH and I are going to give them the opportunity to say what THEY want. And, then EVERYONE (us included) should oblige. We can take another cruise later on the Dawn if they choose something else. We should swallow the pill and make this about them. Don't you think?

[wrp96]

That is another option, but the only one available for the week we need is to Canada. Not out of the question entirely, but we really would like to go somewhere warmer. Thanks for the suggestion, though!

 

Good luck on that, what weekend are you looking for. I know it's not easy when you have family members with different needs and wants. My mom and her 3 sisters always get together for a weekend each year somewhere away from home. They usually go to Dallas shopping but a couple of years ago the oldest said she couldn't afford it and couldn't they go to Branson because she could drive. They all made plans to go to Branson - and then a couple of weeks before the oldest sister informed them that she couldn't come after all because she had made other plans.

[miami]

Thanks for the support Miami. The more I think about this, the more I realize that this cruise is really for the grandparents. They're both in their 80's and this is probably the last "hoo-rah" they'll have with the entire family. So, DH and I are going to give them the opportunity to say what THEY want. And, then EVERYONE (us included) should oblige. We can take another cruise later on the Dawn if they choose something else. We should swallow the pill and make this about them. Don't you think?

 

I think it's great that you are considerate of the grandparents considering their age. Even if it isn't what you wanted, I'm sure you will have a great time. And yes, you can go on the Dawn (great ship) another time. Actually, I have heard that the NCL Gem will be a new ship cruising out of NYC.

 

But I read Babytraveler's post and it is BS plain and simple. The world does not revolve around her and she should take into consideration what the majority wants. By the same token, the majority should not let one person/family bully everyone else into doing what they want.

 

OK I'm done.

 

Whichever cruise you decide to do, I hope you have a great time.

[babytraveler]

Yeowch! BS! I was actually trying to be helpful, sharing the perspective of what is like to be the sole dissenter.

 

As the sole dissenter, bending to the will of the majority, I'm taking 2 young kids on a cross country 4 hour time change with kids who don't sleep well on a nonchild friendly cruise (in one room), including a toddler who is banned from the pool and the kid zone, on a trip described by many reliable sources as "not for children," "nothing to do for children," "awful to do with children," "a challenge to control the children there" with "2000 pair of angry eyes glaring at us all the time." Just thought it would give some perspective about what is like to be the person who has to go on the trip that doesn't work for her.

 

Didn't mean to write BS. Just sharing my honest perspective.

[miami]

OK, I thought I was done but maybe not.

 

Babytraveler, I interpreted your thread to mean that you are usually a "Jane" because you freely admit you are a bummer, crab and a wet blanket. If you are talking about a one time thing where you didn't want to go because it was inconvenient for your family.... that's something entirely different.

 

But I know people who always want things done their way and dig their heels in until everyone else caves to keep peace. That's just not right. 2Cruise4Ever mentioned that DH was ticked off because it frequently happens. In her case, since they were all so close to NYC it seemed stupid to fly everyone across the country because that is what the SIL wanted.

 

But it seems that they have agreed to go wherever the grandparents want and the reason for the cruise was because of the grandparent's age.

 

I hope they have a great time and let us know which cruise they decided on.

 

Now I'm done!

[2Cruise4Ever]

I really appreciate everyone's support and input. Here's the update: Jane's brother (we'll call him John) and I had a conversation the other day. He was "shocked" at my email (describing different cruises and pricing and so forth) because he "had no idea" we were even talking about a cruise. Yeah, ok, we've only been talking about it for a year. He told me they (him, Jane, and their 4 kids) were planning on going to Europe next summer and that they had decided on that years ago (their son will be graduating from the Naval Academy next May). So, I get back on the phone with Jane and she claims that John knew all about it and that no decision was made yet. BUT, here's the kicker: they can't commit to anything until at the earliest Janury because of the Naval Academy's graduate's schedule isn't known until then. So, the other sister who has kids the same age as Jane decided that if they're going to Europe so is she because the kids are all the same age and have been vacationing together for years. I even brought up the fact that this vacation is for the grandparents (who already told me that it's a cruise or nothing - they'd rather be on a cruise ship than anywhere in the world) and Jane still wouldn't take their desires into consideration.

 

So, DH and I are going to talk to the grandparents (who I already know don't want to go to Europe) and see if they'll go on the Dawn with us 2 weeks earlier than planned (price is lower by about 25% then). More than likely they will. The rest of 'em can have a good time in Europe. I'd be willing to fly with my kids to Miami, but that's as far as I'll go. I'd love to tour Europe, just not right now. When my DD (who is 3 now) is 8 or 9 that would be a great vacation.

 

DH is going to talk to the grandparents today so we can put this baby to rest. The reason we want to book so early is because we have saved up for a family size cabin (the AB Penthouse on the Dawn for example) those cabins fill up quickly. I will keep you all posted. . . . .

 

I feel like I'm living on Peyton Place :rolleyes:

[miami]

WOW! First Jane wants Alaska or Hawaii now Europe and John claims he had no idea she's planning a cruise. Do they talk to each other? They seem very selfish. This is supposed to be a nice cruise for the grandparents. Something I bet they always wanted to do.

 

Oh, well... it will be their loss. You and your family will have a great time without them. Maybe it is better, your kids will have lots of time to spend with their grandparents. Something they will always remember.

[2Cruise4Ever]

Yep, the kids will remember it for years to come, I'm sure. Grandparents have been on several cruises over the past 20 years. That's why they want to do it. They know how much fun it is. And, they know that this will likely be their last. So, it looks like we're down to two choices: The Dawn out of NYC or the Grandeur out of Baltimore which does a pretty good 10 day Caribbean. You know my preference: the Dawn. But, that's just because of the cabin we were in last time and all the perks that go with it. The Royal Suite on the Grandeur is already booked so we'd have to go with an Owner's Suite which can't compare to the AB on the Dawn, but it's a longer cruise. So, we'll let the grandparents decide. We'll go on whichever one they choose. If we go to NYC, we'll do a pre-cruise package, too. DH has always wanted to tour the intrepid. And, his dad was a fighter pilot in WWII so that'll interest him, too. Mom and DD and I will go shopping on 5th avenue!!!! And, I know we'll all get a kick out of the Statue of Liberty and the Empire State Building. The adults have all been there before, but the kids haven't. They'll learn about American history before they learn it in school. But, we can do something similar in Baltimore, too. Either way is fine with me.

 

Thanks for the support!

[2Cruise4Ever]

OK, here's the update: talked with grandparents and they basically said that if we all aren't going as a family then maybe we should just save our pennies until we can all decide on something. I see their point: they want to be with the whole family. So, DH and I talked about it and we decided to go ahead and book the Dawn and if anyone else wants to join us, that's great. If not, that's ok, too. So, as you can see by my signature, I just booked the Dawn!!! yea!!!!! Can't wait to go back on her again.

 

We are washing our hands of this whole thing and if the rest of the family makes up their minds then they can do the research and the planning. I should have known. Anytime we try to do something with the family as a whole, it never happens. Oh, well, at least we know we're going on another cruise. My PCD (post cruise depression) is cured! :D

[wrp96]

Have a great cruise!

[miami]

I am sorry for the grandparents. They may not get a family reunion. Wish they had decided to go with you on the Dawn.

 

But I have adopted the philosophy that... here's what we are doing, if you can come, great... if not, we will miss you.

 

Have a great time.

[2Cruise4Ever]

Miami ~ I knew I liked you!!! That's our philosophy, too. I booked us today and if anyone else wants to come along, great. Otherwise, that's ok too. We know we'll have a blast and that's all that matters, right???? Our kids are more important than anyone (well except each other). So, we have to think of them first. :D