Hello, I have experienced something a bit similar to what you have gone through but not quite as daunting. I won’t get into a lot of details here because it would involve spirituality and this is not that type of forum. You know that you were/are loved and appreciated for all you did for your loved ones. You may end up feeling an incredible sense of peace and calm while out on the ocean if you accept that the love you showed to others will come back to you, and you will feel it and be comforted, but you must allow yourself to be open to it. Your loved ones would want you to go forward in happiness.
I’m sharing this thought with you because someone once did the same for me, and it made all the difference in the world. I only hope that these positive words will make the same difference for you.