Too early for Christmas

I was in Tesco’s yesterday and noticed that they are already selling mince pies! Mince Pies! Its only September!? that’s too early? Nobody is that organised that they stock up with food three & a half months before the event

I had a little look and the sell by date was the 10th November! What sort of person buys mince pies that go off in November? You may say that there could be people who just want to eat mince pies in September? I dont think so, people only eat mince pies at Christmas! Most people don’t even like them that much......or, is it that they are so foul that at Christmas nobody can tell if they have gone off or not?

But what nearly made me weep a genuine tear of actual sadness was that I noticed that they are also selling a single prewrapped slice of Christmas cake, just one single slice, not two, just one, I can maybe understand the couple who might want to buy 2 slices of Christmas cake to enjoy together without having to buy a whole cake, but a single prewrapped slice? That’s a slice for you and no slice for your no mate

Its important here to spare a thought for those less fortunate who may be spending Christmas alone but, I don’t think that they need such a stark reminder in September! This means that the poor sod in question with 3 months to go has already resigned themselves to the fact that they will be billy-no-mates this festive season, in their head they have already got it all planned out. I'll have a Bernard Mathews turkey drummer, then I will open the card I sent myself, after which I will stand on one end of a Christmas cracker and pull the other end, then sit down to watch the downton abbey Christmas special while enjoying my single slice of Christmas cake! Get drunk, have an argument with myself over the last chocolate orange segment and pass out……happy holidays!!:D

Much better to book a cruise for xmas and new year so at least you can be drunk and miserable in company ;)

apparently they have already made next easters chocolate eggs and they are in chill stores :eek:

Yes it gets weird and scary about this time of year , going into Asda you know that things are changing .

The bottle neck of people trying to get out of the store Vs the ones trying toget in the store .

The problem seems to be a pyramid stack of tins of Roses /Quality street with an over eager "Happy Helper" , well thats what it

says on his badge ,blurts out to you "look at these ,only £5 ... Soon be Christmas !"

You feel like telling them you will have the one at the bottom of the stack .

Two girls are throwing the perfumes out of a glass cabinet and you just know next week that will be full of fireworks .

The shopping is taking twice as long as it did last week as they are shunting everything around the store .

After passing the soon to be out of date mince pies and the vile Christmas puds. Now theres a thing ,Christmas puds, you buy them ,

take them home pour a decent drink all over it and then set fire to it :confused:.

Everyone is hoping the flames do not go out until it has all burnt away.

Anyway you have passed them in the aisle and turn into the freezer dept . This looks like a Somalian supermarket , half of it is empty ,

they have moved it . Just an icey void where the frozen chips once laid :(.

Two shop workers are walking up the isle , "Excuse me but where have they put the chips ?"

The first looks at you " Chips , err ..I think they are up past toothpaste, past car engine oil but before birthday cards "

I point out that thre is no food freezers up that end . They both laugh and in Stereo tell me " There are now !

We have got to make room for the frozen turkeys ."

By the time I have got through the checkouts the crowd near the pyramid of tinned chocs is now worse than ever .

I notice a gang of shop workers are among the crowd ,maybe they have come to help ease the bottle neck of shoppers but no .

They are putting up the halloween masks and costumes at the otherside of the tins of chocolates .

So next week is the start of the season when after 4.30pm whilst sat in the house I can hear the whistles and bangs of the fireworks

going off every five minutes and next doors dog going mental at the sound of them, whilst the dogs owners just carry on with the last

of the summer barbies they seem to have most nights .

This means I will not answer the door in the evenings , its door to door sales teams , kids trick or treating , or proudly showing me their

dads best shirt and trousers stuffed with last weeks newspapers and an old Tesco bag for life ,used as its head , asking me for a penny

for the Guy ?

Yeah right , I my day a penny but if you gave them a penny and closed the door ...Lets hope your house looks the same in the morning .

Should you have been daft enough to open your door and give them money, oops .

As Marleys ghost said in A Christmas Carol " Expect to be visited three times tonight. " Only in your case it would be a gang of youths

and not a ghost and the other difference is this will be most nights in the coming months :eek:.

Just to show how flexible they can be some nights as you open the door , they could well sing the first line of we wish you a merry

Christmas and hold their hands out for money whilst explaining tonight they are carol singers.

The real truth is one of the lads dad wanted the Guy back as its snooker night down at the club tonight and his other shirts in the wash .

Thank God for Christmas cruise ships :D.

Very amusing piece this...very witty....so true...laughing so much i nearly dropped my glass of mulled wine:D

all joking aside tho, Christmas for us this year is going to be fantastic and terrible in equal measures

due to DS work commitments we haven’t had our summer holiday yet so have booked family to sharm in november (fantastic)

As soon as the kids went back to school I started shopping for Christmas (not so great) a pain because we keep eating the giant tins of roses and have to buy another (great)

Christmas markets will start (quite enjoy them)

after that OH and I are off on the dream transatlantic (fantastic) back on christmas eve (not so great) then off again same day to relatives (terrible) kids will have to look after the house & grandma & decorate the tree while we are away (Hopefully we will recognise the house when we get back at 6am before driving up the M4, M5 M6, M62….on Christmas eve!) will miss the local nativity too

have booked the dream again in march to get over it all (fantastic)

:D:DThat's it made. Christmas cake now sitting cooling before being wrapped up and put in cupboard to mature before marzipan and icing go on in December. House is all warm and smelling very boozy. Bought cards in January so only have the "special" ones to get next week. Then - cases out of loft and do some packing and unpacking - 19 days to go then we're off on the Majesty.:D:D

Bl**dy Halloween!:mad:

DD's said to me, can we please (oh please, oh please, pleee....eeese) have some Halloween outfits for a spooky party next weekend!......So we had a look around the shops....£29.99!! each! for some cr*py plastic cobwebby bin bag with an (optional) stick on tattoo?!.....I'm supposed to be saving up for a dinner suit!......cant you just wear a sombrero or something? I said, they both looked up from their ipods, slowly pulled out their earphones and just looked at me with that sullen sideways teenage look (teenage death glare!) how about some plastic dog poo? I said..........dont think I'll be getting that dinner suit anytime soon!

I have really grown to hate Halloween

Don’t get me wrong, I have no objection to handing out some boxed raisins or wherthers originals to a 3 year old in a cute home made ghost costume on halloween, but I do get a bit incensed when some acne faced 17 year old, smelling of red bull shows up at my door with an insolent scowl and demands free treats or more likely just cash!

In my day, teenagers didn’t harass their neighbours for unearned sweets they were busy holding down a job, harvesting crops or serving in the armed forces overseas

at least they could put some effort into it, these teens don’t even say 'trick or treat' don’t make eye contact with you and don’t even bother with any costume, If they intend to carry on with this the least they could do is dress like tramps or something......oh wait....they do

They just roll their eyes and thrust their hand under your nose while text messaging their location to all the other teens up the street who are busy spraying graffiti on the walls of the local bus shelter, In my day, we didn’t have graffiti, we decorated our towns with brightly coloured bunting, christmas lights and garden gnomes

And why do they always knock on my door at 10 o’clock at night, this is long past the time when any legitimate trick or treater has gone home, gorged themselves senseless and thrown up

you feel like saying to them.... why dont you pull those studs out of your ears nose eyebrows mouth eyelids and tongue, melt them down for scrap and easily make enough cash to more than cover your upcoming bail hearing and child support case's

and don’t they always seem to have a slight air of violence about them? Refuse their demands and you’re likely to find your rose bushes covered in toilet paper or a flaming bag of dog cr*p on your doorstep!:eek:

Well, threat or no threat, this year I’m saying 'No'

Rant Over.......Happy Halloween…….Now get the Hell off my lawn:D

Wow Christmas items on sale already.

Thank goodness for cruises. Who would buy a cruise 18 months before sailing? Answer Thomsons customers:confused:.

Wow Christmas items on sale already.

Thank goodness for cruises. Who would buy a cruise 18 months before sailing? Answer Thomsons customers:confused:.

And Fred.Olsen customers :). As you can see we are already booked for Feb. 2014 :eek: and that was booked in March - 23 months before sailing :D

Thomson are losing out here!

And Fred.Olsen customers :). As you can see we are already booked for Feb. 2014 :eek: and that was booked in March - 23 months before sailing :D

Thomson are losing out here!

I like an optimistic person.;)

Thomsons are missing a trick here

we are booked up ahead as far as april 2013 and are now twiddling our thumbs waiting for them to release winter 2013

The Trick or Treat C*** only started in Britain, afer the film E.T was shown, before that we used to just enjoy apple bobbing.

I had heard that Americans made a big thing of Halloween, but never thought we would fall for it, how wrong I was.I never allowed my son to trick or treat, such a horrible concept, many people thought me mean, what did I care, they could let their kids do what they wanted, mine wasn't going to knock on people doors demanding things. He quickly understood why I objected to it and doesn't appear to have suffered too many psycological problems due to his non participation !!

As for Christmas starting in September.....Tesco have their tins of choccies reduced to £4, from £5 this week, and yes I have bought one, to hide away....hopefully it will stay hidden until December

Bl**dy Halloween!:mad:

 

DD's said to me, can we please (oh please, oh please, pleee....eeese) have some Halloween outfits for a spooky party next weekend!......So we had a look around the shops....£29.99!! each! for some cr*py plastic cobwebby bin bag with an (optional) stick on tattoo?!.....I'm supposed to be saving up for a dinner suit!......cant you just wear a sombrero or something? I said, they both looked up from their ipods, slowly pulled out their earphones and just looked at me with that sullen sideways teenage look (teenage death glare!) how about some plastic dog poo? I said..........dont think I'll be getting that dinner suit anytime soon!

 

I have really grown to hate Halloween

 

 

Well, threat or no threat, this year I’m saying 'No'

 

Rant Over.......Happy Halloween…….Now get the Hell off my lawn:D

Do what we do - turn off all the lights & doorbell and hide at the back of the house (only trouble is, our kitchen's at the front so I have to fumble my way in the dark to make myself a cup of coffee!!) - either that - or nicely tied in with half term week, book a week away to get away from it all :D :D

Trick or treat is an American tradition but we used to go Guising as children and is a Pagan/Christian ritual which goes as far back as the 10th century and is celebrated all over Europe.

We used to love going round the neighbours doing little party pieces, ie. singing, dancing, poetry, jokes, etc. We were normally given sweets or fruit and occasionally money which was put towards fireworks for the following week. The boys would usually make a dummy and put it in a barrow or pram and go out for "penny for the guy" leading up to the 5th November and any pennies (which was what it was) was added to the money from guising. Wood would also be collected during the week and piled high on a spare bit of ground in preparation for the bonfire and fireworks. All families attended and the growing bonfire was safe until Guy Fawkes Night when the dummy was put on the top and then it was lit and fireworks started.

All great innocent fun - but no longer. We don't answer the door as there are no children in our area now so it would be total strangers basically begging and a "penny" or a sweet would not be acceptable.:eek:

Oh the childhood memories - nursing home not far off.:D

I think the one that gave you value for money was the 4th of November better known in as Mischievous Night.

We never asked for a penny, too busy legging it rather than end up with our earholes thumped :)

We used to do allsorts of Mischievous things :o

Things like Knocking on your door and running away , knocking on your door leaving you a lit fire cracker or burning newspaper

with dog crap for you to stamp out .

If you were really lucky you could have your washing line cut down and tied to your door handle and the other end tied off so

you could not get out of your house or even tied to your dustbin so the only way your door was opening was if you tipped your

own dustbin over .

Lit paper put up your drain pipes , so it would make an errie sound as it went up the pipe :eek:.

To think we never asked for a penny , it was a free service :cool:

The kids of today eh ? Nowt like we was in our day , loads of tricks but minus the treats really :D

love that Kalos :D

Stevie

love that Kalos :D

 

Stevie

Disclaimer

Should South Yorkshire Police read any of this (in the words of 10cc)

"I Didn't do it ,I wasn't there" :o:D

Its officially October.....guess what that means....yes, I am counting down to my cruise....but worse than that!....they have got Christmas tunes playing on a loop in the shopping centre:eek:

Those festive tunes are indelibly imprinted on my brain, but, somehow I can never remember the words?

Once in Royal Davids City Doo Doo Doo DoDo Doo Shed!

Next....We’re walking in the aiiiirrrrr!

what’s that about?:confused:

Some huge snowman comes alive, grabs Aled Jones by the scarf and whisks him off to some freezing cold place? in the middle of the night?? brrrrrrr

whatever floats your boat Aled!......If I was walking in the air, I'd want 2 wings, a tail, some jet engines a comfy seat and a gin and tonic....I certainly wouldn’t want to go swimming in the frozen sky much either

Then there's the worrying Tune from the States? Where some old man in a red suit breaks into your house and is accosting your mother under the mistletoe along with the sinister warning that if we all behave he will come back next year and do it again!:eek:

And what’s this?.... an excruciating desire for a White Christmas, Yes, The white christmas that Britain never see's because it never actually snows until about march, at which point the whole country falls apart, the travel infrastructure collapses and everyone starts imagining that we're all going to die.....why would one want that once a year? No No....Noel Noel (sorry lost my train of though there?):o

So, Tomorrow when ms magot insists we go the shopping centre, I am going be sitting outside in the car listening to Kraftwerk and revving the engine:D

Bet you love it all really....even in October :D

Rumbled:o:):p

Yes its officially October.....guess what that means.... Dont Forget To Buy The Daughters Birthday Card /Pressie.

Well apart from that and also counting down to my cruise , not forgeting what a strange month October is .

My door still gets bombarded with Junk mail . The local/ national chain pubs informing me NOW (In October) is the time

to book my Christmas day meal with them at a tad off fifty quid a person .

Oh and could I book now to avoid disapointment ?? For who , me or them ? The latter me thinks .

Just as I am binning that ,the letter box goes again , Could it be something good ? Nope.

It's just a menu from Mr Zeeeeeeee's down the road food emporium. Looks the same as the one I got last week ........ Oh hold on ..

.. back page is different .

Reads " Mr Zeeeeeeee's authentic Currys ,Pizza,Chinese,Kebab,(K-F-Zee) Chicken and Fish & Chips ... open 24 / 6 Closed Sunday .

Book your Christmas Eve Takeaway .. Now

Any orders over £15 will receive a Tandori Turkey Leg Free !!

Also Mr Zeeeeeeee's will give you a Vindaloo Mince Pie !!

Book early to avoid disapointment ! Mmm Right .

Time to check my e-mails on my PC.

Oh look I got mail from that coach company who took us on the river cruise the other year .Maybe they have some good tours lets look ..

.. Hit cruise tab ...reads " sorry but unavailable. "

Oh look a seasonal Tab whats this .. " Book now Eastbourne or Oban for your Tinsel & Turkey Break ! Limited seats left 19th/26th October .

Hurry Book Now to avoid disapointment !

You get ..Luxury return coach travel ( The coach heaters now work)

3 or 4 nights comfortable accommodation ( Its a sea side guest house)

Traditional full cooked breakfast (Greasy fry up)

Mulled wine on arrival (more like Mauled Wine)

3-course evening meals ( Tinned soup -Meal -Tinned peaches)

Traditional Christmas dinner with a complimentary glass of wine

1 festive afternoon tea (leftovers from Christmas dinner )

Festive entertainment with music, dancing and carol singing (In October)

Visit from Santa (Midweek breaks only) (There is no Midweek Break)

At least 1 sightseeing excursion to explore the surrounding area ( calling at one of Mr Zeeeeeeee's shops )

They are almost fully booked ? Who the hell goes on these in the middle of October ? Maybe you lot ? No ...well I don't go ...

I tell you October it's mad .I'ts not summer and i'ts not winter either but I know its a crazy month :confused:.

Sorry I have to go now ,there's someone at our door stood singing ..Once In Royal Davids City ,dressed in a Halloween outfit and mask.

Bloody hell theres two of them ...Oh wait the others Guy Fawkes in a pram .

They have gone Phew..wait he's put something in my letterbox .

It's a card ..Reads " Sorry I missed you , will call back or you can ring me on my mobile to avoid disapointment" !

The cheeky little sod :eek:.:D

We stayed in Hull last night in the Lenny Henry Hotel ;)

Quite nice it was too with nice views of the Deep and the P&O ferries .

Now yesterday was the 6th of October and I made a short film of leaving the lift at reception which is on the 7th floor :eek:.

Im sure Geomagot will enjoy the film ;):D FILM -Click Here

***** Good Bl**dy G!.....

Just when I thought my weekend couldn't get any worse

Not only did I not get to listen to my favourite Kraftwerk CD:(

ms magot insisted that I and my credit card accompany her to explore every corner of every level of the local shopping centre where I have been bombarded with hour upon hour of festive tunes by bands like the Ronettes and the Crystals (Phil Spectors wall of sound augmented with ten thousand jingle bells!)

and

Roy Wood, the terrifyingly hirsute leader of Wizzard, who wishes it could be Christmas everyday...I bet you do Roy! if you listen carefully you can hear the Kerr-chinggg of cash registers being used as a backing track! Thanks Alot Roy!:mad:

followed by

the (actually quite jazzy dulcet tones) of 'Santa Baby' by (I'm just going for an) Eartha Kitt

Now This!

A fully decorated illuminated christmas tree...in October!:eek:

I see this and I want to break every one of it's Balls!:D

and while I'm at it

I'd like to replace that waving plastic fairy with Lenny Henry as well

Oh Lenny, Lenny, What’s happened to you Lenny? You were so great!......until you discovered Shakespeare?:confused::D

I wandered in from work as usual this evening only to find that our household has been visited by the Grim Reaper Himself! in fact! his scythe nearly took my eye out!

Dad! he said 'Errrr??....Can I help you?' I said 'No! You're standing in front of the telly' he replied, Eh? I looked a bit closer....... it was dd 'Oh it's you' I said, 'yes dad, its the party tonight remember the spooky party' Oh yes, err nice outfit' I said backing out into the kitchen

where I found that the dog had been almost totally encased in andrex?:eek:

'whats up with the dog' I asked ms magot 'Oh well......the dog is now an Egyptian mummy dog' she said, 'do you mean Anubis?' I said.....'No!' she said 'its the same dog just done up in andrex!'

just at that point dd #2 stumbled down the stairs wearing a pink sparkly prom dress, 6" heels, a shrug and a latex Werewolf head complete with sideburns and whiskers.....'where the dog' she said 'he's in his usuall place right there at you feet dear' said ms magot,' 'Oh' she said 'I cant see anything in this mask?!'

'Umm is this wise?' I ventured......

just then, the doorbell rang, I opened the door to find that the cast of Lady Gaga's Monster Ball had assembled on the doorstep!

'you ready?' mumbled what looked like Alice Cooper!

Death Himself, A Werewolf in a pink dress and heels and Anubis then proceeded to trot out of the front door pausing only to grab a tenner out of my wallet on the way past!:(

Well, Shut the f..... front door! I yelled after them:rolleyes::D:D

I wandered in from work as usual this evening only to find that ....

Death Himself, A Werewolf in a pink dress and heels and Anubis then proceeded to trot out of the front door pausing only to grab a tenner out of my wallet on the way past!:(

What a horrible thing to happen to you :eek:

I hope that your ok and think yourself lucky , it could have been worse,

but as it was, your wallet only had a tenner in it ,at the time ;). :D:D

A Touching Christmas Story

A couple were Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.

Walking through the mall, the surprised wife looked up and noticed her husband was no where around and she was very upset because they had a lot to do.

She used her cell phone to call her husband to ask him where he was because she was so upset.

The husband, in a calm voice, said, "Honey remember the jewellery store we went into 5 years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

His wife, crying, said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store dear."

He said, "Well, I'm in the bar next door to it."

Stevie ;)