mehitabel Posted January 12, 2010 #1 Share Posted January 12, 2010 Due to my assiduous perusal of every Cruise Critic thread on the whole site, I now know all of the secrets to a successful cruise. Because I hold you all in such esteem, I'm going to share them with you. Aren't you the lucky ones? Okay, first: Make sure to adhere closely to the suggestions--I mean guidelines--no, wait--the iron-clad rules set forth by your cruise line when dressing for dinner. Unless you don't want to. But still, you have to. But not really. Seriously, though, dress up on formal night. What does that mean? Whatever you want it to. But no jeans. Unless they're nice ones. Or shorts, unless they're the kind that come down to just past your ankles. Those are okay. Keep in mind, also, that if you're not wearing clothes appropriate to the occasion, people will look at you funny. Depending on how you look naturally, though, that might happen anyway. Ready for number two? It's this: Do NOT ever dine in the Main Dining Room. You'll get ptomaine poisoning and E. coli and heartbreak of psoriasis and have to go to some dingy hospital where they treat you with leeches. So DON'T eat in the MDR, unless it's Lobster Night. But don't eat at the buffet, either, because all of the food is too cold, or too hot, or too lukewarm, and there's never enough of it except for what there's too much of, and people will sneeze into the pasta salad, and then you're really up the creek. Also, you shouldn't book the specialty restaurants, because they're a total ripoff and should've been included in the price of the cruise to begin with. Jerks. No room service, either, because they'll charge you for it. Or not. It's bad, at any rate. Your best option is to bring a big barrel of trail mix onboard with you and just graze for the duration. Which brings us to number three: Don't drink anything, either, because nothing onboard is free except gross water and totally inferior coffee and tea and iced tea and milk, and maybe or maybe not lemonade. Bring your own water desalinization kit and a really really really long-handled ladle and just process the seawater from over the side. And by all means bring your own alcoholic beverages, even though it's ILLEGAL and WRONG and TERRIBLE and they will PUT YOU IN A SCARY ROOM with everyone's confiscated goodies, so maybe it's a good idea after all. Number four is: Book a suite. That's right, book one, you elitist greedy capitalist tool of the patriarchy. Get your fancy little shampoos and deck chairs. What's that? You want to save some money? Well, fine, cheapskate. Get an interior cabin, with no amenities and no window, down there next to the engines and the bilge. Go right ahead--you'll be sorry. Oh, you over there, you want something in the middle? A window or a balcony? Well, that's just a copout. No suite perks, but no taking one for Team Frugal either. What a tepid loser thing to do. Obviously, the best thing to do is to set up a tent in the bridge with all of the high-ranking officers. THAT'S prestige. So there you all have it! Follow my simple rules and you'll have a great time! See how easy it is? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ASeaPrincess1 Posted January 12, 2010 #2 Share Posted January 12, 2010 By Jove, I think you've got it!!!:D:D:D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texas cowgirl Posted January 12, 2010 #3 Share Posted January 12, 2010 Methibel has to much time on their hands!!!!!!!!!!!! Just pack a bag, get on board and WHAT EVER HAPPENS HAPPENS!!!!!! We're sailing in 13 days. WHOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOO Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amazonracer Posted January 12, 2010 #4 Share Posted January 12, 2010 Due to my assiduous perusal of every Cruise Critic thread on the whole site, I now know all of the secrets to a successful cruise. Because I hold you all in such esteem, I'm going to share them with you. Aren't you the lucky ones? Okay, first: Make sure to adhere closely to the suggestions--I mean guidelines--no, wait--the iron-clad rules set forth by your cruise line when dressing for dinner. Unless you don't want to. But still, you have to. But not really. Seriously, though, dress up on formal night. What does that mean? Whatever you want it to. But no jeans. Unless they're nice ones. Or shorts, unless they're the kind that come down to just past your ankles. Those are okay. Keep in mind, also, that if you're not wearing clothes appropriate to the occasion, people will look at you funny. Depending on how you look naturally, though, that might happen anyway. Ready for number two? It's this: Do NOT ever dine in the Main Dining Room. You'll get ptomaine poisoning and E. coli and heartbreak of psoriasis and have to go to some dingy hospital where they treat you with leeches. So DON'T eat in the MDR, unless it's Lobster Night. But don't eat at the buffet, either, because all of the food is too cold, or too hot, or too lukewarm, and there's never enough of it except for what there's too much of, and people will sneeze into the pasta salad, and then you're really up the creek. Also, you shouldn't book the specialty restaurants, because they're a total ripoff and should've been included in the price of the cruise to begin with. Jerks. No room service, either, because they'll charge you for it. Or not. It's bad, at any rate. Your best option is to bring a big barrel of trail mix onboard with you and just graze for the duration. Which brings us to number three: Don't drink anything, either, because nothing onboard is free except gross water and totally inferior coffee and tea and iced tea and milk, and maybe or maybe not lemonade. Bring your own water desalinization kit and a really really really long-handled ladle and just process the seawater from over the side. And by all means bring your own alcoholic beverages, even though it's ILLEGAL and WRONG and TERRIBLE and they will PUT YOU IN A SCARY ROOM with everyone's confiscated goodies, so maybe it's a good idea after all. Number four is: Book a suite. That's right, book one, you elitist greedy capitalist tool of the patriarchy. Get your fancy little shampoos and deck chairs. What's that? You want to save some money? Well, fine, cheapskate. Get an interior cabin, with no amenities and no window, down there next to the engines and the bilge. Go right ahead--you'll be sorry. Oh, you over there, you want something in the middle? A window or a balcony? Well, that's just a copout. No suite perks, but no taking one for Team Frugal either. What a tepid loser thing to do. Obviously, the best thing to do is to set up a tent in the bridge with all of the high-ranking officers. THAT'S prestige. So there you all have it! Follow my simple rules and you'll have a great time! See how easy it is? Did you mention in their somewhere about the salty food. Wait, no it was no flavor? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mehitabel Posted January 12, 2010 Author #5 Share Posted January 12, 2010 You're right, I forgot about the salty food. It's all way too salty, except for the stuff that has no salt and no spices and no flavor and no ZING. The only food that's properly produced at all? The savory bites. Everything else? CRAP. Salty or not-salty-enough crap. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reeran Posted January 12, 2010 #6 Share Posted January 12, 2010 :eek:Oh man...the savory bites...I forgot all about them...I could live on them! I actually cruise just for the savory bites...I don't know whats in em and I don't care.:eek: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wl2cruise Posted January 12, 2010 #7 Share Posted January 12, 2010 Due to my assiduous perusal of every Cruise Critic thread on the whole site, I now know all of the secrets to a successful cruise. Because I hold you all in such esteem, I'm going to share them with you. Aren't you the lucky ones? Okay, first: Make sure to adhere closely to the suggestions--I mean guidelines--no, wait--the iron-clad rules set forth by your cruise line when dressing for dinner. Unless you don't want to. But still, you have to. But not really. Seriously, though, dress up on formal night. What does that mean? Whatever you want it to. But no jeans. Unless they're nice ones. Or shorts, unless they're the kind that come down to just past your ankles. Those are okay. Keep in mind, also, that if you're not wearing clothes appropriate to the occasion, people will look at you funny. Depending on how you look naturally, though, that might happen anyway. Ready for number two? It's this: Do NOT ever dine in the Main Dining Room. You'll get ptomaine poisoning and E. coli and heartbreak of psoriasis and have to go to some dingy hospital where they treat you with leeches. So DON'T eat in the MDR, unless it's Lobster Night. But don't eat at the buffet, either, because all of the food is too cold, or too hot, or too lukewarm, and there's never enough of it except for what there's too much of, and people will sneeze into the pasta salad, and then you're really up the creek. Also, you shouldn't book the specialty restaurants, because they're a total ripoff and should've been included in the price of the cruise to begin with. Jerks. No room service, either, because they'll charge you for it. Or not. It's bad, at any rate. Your best option is to bring a big barrel of trail mix onboard with you and just graze for the duration. Which brings us to number three: Don't drink anything, either, because nothing onboard is free except gross water and totally inferior coffee and tea and iced tea and milk, and maybe or maybe not lemonade. Bring your own water desalinization kit and a really really really long-handled ladle and just process the seawater from over the side. And by all means bring your own alcoholic beverages, even though it's ILLEGAL and WRONG and TERRIBLE and they will PUT YOU IN A SCARY ROOM with everyone's confiscated goodies, so maybe it's a good idea after all. Number four is: Book a suite. That's right, book one, you elitist greedy capitalist tool of the patriarchy. Get your fancy little shampoos and deck chairs. What's that? You want to save some money? Well, fine, cheapskate. Get an interior cabin, with no amenities and no window, down there next to the engines and the bilge. Go right ahead--you'll be sorry. Oh, you over there, you want something in the middle? A window or a balcony? Well, that's just a copout. No suite perks, but no taking one for Team Frugal either. What a tepid loser thing to do. Obviously, the best thing to do is to set up a tent in the bridge with all of the high-ranking officers. THAT'S prestige. So there you all have it! Follow my simple rules and you'll have a great time! See how easy it is? Something is missing:confused: Oh I know what cruise line are you talking about ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ASeaPrincess1 Posted January 12, 2010 #8 Share Posted January 12, 2010 And what about the Honey Stung Chicken that has no honey and is dried out cardboard but is moist and juicy when not dried out but only on the first day?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bigtex1622 Posted January 12, 2010 #9 Share Posted January 12, 2010 Something is missing:confused: Oh I know what cruise line are you talking about ? Which ever is your favorite !:D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trixietx Posted January 12, 2010 #10 Share Posted January 12, 2010 An elitist greedy capitalist tool of the patriarchy. I hope you don't have a gun. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hockeyken Posted January 12, 2010 #11 Share Posted January 12, 2010 :D:D Sorry, no time to follow your rules......I'm loading up my hunting rifle to go and shoot some wild chair hogs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fireman3632 Posted January 12, 2010 #12 Share Posted January 12, 2010 How could you forget all of the travesties of getting on and off the ship?:eek: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lcguy Posted January 12, 2010 #13 Share Posted January 12, 2010 And to think you spent so much time on this? :rolleyes: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beastiemom Posted January 12, 2010 #14 Share Posted January 12, 2010 Due to my assiduous perusal of every Cruise Critic thread on the whole site, I now know all of the secrets to a successful cruise. Because I hold you all in such esteem, I'm going to share them with you. Aren't you the lucky ones? Okay, first: Make sure to adhere closely to the suggestions--I mean guidelines--no, wait--the iron-clad rules set forth by your cruise line when dressing for dinner. Unless you don't want to. But still, you have to. But not really. Seriously, though, dress up on formal night. What does that mean? Whatever you want it to. But no jeans. Unless they're nice ones. Or shorts, unless they're the kind that come down to just past your ankles. Those are okay. Keep in mind, also, that if you're not wearing clothes appropriate to the occasion, people will look at you funny. Depending on how you look naturally, though, that might happen anyway. Ready for number two? It's this: Do NOT ever dine in the Main Dining Room. You'll get ptomaine poisoning and E. coli and heartbreak of psoriasis and have to go to some dingy hospital where they treat you with leeches. So DON'T eat in the MDR, unless it's Lobster Night. But don't eat at the buffet, either, because all of the food is too cold, or too hot, or too lukewarm, and there's never enough of it except for what there's too much of, and people will sneeze into the pasta salad, and then you're really up the creek. Also, you shouldn't book the specialty restaurants, because they're a total ripoff and should've been included in the price of the cruise to begin with. Jerks. No room service, either, because they'll charge you for it. Or not. It's bad, at any rate. Your best option is to bring a big barrel of trail mix onboard with you and just graze for the duration. Which brings us to number three: Don't drink anything, either, because nothing onboard is free except gross water and totally inferior coffee and tea and iced tea and milk, and maybe or maybe not lemonade. Bring your own water desalinization kit and a really really really long-handled ladle and just process the seawater from over the side. And by all means bring your own alcoholic beverages, even though it's ILLEGAL and WRONG and TERRIBLE and they will PUT YOU IN A SCARY ROOM with everyone's confiscated goodies, so maybe it's a good idea after all. Number four is: Book a suite. That's right, book one, you elitist greedy capitalist tool of the patriarchy. Get your fancy little shampoos and deck chairs. What's that? You want to save some money? Well, fine, cheapskate. Get an interior cabin, with no amenities and no window, down there next to the engines and the bilge. Go right ahead--you'll be sorry. Oh, you over there, you want something in the middle? A window or a balcony? Well, that's just a copout. No suite perks, but no taking one for Team Frugal either. What a tepid loser thing to do. Obviously, the best thing to do is to set up a tent in the bridge with all of the high-ranking officers. THAT'S prestige. So there you all have it! Follow my simple rules and you'll have a great time! See how easy it is? What??? No guidance on tipping? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redheada Posted January 12, 2010 #15 Share Posted January 12, 2010 And thank god you said book a suite or forget any chance of getting a pool chair Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melbur Posted January 12, 2010 #16 Share Posted January 12, 2010 I haven't laughed so hard since the last thread, no last three threads, no last 7 threads, maybe last 12 threads on the Diamond C&A benefits. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cruise_Kitten Posted January 12, 2010 #17 Share Posted January 12, 2010 Brilliant! :D CK x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zywnywld Posted January 12, 2010 #18 Share Posted January 12, 2010 You didn't mention if your a disgruntled cruise critic employee who is sick of the postings. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MiniMom57 Posted January 12, 2010 #19 Share Posted January 12, 2010 OMG!! Thanks for the laughs!!!:D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KeywestK Posted January 12, 2010 #20 Share Posted January 12, 2010 Love it!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mehitabel Posted January 12, 2010 Author #21 Share Posted January 12, 2010 And to think you spent so much time on this? :rolleyes: Yes, and I did it just for you. I'm so upset that you didn't like it! :rolleyes: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PamUK Posted January 12, 2010 #22 Share Posted January 12, 2010 rotflmao! Love it! Its all just soooo true. You have to treat these boards like a giant box of chocolates - only pick out the ones you really want/need, leave the others to people who like jawbreaking hard to chew hard to swallow toffees!:D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cruise_Couple Posted January 12, 2010 #23 Share Posted January 12, 2010 Thank you for the great laughs! Very funy post! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
subtchr Posted January 12, 2010 #24 Share Posted January 12, 2010 :eek:Oh man...the savory bites...I forgot all about them...I could live on them! I actually cruise just for the savory bites...I don't know whats in em and I don't care.:eek: SOOO true... Reminds me of the time the family was enjoying Cane's chicken fingers, and someone asked what they put in the sauce to make to sooo good. Between bites, my niece said, "Crack." Must be in the savory bites, too. Mehitabel, that was awesome. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjyanne Posted January 12, 2010 #25 Share Posted January 12, 2010 Can I purchase great works of Art on board? I'm looking to add a Picaso and Dali to my extensive Art Collection. Can I get them at BELOW Art Gallery prices?:rolleyes: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.