Just back from Hell Princess (satire)

[srphnx]

Originally written in 2004 during a period when complaining about Princess was at a high point.

 

(placing tongue in cheek)

 

Let us start by saying we didn't expect much of a cruise because of all the negative comments so we were glad when it came off as well as it did.

 

Our flight to the pier was great, sure glad we arranged it thru Princess, we were going from Phoenix to LA but would never had seen Portland, Memphis, Boston and Cleveland if we had booked the flight our selves and saved the silly little $1700 each extra it cost us thru the line.

 

We were grateful for every layover, every late plane, each TSA scan too. Did you know that body cavity searches can make a day seem much shorter?

 

All in all we we made the 400 miles in just under 37 hours. Thanks Princess.

 

Embarkation, we again were lucky. Most people didn't get there 3 days in advance, being in line Wednesday for a Saturday embarkation gets you a great perspective on the inner workings of a pier.

 

You meet the nicest homeless people and the aerobic benefits derived from "playing" with the guard dogs at night was great. We didn't get much to eat for the three days but did wrestle half an egg Mcmuffin from a sea gull on day two and that was a real highlight.

 

On Saturday, our "less than acceptable" hygiene got us "assisted"

by security for a few hours while the late arrivals got check in numbers and by the time we got done with the hose and brush squad we had boarding numbers 2900 and 2901, we were happy for it, they sure were pretty cards.

 

The ship was only 34 hours late. We were already experts at getting along at the pier so we got great spots in the less stinky dumpster for our nights sleep. Thanks Princess for recycling, aluminum is surprisingly comfy and not as sticky as normal trash.

 

Bruised and battered we got in line to get our key cards, it took only a few hours and the fact that our credit cards were all cut up by accident because of a "communications error" was really a godsend. We had nearly $27 in cash and that kept spending low on the ship.

 

Our cabin assignment was a little "blurry" according to the nice people who worked behind the counter and after calling Homeland Security on us ONLY twice for suspicious paperwork they got us a lovely cabin on the Zed deck.

 

This is a special deck and is extra clean because the diesel motors need clean air to make that comforting pounding noise. We were so happy to see our steward (disguised as a mechanic) to keep our elevated status secret. He was able to change our "potty bucket" not once but twice during the week. Sure it was changed with another used bucket but it was new to us. :D

 

We didn't do much of the ship board activities, as the noro-virus, plague and herpes out breaks kept all but 11 people quarantined to their cabins and the few that were out didn't want to do much in their bio hazard suits. We considered ourselves lucky at least our cabin had a hammock which we took turns in because it was "cozy".

 

If we had had the balcony we had originally paid for we would have to see the 40 foot waves we heard all the other sea-sick, plague infected, herpes carrying, noro-virus spreading pax talk about.

 

As it was in our all metal 46 square foot cabin, we had no concerns about those big waves, and the motors kept the hulls ominous creaking down to a minor nightmare causing level.

 

We love Princess and know they did all they could to feed us, they did get us food on both Thursday and Friday, even managing to get some thing not previously picked over on the second day. Thanks Princess, we lost over 30 pounds between us from dissentary in just a week .

 

"The incident":

 

Unlike many people who will also post on this topic, I think docking on that unscheduled island to pick up suspicous passengers was a good idea.

 

They were healthy and had lots of funny mannerisms and pretty masks. A no-search line at the xray machine did speed up their boarding and how much damage could a few pallets of heavily guarded stuff cause anyway?

 

Ok, it caused a little, but our side of the hull was intact almost all the way until the Coast guard cutter got there. Sure we had 3000 survivors, I mean passengers and the cutter could only take 75 at a time but we did get to finally see those big waves, felt em too.

 

We were so grateful for all the time we had in the 46 square foot cabin to play our favorite time passing game "total darkness muster drill". We had two of the best knots in our life preservers of anyone there.

 

One of our whistles kinda worked too. I played "Put on a happy face" on mine but no one joined in. Bunch of cry babies if you ask me.

 

We have already booked 18 more cruises, Princess didn't offer us a credit or a refund but did find one of her shoes and a piece of my new suit I had custom made for formal night, I think the lapel is the best part anyway.

 

We had a great time on our cruise, and so should you anytime any ship allows you to hide cowering in it's bilge pump room.

[Ginnyfyr]

OMG, this is the first thing to actually make me truly "LOL" in ages! Priceless!

[srphnx]

Glad you got a chuckle, my wife and I still say "bunch of crybabies if you ask me" when ever we want to acknowledge a tragedy in a light-hearted way. A bit of an inside joke I guess.

 

OMG, this is the first thing to actually make me truly "LOL" in ages! Priceless!

[Love.II.Cruise]

Glad you got a chuckle, my wife and I still say "bunch of crybabies if you ask me" when ever we want to acknowledge a tragedy in a light-hearted way. A bit of an inside joke I guess.

 

Just too funny! I think that will have to be an inside joke between us. We couldn't stop laughing.

[BuzzBuzzen]

As Montgomery Burns would say " excellent " thanks