Too early for Christmas

[davecttr]

Remember to get your sprouts on the boil before the end of November :D

[geomagot]

So, its officially November....And some of my neighbours are beginning to put up their festive Christmas lights (Ok, granted, some of them have still got their decorations dangling raggedly from last year)

 

Now Look, I dont mind a tasteful Christmas light or two, I'll happily slowdown and look at a small glowing bulb in a hedge somewhere or the corner of an illuminated tree peeping out:cool:

 

but the lights I mean are those that cling to sides of peoples houses like someone has inadvertently opened the gates of hell during satans office party that has burst outside and stuck to the brickwork of someone’s drab semi

 

each year in the street where I live its as if the residents have staged a competition to see whose house can be made the most hazardous to passing air traffic!:eek:

 

If you’re thinking of doing this, I'm sorry to have to tell you that, chances are that any of your neighbours who haven’t done this will probably want to take the tangled wire of that mildewed angel that you have got swinging from your porch and tie you up with it whist wrapping you in the punctured remains of that inflatable father christmas that fell off the chimney in the rain, and then leave you on the doorstep of Argos as a warning to others

 

I do not want to be kept awake between the hours of November and January by a glow not unlike a melting nuclear reactor pressing on my curtains and burning my sleepless eyes off:mad:

 

my neighbour usually has a lit-up life sized nativity scene complete with strobing ropelights on his front lawn! and the guy opposite has a row of animatronic dancing snowmen forming a freakish guard of honour along the path! Why, oh why, are people no longer satisfied with, maybe a little plastic reindeer/penguin or some tasteful holly on their front door?

 

and, for some reason? you can now get various lit up depictions of santa using modes of transport that he wouldn’t normally be associated with and that would, quite frankly, be hazardous if santa was really real?

 

OK, so you do get a smattering of santas on sleighs but now there are representations of santa riding everything from hot air balloons to bikes to trains....where in the story of St Nicholas did he deliver presents on a bike? it makes no practical sense at all?...stopping off to deliver presents worldwide in just one night on a bike?

 

then there’s the illuminated santa on a ladder....santa doesn’t need a ladder, does he? he's magic! and another thing, the one I saw was bolted on to the side of a bungalow! all santa would need to do is stand on the wheelie bin to gain access to the chimney? he’s not going to travel the earth carting a bl88dy great ladder about with him is he?:rolleyes:

 

and, I have also noticed that in the shops you can now buy little coca cola themed christmas tree baubles....ahhh, coca cola that traditional Christmas motif!?:confused::D

[barnowl1950]

It's begining to look a lot like CHRISTMAS isn't it exciting :D:D:D

[barnowl1950]

Bet you wouldn't mind if they were illuminated models of KRAFTWERK on the roofs opposite your house :D:D

[davecttr]

It's begining to look a lot like CHRISTMAS isn't it exciting :D:D:D

May I remind you about the sprouts :D:D:D

[barnowl1950]

Here's a thought...would you prefer it to happen only on a leap year? Could have a word with our M.Ps

[geomagot]

Bet you wouldn't mind if they were illuminated models of KRAFTWERK on the roofs opposite your house :D:D

 

now that would be a truly Magnificent sight....especially if it was bleeding out a mind altering hypnotising infinite loop of 'Wir fah'rn fah'rn auf der Autobahn......Autobahn' :cool:

 

people would gather in awestruck reverence.....They would drop to their knees in homage (like something out of Wayne’s World).......I could sell tickets:D

[geomagot]

May I remind you about the sprouts :D:D:D

 

And Sprouts....dont talk to me about sprouts....I have had so many sprout debacles its almost unbelievable....almost

 

I actually like sprouts or at least I would....like them...I grow them in my garden, they grow fat and green, then the rabbits eat them, so they must be good

 

Never mind...I thinks...I'm usually on cruise at christmas....there's bound to be a christmas dinner or three:cool:

 

Christmas 2010 aboard the dream, I was so looking forward to my plate of sprouts, Christmas evening arrived, we ordered the works, Turkey all the trimmings followed by a flaming Christmas pudding....we waited in anticipation, Christmas dinner arrived to great fanfare (they had crackers and everything)....I put on my tissue paper crown, even read the joke out to ms magot (who doesn't usually like jokes much) and then to my horror! I saw that we had each been served a single sprout each, just one lonely sprout, alone, solitary, Billy no sprouts!:(

 

I glanced over to the kids plates, they too had been served a single solitary sprout......I looked on longingly, the kids ate theirs one by one, right in front of my eyes.....they hate sprouts! they never eat anything remotely green (unless its a gone off turkey twizzler)

 

I cut my sprout into quarters and tried to imagine it was a plateful....it wasn't

 

this year I planted some sprouts in the garden under plastic....I nurtured them and loved them, played them their favorite Sigue Sigue Sputnik tracks, then one day while I was explaining the merits of Christmas at sea to them in hushed tones, I noticed that they looked a bit odd?

 

I must have bought the wrong packet and they were broccoli....I hate broccoli....even the rabbits didn't like the broccoli?

 

This year I would buy a pack of frozen sprouts but you cant cook them....you boil them and they turn to mush? only good for grouting the bathroom....... Delia stir fries hers with bacon.....so that you can just pick out the bacon and it will still be nice

 

Heston blooming hell or whatever his name is? probably makes ice cream out of them....sounds nice? if your craving a coronary heart attack

 

so this year its going to be peas....peas and goodwill to all men:D

[barnowl1950]

Surely the kids could have sold their sprouts to you, since they hate them ;)

[geomagot]

They have sold their souls before they'd feel sorry for little sproutless me.....and i hate fish:D

[stevedeccaman]

When I was a child (just as you are now BH says):rolleyes:

we did not even have Chrimbo stockings :eek: only a pillow case at bottom of bed full of ???

 

can remember oranges and once a mouth organ (that woke everyone up at 5am)

 

happy days , no mobiles ,not much tv only in black & white :eek:

 

but we seemed to have a very happy one :)

 

people used to have conversation with each other and not play on computers , or iphones, ipods ,playstations "whatever" as they now

 

however here I am using and a b****Y computer ! :rolleyes:

 

Stevie

 

have a nice weekend all to all on the forum

[kalos]

so this year its going to be peas....peas and goodwill to all men:D

 

Ah ! I remember a person on cruise critics once telling us the virtues of going on the bigger ships that they had a butler who would

bring snacks to their cabin .. mid afternoon Can O' Peas. :eek:

Now I'm sure that slumming it with peas can be avoided if you were to slip the cabin steward a crisp Fiver , then you could be munching

your way through a silver platter of sprouts.:cool:

 

happy days , no mobiles ,not much tv only in black & white

 

but we seemed to have a very happy one :)

 

people used to have conversation with each other and not play on computers , or iphones, ipods ,playstations "whatever" as they now

 

however here I am using and a b****Y computer ! :rolleyes:

 

Stevie

 

have a nice weekend all to all on the forum

 

I know what you mean Stevie , my family had little comunication last Christmas ,not as much as a text,

until I paid to top their mobiles up .

I wouldn't mind Steve but we were all sat in the same room !!

 

Have a great weekend everyone ! :D

[kalos]

Surely the kids could have sold their sprouts to you, since they hate them ;)

 

Ah well kids of a certain age, get to an age and for no real reason,(some say it's hormones) begin to dislike their parents .

The closest they come to liking you is demanding you give money to them and turning your car into a 24 hour Taxi for their use .

 

Now if they could see or even sense Geomagots distress of one sprout ...

it would be quite normal behaviour for them to eat it even given the fact they hated the things .

 

Formula > x1 stressed unhappy Dad = Happy teenager or teenagers :cool:

 

Or to put it another way you could have served them a housebrick ...

 

they would have ate it ,if they thought poor dad wanted it :(

 

It's what kids do :D

[geomagot]

Ahh Bless the little demons

 

Teens...what would we do with out them

 

They can actually speak in tx these days.....Here’s how an average adult to teen conversation goes in my household

 

me to daughter #2

 

Hello darling, had a good day

 

answer

 

Hey DD U alrite (hello daddy how are you)

 

Are you really going out with no hat coat gloves woolly socks and scarf?

 

answer

 

Yeah DD YOLO (yes dad I am, because I Can cant stop me, cant make me!)

 

where’s your mum?

 

answer

 

DM'll BRB (mummy's out but will be back at some unspecified time in the future)

 

what do you think of my new tie?

 

answer LOL (its a bit flowery)

 

 

When I was young we were respectful of others we used proper English with proper enunciation..........

 

Like

 

Me.......I'm off to get down at a happening gig in town ta feel the funk with my Jedi mates......can you feel the force, yeah!

 

Dad......do you mean that you are attending a rather interesting cultural event being held at a reputable establishment in the town centre with your acquaintances?

 

Me......yeah man can ya dig it! big daddy! ......swiftly followed by a clip round the ear! and informed in no uncertain terms that myself and my Rod Stewart lookalike friends can do the washing up first! and be home before 9.30pm

 

;):D

[kalos]

Mr Zeee owns all shops apart from Tesco Express . The old post office got shut down but Mr Zeee opened it back up due to heavy

demand from locals for Giro's and pensions , not everyone works in our village but Mr Zee is there for them. Well thats what he tells them.

If you can imagine the guy who runs the chippy in the film East is East .Well Mr Zeee is a dead ringer for him apart from being a bit fatter

and he wears an eye patch.

Next door to the old post office is Mr Zeees Chippy and his auto spares shop Zee-Zoom-Car-Shop. Now dont get me wrong ,he's a nice

man but if he see's you going into Tesco he will shout you towards his shops and that is where it can get expensive.

He makes Auntie Wainright out of The Last Of The Summer Wine look cheap. Mrs Kalos had run out of milk the other day and I was set

the task of going for some . I told her as I jumped in the car I will be ten minutes as I will nip down to Asda for it.

"No! use the Tesco its a minute away ,I want the milk now." So it's 300yds down the road and at least I had the car for a quick exit should I need to .I parked in front of Tesco dashed in got the milk and as I came out stood next to my car is Mr Zeee . He makes out it's a chance meeting.

"Kalos my friend ..I have not seen you in my shop ...What you do buy bloody milk in there for ? Told you before see Mr Zeee, I give you better price." I Never get a word from my lips and he continues .. "Kalos my friend , I have good supprise for you , cost you nowt , promise , come follow." I tell him Mrs Kalos is waiting for me . " Oh she lovley woman she be mad if you miss this, come follow." As we walk into his chippy he nips round the counter saying " Look what I got for you my friend .. A Tandori Turkey Leg " He goes onto assure me its free !

I hesitate and then say thanks . "You like ..Yes ." I nod . "Good I put two to side for you , You take to airport when you go on cruise ..

No need to thank me my friend and you can tell your good lady I give you this one for free."

 

"Now whilst I get the Zeee-Zoom boys to do free winter check on your car, you can come and wait in the warm, in my shop." He said winking with his good eye. I just knew it would be futile to say anything . "Tell you what Kalos,you can look through my latest selection of Christmas cards,while you wait for car,best to buy early ,then I can give you very good deal ,"

 

Mrs Kalos wanted me to hurry as she was getting ready to go buy another " Must Have" cruise dress .It's in a sale with 50% off ,which means I get to save 50% of what it could have cost me .Makes sense I think, well thats what Mrs Kalos says ,so must be right.

"We have to watch the pennies ,with the cruise & Christmas coming up." She keeps reminding me .

 

Well apart from wondering where the hell I've got to.she should be impressed! .......

I got the milk, a dozen Christmas Cards,new windscreen wipers for the car ,a free turkey leg and two more for the airport !

With the savings of Mr Zee and the Mrs, it's not going to be long before we can afford the next cruise and Christmas should be a financial breeze at this rate . Never too early for Christmas Savings ! ;)

 

 

(None of the above is true and no turkeys lost their legs in making of this tale.) :D:D

　

[geomagot]

ms magot has inadvertently updated MY ipod with HER her playlist!?:(

 

Doh!

 

not only have a I lost all my Kraftwerk tracks (and some are really obscure!) but NOW! I can only listen to her Christmas tunes, which consist mainly of the screams of Noddy Holder!

 

OK I thinks, not so bad...I could just while away my time whilst standing at the bus stop trying not to listen (and sing along) and could analyze some of the lyrics instead

 

I'm sorry but IMO there WILL be snow in Africa this Christmastime because Mount Kilimanjaro has a 365 days of the year covering of snow, that is, until 2025 when along with the ice caps it should have melted

 

And I'd like to wish mr Bono a very happy Clanging Chimes of Doom too, thanks mr Bono

 

What about this......the most unlikely duet ever?

 

Little drummer boy by David Bowie in his most coked up phase with Bing Crosby wearing his golf jumper....Surreal!:confused:

 

wait.....what the?

 

‘Pa-rum-pum-pumpum-pum....doo dodo doo In the nuclear fallout zone’...what’s with the colliery band in the background on this one? How did that conversation at the recording studio go…..‘So guys we want to record a christmas hit no 1 record, any ideas?’

 

‘How about a jaunty song about snowmen, sleighs, charming angels and bells?’

 

‘How about we get Cliff Richard in?’

 

‘I know, how about we record a festive tune about nuclear proliferation but with some welsh miners playing the backing track’

 

Oh Yes Yes, the third one, that’ll be perfect….I’ll fetch Taffy

 

I Wonder if Mr Zee has ever thought about adding record producing to his portfolio of enterprising enterprises?........ 'on the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me..... 2 corner shops....5 Mubai call centres....eleven syllable names, and a totally insufficient dowry' ....He could go far with this:cool:

 

anyway

 

Pa-rum-pum-pumpum-pum...... and then there’s (the mind altering) john Lennons Happy Christmas (war is over) perhaps ms magot is a pasifist? (doesn’t show much?)

 

It was only the heartbreaking & tear jerking Elvis Presley’s 'It'll be lonely this christmas ......with out you to hold' that caused a genuine tear to my eye and convinced me (unwillingly) to remove my hands from around ms magots neck!:(

 

:D

[barnowl1950]

It's obvious you are someone who just loves the festered season. Do you wish it could be Christmas every day? With the kids all singing etc, etc......

 

Bet you do :D

[geomagot]

Do you wish it could be Christmas every day? With the kids all singing etc, etc.....

 

And the band begins to play ay ay ayyy.......ye e e e ah:eek:......oh, I wish it could christmas every da a a y let the bells (the bells Igor the bells!) ring out fooooooooor oooorr Chriss.........Masss

 

You know I (secretly) Luv it all really:D

[barnowl1950]

And the band begins to play ay ay ayyy.......ye e e e ah:eek:......oh, I wish it could christmas every da a a y let the bells (the bells Igor the bells!) ring out fooooooooor oooorr Chriss.........Masss

 

You know I (secretly) Luv it all really:D

 

Excellent......................HO HO HO!

[geomagot]

Christmas commercials??

 

John Lewis: Quite sweet, Quite Heart wrenching! So tear jerking!....nice backing track:cool:

 

Asda: Quite right! that harassed mum should be running around 24/7 making Christmas perfect for everyone, while he sits around drinking champagne and watching telly.....bout time we had some reality on TV IMO

 

Waitrose: Heston seems to have given Delia a big tub of green tiddly winks in a warehouse somewhere? She doesn’t seem very pleased (well they never are, are they?)

 

Confused dot com: just confused plain and simple:confused:

 

Argos: An Invasion by an Alien family all busy with smartphones ordering everything online….oh well…might as well start by destroying the high street first before they take over the world

 

Woolworths: Oops!....maybe not:o

 

M&S: Knickers bit was good

[kalos]

Christmas commercials??

 

John Lewis: Quite sweet, Quite Heart wrenching! So tear jerking!....nice backing track:cool:

 

Asda: Quite right! that harassed mum should be running around 24/7 making Christmas perfect for everyone, while he sits around drinking champagne and watching telly.....bout time we had some reality on TV IMO

 

Waitrose: Heston seems to have given Delia a big tub of green tiddly winks in a warehouse somewhere? She doesn’t seem very pleased (well they never are, are they?)

 

Confused dot com: just confused plain and simple:confused:

 

Argos: An Invasion by an Alien family all busy with smartphones ordering everything online….oh well…might as well start by destroying the high street first before they take over the world

 

Woolworths: Oops!....maybe not:o

 

M&S: Knickers bit was good

 

Ah yes the Christmas TV adverts

　

D F S " Buy your new Christmas settee or your new table and chairs today and we will get it to you for Christmas !

That is before we have our 25th aniversary closing down sale ...Honest we really mean it,we are closing down this year ....

you will see,we mean it this time."

 

Every years the same, do they think we had such a good time on bonfire night ,that we stripped our homes of furniture

as to keep our bonfires burning ?

 

" Dad can we burn the settee as our bonfires going out ?" ...Not a problem son just tell your mum we will get a new one for

Christmas,after all it's only a few weeks away .I'm sure we can manage without one until then !:rolleyes:;):D

[kalos]

__________________

 

( Above statement for Turkeys,Geese,Chickens etc does not apply):D