South Beach Dieters Group Meet Here!

[adoptmom]

Yikes Nancy! I don't know what to say except that I'm sorry you're having to fight this battle. Heck I'm 5'6" and I promise that when I get to 148 I'll be sending up bottle rockets! I wanted to make sure of my numbers before I responded so I went into [url]http://www.self.com/health/body/calculators/idealweight[/url] and checked. The Ideal weight for a woman who is 5'6" is 130 pounds. You're at a very healthy weight.

Is it possible for you to drag your husband to the doctor's office with you? I'd call ahead of time and explain what is going on and see if the Dr. can't help you by informing him that you are at a reasonable and healthy body weight. I'm sure some doctors wouldn't want to get involved, but I know if it was me and my doctor talking to my husband she wouldn't hesitate to put a boot up his butt! :D I searched long and hard to find a great doctor and adore mine to death. Fortunately my husband was overweight during childhood so he can totally relate to what I'm going through.

My granddad was very critical of me for the longest time and I used to dread seeing him. I'd make excuses not to go which is sad because he is 88 1/2. I finally had enough one day and told him that I'd had enough of his crap and that his being critical stressed me out AND I WAS A STRESS EATER! I found out later that my mom and aunt laid into him after I left :D They reminded him of when I was first out of the hospital after crohn's and weighed 86 pounds. They were all so scared that I wouldn't live to see 25 let alone be healthy or chubby.

I still go every sunday after church for lunch. He keeps his mouth shut about my weight and if he is casting judgement about what I eat I choose to turn a blind eye to it because I'm an adult and I determine what I eat.

That said, I don't have to live with him. Boy, I dont' know. I have to say that I've learned over the years to not be very tolerant of that sort of daily garbage. I took it when I was younger but after going to work in the prison system for a while I learned to stand up for myself pretty quickly. The unfortunate side of that is that I tend to fire back first and ask questions later. :o

Do you have friends or other family for support? I think in anything in life your circle of support makes all the difference. And i've come to see that my circle changes with each new thing. Perhaps your husband is in your support circle for other things but with this, you need to look to other people. A counselor may be just thing thing you need, if nothing else, than for an objective view.

And if you want, I can come smack him around for you! :D When I worked at the detention facility I learned how to do a takedown without leaving bruises. :rolleyes:

Tami

[Petoonya]

Thanks so much for your long thoughtful response adoptmom!! Really appreciate all your kind supportive words. At this point I think I would love to have you just take him down! I am hurrying off to work but wanted to add a quick response.

Sadly my husband is a doctor- he knows I am at a healthy weight but likes me extra thin. I guess it's how he married me and what he thinks looks best. He is a very sweet and kind man- this is the one of very few complaints or difficulties we have ever had.

This morning I am thinking that I am at a point where a counselor is about all I have left. It's the "accept the things I cannot change" stuff (him), and change the things I can stuff (me). I have to make a choice here.

Can't tell you how great it is to be able to pour all this out- really centers my feelings- and your kind reply and personal story helps so very much! Thanks a million- I'll let you know where things go from here.

Love from nancy

[WeirdEyes]

Nancy, first of all, {{{HUG}}}. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I don't understand why your DH is like that, but in my opinion, he is the one that needs the counseling, not you. You are 5'6" and 115 lbs is WAY too thin for your height and age. My mom is 5'6" and weighs 140 and she looks fantastic. She got down to 120 and her doctor told her she was anorexic. I totally agree with you that what you DH is doing to you is very counter-productive. I know when I weighed over 200 lbs and my DH would "ride" me about working out, etc., I would just eat more and NOT exercise. I really believe that both of you need to go to counseling together to work out this issue. Your DH needs to see that you weighing 115 lbs at your age/height just isn't realistic. Remember, we are here to support you so anytime you're feeling burdened, come here. I'm really glad you're back to posting because I've missed you. Please let me know how you're doing today. :)

Hi Tami! Our zoo has the ZooBoo also. It is a lot of fun. My DS is 16 now though so he's not interested in that sort of thing. Have fun with your kids while they are young. I miss those times with my DS.

I've decided to go back on Phase 1 next Monday to try to get off these pounds that I've gained. Fall and Winter are very hard months for me to lose...or should I say Oct - Dec. because of the holidays. It always starts with my birthday and ends after the first of the year. I normally gain 10-15 lbs, but I'm not going to let myself do that this year.

[WeirdEyes]

Tami, we must have posted at the same time. LOL Your post brought back memories....my grandfather used to get on to me about my weight also. Every time I went to see him, I left depressed. I finally realized he was right and that's when I started a new life. So, I know what your grandfather says to you is upsetting, but he is doing it because he loves you. I know it doesn't help much though because it is counter-productive. Why is it that the ones we love always hurt us the most? I'm just glad you're healthy now and don't weigh 85 lbs.

[mellow]

Nancy, I cannot imagine what it must be like to feel like that in your own home - which should be your safest haven! And I agree with Shelia that DH is the one that needs a counselor :p. Seriously, I think you are probably right that you would look too thin at your age (I am assuming that if you have been married 30 years that you must be at least 50 or close to) and height (5'6") at 120 pounds. And that just makes one look older!! :eek:. I know that at 5'3" and 52 years old that there are some that think I look too thin at 119# and you have 3 inches on me. Heck (note my restraint in verbage), when you watch all those plastic surgery shows on today all the 40+ women are having fat injected in their cheeks with their face lifts to have a more "youthful" look!

But I do agree that after 30 years of this way of thinking and interacting, things are probably not going to change. So finding a way to build and maintain your self esteem IN SPITE of DH is a very healthy way to approach the problem. You do have the ability to know positively within yourself that you are looking good. Learning to love yourself is the most important gift any woman can give herself. Hang in there. :)

[WeirdEyes]

[QUOTE]But I do agree that after 30 years of this way of thinking and interacting, things are probably not going to change. So finding a way to build and maintain your self esteem IN SPITE of DH is a very healthy way to approach the problem. You do have the ability to know positively within yourself that you are looking good. Learning to love yourself is the most important gift any woman can give herself. Hang in there. [/QUOTE]
I totally agree with what you said, Linda!

[adoptmom]

Shelia, I know they grow up fast. My oldest is almost 9! :eek: Seems like next week we'll be packing her up to go to college. I'm so grateful to be able to stay home with them all day every day even though they drive me nuts on occasion. (Last week I was ready to pack oldest up for college early. She took great pleasure in telling my youngest daughter that when baby brother arrived we were going to be sending YD away. ACK! She also told my mom that she didn't want a baby brother because he was the reason she wasn't getting a horse. WHATEVER! She's not getting a horse because her dad doesn't want to get horses. Believe me I've been working on getting my own horse for almost 17 years with him. I'd better get one before she does! :D )

I know that my granddad means well but it's just the meanspiritedness of the whole thing. He does that in other instance to other people too. We have to watch him in public :rolleyes: I'm not sure whether my grandmother was just keeping him in check all these years or he's slipping since she has been gone. Some of both probably, but he definitely needs to keep his opinions to himself on many fronts.

My legs are killing me today. I'm having a hard time getting in my runs so yesterday's was hard. Plus I ran faster than before, especially on the last half mile. Today's iceskating lesson could be interesting. However, I ran the numbers yesterday and it burns about 700 calories an hour so I'm not missing it. That's almost as much as running but I can skate an hour. Can't run an hour yet.

I'd picked up a couple of pounds over the weekend so I started back on phase one for this week. I've already lost what I picked up but I really need to get moving again so I'm going to stay with it. I'm thinking I should probably stick to phase 1 until all the halloween candy is out of the house. :o I tend to eat more of it than the kids. I'm going to have them pick out their favorites and send the rest to work with my DH. I usually end up throwing all the halloween candy out at valentine's day anyway.

Tami

[mellow]

Tami, I always say that is one of the advantages of "empty nesting" (younger DD is in college) is there is not all the kid friendly food and snacks sitting the the pantry calling my name. I can wait until Holloween day to buy the candy and finish it up on the last of the trick or treaters (boy, you hit the jackpot if you show up at 7:59 at our house! :D).

[ColoradoJuli]

Nancy - I am so sorry to hear what is going on with you and DH. I do agree with the other girls that couseling might help. I'll admit that otherwise I am at a lose for words. I am 5'7" and know that I look my best around 145 lbs. Any less and I have difficulty function and anymore and I start looking pudgey. Hopefully you can come to an understanding with you DH before your cruise in December.

Tami - one of the best things about not having children and living in an all adult gated community is that we do not get trick or treaters so I never buy any candy. Works out rather well.

Cruious what others have done about TOM cravings. DH got some truffels the other day from a neighbor and I couldn't resist them last night. What do you do for the cravings? They only occur during TOM otherwise I am craving free. I also crave bad carbs.

[chris2597]

OMG my dh was this way for the first several years of our marriage. I am 5'8 and weighed 118 when we married..My dh is also one of the best people you would ever meet....great dh, provider, dad, friend....ect.but constant critism for whatever reason negates all the positves...I think it is a control issue....and has nothing to do with their preference...and screams passive agressive...I finally told my husband that he was the same as an abusive spouse..that my bruises just were not visible..(of course he didnt agree with me)...and that his in put and control over food issues were making matters worse, ruining my self esteem, and hurting my feelings......We had three children and I gained a bit of weight with each one until I weighed 145after the last child....We would have several discussions about it...most would hurt my feelings and send me straight to the snacks.....I think the more he gave the side ways glances at what I ate and commented the more I sabotaged my dieting efforts....When our last child was about 3 "I" decided to loose weight as my weight had gone even higher....and dropped back down to 134....I had to literally starve myself to stay that way.....I know he loved the way I looked....but became worried about my health after hearing several friends tell him that they were worried about my weight loss and that I look ill or anorexic.....I finally came to my senses and got back up to 145....I literally thought about food all of the time....what I could eat, how many fat grams it had....It was ridiculous. I had a hysterectomy two years ago gained 20 lbs which I am trying to loose now...I know he prefers me thinner but hasnt said anything other than that we both need to get on an excersise program ( he looks better than when I married him....so I know it was a nudge)...I told him I agreed but reminded him to LEAVE ME ALONE.....I have been doing SB for almost two weeks and have lost a bit and feel really good and successful. He has been out of town on business these last couple of weeks and has no idea I am doing SB....I dont plan on sharing it with him....as I know I would be in for a bit too much enthusiasm...
Your dh really should be ashamed of himself.....it sounds like your weight and height are in perfect proportion...We should all be so lucky..I think you should lay it on the line with him....and tell him enough is enough....you have a right to enjoy your life and he should appreciate how well you have kept your weight under control. Take Care Chris

[Petoonya]

Thank you SO much everyone! Can't tell you how all the kind and caring words, and words of wisdom have really helped. Got in from work a bit ago and coming home to you all is the sweetest gift. Your insight and experience is so precious.

I'm not at a point yet where I know just what I am going to do- it would be great to get him to a counselor. But I think I have to get myself in there first. What I think of me should not be dependent on what he thinks of me. He knows he is being a pill and feels badly about it. But the big thing I have come to realize in the last week is that he will NEVER change. He's 58- I'm 52. He's spent a lifetime thinking and looking at me as a big fat moo-er. If I am 115# there will be something else wrong. I either have to learn to live with the fact that he will always be unhappy with the way I look, or find some other way to live life.

There are so many people suffering in this world- this is a small thing in relation. I think we all have times in our lives where we get a shockeroo within our relaionships. Like everything else time will take care of this. Right now I still want to sock him in the face- even if he is a nice guy overall. The b#$*&@!

Thanks so very much- sorry to whine but man it helped so much to get your input. I just had THREE low carb bars.
:(
Love to you all! Nancy Moooooooooo!

[adoptmom]

just a quick post and then I'm off to bed. I'm taking my Indian American daughter to an American Indian museum tomorrow :D I dont know why that makes me laugh but it does. .... Ok, I do know what it makes me laugh. When we brought C's home from India we had to finalize here in the US. To do that in our county the DFC had to come out and do a homestudy. This lady was an MSW and we went round and round for 20 minutes. " What's her race?" "East Indian." "What tribe?" "No tribe, she's from India." "Well do you have written permission from the BIA or her tribe to adopt an indian?" NO WE DONT NEED IT SHE"S FROM INDIA! She kept going on and on and on even though we kept telling her that C's was indian NOT Native American. I finally gave up and when she asked about her tribe name again I told her BENGALI! ACK! :eek: Ok, I understand that some people out there would get confused but a social worker? With a masters in social work???

We ran into a similar issue when C's was in kindergarten. :D She came home fuming one day right before Thanksgiving because the teacher kept referring to Native Americans as Indians and the kids wanted C's to show them her feathers. The next week I went in and did a presentation on Diwali and India in hopes of straightening it out.

Walking tomorrow should be fun. I was already sore from the run but I really pushed it today in skating. My legs were wobbling by the time I got off the ice. Every time I climb stairs they scream.

Tami

[ColoradoJuli]

Tami - Keep up the good work you are doing great. I need to get back on the treadmill. I had a wart removed from my foot in August then as that was healing I stepped on a splinter that went straight into the ball of my foot. Had to have that cut out. It has been the past week that I have been able to really walk on my foot. Now I need to get back to exercise. Oh I hate that word!:eek:

[WeirdEyes]

Hi everybody! :D I finally got back to exercising last night and I could barely do 3 miles. Tonight is strength training and enjoy that so I should be okay. I still have a couple piece of cheesecake from my birthday AND a box of Godiva chocolate that I need to get rid of. I plan on starting back on Phase 1 after Halloween. Did I already mention that? It is hard to keep all of my posts straight.

Tami, that's a good story about Corina's kindergarten class and social worker. I know that it must be frustrating for you though. You handled it great also. I'm sure the kids and teacher learned a lot from you that day.

Nancy, please keep coming back here for support. You know we all care about you...even though we've never met in person. You can always vent to us or whatever you need to do. We'll listen and support you.

Chris, I'm glad your DH finally came to his senses and realizes that he needs to leave you alone about your weight. You are doing fine on your own. We're also here for you.

Juli, usually when I'm craving something sweet, I'll eat one Dove Dark Chocolate candy. It is allowed on Phase 2 in moderation and it really helps. I don't crave pasta, rice, etc. any longer though...just the sweets.

[nosnobunny]

[quote name='Petoonya']Really hoping that someone relates to this- have a feeling that this is very common.

My husband and I have been married for 30 years. I am 52-he's 58. He is a kind caring generally supportive man and we have few conflicts. EXCEPT when it comes to my weight- he is obsessed with it.

When we met I weighed 115# (I'm 5'6). Stayed around there until I turned 40 and since that my weight has steadily risen. For the last 10 years I have been up and down from 125 to a high of 148. These days when I am at 125 my friends say I am too thin. But 128-130 feels just about right to me.

Husband has always reminded me that my weight is extremely important to him with all those nice comments like, "you really don't need that" when I want to have dessert. Or bugging me to exercise- it's always fairly gentle criticism, but it's consistent- he MONITORS what I eat with a disapproving glance when I eat more than what he thinks is OK. When we cruise his comments are the harshest- we've gotten into some good ones a couple of times. The message is very clear- you are overweight in my eyes and I don't like it.

We had a knockdown this week after two cracks he made. I don't know if I even want to take our cruise in December anymore. The pressure of eating "the wrong thing in front of him" is making me nuts- the last several years when we cruise I let him know from the first day that I don't want any of his guidance- but THIS TIME I realize even if he doesn't comment he's still JUDGING me. I haven't eaten a meal with him in the last few days just because I feel very uncomfortable.

Have expressed to him very clearly how counterproductive his comments are and how they devastate self esteem. He feels badly about it but I don't see this ever changing. He's always been thin- will always be thin- and takes good care of himself. I understand that men have a much harder time overlooking physical defects (esp. fat) in women than we women do- he can't change the way he looks at me anymore than he can change the fact that he likes the color blue.

Now that I finally realize that even if he keeps his comments to himself, he still sees me as obese and unacceptable at 128#. I love him dearly but I know this will not change. He's got physical faults that I don't point out the so and so! But that doesn't occur to him.

This is one of the reasons women get anorexic- to fit into the society's and their partners ideal. I'm TOO OLD for this. I like being slender but I don't want to obsess about it. I could get to the ultra thin level he'd like, but I would not like it at all- and I would like him even less. I think time will cure this thing between us. I might even talk to a counselor to get some support.

This really bites! Thanks for listening.
Nancy

PS. Guess there is a subtle reason I chose a pig for my avatar- I too am convinced I'm a PIG. :([/QUOTE]

Nancy I'm sorry it's taken me this long to reply to your post. Oh this really hits home with me. I've been in the exact same situation several years ago. At one point my DH even threatened to leave me if I didn't lose weight. :eek: I don't think he was ever really serious, just blowing steam. One thing to keep in mind is that your DH's obsession has nothing to do with your weight. It's all about power and control. Your weight is the one thing he can't really control. It's a power struggle. You have to find your own solutions, but for me it was counselling. Now he knows what the real issues are. The weight thing was only smoke and mirrors. He's a control freak, simple as that. And he also knows now that my weight is my business. I won't take the little digs anymore. Life has settled down since and things are very good once again. Now he's the one who has to lose weight (under Dr's orders). So the shoe's on the other foot. :D

Beth

[WeirdEyes]

Great post, Beth!

Here's an e-mail I received from South Beach.............

'South Beach Diet Recommended' Kraft Products

While shopping at the grocery store, you'll likely run across Kraft products such as lean Oscar Mayer meats and Boca meat substitutes labeled with a circular blue button that reads "South Beach Diet™ Recommended." What does this button mean? As part of a new alliance between Kraft Foods and The South Beach Diet™, food items with the label meet the nutrition principles of The South Beach Diet™ and are therefore an acceptable part of the plan. On the back of each package, you'll also find information about which Phases of the diet the item fits into.


Having South Beach Diet™ recommended products available at grocery stores nationwide should help make the plan even simpler to follow—especially for those of us who are crunched for time. Of course, you can still eat other foods and brands that comply with the principles of the diet. Kraft has also developed the [i]South Beach Diet[/i]™ [i]Recipe Sampler[/i], a booklet containing a diet overview, coupons, and 45 recipes complete with color photographs. Look for it at your grocery store.

[ColoradoJuli]

Shelia - Thanks so much for the information. I have been using the Kraft low-carb salad dressing. The carbs in it are actually less than Newman's Own. I can't wait to the see the stuff in my grocery store! Does the SB website say anything about the low-carb ice creams that are out now? I have been eating the Bunny brand and losing weight. So I have assumed that it is alright.

I had forgotten about the Dove dark chocolate. I love those! And I am on Phase 2 so it is legal. Well...truth be known I am on Phase 1 1/2. I still haven't added any bread or fruit. I know that whole grain are alright, but I have just stayed completely away from it. I also know that certain fruits are alright, but I have never been a big fruit eater. I love salads and do my veggie well, I just need to improve on the amount of fruit that I eat.

I really ought to join the SB website. Could someone send me the link?

[WeirdEyes]

Juli, I completely understand about the fruit thing. I've never been a big fruit eater either. Also, I'm not a big vegetable eater, but I do drink V8. I eat the Blue Bunny ice cream bars that are no sugar added and very little fat. They are very good.Here's a link to the South Beach Diet web site: [url="http://www.southbeachdiet.com"]www.southbeachdiet.com[/url]. You don't have to actually join the web site to get the tips in an e-mail. That's what I did. :D

[bigby17]

Good Day every one,

I am now in Phase II, what snacks can I have ? I have heard something about nuts are they allowed in phase II ?:confused:

[chris2597]

I thought nuts were allowed during stage 1....yikes.... I sure hope so...I have been snacking on them daily.

[Petoonya]

Really is terrific to be back here. Learning so much wonderful stuff again.

Beth- thanks so much for your thoughtful words. I am thinking a lot about what you said about it being a control issue. I am sure you are right.

We talked again last nite for awhile and it is just amazing how an intelligent and generally kind man can be so darn crass! He told me that the idea of me being fat is a 'hot button' for him and he's not shy about telling me so. When I asked if repeating that to a therapist might be uncomfortable for him- that to me it sounded a bit shallow- he said absolutely not. And that he could not understand how this affects my self esteem negatively. (!)Thursday we march of to a therapist to discuss it.

I am a believer in what goes around comes around. I am CERTAIN that he will never struggle with weight issues, but life does have a way of biting you in the bum when you throw stones.

I am a little afraid of seeing the therapist- it's mortifying to have my weight control be the centerpiece. I am willing to be openminded but I am also hoping that he gets BLASTED.

Ya know I just looked in the mirror and I like what I see. I am really grateful to you all for your kindness. I feel so much better- there is no one who can understand and relate better than you ladies. Thanks SO very much!
With love, Nancy

[ColoradoJuli]

Nuts are fine in Phase 1 and phase 2. The book suggests only eating about 12 a day. I like to buy a big bag of almonds at Costco and then toast some. They are wonderful warm. Other snacks on Phase 2 are celery with low fat cream cheese or low carb peanut butter, sugar free jello (1 & 2), cheese sticks (1 & 2). In phase two I added the Bunny brand low carb ice cream. Not sure if it is legal, but I have still been losing weight. Apples (2) other fruits are legal, but I can not remember them all. Check the book. Dark chocolate (2). During phase 1 I liked to take the ricotta and mix it with non-fat cool whip. It made the desert a little fluffier and felt more decadent. I like to keep bell peppers cut up and grab them for a snack (1 & 2). Can't think of anything else right now, but will let you know more when I think of it. OH! Something that was really important to me was being able to drink wine again! (2) YEAH! I also have a cocktail in the evenings with a diet drink. Usually Diet Pepsi and Jack or rum. I have done all of the above and since August lost 30 pounds. You just need to remember to look at it as a way of eating and not a diet. You are going to eat this way for the rest of your life, so enjoy it and find 'legal' foods that you enjoy. The SB cookbook is really great. I learned how to make seared tuna steaks just like they do in fancy resturants! DH loves them.

[chris2597]

Thanks for the great hints.....I think I made a goof.....I have been eating the carb smart peanut butter (about a tablespoonful) with a few pieces of celery.for a snack.....I thought I read it was on the phase 1 list.....I will have to recheck that in the book....I bought some of the carb smart icecream tonight but will wait to indulge until next week....

Nancy, I think it is great that you took the step and made the appt with the therapist....Is the therapist a male or female? I am willing to bet the therapist is going to see right through your dh and tell him straight up that this has nothing to do with your weight....which sounds perfect but has everything to do with passive agressive and controlling behaviors. I think it is terrible for your dh to tell you that he can not understand how his words so adversely effect your self esteem......These are your feelings not his....and if it hurts you so....he should stop....Good luck with the therapy!!Chris

[adoptmom]

Hi all,

Everyone's talking about snacks so I thought I'd share what I'm eating right now. I can't eat nuts because they cause problems with my ileostomy and we can't do peanuts because of my youngest DD. I've come across some excellent substitutions for peanut butter by trying other nut butters. I like the soy nut butter, although it's a bit dry for eating without jelly. My personal favorites are a macadamia/cashew butter and roasted sunflower seed butter. We eat them rolled up on a low carb-corn free tortilla with some apple butter I made this year. My version of apple butter was to cook down some really sweet apples with a cinnamon stick and then freeze it, so basically it's unsweetened apple sauce. Sometimes I skip the apple butter and wrap in a few slices of apple or pear or celery instead.

Tami

[WeirdEyes]

[QUOTE]Ya know I just looked in the mirror and I like what I see. I am really grateful to you all for your kindness. I feel so much better- there is no one who can understand and relate better than you ladies. Thanks SO very much!
With love, Nancy[/QUOTE]
Nancy, if you like what you see that is fantastic! To hell with what your DH says. I'm so glad that both of you are going to a therapist. I have a friend that is seeing one and she says it is making her feel so much better. I'm sure the therapist will blast your DH also. Good luck and please post about how it goes. We are all worried about you.

The amount of nuts you can have a day depends on the nuts. You can have about 12 almonds, but 30 peanuts and cashews. Also, please check the fat content on the "Carb Smart" items. Some of them have more fat than they should. About peanut butter....I buy the Smuckers Natural. It is what is recommended by South Beach.

For snacks, I usually eat a Ricotta Creme, peanuts or cashews, and jell-o.

Good news! DH told me last night that he will go back on Phase 1 with me starting Monday. That is wonderful news because DH is usually the reason I cheat on the weekends. :D