Need advice~Fiance's ex won't let us have the kids for vacation!

[SunniLicious]

There are only two ways to make this worse: one is to egg on the children to pester their mother - what a terrible example of disrespect, while yourself using them as pawns in this "game". This is an issue among adults, so leave the kids out of it and deal with her yourselves. To vilify their mother to the children is to sink to a despicable level.

 

The other way to make this worse is to get in serious legal trouble if the terms of the divorce decree in regard to custody are violated. Many decrees do specify the children may not leave the country without joint permission if joint custody has been granted. Read the decree before deciding how to proceed. The cruise is not worth going to jail over.

 

The way to not worsen the situation is to use this as an opportunity to model for these children how to handle difficult situations with grace.

[beachbrat]

I know this may be a little sneaky and maybe even immoral to some....could you get a passport renewal (close to the sailing date) for a "misplaced" passport? I believe the agency will issue a new passport very quickly if you show the travel docs.

 

Don't tell the ex about future trips....just surprise the kids.

[lsycko1]

My brother has taken his daughter on four cruises and has never been asked for anything other than her BC or PP.

[johnjen]

Yes the papers say that we get them one week in the summer for vacation but she still refuses to let them go. The have tried talking to her about it but she really doesn't care what they think. She is actually not speaking to them at the moment because they want to go.

 

The divorce was final in 1995! She has had time to get over it!

 

Not trying to be nasty or anything but she sounds like a beeyotch to me. :mad: She knows it's going to ruin the trip, so she's deliberately being vindictive.

 

Similar to our story - I got orders to Iceland when I was in the navy. My stepdaughter's sperm donor dad suddenly decided he didn't want her to go (even though DW had full custody) and put up a battle over it. This was years ago, and was mostly driven by his new wife, who was deeply vindictive.

[ryanpatricksmom]

There are only two ways to make this worse: one is to egg on the children to pester their mother - what a terrible example of disrespect, while yourself using them as pawns in this "game". This is an issue among adults, so leave the kids out of it and deal with her yourselves. To vilify their mother to the children is to sink to a despicable level.

 

The other way to make this worse is to get in serious legal trouble if the terms of the divorce decree in regard to custody are violated. Many decrees do specify the children may not leave the country without joint permission if joint custody has been granted. Read the decree before deciding how to proceed. The cruise is not worth going to jail over.

 

The way to not worsen the situation is to use this as an opportunity to model for these children how to handle difficult situations with grace.

 

 

Agree 100%

 

I deal with a difficult, bitter "ex" every day of my life. I initially did my best to schedule vacations that included my stepchildren. Without fail, attempts were made to control, interfere with, and otherwise make those attempts as difficult as possible. Rather than continue in an on-going battle, I decided to back away. Sadly for the kids, that's meant that they don't go on real vacations with us...but rather long weekends to destinations that don't require her cooperation. I refused to engage in a battle of wills, nor would I involve the kids in her pettiness. My husband and I take lovely vacations alone and without guilt.

[woodey]

Use their birth certificates instead? :confused: It is beyond me why some "parents" use their children as pawns and as a form of control in situations like this... it hurts the kids more than their ultimate goal. Not implying that is what she is doing, but come on... the kids are 15 and 17. I wish you the best of luck... and hope she comes to her senses.

I dont think this is good advice....Taking the Kids out of Country could be cause for legal action...then you will have to hire that Attorney....Work out a deal and good luck to you

[happycruiser1942]

We have a court order that says we can take them on one week of vacation every summer. We have never needed her permission before and should be able to plan what we want as a family vacation with out her input.

 

BOTH parents have to sign for passports which my fiance did at her request 2 yrs ago so the oldest could go to France.

 

She does not have an issue with it being a cruise just a family vacation for us. She just wants to ruin that vacation for us, we are still going to go even if his kids are not able to go.

 

We have tried calling her live in boyfriend for his help but he said "you know how she is and how nasty she can be so I would rather stay out of it" Thats tells us exactly what we are dealing with!

[babyher]

Although I am really sorry for the predicament of the OP and jhope this can be settled and the kids can go.

 

This thread has been so interesting....I see parts of my story in almost every post here.

 

My 2 cents to the OP . Take the high road . let the ex be as rotten as she wants to be , just keep loving them and being there for the kids.

 

She will eventually slit her own throat (if not literally *LOL*) then by losing out on a good relationship with her kids once they get to be adults.

 

When a child is s child he has to go along with the parents wishes no matter how crazy they are because he's a kid and has to.

 

Once they are grown and out on their own, they don't NEED you and if you are close it's because you have always been close. Kids know who treat them well and who is really good to them and they respond to that.

 

Like I said my oldest is 21 and my current wife and him have a ball together . My son and his mom, just the barest ofa relationship. he doesn't hate her but he has know since he was little that he was never her main priority in life, so he really doesn't make her one in his.

 

I do wish the OP a lot of luck

[JO-TRAVEL ALOT]

I have taken my two sons on 4 cruises now. I always have a letter signed by there dad giving his permission for them to cruise. I have never been asked to show this to anyone and I cruise with the boys alone. I take it just in case. I also have a difficult ex. He signs the letter for me then posts comments on facebook about having to go to work so everyone else can have fun. My husband and I just laugh. It boils down to this they are just jealous! My ex needs to quit getting married and having kids and maybe someday he too could afford a cruise vacation.

[Seattlecruisers98021]

There are only two ways to make this worse: one is to egg on the children to pester their mother - what a terrible example of disrespect, while yourself using them as pawns in this "game". This is an issue among adults, so leave the kids out of it and deal with her yourselves. To vilify their mother to the children is to sink to a despicable level.

 

The other way to make this worse is to get in serious legal trouble if the terms of the divorce decree in regard to custody are violated. Many decrees do specify the children may not leave the country without joint permission if joint custody has been granted. Read the decree before deciding how to proceed. The cruise is not worth going to jail over.

 

The way to not worsen the situation is to use this as an opportunity to model for these children how to handle difficult situations with grace.

 

I agree that egging them on to pester their mother isn't a healthy solution.

 

However IMHO, at 15 and 17, it's not simply a matter between adults. They are of an age in which they can speak for themselves and have a right to understand why their mother is against it and if they disagree to say so. Negotiation is a life skill that we first learn at home.

 

And their mothers apparent lack of grace may need to be brought to light.

[babyher]

I have taken my two sons on 4 cruises now. I always have a letter signed by there dad giving his permission for them to cruise. I have never been asked to show this to anyone and I cruise with the boys alone. I take it just in case. I also have a difficult ex. He signs the letter for me then posts comments on facebook about having to go to work so everyone else can have fun. My husband and I just laugh. It boils down to this they are just jealous! My ex needs to quit getting married and having kids and maybe someday he too could afford a cruise vacation.

 

 

Boy have I got a girl for your ex husband *LOL*

[LemurCat]

I know this may be a little sneaky and maybe even immoral to some....could you get a passport renewal (close to the sailing date) for a "misplaced" passport? I believe the agency will issue a new passport very quickly if you show the travel docs.

 

Don't tell the ex about future trips....just surprise the kids.

 

Immoral? Try illegal.

 

And you'd still need both spouses to sign off on the paper work. :rolleyes:

 

Posts like this are exactly why the internet can be a vast, alkaloid wasteland of bad advice.

[cawagner]

I don't have any experience in this, but I got to thinking....

 

If you have to end up going without the 2 kids :(, what if the ex turns around and says "Well, its still "your week/weekend" to have the kids.... Tries to drop them off at your house when your either gone or about ready to leave for the cruise (her knowing this but being vendictive) and then claim your not taking responsibility of your kids because you wont take them on your "designated" visitation?

[LemurCat]

We have a court order that says we can take them on one week of vacation every summer. We have never needed her permission before and should be able to plan what we want as a family vacation with out her input.

 

BOTH parents have to sign for passports which my fiance did at her request 2 yrs ago so the oldest could go to France.

 

She does not have an issue with it being a cruise just a family vacation for us. She just wants to ruin that vacation for us, we are still going to go even if his kids are not able to go.

 

We have tried calling her live in boyfriend for his help but he said "you know how she is and how nasty she can be so I would rather stay out of it" Thats tells us exactly what we are dealing with!

 

Lawyer up. Get yourself a court date and hopefully a court order not only for you guys to go on your cruise *but* also for the kids to retain possession of their passports. A good Family Law attorney will get this straightened out in a jiffy.

[azpilot]

Oh this brings back memories.. many moons ago I went through something similar a few times, the first time went to court and every time after I just said the heck with it and left the kid with the mom and her explaining why she wouldn't let her go.. (that worked the best IMO) she really doesn't talk much any more to mom! LOL

[happycruiser1942]

UPDATE:

Just spoke to the attorney we used in 2008 to get family vacation time. He said it should not be a problem to file a paper with the court for our vacation. He said she does not have any right to limit where we take the kids because she requested that no limit be put on where she takes them for vacation. (Which by the way she has never taken them on vacation, uses her vacation time for work to spend bike week with boyfriend) She is the one who requested passports to be purchased and with going to the Bahamas it is not out of the county. So he is going to write up all paper work and file with the court in the next day or so. Can't believe we actually have to go thru this but not surprised at all!

[LemurCat]

UPDATE:

Just spoke to the attorney we used in 2008 to get family vacation time. He said it should not be a problem to file a paper with the court for our vacation. He said she does not have any right to limit where we take the kids because she requested that no limit be put on where she takes them for vacation. (Which by the way she has never taken them on vacation, uses her vacation time for work to spend bike week with boyfriend) She is the one who requested passports to be purchased and with going to the Bahamas it is not out of the county. So he is going to write up all paper work and file with the court in the next day or so. Can't believe we actually have to go thru this but not surprised at all!

 

Good luck!

[MrCo9]

I'm not sure how any mother could deny their kids such an opportunity.

Probably because she may not be able to afford it. Maybe if they invited her along. How much could a 1a on this sailing be?? :D:D:D

[cawagner]

UPDATE:

Just spoke to the attorney we used in 2008 to get family vacation time. He said it should not be a problem to file a paper with the court for our vacation. He said she does not have any right to limit where we take the kids because she requested that no limit be put on where she takes them for vacation. (Which by the way she has never taken them on vacation, uses her vacation time for work to spend bike week with boyfriend) She is the one who requested passports to be purchased and with going to the Bahamas it is not out of the county. So he is going to write up all paper work and file with the court in the next day or so. Can't believe we actually have to go thru this but not surprised at all!

 

I hope everything works out and you ALL have a nice vacation :)

[LemurCat]

Probably because she may not be able to afford it. Maybe if they invited her along. How much could a 1a on this sailing be?? :D:D:D

 

I'm gonna go with "She's freakin' crazy". Seems to be the best explanation for so many of these situations.

[ISurfTooMuch]

I don't have any experience in this, but I got to thinking....

 

If you have to end up going without the 2 kids :(, what if the ex turns around and says "Well, its still "your week/weekend" to have the kids.... Tries to drop them off at your house when your either gone or about ready to leave for the cruise (her knowing this but being vendictive) and then claim your not taking responsibility of your kids because you wont take them on your "designated" visitation?

Not sure how that would play out, since she knows they'll be gone, but sending a letter, sent registered mail, return receipt requested, stating that they will be unavailable during the normal visitation period ought to cover that. The letter could offer her the choice of working out, with mutual agreement, a different week or just canceling that week of visitation on a one-time basis.

 

If she still chooses to drop the kids off when no one is home, that would be considered child abandonment on her part, and that's a serious thing.

[shipty2]

It sounds like the ex is trying to be mean for meanness sake. However it would have been prudent to get her ok prior to booking a cruise taking her children out of the country.

[DocF]

You can get every kind of advice in the world here. This advice is useless in your situation. The fact that you have a bit of time makes this a doable thing if you really want it. Get to an attorney who is in the child custody business and get this settled.

 

It is unfortunate that kids are often pawns in games played to hurt an ex-spouse.

 

Doc

[Newfun4me]

Good luck with this. I might have missed it, but do the custody papers stipulate that you cannot take them out of the country? Do the papers specifically state that the mom must give permission? Just curious..

[denred4]

I was just talking to my daughter about this. 10 years ago, we had planned a cruise for our family, and planned it on "my weekend with the girls" We got an upgrade to a better cruise, and it fell on "his weekend" He said no, he wasn't going to switch weekends with me. I told him, "that's fine, my husband and are going with our boys. You will have to tell the girls that they cannot go, and you will have to take them for the week." They came on the vacation with us! Call her bluff!! good luck!