LIVE from the Maasdam with tomc

[tomc]

Well, this is promising to be an evening to remember. The LGBT (gays) and the Evengelical Christian Mens Bible Study groups got assigned to the same function room for 9pm. I'd tell you more, but it will probably be on the front page of tomorrow's newspaper.

 

The sun came out! Some tween even took pictures of it against a fog-shrouded mountain. People were sitting in window seats, back to it, warming up. I heard someone shout, "The sun's out!" (All of this, really.) People are dancing conga lines on the Sports Deck. (Not really.) Rejoicing fills the ship. Then, a half-hour later, it set.

 

Guy at the next table said something about not being able to sleep at night. Not sure the context, but I could invent a conversation:

Guy: "I can't sleep here."

Chick: "I can sleep anywhere."

tomc, under his breath: "So I've heard."

 

We let off a lot of trash at Sydney. A forklift came into the ship to off-load it. Minutes later, some of the dock crew were looking through it. Dumpster-divers or instant recyclers? You judge.

 

It was comfort food night. I had "Grandma's Chicken Soup" and lasagna. Every so often you have to skip the Whatever du Jour with Thingy Sauce and get the Blue Plate Special.

 

The religious services were announced with a finger-snapping rap beat by the cruise director:

"All you Cats and Prots as well

Bound for heaven, there to dwell,

We've got a priest

Who will at least

Keep your butt from going to hell."

 

At least, that's what I think he said.

 

Some one just excitedly came into the computer room and shouted to a friend, "The sun is setting on the other side." I guess I better check it out.

 

This post came to you Live From The Maasdam.

[kazu]

Well, this is promising to be an evening to remember. The LGBT (gays) and the Evengelical Christian Mens Bible Study groups got assigned to the same function room for 9pm. I'd tell you more, but it will probably be on the front page of tomorrow's newspaper.

 

The sun came out! Some tween even took pictures of it against a fog-shrouded mountain. People were sitting in window seats, back to it, warming up. I heard someone shout, "The sun's out!" (All of this, really.) People are dancing conga lines on the Sports Deck. (Not really.) Rejoicing fills the ship. Then, a half-hour later, it set.

 

Guy at the next table said something about not being able to sleep at night. Not sure the context, but I could invent a conversation:

Guy: "I can't sleep here."

Chick: "I can sleep anywhere."

tomc, under his breath: "So I've heard."

 

We let off a lot of trash at Sydney. A forklift came into the ship to off-load it. Minutes later, some of the dock crew were looking through it. Dumpster-divers or instant recyclers? You judge.

 

It was comfort food night. I had "Grandma's Chicken Soup" and lasagna. Every so often you have to skip the Whatever du Jour with Thingy Sauce and get the Blue Plate Special.

 

The religious services were announced with a finger-snapping rap beat by the cruise director:

"All you Cats and Prots as well

Bound for heaven, there to dwell,

We've got a priest

Who will at least

Keep your butt from going to hell."

 

At least, that's what I think he said.

 

Some one just excitedly came into the computer room and shouted to a friend, "The sun is setting on the other side." I guess I better check it out.

 

This post came to you Live From The Maasdam.

 

OMG I am still Laughing. You are so good. I will NEVER attempt a live thread again - I can't live up to what you do:)

 

You are amazing TomC - on a serious note - do you like the ship since the dry dock (I'm nearly scared to see the answer and try to read between the lines ;))

 

Absoutely fantastic posts. thank you:)

[innlady1]

Tom....as usual, loving your "live from!" Yours are THE BEST!!! Glad you met Carol.....I knew she'd find you!

[Himself]

Here's the news from Sydney NS.

 

The chaplain is a real nice guy. Before Mass, he mentioned he had done some radio, so naturally I had to find out where. Turns out it was for the Diocese of Boston and he wasn't a dj. So I told him about my activities and we had supper together. Being radio people, you can be sure we didn't talk about Jesus, Mary and the joys of heaven.

 

The dining room staff was all over the chaplain, more so than on other trips I've taken. He ordered Eggs Benedict and they brought him Eggs Benedict XVI.

 

Sydney ... what can you say about Sydney that hasn't been said before on the stub of a welfare check? The local cruise line association has a sign in town that reads: "Be nice to us ... we're your future." Actually, that's more true than it is a joke, as they see us as a big part of their continuance. There is no sign, but it's a reality in their thinking.

 

I had breakfast this morning next to a guy whose dining manners were, mildly, not the kind you would expect on HAL. Somewhat this side of disgusting and I nearly left the table over it. But when I turned to say something, I realized I was looking into a mirror. Gotta do something about that.

 

If I didn't mention it before, FRED the free Halifax bus, doesn't start until July 3 and may not run anymore (at least next year). There is a pay bus in its place.

 

Free laundry for 4-star Mariners is a crock of barnyard waste. It's fine for the verandah people, but for us insiders they send up someone from the laundry room. He washes your clothes in the sink, then stretches a line back and forth through the cabin and hangs up the clothes to dry. He leaves a fan in the open doorway, smiles and says, "I see you next time." No he won't.

 

I will say this for us 4-star Mariners: They get one of the cute female attendants; she tucks you in and reads you a bedtime story. I can only imagine what the 5-star Mariners get and I ain't gonna ask.

 

INNLADY: I did meet Mamaofami. Funny thing: You don't quite get her pronounced New Rochelle NY accent when she types a message.

 

FANNISH: I always book single-share, but don't always mention it. About half the time I luck out; the other half, the guy with me complains to the Guest Relations Manager about the idiot he's sharing the cabin with.

 

BOULDERS: Smoking in one of the lounges. I don't know; I'll keep an eye out and check back later. The only smoke I saw was when the ship caught fire and someone called 9-1-1. The operator said, "What do you want us to do? Put the trucks on boat and sail out to you?" It turned out to be the salmon roast by the pool. We found the guy who called and brought him to the rail; he yelled, "It says 'Nothing Overboard,'" and we replied, "There's always a first time."

 

This post came to you Live From The Maasdam.

 

Tom: you had more in common with the Chaplain than just radio work. Liked your pun on Eggs Benedict XVI. Keep the humerous posts coming--I love it.

 

HIMSELF

Live from St. Joseph's rectory in Manhattan, IL.

[cruisin crazy in Michigan]

You're so darn funny!

 

We were on the Maasdam March 28th (the last cruise before dry-dock) and fell in love with the ship. I'm looking forward to reading more!

[tomc]

I was watching the action in the Piano Bar area, now that it's been changed around significantly. It's no longer a private little spot, an enclave for the in-crowd, but out where the sports place used to be in a much larger location. When the piano man is not working, there is another entertainer who strums and sings along. There still are tv sets for the sports-minded, but it's no longer a whiskey-and-sports location.

 

Of course, the main reason for both previous sites was (spoiler alert) to sell alcohol. That's the reason any given locale exists on cruise ships. With the previous piano bar, I noticed it just wasn't working that well; now it seems like a really good way to lubricate the "little red lane," as my mother used to call our esophagus. Perry Grant may have had his following, but the cash wasn't flowing that well.

 

The Canaletto waiters have, no joke, all Italian names on their tags. I asked one of them and he said it's an Italian restaurant, so they all become Italians for the evening. I showed them some Italian hand signs, but warned them not to use them in the presence of any Italians in the restaurant, as they were all offensive.

 

While I was spending too much money online in the Explorers' online cash machine (internet -- I'm in the free area at Charlottetown now), I noticed the Explorers' Bar telephone rings dit-dit-dit-dit, dit-dit. Four dots, two dots. Any ham operators out there will recognize this not only as the letters "h" and "i," but also how we laugh in Morse Code. Just in case you wondered. The young lady behind the counter was very unimpressed when I told her.

 

The morning NY Times is no longer delivered to our cabins, but is available daily at the entrance to the restaurants and the Internet Cafe (see: Online Cash Machine, above). I suspected the reason, which was confirmed at the Front Office: too many people were not reading it and it was a waste of paper. There are plenty of copies around for those of us who do.

 

On coming back from the Mall in C'town a few minutes ago, I passed a women who muttered, "brrrrr; winter." Well, it *is* a bit windy and brisk, but nothing more than that. I wanted to ask what part of the South she is from, but discretion and the threat of possible pepper spray (Tabasco, if she is from Southern Louisiana) kept my trap shut.

 

This post is coming to you Live From The Maasdam.

[kazu]

On coming back from the Mall in C'town a few minutes ago, I passed a women who muttered, "brrrrr; winter." Well, it *is* a bit windy and brisk, but nothing more than that. I wanted to ask what part of the South she is from, but discretion and the threat of possible pepper spray (Tabasco, if she is from Southern Louisiana) kept my trap shut.

 

This post is coming to you Live From The Maasdam.

 

The word on the boards is that Lysol is about to become the spray of choice;)

 

Thanks for the great post TomC:)

[Lexi731]

I am soooo enjoying your "live from" posts. Look forward to meeting you next week!

 

The poll from the roll call for next week is 50/50 about where the ? is in the middle of your cruise. We are all just going to rely upon you to make sure the Capt makes a good decision and doesn't take out the bridge trying to get to Montreal to pick us up :D!

 

Karen

[innlady1]

I don't think you can go wrong with either Montreal or Quebec...pros and cons either way...in any case, ENJOY!

[tomc]

The Captain's daily announcements concern only the weather in Quebec City and nothing at all about the bridge and our chances of squeezing under it. Someone said he will make that decision when we get there. I assume that means *before* we try to sail under it and not when we hear grinding sounds with pieces of metal falling onto the deck. I'll let you know.

 

I found some things it's best not to do. Don't throw a Tootsie Roll into the Jacuzzi. It looks like fun bobbing to the surface every so often, but invariably someone is in there when it happens and they get sick. Also, never sneak into the CDs office when nobody's there and announce over the PA system "There are a bunch of whales off the starboard side. Everybody rush over there right now." Not a good idea.

 

My VISA got flagged for fraudulent use and when I called them it turned out to be someone booked a cruise to Canada and made some purchases while there. I said that was me and I've done this every year without a problem, could you please unblock it. So after two phone calls, they finally did. Now I have to contact a merchant in Sydney on the down trip to explain what happened so he doesn't think I stiffed him.

 

This post came to you Live From The Maasdam.

[kazu]

Still laughing. you are sooooooooooooo good TomC:D I hope they decide whether to go to Montreal or Quebec before you hear the crunch:eek: of metal. Keep having a good time as I am pretty sure you are:)

[RetiredMustang]

...The Canaletto waiters have, no joke, all Italian names on their tags. I asked one of them and he said it's an Italian restaurant, so they all become Italians for the evening. I showed them some Italian hand signs, but warned them not to use them in the presence of any Italians in the restaurant, as they were all offensive...quote]

 

Your posts are always fun to read, but this one made me howl! Having lived in Naples (Italy, not Florida) for years, I can visualize exactly the hand signs you showed them.

 

(Note to self, don't "Hook 'em 'Horns" in the presence of tomc).

 

Dave

[Himself]

Your wit gets keener with every post. Keep up the good work and keep the humerous posts coming to us.

[fann1sh]

Since there seem to be a lot of "not fun" hot threads, I'm especially grateful for the laughs.

 

Tittered reading the paragraph about Italian hand signs, as well as Retired Mustang's reply!

 

 

Your wit gets keener with every post. Keep up the good work and keep the humerous posts coming to us.

 

Glad they hit you on your funny bone, too.

[hpf]

Tomc what a refreshing thread to read. I'll be watching and waiting for more.Thanks for your posting's.

Helen

[tomc]

We are traveling up the St Lawrence down, or down the St Lawrence up. Check your map to see what I mean. At any rate, we are headed from PEI to Quebec City. I unsuccesfully tried to convince my supper mates that each time we go under the Confederation Bridge we scrape some cement from under it. As luck would have it, there was a small fishing boat there and I said, "That's the boat which catches the cement." Their response was, "Yeah, sure."

 

At breakfast, I noticed the croissants (cra-sants to some, qua-sons to the cultured elite) seem to be noticeably smaller. You can, of course, get two if desired. I rather suspect the Powers That Be noticed people were leaving parts of them behind and just shrunk it down.

 

I notice on the Eurodam thread about the Code Puke that has taken over the ship. Not so here; we are just sailing along having a jolly old time. If you read the E'dam postings, you will see some real interesting stuff. Like:

-Half the ship is worshipping the porcelain god.

-People can't lose it fast enough through their mouth and it's coming out their ears.

-The chaplain is on deck, like the Titanic, ministering to throngs of people.

-Down below, the crew is sewing sacks with bricks in them.

-The chaplain is intoning, "Inasmuch as it hath pleased God..."

-Then you hear "sploooosh."

 

We had the Grand Insulin-Shot Chocolate Pig-Out Extravaganza last night. The ice carvings had colored strobe lights in them; some of the drinks had a base with some sort of strobe effect and there were other strobes around. An absolutely stunning way to present a HAL tradition. And an absolutely horrid way to keep us people with epilepsy from taking part in the event. Oh, well; I really didn't need all those calories.

 

This post came to you Live From The Maasdam.

[fann1sh]

 

I notice on the Eurodam thread about the Code Puke that has taken over the ship.

 

Tom, you have created a new catch phrase.

 

I expect it will become standard usage here on the HAL board. :D

[mamaofami]

We're going to Montreal. Captain Draper announced it at the Mariner Brunch. He and Cess Tessler will be on board for the next few cruises.

We got our first medallion for 100 days at sea.

 

 

[tomc]

Mama got quite a hand as she went up for her medallion.

 

I was looking around for the elusive Deck 13 today. One of the most advanced countries in the world, a country where too many people put down religion as a superstition ... and we can't have a Deck 13. Goes from 12 to 14.

 

I was chatting with the Internet Manageress about the roundtrip people. At one time, it was only six; she tells me now it can be a hundred.

 

Waiters passed out tiles at the Mariners' Brunch today. I immediately hid mine with the hope one of them would see I was missed, but it didn't work. It did one time and I got two.

 

The ship is going fairly slow up the river -- 16 knots. HAL hq must be happy over that. They'd be happier with a following wind and a full set of sails.

 

Met someone who cruises about 36 times a year, roughly 270 days. "I just stay on the ship," he said. "I'm not surprised," I replied. "After all, you *are* a main dining room waiter."

 

Park West is not having art sales here this year. Maybe they weren't last year, either. Perhaps it's because someone really important bought an original Degas for $1,000 and found their neighbor picked up the exact same thing at K-Mart for $7.95.

 

Many of you are probably aware that the Maasdam "parks" in the St Lawrence for several hours overnight to avoid dockage charges in Quebec City. If you are out on deck, you will notice the ship barely keeps up headway until it's time to head off for the city. A smart move. Well, there is an even smarter move now: the do the "parking" much earlier in the evening around Tadoussac and a Diamonds International boat comes alongside. It holds about 100 passengers, who enter through the usual tender hatchway. I figured there had to be a way for the DI folks to turn a dime or two while the ship is waiting. Wait till Park West finds out about this. <j>

 

This post came to you Live From The Maasdam.

[pizzalady1]

We're going to Montreal. Captain Draper announced it at the Mariner Brunch.

 

Congrats--your cruise is the first to make it all the way! What a shame however, that you will miss out on the early early early morning wakeup and bus ride.:)

[innlady1]

We're going to Montreal. Captain Draper announced it at the Mariner Brunch. He and Cess Tessler will be on board for the next few cruises.

We got our first medallion for 100 days at sea.

 

 

I haven't been keeping up....is that a good or a bad thing? Montreal???

Who's Cess Tessler?

 

Congratulations on the medallion! I wonder if we'll get ours on the Veendam? I'd rather wait til we aboard the Maasdam in January...LOL!

TomC...your posts are the BESTEST! ;)

[ger_77]

I notice on the Eurodam thread about the Code Puke that has taken over the ship.

-The chaplain is on deck, like the Titanic, ministering to throngs of people.

 

OMG, I am so glad I swallowed my wine before opening up this thread - I just laughed out loud at the "Code Puke". Honestly, it just tickled my funny bone right to the marrow to read that. And then as I was reading I thought you said the chaplain was ministering to the "thongs of people" - I envisioned him praying, hands held together in reverence, head bowed over the his and her thongs left behind on deck. Another fit of laughter ensued. All without the help of the strobe lights from the choco-holic buffet.

 

Thanks for keeping us all entertained in your own special way.

 

Smooth Sailing! :):):)

[tomc]

If I have this right ... I am not happy:

 

Some waiters in the Lido and MDR were explaining the comments card system to us (1 is bad, 9 is best). So far, so good. But they kept telling us about giving 9's and even went to the point of urging us to give them a 9 to help boost their careers with the company. In one dining locale, I had a hard time shutting them up and will mention it on the comment card. I finally said, "That's right, you're #1 with me!" and kept repeating it. I might have to get more direct tomorrow.

 

In Quebec, if luck holds, we will go UNDER a bridge and OVER a bridge at the same time. That cantelever span at the middle of the bridge fell in when it was being consructed and still lies many feet down.

 

All goes well and this post came to you Live From The Maasdam.

[ironin]

If I have this right ... I am not happy:

 

Some waiters in the Lido and MDR were explaining the comments card system to us (1 is bad, 9 is best). So far, so good. But they kept telling us about giving 9's and even went to the point of urging us to give them a 9 to help boost their careers with the company. In one dining locale, I had a hard time shutting them up and will mention it on the comment card. I finally said, "That's right, you're #1 with me!" and kept repeating it. I might have to get more direct tomorrow.

 

Wow, Tom! That would be irritating, I agree. The closest I've come to that was on our last cruise when I asked a helpful Lido waiter how to pronounce his name and he handed me a tiny bit of paper with his name on it in case I wanted to write something about him on our survey.

[kazu]

If I have this right ... I am not happy:

 

Some waiters in the Lido and MDR were explaining the comments card system to us (1 is bad, 9 is best). So far, so good. But they kept telling us about giving 9's and even went to the point of urging us to give them a 9 to help boost their careers with the company. In one dining locale, I had a hard time shutting them up and will mention it on the comment card. I finally said, "That's right, you're #1 with me!" and kept repeating it. I might have to get more direct tomorrow.

 

In Quebec, if luck holds, we will go UNDER a bridge and OVER a bridge at the same time. That cantelever span at the middle of the bridge fell in when it was being consructed and still lies many feet down.

 

All goes well and this post came to you Live From The Maasdam.

 

go for it Tom - that's just not right.

 

Still laughing at the rest of your posts. So well done and so entertaining - you have to be one of the best reads.

 

delighted you are doing Montreal - should be a great 'river' cruise.

 

Have a great time and thanks again:)