Should I have done it?

[cruiserguy11]

Once upon a time we were booked on a cruise out of San Juan. We arrived a couple of days early since we love Puerto Rico (this was our second trip) and planned to do some sightseeing around the island on this second trip.

 

On our first wake up morning of this trip we went to a local McDonald's for breakfast. All was normal, we ordered, received our tray of food and found a table.

 

I was able to see periphally a young thin mother and her daughter eating their breakfast. The daughter seemed like a normal happy young girl, approximately 6 to 8 years old, and the mother was around 25 to 28 or so. They were chatting during the meal, and this chatting was mainly done by the daughter.

 

I happened to notice the mother was, in between sentences of their conversation, darting quick glances at the remaining fries on their communal plate. And when the daughter was talking, the mother would take a fry off the plate and eat it. After a few minutes of clandestinely watching, I realized the mother was only sneaking fries when she could, without the daughter noticing.

 

Once I realized what was happening ... the mother was hungry but was allowing her young daughter to eat the majority of the food, I found I had a hard time eating my own food.

 

I'm not a bleeding heart liberal but this scene still bothers me today. I knew I'd blow a bunch of money in the casino/bars on the cruise so the money aspect didn't bother me, but I was torn between walking over and putting some money on their table or risking insulting the mother in front of her daughter.

 

I don't even know why I'm telling everyone about this ... other than guilt after all these years. (Probably eight years or so.)

 

As I said, I'm still torn by what I witnessed, and I'm still leaning towards the "drop some money on their table" move. But I didn't and I still wonder if I should have.

[MsSoloTravel]

I can empathize with you. I've had several "woulda, coulda, shoulda" type moments that haunt me. I wouldn't have dropped money on the table either for the same reason you mentioned. I think some better alternatives to that would be, 1) Walk up and say "I think you dropped this," while offering money, or 2) ordering a some food and then offering it by saying you got too much and don't want it to go to waste. The mother would know but not the girl.

Either way, don't beat yourself up bc we all have been there. I'm sure you have countless stories of good deeds. Forgive yourself and let this go.

Best wishes to you.

[k2excursion]

I echo everything MsSoloTravel said. We've all been there, and it seems like we can never come up with those kinds of suggestions like MsSoloTravel gave when we're on the spot. We always think of those things long afterwards. At least you've got some ideas, in case you run into similar situations in the future. Another thing that could be done is to ask your waiter if you could pay their check (and tip) for them, and ask the waiter to just tell them that they had won a free meal or something like that.

[CatzNCruisesCA]

Don't feel guilty. We do our best to help others but sometimes we are stuck in a situation where we can't/don't know how to. I felt the same way while I was in Jamaica. The level of poverty was so high, I wanted to do SOMETHING. But wasn't sure how to do it without insulting people. Maybe the next time you come across this scenario, order food and have them deliver it to the table. Instruct the server to say that it is from an anonymous person with the message of "Have a good day" or something like that?

 

As Ms. Solo Travel said, don't be too hard on yourself. You're a good person for even considering it. Most people would walk by without taking a second glance...

[kmrnclrk]

I think an even harder scenario would have been seeing that situation, but at multiple tables. And you know you could only afford to help one or two tables. Who would you help?

 

I'm not sure it is right, but when I see situations like that, I realize, number 1, I live on a budget. Not that I don't buy nice things or do fun stuff, but I still budget that out. Number 2, I can't help everyone, and I can't think of a fair way to help some people but not others.

 

Still very sad.

[brooklynfc]

Don't beat yourself up. We've all probably had an experience like this and when you are there, its always hard to judge. Its easy, later, to review and see the shoulda, coulda wouldas. Things happen for a reason. Some would say you saw what you saw for a reason, but it may have not been a time for you to act, just to see. The first step, is sometimes to have our eyes opened, then we can see, then we can do.

 

You can't change time and actions of the past, but maybe it is weighing on your mind b/c its time for you to act. You don't have to give thousands of $ to make a difference. Find a local charity and give your time or donate yearly to a national charity. Donate can foods to a food pantry, donate some blood. On your next Carnival cruise.....they have a charity danceathon thing.......give that a try. I'm not trying to make you feel worse, I was just trying to suggest a few things that may actually make you feel better.

 

Every Christmas, instead of giving my co-workers just a card or candy, I donate $5 each in their honor to a well known children's cancer hospital. I don't make much money and it only comes out to about $75 usually, but they are not kidding when they say every little bit helps.

 

The previous poster is right, you CAN'T help everyone and you work hard to earn and pay your way through life and it would be a travesty if you didn't live AND enjoy your life.

[shonuf]

Many years ago, DH and I were in a local ice cream/burger place. There was a young mother (with a toddler) who was on the pay phone in the corner. Yes, it was a LONG time ago! The woman was in tears, sobbing into the phone, almost the entire time we were there. DH and I both wondered if we should ask if she needed help but weren't sure whether or not to intrude.

 

To this day, I wonder if we could have helped.

 

I think today, I would at least ask her.

[vivavegas]

Don't feel guilty we've all been there! Wishing we had done something differently. forgive yourself and move on. I'm sure you have a long list of good deeds to your credit.

[Baxter]

Didn't you make a huge assumption that the woman couldn't afford to feed herself? Many times I have taken the kids to McDonalds and not ordered something because I wasn't hungry at the time, or didn't want to eat *that* food. But smelling fries after a while gets to me, so I've been know to snag the kids' fries -- when they weren't looking so as they wouldn't call me out in public!

 

I appreciate the sentiment and thought -- helping out those in need is a noble action and something I try to teach my children every day. But I also try to teach them about making assumptions about people.

[SMSACE6]

I understand. After many trips to the Caribbean and other places where I have seen less fortunate people than myself, I have also found myself wondering if I should have offered some money, but also not wanting to offend anyone. I think a lot of people in those places are very proud, and probably would not want to take a handout. So, I really dont think you did wrong, nor did I in the same sort of situation. We cant feed everyone. I do however like to put a donation of non perishable food in my local supermarkets "food bank" bin. I can at least offer some help to some one in my own "backyard".:)

[KatMo]

When we were on a tour in Jamaica several years ago, we too went through these same feelings. But, the tour guide kept telling us "don't feel sorry for us, we are here because we love it here on this island"; of course shortly after this, the tip bucket came out. ;) And we were more than happy to give them a nice tip as the tour was really good and informative about the island. I can't even imagine my entire livelyhood relying on a couple of cruiseships a few days a week.

 

On a different, but sort of same topic....the other day my niece was talking about planning her daughter's 3rd birthday party. We have a large family and the kids all have SO much it just seems a shame to keep piling gifts on them. So, my niece said this year we are having a party, but instead of gifts we want guests to bring a donation of a canned good. She will then take her daughter to the local food bank to drop off all the food. I thought this was a lovely idea and I hope it catches on!!

[KatMo]

Didn't you make a huge assumption that the woman couldn't afford to feed herself? Many times I have taken the kids to McDonalds and not ordered something because I wasn't hungry at the time, or didn't want to eat *that* food. But smelling fries after a while gets to me, so I've been know to snag the kids' fries -- when they weren't looking so as they wouldn't call me out in public!

 

I appreciate the sentiment and thought -- helping out those in need is a noble action and something I try to teach my children every day. But I also try to teach them about making assumptions about people.

 

OMG...seriously? The OP was making a heartfelt post, and you're going to flame them? :confused:

[darth frosty]

You never really know what people are going thru.

 

I remember one time a friend and I were coming from Ohio and we stopped at a rest stop during a snow storm. It was a burger king there so we got something to eat and was next to this family traveling. The parents had divided the food to the children and what looked like the oldest son says 'I dont want to share a burger I'm hungry I want a whole burger.'

 

Those were the most painful words I ever heard a child utter. My friend and I both felt for this family we also heard the father say they did not have enough for the toll to get off the turnpike.

 

My friend and I were young in our early 20's and broke ourselves but we each gave the family what we could. I hope it helped them and I hope that family got back on their feet. In life you never know what struggles people are under going.

[kmrnclrk]

She will then take her daughter to the local food bank to drop off all the food. I thought this was a lovely idea and I hope it catches on!!

 

This is actually catching on all over. I'm military so I keep up with news from home and wherever I'm at, and I've heard it more than once in more than one location. I would say though, a 3yo? I'm not sure the 3yo would understand. Still good to do, but I don't think it is worth trying to teach that young.

[TriciaEMTB]

Hindsight is 20/20, and the fact that it bugs you show you're compassionate.

 

Don't beat yourself up, just remember this feeling next time you see someone who's hungry... you'll know what to do!

[sugaangel601]

I go through this almost every day. Standing at the bus stop or walking home from work, inevitably, someone will stop me and ask if I "could spare a dollar or 2 for something to eat." I rarely carry cash, so I always have to decline. Then of course I feel awful. I cant help but think how I would feel if I genuinely needed help like that. I have rooted through my bag to find a protein bar or something, though.

 

But, then I cant help but think that maybe that money is going for something other than food. I once saw a ragged looking guy begging in Vegas who had a sign that said "Why lie? I need beer money." :eek: Also, a friend of mine was kind enough to buy a hamburger for a homeless(?) man. She delivered the food, to which he said... "I wanted a cheeseburger, can you take this back?":eek::eek::eek:

 

After these incidents, I tend to donate to organizations and shelters.

[TriciaEMTB]

I go through this almost every day. Standing at the bus stop or walking home from work, inevitably, someone will stop me and ask if I "could spare a dollar or 2 for something to eat." I rarely carry cash, so I always have to decline. Then of course I feel awful. I cant help but think how I would feel if I genuinely needed help like that. I have rooted through my bag to find a protein bar or something, though.

 

But, then I cant help but think that maybe that money is going for something other than food. I once saw a ragged looking guy begging in Vegas who had a sign that said "Why lie? I need beer money." :eek: Also, a friend of mine was kind enough to buy a hamburger for a homeless(?) man. She delivered the food, to which he said... "I wanted a cheeseburger, can you take this back?":eek::eek::eek:

 

After these incidents, I tend to donate to organizations and shelters.

 

I no longer donate money after seeing a documentary about people driving their really nice cars to a corner, getting out wearing some scrappy clothes, and walking to a corner and panhandling and bringing home 80K a year.

 

I work really hard for my money. If I can work my butt off 60 hours a week for 9/hr so can they.

[LisaT12]

1) Walk up and say "I think you dropped this," while offering money,

 

This is something I will never forget....it is such a good idea.

[sugaangel601]

I no longer donate money after seeing a documentary about people driving their really nice cars to a corner, getting out wearing some scrappy clothes, and walking to a corner and panhandling and bringing home 80K a year.

 

I work really hard for my money. If I can work my butt off 60 hours a week for 9/hr so can they.

 

I have also heard this, but didnt have the "documentation" (so to speak).

[alreadypacked]

I go through this almost every day. Standing at the bus stop or walking home from work, inevitably, someone will stop me and ask if I "could spare a dollar or 2 for something to eat." I rarely carry cash, so I always have to decline. Then of course I feel awful. I cant help but think how I would feel if I genuinely needed help like that. I have rooted through my bag to find a protein bar or something, though.

 

But, then I cant help but think that maybe that money is going for something other than food. I once saw a ragged looking guy begging in Vegas who had a sign that said "Why lie? I need beer money." :eek: Also, a friend of mine was kind enough to buy a hamburger for a homeless(?) man. She delivered the food, to which he said... "I wanted a cheeseburger, can you take this back?":eek::eek::eek:

 

After these incidents, I tend to donate to organizations and shelters.

 

True, these things happen, but I tend to think that since I'm not begging on a street corner, that even if these folks are picky or want beer, they probably are in more need than me.

 

Hell, if I was homeless or living on the skids, I might need a beer now and then just to cope with the stress (and I don't mean that as a joke).

 

Some years ago, I worked with a young girl who came to the US to from Italy to visit her American father for the first time and unsuspectedly ended up living on the streets for a short time due to his "problems".

 

To make a long story short, a young single mother in New York, who only had a "small" room (which turned out to be a decent sized closet) to offer her gave her assistance (which she gladly took).

 

It was only the fact that she spoke Italian that, after a series of low-paying odd jobs, afforded her the opportunity to work in an entry level position for Alitalia Airlines at JFK which gave her her break--some years after which, I met her at the american airline that I worked for at the time.

 

Her story made me realize that anyone could become homeless when they least expect to, and many American's are one (or two) paychecks away from homelessness.

[kmrnclrk]

Her story made me realize that anyone could become homeless when they least expect to, and many American's are one (or two) paychecks away from homelessness.

 

I think her story also tells me that anyone can make it in the world, you just need to find that thing that will get you where you need to be.