Having a Bad Day - Need Funny Cruise Stories for a Pick me Up!

[cruiserNC]

this isn't as good as the chocolate pillow or putting empty suitcases out, but it's my story, so here goes....

 

My dh hates cruising and i think this is why: On our cruise in 2008 we missed a port due to rough seas, i believe a hurricane/tropical storm had come through a few days before, so the water was still very rough.

 

When we finally hit port in cozumel, we headed for the beach. Dh isn't a big swimmer, so after an hour or so in the pool and an hour or so of non-stop drinking, we decided to walk on the beach. I spotted a row of pedal boats and thought they looked like fun. Dh had never been in one and i had only ever been in one on a lake. He donned a life jacket and we pushed the boat out into the water.

 

From the get go there was trouble with the boats as the adjustable backs wouldn't stay upright...therefore, you basically laid on your back in order to pedal. So we were drunk, laying on our backs and pedalling for our lives, only to realize that the swift current was dragging us out to sea. The harder we pedaled, the faster the current was taking us, and the further away we were getting from the shore.

 

The resort we were at had a rope of demarcation that sectioned off it's part of the ocean from, i guess, the ocean part of the ocean. As we drifted over that rope, i reached down and grabbed it, hoping to use it to pull us back to the shore. No dice. The current took us as my hands slipped from the slimy rope and we kept on a-drifing.

 

I was juuuuust about to dive off of the boat and try to swim it back to shore when luckily, someone saw that we were having a hard time and they sent a big red boat with a blaring blue siren and the words "rescate" emblazoned on the side. They hooked us up to their boat and gave us a tow to shore. We both stumbled out of the pedal boat, exhausted after the long battle with the current ,fell down into the sand and promptly ordered another drink.

 

lol

[crusinpsychRN]

At the MDR table were two guys traveling together, a woman and her sister, myself and another solo.

 

The woman with her sister had already had one roll. She started tapping the cover to the butter and looking around. Over and over she tapped the cover. Finally the waiter returned and she said, "Ohe there you are! Could I please have more bread and we need a new bell, this one doesn't seem to work."

[manmachine]

We aren’t big buffet folks. And I will say this is the one area where the kids absolutely were out of control. Glad I avoided it except for getting sushi there the first couple of nights (they serve it beginning at 6pm in the buffet, in the salad area) after dropping my kids off for Camp Carnival.

 

I had to swear off the sushi, however, after witnessing this: “*****” was a whirling dervish of a child, approximately 7 years young, energetically cutting in and out of the legs of his father. Dear old dad kept calling, “*****,” and “*****!” and even, “*****!!!” to little perceived effect on the child. I, however, have by this time had his moniker seared on my brain. I was trying to mind my own business despite being whacked on the legs a couple of times by this little darling when I heard the father shout, “*****!” even louder, and looked over to see the little precious with his finger stuck through several pieces of lunch meat on the display.

 

There was a long, drawn out second of silence, then the issue of his loins promptly removed his finger from the display—and popped it in his mouth. Dad, quite remarkably, in my estimation, left the lunch meat on the tray, apparently figuring the hand-made, or should I specify, finger-made hole through the center would provide amusement and gustatory delight for the next patron in line. Perhaps an olive garnish there?

 

But the fun was not over yet! “*****” apparently saw something else on the line that aroused his tactile and/or visual sensibility, because after another quick lick of his meat-skewering digit, “****” began repeating, “Dip! Dip! Dip, Daddy!”

 

It all happened so fast, and yet when I relive the moment, it seems to spool out so slowly… the young hand a blurin motion, headed inexorably towards the dish (Dip! Dip!) upon which the young eyes are already feasting… the father, momentarily stunned (and perhaps slightly off-kilter by concern that the Betty White lookalike behind him in line witnessed the last event and is going to cane him for leaving the holey lunch meat on the tray) reacts just a moment too late… the young finger… the tasting digit… the meat probing prehensile attachment… already at the new object of affection… as the father cries to his progeny, “*****!!!!!!!!, NO!” but too late, as the finger enters the fresh, lovely, cool green and mint-looking display of… “*****!!!! That is WASABI!”

 

“*****,” being not unintelligent, and no doubt realizing that this time his paternal master might actually enforce discipline and prevent him from completing his quest, quickly and, dare I say it, a bit Little Jack Horner like, pulled out a good plum-sized dollop of wasabi on the tip of his finger, ducked under my arm, walked three feet away, looked at both of us (hoping, hoping, please forgive me, but I was hoping…) and stuck his finger in his mouth…

[USA41018]

If my DH knows I posted this, he will disown me. But this happened on our last cruise the beginning of this month.

 

He went to take a shower and removed his shorts and boxers all in one swoop. After his shower he put on clean boxers and folded up his shorts and laid them on the bottom of the bed. The next morning we were pulling into port and he jumped out of bed and put his shorts on. Since we had a cabin at the front of the ship, he went out there to watch us dock. There was no one out there. He then decided to go up to the Lido deck and get a cup of coffee. While walking down the hallway he felt something rubbing his leg. When he looked down his green plaid boxers had slipped down the leg of his shorts and were flapping in the wind, hanging out. Lucky he didn't make it up to Lido. It would have been hilarious to see him standing there with boxers hanging out the pants leg of his shorts.

[wadethegringo]

Not mine, but always make me laugh:

 

Guest calling room service,

Subject: "Tenjewberrymuds"

To get the full effect, this should be read aloud. You will understand what 'tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation. This has been nominated for the best email of 2005. T

Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"

G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."

RS: "Ow July den?"

G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"

G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

G: "What?"

RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"

G: "I don't think so."

RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bodder?"

G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."

RS: "Wad?"

G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Excuse me?"

RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"

G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??"

G: "Whatever you say."

RS: "Tenjewberrymuds." G : "You're very welcome."

 

I have lived in Belize for 4 years. English is the official language. But Belize Kriol is spoken by almost all locals. It took me a while but I can get most of the conversation.

 

Greeting someone: EnglishBelize KriolMy name is ………… Ah nayhn (or) Mee naym …………What is your name?Weh yu nayhn?What's up? Hello (informal)Weh di go aan?Good morning.Gud maanin.How are you?Da how yu di du?Fine, thank youAarait.How much does this cost?Humoch dis kaas?What time is it?Weh taim yu gat?I've had a wonderful time.Ah mi gat wahn gud gud taim.It doesn't matter.Ih noh mata.Is that so? Fu chroo?

[nyladym]

this isn't as good as the chocolate pillow or putting empty suitcases out, but it's my story, so here goes....

 

my DH hates cruising and I think this is why: on our cruise in 2008 we missed a port due to rough seas, i believe a hurricane/tropical storm had come through a few days before, so the water was still very rough.

 

When we finally hit port in Cozumel, we headed for the beach. DH isn't a big swimmer, so after an hour or so in the pool and an hour or so of non-stop drinking, we decided to walk on the beach. I spotted a row of pedal boats and thought they looked like fun. DH had never been in one and I had only ever been in one on a lake. He donned a life jacket and we pushed the boat out into the water.

 

from the get go there was trouble with the boats as the adjustable backs wouldn't stay upright...therefore, you basically laid on your back in order to pedal. So we were drunk, laying on our backs and pedalling for our lives, only to realize that the swift current was dragging us out to sea. the harder we pedaled, the faster the current was taking us, and the further away we were getting from the shore.

 

The resort we were at had a rope of demarcation that sectioned off it's part of the ocean from, i guess, the ocean part of the ocean. as we drifted over that rope, i reached down and grabbed it, hoping to use it to pull us back to the shore. NO DICE. the current took us as my hands slipped from the slimy rope and we kept on a-drifing.

 

I was juuuuust about to dive off of the boat and try to swim it back to shore when luckily, someone saw that we were having a hard time and they sent a big red boat with a blaring blue siren and the words "RESCATE" emblazoned on the side. they hooked us up to their boat and gave us a tow to shore. We both stumbled out of the pedal boat, exhausted after the long battle with the current ,fell down into the sand and promptly ordered another drink.

 

Oh My! Now that's funny but I would have been terrified.

[nyladym]

Our exciting, scary day in Puerto Vallarta, just last week:

 

We grabbed a taxi to take us to the "Malecon" which (for those who haven't been there) is a boardwalk along the coast. Artists make awesome sand art on the beach there. It's a little cobblestone road for pedestrians only, with a few little alleys coming into it, which is where our Taxi dropped us off. There are shops, bars, restaurants and a sidewalk on one side of the walkway, and the beach is on the other side, also with a sidewalk.

 

Soooo, we started walking along, and when we got to the first little side street/alley we noticed a bunch of cops on ATVs right in the intersection. I thought maybe there had been an accident because we could hear sirens in the background.

 

Then, all of a sudden we saw a car driving very fast and out of control on the malecon, where no cars should be. The rest happened really fast, and I sort of froze in fear. The car was headed right for us, honking and going up onto the sidewalk, people were jumping out of it's way. There was another smallish car and a police car with it's siren blaring behind the first car, but the first car was the scary one.

 

The first car dodged around the police road block and just before it was going to run into us it took a turn into the alley. It had been close enough that we could see 4 HUGE mean looking guys in it. I'm not kidding, they were close enough we could see them looking right at us. All I could do was stand there frozen in terror, sure they were going to run me down.

 

OK, so, they turned down the alley, and so did the police and the other car. Then we heard crashing sounds and what sounded like gun shots...and then the policemen in the road block started cheering and giving each other high fives. So I knew they had probably killed or caught the bad guys.

 

I took a deep breath and said to nobody in particular "Holy Cow, that scared the crap out of me, I feel like I'm having a heart attack." And then a guy in the crowd, said "OH NO! NO! I am SOOO sorry! Are you ok?? We are filming a movie and you walked up on it. It wasn't real, are you ok??"

 

I heard people laughing, so I guess I was the only one who didn't know it wasn't real. He was worried about me and I was embarrassed but I told him I live in AZ a few minutes from the Mexican border and in our area if we see something like that, it's real and we run, unless we freeze in place instead!

 

Hilarious!!!!

I am loving this post! Thanks for the laughs.

[Relax@Sea]

I was on a Carnival cruise with a large group from Green Bay WI. and was on the front of the top deck of the ship after our late dinner there were 2 male passengers obviously friends, when one of them started to relieve himself off of the front of the boat into the wind the other I guess did not notice what his friend was doing. I along with some other passengers near by were close enough to hear there conversation when the other male that was not relieving himself said he was surprised that he could taste the sea "salty" water from all the way on the top of the ship when all you heard was everyone laughing except the friend that was tasting the cool sea water up some 100 feet from the water.

[Gail & Marty sailing away]

I was having dinner with the Captain one night in rough seas, and someone asked him why the ship was rocking so much. Without missing a bite, he replied ----- Too many honeymooners onboard !!

That is an old one ..

[jetteh22]

On our last cruise we tried to play mini-golf multiple times. Every time we tried it started to rain. Our cruise was completely sunny except for when we tried to play mini golf! So, after getting back on the boat in Jamaica we all go up to play mini-golf again. It's still a few hours before the boat is scheduled to set sail again so nobody else was playing except for us.

 

We get a few holes in and it starts to drizzle, of course. We all laugh it off and continue to play. A few holes later and it's got a steady rain going on. We're already wet and just continue to play. "We're not stopping!" we say.

 

About three holes before the very end and it starts pouring and the wind is CRAZY strong. It's hard to walk because one way you're walking against the wind and using all of your strength. The other way and you're falling over if you try to walk. It felt like a hurricane. Uncle Bryan screams, at the top of his lungs, "IS THIS ALL YOU'VE GOT!? I'M FINISHING THIS GAME!" while the rest of us run to the railing and hold on.

 

The wind was so strong when he hit the ball and it started to go down a hill it would literally stop on a big slope because the wind was pushing it back. If it wasn't on a hill it constantly came back to him.

 

We're all laughing hysterically because he it took him 10-15 shots to get it in the hole.

 

One of the best moments in my life.

[oldmedic]

My funny story just happened to occour on one of the formal nights on the ship.. (forget which one) (I happened to be wearing my kilt) we were waiting by one of the elevators, and I was not paying close attention to my wife. she walked away for a moment, which i had not noticed and I reached down and patted her on her butt and said "I love you"... not really a big deal except that it wasn't my wife's glutus maximus that I had accosted, it was a total stranger... she said "thank you" and we both had a laugh when I realized what had happened... a day or so later, we were getting on the elevator, and as we walked on the same elevator she happened to be on, she pointed her finger at me and told a friend with her, "That's the guy,and they both started laughing...Guess it gave both of us a funny moment to remember...

[HImom]

This didn't take place on a cruise ship but at a popular port. A relative was visiting us and thrilled to be on his own in famous Waikiki Beach. He had surf lessons on Thursday and was excited to try his skill at surfing solo, so the next afternoon, he rents a board and paddles out, catching a few nice waves. He started to notice other surfers looking at him strangely. He looked down and was shocked to see that his shorts had ripped out the seam from his waist to his back, leaving him hanging out in all his glory (front & back). He covered himself as best he could with his surfboard while trying to figure out his next steps, while the current pushed him further away from the surfboard stand. He finally paddled back to shore through the crowds of Waikiki Beach & had to walk back to the stand to return the board & then back to the hotel room.

 

He insisted on going to the swap meet the next day & find a pair of shorts with triple stitching so it wouldn't fail on him. Was quite the memory for his trip & his family's.

[wrigley80]

I've shared this story before, but it's always good for a chuckle.

 

I had cruised before but hubby hadn't. On the last night of the cruise, we were having fun with friends when it hit me that it was late and we had to put the suitcases outside (before self-debark days). I started to panic to run upstairs when hubby kindly says he would go. I thanked him and told him he needed to put the suitcases outside our door.

 

He goes and then comes back. We come home late and crawl into bed. Next morning as I get ready to debark, I notice that ALL of our clothes were in the closet and drawers, all of our souvenirs...everything.

 

Husband did exactly as he was told. He put all of our suitcases out the night before but EMPTY! :rolleyes: I just assumed he knew I meant to pack them too. The big doofus.

 

So our room steward was "kind" enough to allow us to use two giant clear garbage bags to put everything we owned in them and traipse off the ship and to customs like a couple of middle-aged hobos.

 

HAHAHA now that is a good one :D :D :D :D LMAO

[SadieN]

Walking behind two teens (not mine) up the gangway to the Splendor in Long Beach one said to the other, 'Look, look, they have submarines!' I quietly explained to them that those were our lifeboats. If they became submarines we'd all be in trouble.