How do you as a parent handle this one?

[stbmom]

Okay, my ds is an extreme extrovert and has never met a "stranger". He is one and is a ham! We are working with him on this. Here is my question, while I completely understand an toddler not knowing the stranger rules I am astonished at adults who seemly don't understand stranger rules. We travel a lot with ds and it never fails that we have adults of all ages who do things like tell him to "come here", try to pick him up, etc.

Believe, he is cute - I understand:D

But come on people! I have to teach him about stranger danger (anyone watch Dateline's To Catch a Predator!). I am fine with people smiling at him, waving, even saying "hi". But just last week we went on a trip and at breakfast at our hotel an older gentleman sitting alone was watching my son walk around (we do let him walk around for those child haters:p , and yes I was right beside him) and the man kept telling my son "come over here and see me". Even at the airport people kept asking my son to walk over to them:mad:

We live in the South, to I understand being hospitable! We have taught him to say "hi", smile, even wave - but NO I will not have my son walking up to complete strangers.

I usually try to just say "oh he is tired right now" or make up another polite excuse for my not letting him to come over there. However, I don't want to lie in front of my son constantly (especially as he gets older). Also, I don't mind people who are staff playing with him, I am refering to folks such as other customers, etc.

 

What do you do when complete strangers cross the line into what you have taught your child is inappropriate stranger contact? I am asking because I can imagine we will deal with this on our cruise as well (he is such a cute kid and all:)

[CanadianTwosome]

You seem to be concerned with hurting the feelings of these people who are certainly not taking yours into account. Just politely tell them, 'I'm sorry, I'm trying to teach him not to talk to strangers, so I would prefer it if you didn't talk to him in such a friendly way. It confuses him.'

 

Anyone with any sense will appreciate your candor and realize that they were being thoughtless. Anyone who is indignant - well, I hope they don't have any kids, because I'd worry about their safety awareness!! Protect your children, not the feelings of people who are, through their thoughtlessness, teaching your children something you don't want them to learn.

[stbmom]

Great point :)

 

Thanks for reminding me of what is the most important thing! I like the way you phrased the reply as well.

[kitty9]

My mother likes to remind me how I brought a "bum" home with me when I was 5 years old. This was back in the late 1950's so things were different then, but mom was still horrified. I would talk to anyone and we didn't know "stranger danger" from anything back then. It's rather sad that we have to teach our kids about that now.

 

Like the previous poster said, it's not impolite to explain to strangers that you are teaching your son how to be careful around strangers. I think everyone would understand about that in this day and age. We teach these rules from pre-school on up, and you'd be surprised how much the younger kids retain when you repeat what you want them to learn. Even the 3 year olds can paraphrase the rules.

[buddyjo143]

I think some people think they can't possibly be that "stranger" that you are worried about. In their mind they aren't doing anything wrong. Then there is the true predator who hopes you have no boundaries and will let your toddler out of your sight or just walk up to any old person.

 

The first will not be offended if you tell them you are trying to teach stranger awareness. Hopefully they will agree with you and back you up. Who cares if you offend the second type.

 

I know when I am in public I can't help but make eye contact with little ones and often their parents don't notice. When they do, however, I acknowledge the parents and usually say something about their personable child.

[Cruisin' Chick]

This is an important issue. I have an outgoing child (it would bug my mother that my girl will talk to strangers but be shy around her, go figure). So whenever we can, we remind her that some strangers may want to hurt her.

 

I just borrow a book from the library about puberty (my girl's 9 and starting to ask questions) and there was a chapter devoted to improper behavior (eg. touching) from others. I was glad to see this as it's a lesson that children need to be reminded about even as they start to mature.

[CanadianTwosome]

I think some people think they can't possibly be that "stranger" that you are worried about.

 

Nothing could be more true. I was one of those people once, and I never did it again. I was at a playground with my neice, who was about 3 or 4 at the time, and there were two little girls on the swings. One of the girls said, 'Can you please push me?' and I was about to say 'yes' when her sister (I'm assuming) said, 'You're not supposed to talk to her; she's a stranger.' Well, it immediately snapped me into protective auntie mode (I wasn't a parent yet) and I said, 'You know, she's right. I'm actually a very nice, safe person, but you don't know that, so it's best if I just play with my neice.' After that, I never did it again. I have spoken to parents and asked them permission to speak to their children if I want to pay them a compliment or something, but that day I realized that I WAS the stranger that kids aren't supposed to talk to. Friendly, 'safe' people who think it's okay to talk to a strange child because they 'would never hurt them' are actually doing just that by encouraging them to trust strangers. Unfortunately, those 'safe' people don't see that danger - I know I didn't. Thank goodness there was a five year old around that had her act together!!! ha ha ha

[raina*faith]

At this day and age, I would definately acknowledge the parent and then the child. From a parent's point of view - You never know some people are strange, but friendly.. From a person who just loves little ones, I would make sure the Parent sees me and I then goo goo and gahh gahh over the little one.

 

Never asking them to step away from the parent!!!

[lumpkin]

Everything being said on this post is true, ...and one distinction I have made with my kids is that the "stranger" rule is different if they are with me or their father. If they are with either one of us present, then they can consider it "safe" to reply if they are spoken to by a stranger. This breaking of the rule is only allowed if they are with one of us.

[CanadianTwosome]

Yes, I fully agree with that one as well. Our daughter is allowed to answer if she's with one or both of us, or one of her grandparents as well. She is also allowed to speak to 'strangers' that can be readily identified as the clerk in a store (she enjoys asking for help) or similar. Thankfully, she's at an age now (8) where we have been able to have in depth discussions about what it means to be a stranger and what her responsibilities are in keeping herself safe.

 

We've been having talks about being on the ship as well. The only time I can imagine she would be without one of us or otherwise supervised in the Kid's Crew would be if she needed to use a washroom, and even then, one of us will likely accompany her. But, things happen... and on a ship with so many people, statistically there are going to be people I'd rather she not come in contact with. I don't expect to think about it at all while we're on board, but as the old saying goes, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure!!

[Cruisin' Chick]

I thought about this subject this afternoon. My girl and I were in a McD's waiting for the order at the counter. This woman came up and started talking to my daughter about the monitor above. It just seemed very strange. Of course I was standing right next to my daughter.

 

A few minutes later when we were walking to the car, I brought up the "stranger," and my daughter said she knows not to follow a stranger...and that she knows not to talk to a stranger when a family member isn't around. It just makes you wonder about a woman who would just start talking to a young person.

[Kerry's Girls]

It just makes you wonder about a woman who would just start talking to a young person.

 

Whoops. I could be that woman - I talk to kids all the time. I wonder who has wondered about me! It just never occurred to me that kids with their parents shouldn't be spoken to. I'm sure there are others like me who don't mean any harm, just never thought in terms of this. The phrase mentioned by a previous poster "We're trying to teach them not to speak to strangers" is perfect.

 

Part of what I like about a cruise is the automatic comaraderie with fellow passengers - like no one is a stranger - and I can completely see how that could be a huge problem when you're trying to teach children not to speak to strangers. Really interesting subject that I never considered. I have twins who attract a lot of attention on cruises and they get played with and held by a lot of people - passengers and crew alike. I hate the idea that the time will come when I have to tell them strangers are to be avoided, but I guess it's necessary.

 

Thanks everyone for the info.

 

Best,

Mia

[crusinmama06]

I run through different scenarios with my older daughter (she's 6 but I started doing this when she was 3) and I ask her what she would do in a certain situation.

 

Such as...wonder if you are in the school's playground and someone comes up and asks you to help them find their puppy...what would you do?

 

We talk about how everyone is a stranger and could be dangerous and that she should NEVER leave with anyone for any reason.

[CanadianTwosome]

Yes, the puppy scenario is a really important one.

 

I think it's important to note that a cruise is a special circumstance. My daughter is aware that she will very likely have a LOT of strangers talking to her on the ship - asking her if she's having a good time or if she enjoyed the beach or Kid's Crew for instance. We've discussed how to respond when she is and isn't with one of us, and I'm very happy with her responses. She knows it's okay to answer if we're with her, and when I asked her what she thought she should do if someone talked to her if she was ever alone for some reason and she answered, 'I will just say, 'I'm sorry but I don't like to talk to strangers; it's a rule.'' I may have phrased it a bit differently, but it sounded great to me and I was very happy to hear her say it without my prompting.

 

I wish I didn't have to have these conversations with my child, but I love her too much not to!!

[LittleBit]

I was at a playground with my neice, who was about 3 or 4 at the time, and there were two little girls on the swings. One of the girls said, 'Can you please push me?' and I was about to say 'yes' when her sister (I'm assuming) said, 'You're not supposed to talk to her; she's a stranger.' Thank goodness there was a five year old around that had her act together!!! ha ha ha

 

Actually, it concerns me more that a parent would let their children this young be on the swings (or anywhere on the playground) by themselves. If the child asked you, that means that they DIDN'T have an adult around and would be at more of a risk...

 

But, your child is more likely to be kidnapped or abused by someone they know, not by a total stranger.

 

Defining "Stranger" is sometimes difficult, I teach and so to the kids, the first night of class, I AM a Stranger - one that many parents just open the door and toss their kid at - even after a year, some parents don't know my name or even what I look like. To my nieces that I only see two maybe three times a year, I AM a Stranger. And do you take your child to the mall to sit on Santa's lap? (oops - almost typed Satan!)

 

I think Lumpkin and others have a better idea - teaching a child that if Mom or Dad is with them talking with a stranger is ok. It's how they learn to interact with others.

[Eskwire]

This video http://www.tvatlas.com/prod.aspx?pfid=252&sid=06EF6D8023DE41A6A8D7D6CC8AA502A4

 

was made by John Walsh and the Baby Einstein Company. My sister has it and said it was great.

[stbmom]

Thanks everyone so much - all the advice is great :)

 

We difintely feel comfortable letting ds "talk" to crew members and wave, smile, and say "hi" to other PAX on the ship. I guess the thing that got to us so much was a couple weeks ago when we went on a short vacation. This was our first trip when my ds was walking and I was amazed at the amount of people that asked him to come to them. He really is a cutie, but I was just surprised. It went beyond waving and saying "hi" - I mentioned in the first post the older male that kept asking ds to "come over and see him". Then, in the airport we were letting him walk around to tire him out before the plane ride (it worked like a charm by the way), 2 seperate females kept trying to get him to walk over to them. No one ever said, "hey, your kid is cute can I play with him" - they just spoke directly to ds.

We were at an NFL game about 4 weeks ago and several people asked to hold him and 2 seperate people asked if they could take his picture (he was dressed up in a team's jersy) - so I really do understand. He really is a magnet (in fact, his name means "Magnetic Sign from God :)). I just want to keep it within reason. I am a little overly nervous because of my past. My family moved from a house when I was fairly young (5) and the family that brought the house from us had a child my age. Their child was kidnapped and killed several months after buying our old home. Since then I have had a heightened since of "stranger danger".

I will definitely try out the responses recommended here - they are very great and polite :)

[CurtS]

I agree with Canadian Twosome that people should not be hurt or shocked by a parent's reluctance to allow their children to go to complete strangers. We have six children and all of them have been taught to steer clear of strangers (by the way, Eskwire is right--the tape is really good, we used it for our 4 and 5 year olds). That doesn't keep people from wanting to hug them, pick them up or even offer candy. But today's world is one where kids have to be taught to be kind but wary of strangers and I believe most people understand a parent's reluctance. If they don't then that is unfortunate, because if it is between my child (who I'm charged with protecting for 18 years) versus a stranger's feelings (who I will probably only see for seven days), it's not a contest.

 

Curt

[bill turcotte]

I have twins . Thier are too young to understand " Stranger " " Not Stranger " . With twins everyone feels like they can talk to the girls . I feel like its my job to always be around the girls . When a Stranger talks , he talking to us ( even if he thinks he's just talking to the girls ). So no big deal if the person waved or even tried to play with the girls . I will be the one "allowing " or " not allowing "if we interact back or not . With twins you get all the help you can .

 

That said if a person tried to pick up my child . Other then if she fell down . I would be mad -but still I would be polite and say " please do not pick little Lisa up . She not feeling well or she just ate ,ect ..

 

It really is the parents role to protect. The lines are the parents , not the Stranger . So I expect nothing from the Stranger to understand . How could A Stranger know what your O.K. or not O.K. with ?

In the end I hope people are nice to my girls , I hope they want to wave , play "peek a poo". But I will be thier to watch and protect , Nice or not Nice.

[KatWI]

All of the info in all of the posts above is really GREAT!

I do feel compelled to add to this by saying that many dangers come from people who are not exactly “strangers”. If you’ve ever seen a pedophile give an interview or read/watch the news about the terrible things that happen to children, many of these terrible people are sometimes known to the children (even casually). Two incidents stick out in my mind…a local girl (10) was kidnapped and killed by a neighbor who lived in her apartment building. There were also two girls (I think about 13) who were kidnapped and killed by a parent of a school friend. Neither of these people were “strangers”.

I’m VERY strict with my children (16 DS and 11 DD). Beginning when they were very young and also when they first started staying home alone, etc. we had a strict rule. They couldn’t answer the phone or door for ANYONE. This included our friends and even aunts/uncles. The only exception was us (parents) and their grandparents and we all have keys anyway. From the very beginning we had a “code” word and they weren’t allowed to accept rides, etc from ANYONE without this “code” (again the only exception was grandparents) unless it was pre-arranged or they spoke to us directly.

I never wanted them to be confused about who to allow in the house (or pick them up, etc) and who not to. I’d rather be safe then sorry. For instance I have a few very close friends who are almost like family…I didn’t want them to think “Laura” is ok so why not “Joan” my friend’s mom, or “Mike” who lives next door….etc…..I think it could get very confusing…especially when none of these people are really “strangers”.

I know many of your kids are still very young but it is still something to think about as they get older!

PS My kids have been “tested” and luckily they have always passed!

[Cruisin' Chick]

All of the info in all of the posts above is really GREAT!

 

I do feel compelled to add to this by saying that many dangers come from people who are not exactly “strangers”. If you’ve ever seen a pedophile give an interview or read/watch the news about the terrible things that happen to children, many of these terrible people are sometimes known to the children (even casually). Two incidents stick out in my mind…a local girl (10) was kidnapped and killed by a neighbor who lived in her apartment building. There were also two girls (I think about 13) who were kidnapped and killed by a parent of a school friend. Neither of these people were “strangers”.

 

I’m VERY strict with my children (16 DS and 11 DD). Beginning when they were very young and also when they first started staying home alone, etc. we had a strict rule. They couldn’t answer the phone or door for ANYONE. This included our friends and even aunts/uncles. The only exception was us (parents) and their grandparents and we all have keys anyway. From the very beginning we had a “code” word and they weren’t allowed to accept rides, etc from ANYONE without this “code” (again the only exception was grandparents) unless it was pre-arranged or they spoke to us directly.

 

I never wanted them to be confused about who to allow in the house (or pick them up, etc) and who not to. I’d rather be safe then sorry. For instance I have a few very close friends who are almost like family…I didn’t want them to think “Laura” is ok so why not “Joan” my friend’s mom, or “Mike” who lives next door….etc…..I think it could get very confusing…especially when none of these people are really “strangers”.

 

I know many of your kids are still very young but it is still something to think about as they get older!

 

PS My kids have been “tested” and luckily they have always passed!

 

Excellent info. I know that whenever someone knocked on our front door, my daughter sometimes would get there first and ask "who is it?" I have to remind her to let me handle things and she needs to go in another room, if I don't know who it is. Our front door is always locked and needs a key to open it, which she doesn't have (in case of emergency, she can open the garage door if the electricity is working, or the kitchen sliding door if she gathers enough strength to do so).

[Cruisin' Chick]

I think the important thing is to start educating our child as soon as they can understand these concepts...even if you have to simplify them at first.

[oldbrat]

Would you folks be kind enough to answer a question for me? I will be the first to admit I have no children in my life so I don't have any experience with what you, as parents, are dealing with. If this is a dumb question to you - please understand, I honestly just want to do what's right and not offend or upset anyone.

 

I'm sailing next week on the Noordam and there will be some children onboard. It is a Christmas cruise. I was planning on bringing some candy canes or some sort of treat for the smaller children who will be attending our "meet & mingle" get together. I thought it would be a nice gesture but now I'm nervous. Should I even bother? Can I just place some candy canes on a dish or give them to the parents? What's the proper protocol now? Again, I'm sorry to be so ignorant on this subject. I'm just trying to learn and understand so I don't ruffle anyone's feathers on our cruise.

 

I saw a woman on our Christmas cruise last year, handing out lollipops to the kids and it didn't seem to be a problem. Am I worrying for nothing? Quite frankly, I'm just stealing her idea. :)

 

Thanks in advance - Susan

[Eskwire]

Would you folks be kind enough to answer a question for me? I will be the first to admit I have no children in my life so I don't have any experience with what you, as parents, are dealing with. If this is a dumb question to you - please understand, I honestly just want to do what's right and not offend or upset anyone.

 

I'm sailing next week on the Noordam and there will be some children onboard. It is a Christmas cruise. I was planning on bringing some candy canes or some sort of treat for the smaller children who will be attending our "meet & mingle" get together. I thought it would be a nice gesture but now I'm nervous. Should I even bother? Can I just place some candy canes on a dish or give them to the parents? What's the proper protocol now? Again, I'm sorry to be so ignorant on this subject. I'm just trying to learn and understand so I don't ruffle anyone's feathers on our cruise.

 

I saw a woman on our Christmas cruise last year, handing out lollipops to the kids and it didn't seem to be a problem. Am I worrying for nothing? Quite frankly, I'm just stealing her idea. :)

 

Thanks in advance - Susan

 

As long as they are individually wrapped (like Halloween candy) I don't see how there could be any tampering concerns. I personally think it is a nice and thoughtful gesture. However, I have 2 issues. (1) Allergies. You must always ask parents before offering any food because you would not believe the amount of allergies floating out there. and (2) What time is this meet and mingle? Is it before lunch or dinner? Some parents would not want their kids to have candy right before a meal and introducing the treat might cause an unnecessary ruckus for the parents (read: tantrum). My lovely DD, for example, would eat candy instead of her meal, if she could. Maybe offer it after the meal? And of course check with the parents in case of allergies.

[oldbrat]

Very informative. Thank-you. I hadn't even thought about allergies.

 

I think I will bring individually wrapped candy canes and let the Moms & Dads do what they wish. I'll just make them available.

 

Thanks for taking the time to answer. :)