Review of our non-cruise. Long and boring.

[jgmpuma]

About Us: We are a couple in our early 60's, veterans of ten cruises and thousands of non-cruises. We used to live in New Orleans until Katrina put six feet of flood water in our home. We are now living in Kenner, near the airport. You can wave to us as you fly in or out of New Orleans.

 

This week, as usual, we are not going on a cruise. We won't be going on a cruisenext week either, or the week after that. We won't be going on a cruise until we get our flooded home repaired and finish fighting with our insurance companies, and Lord knows when that will be. By the time this Katrina stuff is over, we probably won't have enough money left to take any kind of a cruise except a free ride on the Canal Street ferry. We have no docs to dance about. About the only docs we get these days are bills, junk mail, and letters from FEMA telling us why they can't help us.

 

Pre cruise: The night before our latest non-cruise we stayed home and ordered Chinese food. They delivered the wrong stuff. No packing was necessary since we weren't going anywhere. We were not excited about our non-cruise, so we slept pretty well.

 

First day of non-cruise: We woke up at the usual time, with the dog asleep at the foot of the bed. He had not been as gassy as usual, so the day got off to a good start.

 

Getting to the port: We are only about thrity minutes away from the Port of New Orleans, but there was no reason to go there.

 

Embarkation: This was a breeze, since we didin't have to do it. I embarked for work. My wife embarked to her mother's house to sort out her pills and balance her checkbook.

 

Mustard drill: See comments under "Lunch", below.

 

Drink of the day: I think there are two cold beers in the refrigerator, unless my sons drank them while I wasn't looking. If not, I could stick a little umbrella in one of the to try to get the foo foo effect.

 

Dining on first day:

 

Breakfast: The only choices offered were Cheerios and Grape Nuts Flakes. No hot entrees available since we were out of instant oatmeal. I don't know what my wife had because I embarked before she got out of bed.

 

Lunch was a ham sandwich on slightly stale French bread, with a glass of iced tea. As usual, we were out of the spicey mustard I lake and I had to use French's.

 

Dinner: Only one seating was available (late), but there was no wait. It was my turn to cook, so I made red beans and rice, which was the only entree offered. Presentation was on paper plates because we don't have a dishwasher. The salad was a little wilted. There were no desserts available. Apparently my daughter ate the last slice of pecan pie. No problem with my wearing jeans in the dining room, though. Service was a little slow because my mother-in-law kept calling to tell her that her back hurt and that she was constipated. The only other guest at the table was the dog. I had to clean up after dinner.

 

Head waiter: There was no waiter, head or otherwise. If we want something, we have to get it ourselves. I offered to sing, but my wife declined the offer. No dancing, either. The dog gets excited and usually bites one or both of us.

 

Other wait staff: None.

 

Captain's gala welcome aboard party: In our dreams.

 

Midnight buffet: We were in bed before midnight. Probably didn't happen, though.

 

Room service: If I ask her politely, my wife wil usuall bring me a bowl of peanuts and a beer. She does not ask for or receive a tip.

 

Room steward: We have no steward. No one waits on us at all. No towel animal. The bathroom hasn't been cleaned since the day before yesterday. My wife says its my turn.

 

Ports of call/excursions. None. My wife went to the grocery, and said she found some good bargains on chicken at the Super Walmart. I had the oil in my car changed on the way home from work. Most of the people around here seem to speak only Spanish, so its a little like Cozumel, but without the beaches. We had planned an excursion to Home Depot to buy paint, but it was canceled for lack of interest.

 

Weather: Today is worm. Tomorrow it is supposed to be cold. It doesn't really matter much since we aren't going anywhere.

 

Shows: There were no shows to go to. I watched a special about paint on the History Channel, and a Hornets game. The Hornets lost. My wife and I played Scrabble. I won, but she accused me of cheating.

 

Bingo: None.

 

Casino: Nada.

 

Karaoke: Zip.

 

Deck games: No deck No games.

 

Cruise director: None. At least we didn't have to hear all of those annoying announcements or go to port talks.

 

Hairy chest contest: Thankfully, I am the only one of us with a hairy chest, so I won hands down.

 

Days at sea: We seem to be at sea most days now.

 

Other non-cruising guests: My daughter stopped by to borrow some money to pay her parking tickets. She was pleasant enough, and didn't try to hog any of the folding chairs.

 

Days two, three, four, five and six: Pretty much the same as day one. The dining room menu is supposed to change daily, but that doesn't always happen. Each evening, no list of the following days activities was slipped under the door.

 

Debarkation: See notes on embarkation.

 

Overall impression: This was not our favorite non-cruise, but not the worst, either. On the plus side, we didn't spend much money, and we didin't have to go through the let-down of just coming off of a cruise. We didn't gain any weight, and neither of us caught a virus. No outrageous sail and sign card bill to pay. The only real negative was that our contractor called and said he had a scalp infection, and wouldn't be able to work for a few days.

 

All things considered, would we take another non-cruise? I guess we will have to.

[zaandam_2]

ROFLAO! i don't mean to make light of your situation. with your sense of humor you're bound to pull through. thanks for the laugh. best wishes.

[Illinoisgal]

What a great and humerous way to deal with the ongoing effects after katrina. I raise a fake Foo Foo to you and your wife and wish you the best in getting your home back together. It could be worse you could live in Illinois :)

[caribbean dreams]

Great review!!!

It made my boring day:)

[Illinoisgal]

What a great and humerous way to deal with the ongoing effects after katrina. I raise a fake Foo Foo to you and your wife and wish you the best in getting your home back together. It could be worse you could live in Illinois :)

[LWiening]

Thank you for helping to open up everyones eyes that there are those out there are not able to enjoy the things that some take for granted...

you really gave a new perspective to me. Wish you & your wife well with the continually red tape that you have to go through....

[Mikel1733]

This is the best review I've read on Cruise Critic.:) I appreciate your sharing with us.

[yearnin4cruisin]

Funniest thing I've read in a long time. LOL. Very funny.

[sallyb]

Based on your review, I have decided to cancel my non cruise.:( Oh, that's right, you can't cancel that, thank goodness I didn't put down a deposit!

By the way, did you get a genuine 24 kt gold plastic ship on a stick for winning the hairy chest contest?;)

[mrdood]

I think you went into your non-cruise a little tainted, maybe you should try a different non-cruise with another non-cruise line...

 

ps - did you non-dock or non-tender in Cozumel?

[rburns44]

What a tremendous attitude! When you do cruise again, I would love to cruise with you! Hope you are both back to cruising real soon and that FEMA or the insurance company gives you a break! Terrific review!

 

Becky

[Caribbean Dad]

Great review................I hope my non-cruise next week goes as well.

[noelm]

Great review! I have a couple of questions regarding your non-cruise;

 

1) Did you have to get up early to reserve a deck chair?

2) Is room service free?

3) Did you go "pre-paid" gratuities or just pay at the end?

4) Did you sneak any booze on board?

5) Finally, based on your experiences... should I rent a tux or just go sport-coat/tie for formal night?

 

Thanks for the insights!:)

[dan40]

In case this helps a bit:

 

We were cruising on the PARADISE 9/5/04. Her repo to LA cruise. Hurricane Frances hit Miami 9/5 so we left 9/6. Heading for Aruba, Barb's fave. Nope, Hurricane Ivan is in the way. We have to go full speed to get in front and around Ivan. We make it to and thru the Canal. Now for some port hopping up the west coast. Nope, Hurricane Javier is in the way. Here we go full speed again, course 270 degrees. Yep, due WEST, are we going to Hawaii?? Forget that port hopping stuff, Javier is pounding the coast. We get to LA, stay over a couple of days then fly back to Fl. Off plane, rush home, board up, Hurricane Jeanne is coming tomorrow. Now we're battened down, stay here or run to the condo in Cape Coral? Stay? Go? Barb says she's afraid, off we go to Cape Coral.

Jeanne hits our house, rips off 8 ft of roof on the north side and 4 ft of roof on the south side, kitchen gone, living room gone, master and another bedroom gone. Well not gone, just destroyed.

2 months of catch as catch can for a roof for the nite. Motels, friends couches, back to the Cape, whatever. Finally a FEMA camper arrives and we start our 10 month cruise. We call it that because the camper is 8ftX27ft, sort of like a cruise cabin, only smaller. We watch the reconstruction proceed at the pace of a handicapped snail. Especially the painters, they tended to show up around 1030-11 AM, spend an hour drinking coffee and offloading their equipment. Then off to a long lunch, sometimes not to return for a day or 2. Some days they did come back, but would start packing up around 230-3 o'clock. Painting took 5 weeks.

BUT we were back in the house just a little over a year after the storm. At that, our humor had just about run out.

Now you've been well over a year already and still have your sense of humor. You're a saint.

From what I've seen in Biloxi and Gulfport [was there in Aug.06] you might still be a long way away from recovery. But once it is over, the bad memories fade fast. We look back and wonder how we did it [no choice, is how] But it does end and life gets good again. We didn't actual cruise while the repairs dragged on but we have done 25 days of real cruising since moving back in to the house.

 

It will end and the cruising will be real again.

GOOD LUCK!!

 

Dan

[suzy1212]

ROTFL - Be sure and let us know when you do get to cruise the next time. I think a lot of us would love to be on the same cruise with you. :D

[hstrybuf]

What a wonderful sense of humor! Thanks and good luck on your recovery!

[2Ports]

I think I see your mistake - next time book with CCL not FEMA. The staterooms are much larger, the food is edible, and the service is way better. :p

 

I know (almost) just how you feel. :( Been there, doing that. Going to paint my new walls, ceilings, etc. in Dec. then get on the Fantasy to forget about it all - looks like I'll be with the right group for that!

[Rowan555]

Great review. As a fellow New Orleanian, I empathize with you 100%. We've also had too many months of non-cruises here, but we'll be ending that trend this weekend. I've been trying to order a BLT every night for about a year, but they never come. Room service just isn't the same on a non-cruise, is it?

 

As an aside, which you will probably relate to very well... During our 16 hour evacuation drive last year we had NO food or drinks in the car, as we were totally unprepared for that whole mess. We got through the last several hours by pretending to order room service on our "cruise." The kids were STARVING and so were we, but I've got to tell you by the end we were actually TASTING those BLTs and cookies and weird glasses of tea. We were also sitting there stalled on the highway in the rain planning our "shore excursions" and other nonsense. It's amazing how cruising can actually help you get through those wretched non-cruises, isn't it?

[flynrph]

One of the BEST reviews in a long, long, time! And I gotta hand it to you, even with a less than perfect non-cruise, you did not blame Carnival for it being not up to your expectations.

 

For the newbies out there....THIS is the true spirit of a cruise critic junkie! Learn well from jgmpuma! A master has shown us the way!

 

(Good luck and best wishes for your next non-cruise and rebuilding!):cool:

 

Oh, almost forgot, what about the F-Deck?

[cruisingadoptionworker]

I have tears in my eyes from laughing so hard. I am sending you foo foo fairy wishes from the great white north. I am sure your ship will come in soon.

[bluefintuna]

Great to read your non cruise review. You are a real trooper with tenacity. Sure wish FEMA had been kinder to all of you who have suffered so much. We here in New England are aware of the glitches you have encountered and wish for you better days and many more cruises.

[ozland]

What a wonderful thread. Truly, your sense of humor is an inspiration.

 

To all of you who are going through the rebuilding process...I wish you the very best....AND hope there are many wonderful cruises in the future. :)

[jenjens1023]

I have a great sense of humor. Really, I do. But I felt very sad reading this. Am I the only one?

[bookwerm1980]

That was a great review!

[bonniemari]

Bless you and your family-its makes me sick to hear the stories of how the insurance companies are getting away with what they are doing to the people of the Gulf Coast. Over a year and the real victims-thee hard working insurance premium paying people are getting the shaft from these companies.

 

I own a business and several months ago I went to a website that listed ins. co. that were not doing what they had promised when people bought insurance through them. And also the website that list the lawsuit that MS has against these insurance cos. I printed out the list and now I have my speech down pat-when I get the calls soliciting my business I check the list.

If the insurance co. (and most are) they get an earful from me.

 

I tell the person calling that nothing personal against them but there is no way in he^^ that I would ever let their companies insure my business or personal when they can't seem to pay the claims to the people they already should be paying claims to.

 

Hopefully soon you and your family will get to go on a cruise and I really enjoyed your review of your non cruise and look forward to ready your review of the real deal when you get back.