Anyone having guests invite themselves?

[RachieLnnn]

Not sure if I will get many responses since so many of you are having cruise weddings, but I was wondering if anyone had any experience with their guests taking it upon themselves to invite more people to your wedding? Any advice is appreciated.

 

We've invited 230 people to our wedding (room holds 200). We have a TON of out of town guests and expect about 180 people to accept (we went through the list and we able to guestimate fairly accurately). I was extremely nervous about going over by 30 people, but people have assured me that you can expect approximately 20% of your guests to decline, even more if you have OOT folks.

 

My problem now is that we have had three couples decide that their adult children should have been invited, and sent back their RSVP with 4 adults instead of 2 adults, etc. So now, we have 6 extra people invited that we didn't plan on.

 

With things so tight, I'm not sure what to do. Neither my FI or I relish the idea of calling these people and telling them their kids can't come (even though it was terribly rude of them in the first place). One couple has been on the outs with the family for a long time and we are just starting to get friendly again, so I would hate to have it be MY wedding that caused that bridge to burn all over again. :(

 

Any advice??? If we happen to be under 200 people and have the space, I would to have these people come. It's just that more than 200 will not physcially fit in our room!

 

FI thinks we should call and tell them, "due to space restrictions, we want to let you know that so and so may not fit since we are so close to our maximum. However, we would love to have them so if we are under 200 people we will be sure to let you know."

 

We are both extremely non-confrontational so it's going to be tough. I guess my question is, would it be better to raise a warning now, or let them know once we have a final guest count? I would prefer to wait, so that we can avoid the conflict and just do the gracious thing and let them come if there is space.

 

If there isn't space, well then we will have to make calls. But I would rather avoid it if we can (just because like I said, this relationship is just starting to be "good" again and I would hate to rock the boat unneccesarily.)

 

Grrr. Why do people do this??? It's SO RUDE and causes so many problems!!!! (That's my little vent) :mad:

[mandabear]

oh that is tough! I would tend to agree with your finace and give them a gentle "warning" now. You could tell them how you wish you had been able to invite everyone, but because of the size of the room, you had to limit the guest list. I think it's very gracious of you to even offer to have the extra guests if you have room. They should be grateful for that, and if not, I'm sure your wedding will not be the reason they cut ties again... Anyone willing to cut off family over something like this would have eventually found a different reason to cut ties in the future...

 

I'd make the call now instead of springing it on them at the end after they are convinced that their "do-it-yourself" invites worked.

 

just my opinion...no matter happens, don't let it get to you!

[momofsamandeden]

At my first wedding I had quite a problem with extra people showing up! At least you are gettting some warning...:rolleyes: I agree with the OP to tell them that you did not exclude them for any other reason but your room numbers. They should understand. If not then who wants them there in the first place!

[sas80]

Okay - rule of thumb is that the invitation is only meant to actually invite the people it is addressed to.

 

For instance -

for a single friend, you may have addressed the envelope to Mr. Harold Smith and guest.

 

For a married couple (with or without kids) the envelope should be addressed to Mr & Mrs. Harold Smith.

 

For a co habitational couple (with or without kids) the envelope should be addressed to Mr Harold Smith and Miss Jane Watkins.

 

For an all inclusive invitation, the envelope should be addressed to The Smith Family.

 

Were you not clear?

 

In any case, if you were, or were not, clear, I would just put it on ourselves. give them a call and say "So sorry we were obviously not clear. The invitation was only meant to invite person A and person B. We really hate to have to do this but, due to space restrictions, we can only extend the invitation to person A and person B." If you sense hesitation, make it clear that they can get back to you with their response, that you don't need a response right now. And then follow up if you don't hear from them.

 

If people get pissed off and don't speak to you over this then write them off anyways. Weddings are issue-filled enough...guests don't need to go out of their way to add to the stress.

 

But I would stand my ground. If the envelopes were addressed properly, it's really rude for people to start adding guests that were not invited!

[flygirl417]

We had a couple of guests invite themselves, but it wasn't an issue since we're only having aprx 20 guests. I don't think there is much you can do about it when it comes to a cruise/vacation wedding. If they're paying for the trip and especially if they've made their reservations, who are you to say they can't go???

 

I don't know a polite way to address the issue... We did have a couple of people say they couldn't go at the last minute (do to work or money issues), I guess hope for the best that not everyone will show!

[RachieLnnn]

Thanks everyone, for your advice. :)

 

We did address the invitation very clearly (outer envelope as: Mr. and Mrs. Doe) and the inner envelope as "John and Jane" - just as an example). I really think they just wanted their children to come. :mad:

 

My issue is that my mother is putting the pressure on me just to let it go and let them come. We've had people respond "no" that we thought for sure would come, so these extra people would sort of take those spots (if that makes sense).

 

I can see where she is coming from (that most likely there will be extra space), but still...

[rosebud6362]

Don't say anything to them if you have room enough now. Just let it go.

[ErinD92]

One of the couples that is going on our cruise wedding is brining along 16 of their friends/family! I've met some once or twice but am not too worried. They will be be invited to the actual cermeony (I don't think they are actually coming for the wedding anyway)but we will be getting the "perks" sicne they all booked under our cruise number.....

 

Perhaps you can just let them know that the room only holds 200 and you apologize but there just isn't anyway you can make it work...

[ErinD92]

I meant to say that they will NOT be invited to the actual ceremony!

[Weddingal]

Hi RachieLnnn,

 

I'm going through the same exact thing your going through right now, with people inviting themselves to our wedding. Mine isn't a space restriction, mine is a money restriction. But my sister and my FI's sister keep inviting people we don't know (their friends). :(

 

My FI and I are not a confrontational couple either, but for me I finally got fed up of people walking over us in a way. As brides it is not like we don't have a million things to do and a million things going through our heads, we don't need this added stress of people inviting themselves who aren't invited.

 

I think your FI has the right idea by informing them of the room restrictions. Maybe wait till the end of the week, see how many more RSVPs return, it might give you a better idea of how many are coming to your wedding and you might get a few more replys with no. If not, then this weekend make the call and explain the situation.

 

And yes I agree with you...it is so RUDE! I tell my fiance all the time that is people keep being rude, I'm going to get Bridezilla on them :D !

 

Well I hope everything works out. Good Luck!

[RachieLnnn]

Hey thanks weddingal, hope you get everything figured out, too! FWIW, I think if your parents/siblings/friends verbally invite other people, etiqueet-wise, you are under no obligation to send them a paper invite. If it comes up, just say, "Oh, I'm sorry, we would have loved to have you, but I'm afraid my sister didn't realize our budget/space constraints. We're keeping it small."

 

I agree about the added stress, in fact my FI just said the same thing! Why can't people follow the rules? I've received invites that did not include my FI (back when he was "just" my boyfriend) and I didn't call the bride up or send a reply back with an RSVP for him!!! Of course I would have loved for him to be able to come, but I accepted that he wasn't invited and had fun anyway.

 

Our RSVP by date is on the 23rd so I think we are going to hold out until then, or at least this weekend, and see how many no's we have. If we're under, I'm going to just let it go. It's not worth the added stress of having to call these people.

 

Of course, we only have about 1/2 the invites back so far. :rolleyes: I hope we don't have too many calls to make asking people where their RSVP card is...

[SevenWonkas]

Hey! I got married three years ago and I am not planning nor attending a wedding soon, but I just joined the message board recently and this forum sounded fun!

 

I don't have a good answer for you, your situation is rough. I too got upset when people added people in their RSVP that were not invited. What upset me more though were all the people that RSVP'ed yes but didn't show up!! (About 15-20 people out of the 120ish we paid for to attend the reception) And two of those no-shows were guys who added their girlfriend to the RSVP that we didn't even know about

 

Good luck with your decision. Just remember that a portion of people may not show up also.

[RachieLnnn]

Ooh, I would be mad if people just didn't show up!!! :mad: (Of course, if it was an emergency or something, that's different.)

 

You never know with some people though. :rolleyes: I could see it happening, with my own family members, too!

 

Also, to give an update, we only "need" 7 more people to decline in order to be under 200 people... and still need about 100 invites left to receive. So, I think we will be under the number without a problem. I think we are going to just not say anything and let the people come.

 

It still makes me mad, but it's not worth the stress of confronting people about it.

 

I feel guilty for "wanting" people to decline. Of course I would like everyone to be able to come. But I just want the security of knowing we are under 200 people.

 

Ah well, I guess I brought it on myself by inviting over our limit in the first place. :o

 

Thanks everyone for your support. I'll be sure to let you know what the turnout is once we get them all back! (So far, 106 yes, 28 no)

[SevenWonkas]

Ooh, I would be mad if people just didn't show up!!! :mad: (Of course, if it was an emergency or something, that's different.)

 

You never know with some people though. :rolleyes: I could see it happening, with my own family members, too!

 

 

I was upset too... Luckily all the family showed up, it was just some "extras" that didn't.... Some of my husband's coworkers, and some of our parents' coworkers. And neither of us had met some of these coworkers! That's what annoyed me about wedding etiquette... the bride and groom have to invite people that they've never met because they work with their parents... can't the coworkers just look at pictures? :p

I'm glad that the numbers are going to work out for you

[maurick]

We had people that did that to us 30 years agi, Two couples added their young children's names to the card saying they would be there too. They were under 8 years old. My Mom called them up. She was very polite and lbunt saying its was for the couple only. No chiildren would be there. They got the message and didn't bring them.

[RachieLnnn]

Oh, my goodness.

 

So, these people that invited their adult children just called my mom. He said that his wife's sister and brother-in-law are going to be in town for Thanksgiving, and did we think we would have room for them to attend, too? They think "they would enjoy coming, too."

 

I can't believe the audacity of these people. :eek: :mad:

 

I have only met them 2 times in my life (that I can remember). Now they want me to add 2 more people to the list that I've never even met? That I don't even know their names? (We are related to the husband's side)

 

I just still can't believe someone would be so terribly rude.

 

And, and he also said that if there wasn't room, just scratch his 2 adult children (who weren't invited in the first place), and add these 2 new people instead. :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek:

[sas80]

Oh, my goodness.

 

So, these people that invited their adult children just called my mom. He said that his wife's sister and brother-in-law are going to be in town for Thanksgiving, and did we think we would have room for them to attend, too? They think "they would enjoy coming, too."

 

I can't believe the audacity of these people.

 

I have only met them 2 times in my life (that I can remember). Now they want me to add 2 more people to the list that I've never even met? That I don't even know their names? (We are related to the husband's side)

 

I just still can't believe someone would be so terribly rude.

 

And, and he also said that if there wasn't room, just scratch his 2 adult children (who weren't invited in the first place), and add these 2 new people instead. :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek:

 

OMFG! :eek:

 

what are you going to do?!?

[sas80]

This is strictly my own opinion but....

 

These people who invited their children and are now telling you to scratch their kids in favor of the out of towners if there isnt enough room obviously have no interest in sharing anything special about your special day with you!

 

At this point, again, if it were me, I would be returning their call and letting them know that you are not going to have any extra room for their kids or their out of town guests after all.

 

If they then decline your wedding invitation then be sure to graciously say "we understand" as you roll your eyes like this -> :rolleyes:

 

How much more callous can they be? It just doesn't sound like they have any emotional investment in this wedding at all!

[RachieLnnn]

I know! I'm glad I'm not the only person who thinks these people are crazy! They don't know me very well, so they probably are not very "emotionally" excited about the event. I feel they are looking at it as if it is a big party, and they want to get more "tickets". :mad:

 

I think since we will most likely be under our original count (which is great because that is what I was worried about, more than 200 people fitting in the room - I think we'll end up around 180), I may call them up and tell them it is a budget issue!

 

Two people, I don't mind so much, but FOUR??? FI and I are paying for this wedding ourselves (with the exception of my gown, which my parents generously bought for me). We also are paying for the Hawaii honeymoon - with a lot of hard work, overtime, and saving over the last year. :cool:

 

I can't just keep adding people because these other people had a whim that their other relatives might think it was fun to come!

 

Grrrr.

 

Thanks everyone, for your advice/understanding about my rants and raving! I will keep you posted.

[6rugrats]

The reality is, at least in my experience, that most people are not really emotionally involved in your wedding unless they are a close friend or relative. Sounds as if these people just want a free party.

 

IMO, they should have been told in the very beginning, by mail if you wanted to avoid the verbal confrontation, that you would love them to attend, but you couldn't accommodate any additional guests, and that their invitation was for only two people. Also, you could tell them you would miss seeing them at the wedding, but you understood if they had to miss the event if they had guests they needed to entertain. You don't owe them any explanation such as "it's a budget issue". I advise you not to mention this, as it opens the door for even more discussion.

 

It's really better to stop these situations before they get too far out of hand. You have enough stress. Hope this works out for you.

[RachieLnnn]

Thanks. I have an update on the guest issue. The same people called (who wanted to bring four extra people) and said that something else came up, so now none of them are coming. Can you believe that? Sort of makes me feel like *our* event wasn't good enough. Oh well, I guess I sort of lucked out that I don't have to deal with it. I also sort of feel like "good riddance!" to them! :rolleyes:

 

Thanks for everyone's advice on this issue... we'll see if any more issues come up. I hope to have everything finalized by the weekend of Nov. 10th so we can do the seating chart! :)