Need Opinions from Mom's & Dad's

[tkportersat]

Sorry but I don't agree with "you should stay home". Mom's spend their whole lives sacrificing for their children. We feel guilty enough day in and day out when things we have taught our kids don't work the way we intended. Find someone responsible to leave him with or change the locks on the front door if you have to.

[simmingdenise]

Thank you everyone!! Great advice even though it is divided. We talked about it today and the final decision is that he says he doesn't want to go. Big suprise, right;) Typical teenage drama. I explained how once he makes this decision it is not reversable and gave him until the end of April to try and earn it or not. I told him that I know he wants to go and I would love to take him on a vacation...

 

However, nothing he has done has earned one. So I let him know that I would be sending him to stay with someone. I didn't tell him who or when (I think a few days prior) but it will be my parents who live about 100 miles from here and in the middle of nowhere. My Dad is tough and they can more than adequately take care of him for the week.

 

I also told him that it would be his job to explain to his friend why they are not going. He's pretty unresponsive with that false macho exterior but I let him know that I know he is bothered despite what he says on the surface.

 

He is almost a man and it's time he pay the prices for his decisions. Not doing something is a decision too.

 

Again, thanks for the responses.

[celle]

Thank you everyone!! Great advice even though it is divided. We talked about it today and the final decision is that he says he doesn't want to go. Big suprise, right;) Typical teenage drama. I explained how once he makes this decision it is not reversable and gave him until the end of April to try and earn it or not. I told him that I know he wants to go and I would love to take him on a vacation...

 

However, nothing he has done has earned one. So I let him know that I would be sending him to stay with someone. I didn't tell him who or when (I think a few days prior) but it will be my parents who live about 100 miles from here and in the middle of nowhere. My Dad is tough and they can more than adequately take care of him for the week.

 

I also told him that it would be his job to explain to his friend why they are not going. He's pretty unresponsive with that false macho exterior but I let him know that I know he is bothered despite what he says on the surface.

 

He is almost a man and it's time he pay the prices for his decisions. Not doing something is a decision too.

 

Again, thanks for the responses.

 

Well done!

 

Stay strong. Enjoy your cruise.

[bplazo]

I feel for you because the punishment is always harder on the parent.

[celle]

I feel for you because the punishment is always harder on the parent.

 

I agree. I know it's tough. Being a parent is never easy.

 

But the reward comes when your "problem" teenager comes out the other end of development as a pleasant, likeable adult, with whom you can (surprise!) actually be friends!

 

Good luck to the OP and full marks for being brave enough to air her problem and deal with it. (Hugs and encouragement.)

[Warmer Climes]

Thank you everyone!! Great advice even though it is divided. We talked about it today and the final decision is that he says he doesn't want to go. Big suprise, right;) Typical teenage drama. I explained how once he makes this decision it is not reversable and gave him until the end of April to try and earn it or not. I told him that I know he wants to go and I would love to take him on a vacation...

 

However, nothing he has done has earned one. So I let him know that I would be sending him to stay with someone. I didn't tell him who or when (I think a few days prior) but it will be my parents who live about 100 miles from here and in the middle of nowhere. My Dad is tough and they can more than adequately take care of him for the week.

 

I also told him that it would be his job to explain to his friend why they are not going. He's pretty unresponsive with that false macho exterior but I let him know that I know he is bothered despite what he says on the surface.

 

He is almost a man and it's time he pay the prices for his decisions. Not doing something is a decision too.

 

Again, thanks for the responses.

 

That is a good decision. A week with Grandpa may be a real benefit to him. When he really gets his act together you can enjoy a vacation with him.

[Poe97]

You know he's a troublemaker and you're intending to leave him home??? I'd probably cancel the cruise myself, stay home with him, let husband go on cruise with his responsible daughter (I'm assuming this is a "blended family"?)

 

IMHO that is crap. Why should the whole family suffer because your son is a twit. I would send his butt to military school or one of those wilderness boot camps. That will set him straight. If you cancelled your trip because of him that simply sends the message that he is in charge of the family.

[tkportersat]

Glad you were able to figure something out! Sounds like you need this vacation more than ever. Good luck to your family :)

 

Thank you everyone!! Great advice even though it is divided. We talked about it today and the final decision is that he says he doesn't want to go. Big suprise, right;) Typical teenage drama. I explained how once he makes this decision it is not reversable and gave him until the end of April to try and earn it or not. I told him that I know he wants to go and I would love to take him on a vacation...

 

However, nothing he has done has earned one. So I let him know that I would be sending him to stay with someone. I didn't tell him who or when (I think a few days prior) but it will be my parents who live about 100 miles from here and in the middle of nowhere. My Dad is tough and they can more than adequately take care of him for the week.

 

I also told him that it would be his job to explain to his friend why they are not going. He's pretty unresponsive with that false macho exterior but I let him know that I know he is bothered despite what he says on the surface.

 

He is almost a man and it's time he pay the prices for his decisions. Not doing something is a decision too.

 

Again, thanks for the responses.

[klauer]

I agree with everyone who posted about professional evaluation and counseling (and possibly medication). There are plenty of teenage boys that are lazy and unmotivated, but most don't stay out all night or get kicked out of school. I can't see that a week with the grandparents is going to turn everything around. There could be factors such as depression, learning disabilities, etc. that need to be addressed before the behavior can change.

[celle]

I agree with everyone who posted about professional evaluation and counseling (and possibly medication). There are plenty of teenage boys that are lazy and unmotivated, but most don't stay out all night or get kicked out of school. I can't see that a week with the grandparents is going to turn everything around. There could be factors such as depression, learning disabilities, etc. that need to be addressed before the behavior can change.

 

You may be right, and the OP could try this if her current plan produces no improvement.

 

Teenage boys will get away with as much as they are allowed to. Mum has admitted that, up to now, she had been a pushover. Let's try a different management approach before suggesting curing him with analysis, counselling and medication!

[Cuizer2]

A little backstory with no details: I have an 18 year old daughter that absolutely exhausted me, we don't even talk to each other today (drugs, crime, pregnancy, you name it.)

My 16-year old son is going down a similar path and despite me telling him he was grounded last night he took off and was gone all night. He is failing all his classes in school and was sent to an "alternative" school yesterday (basically kicked out of his public school.) No this does not involve ANY drugs or trouble with the law...simply not wanting to do school work or get a job. This kid doesn't want to DO anything...it is much easier for him to do nothing and hang out with his friends. We're even talking about simple chores like taking out the trash or dishes not being done. I've talked and reasoned until I am blue in the face.

OK, I'm not looking for parenting advice on this forum what I'm looking for is an opinion about our upcoming vacation. We plan on going to Disneyland and Paradise for 3 days each. My husbands daughter is graduating from HS and turning 18, this cruise is for her. She works hard, bought her own car, and is passing school on the honor roll (doesn't live with me LOL.) She is bringing a friend on the trip with us.

We told my son he could bring a friend (this was last October) and are paying for him in full. We are booked for everything but still have time to cancel if I go through with my idea. My idea is to tell my son that he has until May 8th (our final cancellation date) to either be passing school and dedicated or have a decent job and be supporting himself (paying minor rent/food/utilities.) If he doesn't fufil one of these requirements he and his friend will be unable to go with us on this trip.

I am consumed with guilt over this and feel like as his mother I could not live with myself by going without him (can anyone say enabler?)

What do fellow cruiser Mom's and Dad's think of this?

 

I think you should be seeking professional advise.

[imsulin]

I think you should be seeking professional advise.

 

I completely agree. I'm having a real problem with your situation, OP. It's just something I never had to deal with while raising my five. Good luck to you!!

[tkportersat]

All kids are different and some go through phases; some get caught up with the wrong crowd. Doesn't always mean they need professional help or medication.

[Cuizer2]

All kids are different and some go through phases; some get caught up with the wrong crowd. Doesn't always mean they need professional help or medication.

 

It doesn't mean they don't either.

[klauer]

I guess that I don't see the downside to a professional evaluation (except maybe monetary if insurance or the school system doesn't pay). I would not assume that a teen is "going through a phase" and will grow out of troublesome behaviors, especially if he/she has an older sibling who is a poor role model. We have all seen where parents have used this strategy with tragic results.

[tkportersat]

I'm aware of that, I lost my first husband to suicide in 2003 and he had a horrible childhood and probably needed therapy.

 

On the other side my son had a first grade teacher that didn't know how to deal with him, she recommended I take him for an evaluation for ADD/ADHD. After 5 minutes with a doctor he had prescribed ritalin. After a month of seeing my son turn into a zombie I threw the pills away. By 3rd grade my son settled down, turned out he was just smart and not being challenged enough.

 

This is up to the parent to decide what to do.

 

It doesn't mean they don't either.

[Cuizer2]

This is up to the parent to decide what to do.

 

Agreed.

[Nebr.cruiser]

I'm glad you found a solution that seems workable. Now, you go, have fun and do NOT feel guilty.

[chipmaster]

Parenting is one of our greatest challengs and responsbilities. There is no easy answer and each case is / can be so different.

 

I'm a believer as a child gets older they are fully responsble for their actions and results.

 

Since a very young age my kids have understood expectations and ramificatons of not meeting some expectations. Some were a shade of grey and some were simply not negotiable. Hopefully as parents thru our actions we have credibility around the rules and expectations.

 

In my house the children wouldn'd be living at home and or for sure not going on vacation with me.

 

Given your short story I think get over the guilt. You need to decide as a parent whether you will take him or not, and it has nothing to do with him meeting or improvming. ( I don't think he is going to change no matter what you say or what law you make ).

 

My take on changing any behavior fundamentally goes far beyond a simple contract. It really takes almost a full month of tough love/change for every year of a person; 18 years = 18 months, and for a old dog like me 4 years to change a habit.

 

 

Good luck!

 

A little backstory with no details: I have an 18 year old daughter that absolutely exhausted me, we don't even talk to each other today (drugs, crime, pregnancy, you name it.)

My 16-year old son is going down a similar path and despite me telling him he was grounded last night he took off and was gone all night. He is failing all his classes in school and was sent to an "alternative" school yesterday (basically kicked out of his public school.) No this does not involve ANY drugs or trouble with the law...simply not wanting to do school work or get a job. This kid doesn't want to DO anything...it is much easier for him to do nothing and hang out with his friends. We're even talking about simple chores like taking out the trash or dishes not being done. I've talked and reasoned until I am blue in the face.

OK, I'm not looking for parenting advice on this forum what I'm looking for is an opinion about our upcoming vacation. We plan on going to Disneyland and Paradise for 3 days each. My husbands daughter is graduating from HS and turning 18, this cruise is for her. She works hard, bought her own car, and is passing school on the honor roll (doesn't live with me LOL.) She is bringing a friend on the trip with us.

We told my son he could bring a friend (this was last October) and are paying for him in full. We are booked for everything but still have time to cancel if I go through with my idea. My idea is to tell my son that he has until May 8th (our final cancellation date) to either be passing school and dedicated or have a decent job and be supporting himself (paying minor rent/food/utilities.) If he doesn't fufil one of these requirements he and his friend will be unable to go with us on this trip.

I am consumed with guilt over this and feel like as his mother I could not live with myself by going without him (can anyone say enabler?)

What do fellow cruiser Mom's and Dad's think of this?

[donaldsc]

Why ruin your vacation for the rest of your family by taking your kids from hell. If you get back and he is jail, you have done your best.

 

DON

[baffy]

Your son's attitude and behaviour is really a completely independant issue from the cruise. There seems to be a serious communication issue going on. From what you say your son seems to be a good kids maybe a little low on self estem and confidence. Perhaps some family counselling would help the 2 of you communicate together. This would do wonder for you guys long term. It certainly helped me, I now have a great relationship with my daughters, but they are my daughters not my friends and I treat them as such.

 

Regarding the cruise, we take out daughers out of school for 1 week on vacaton every year, with one condition, they remain on the honor role. If there marks are not good enough they cannot afford to miss school. So definitely you need to let him know he has a choice...go to school and get good grades or find a job and stay with it long term.

 

We are raising adults not children for every action there are concequences, good action bring good consequequences and bad actions bring bad concequences...

 

JMHO

[room010]

I think a week with tough grandpa in the middle of nowhere is an excellent plan. This kid has got the whole family dancing to his tune and rewarding his bad grades and behaviour with a cruise or, even better, a week home alone to party and Lord knows what else is a Win-Win for him. And he knows it.

 

Instead of rushing out to therapists, analysis and the modern parent's point of first resort, medication :rolleyes: I think it more likely you are dealing with a fairly standard 15-yr old with 'attitude' who's been allowed to get away with too much for too long.

 

When he realises that Mom isn't a pushover any more (and you won't be, right?) he will be furious but make your plan and stick to it like glue. When he sees that you aren't going to back down or be manipulated he will probably figure out that his life (and everyone else's) will be much easier if he falls into line. Be his parent instead of his best friend and he'll end up respecting you for it - eventually :D

[tkportersat]

Good post! Verbalized everything I was thinking but for some reason couldn't figure out how to say :o.

 

I think a week with tough grandpa in the middle of nowhere is an excellent plan. This kid has got the whole family dancing to his tune and rewarding his bad grades and behaviour with a cruise or, even better, a week home alone to party and Lord knows what else is a Win-Win for him. And he knows it.

 

Instead of rushing out to therapists, analysis and the modern parent's point of first resort, medication :rolleyes: I think it more likely you are dealing with a fairly standard 15-yr old with 'attitude' who's been allowed to get away with too much for too long.

 

When he realises that Mom isn't a pushover any more (and you won't be, right?) he will be furious but make your plan and stick to it like glue. When he sees that you aren't going to back down or be manipulated he will probably figure out that his life (and everyone else's) will be much easier if he falls into line. Be his parent instead of his best friend and he'll end up respecting you for it - eventually :D

[mommyof3girls]

I work with adolescents involved in the juvenile justice system, etc...I think that your plan is a good one. He is not a baby. He can understand consequences. You just have to stick to it! Give him the boundary and tell him that it is up to him to make a choice! Not to mention that the right choice would lead to a better future..but for now, maybe stick to the cruise!!

 

Good luck!!!!

[LynneL]

...I am consumed with guilt over this and feel like as his mother I could not live with myself by going without him (can anyone say enabler?)

What do fellow cruiser Mom's and Dad's think of this?

 

I would do just the opposite. Assuming he doesn't shape up before then, I would go on the cruise and leave your son at home. Let him see that his actions caused him to lose out on this vacation. If he gets in trouble while you're gone, then let him face the consequences on his own. But I see no reason why you should have to deny yourself this vacation....

 

I must say, you sound very overwhelmed by your children. I think kids sometimes sense this & rather than having compassion, they know you are too worn to fight them & use it to their advantage. Sometimes too kids feel like when they act good they're not really noticed because that is the way they should be, while the squeaky wheel (the daughter) is getting "the grease" or attention.

 

You've mentioned you are an enabler. If your child is now in an alternative school I would think they have a staff of counselors. I worked in one for over 5 years and we had a caring counseling staff. Having parents being involved in the theaputic aspect of the program & putting kids on the right path is what they begged for. I suggest you give the alternative school a call first thing Monday morning and ask can you come in and speak with someone for help in making your son more responsible for his actions in school and at home and advising you on how not to be an enabler. It's sure not easy but can you really see yourself continuing as you are with your 2 kids acting out of control? Only you know how all this drama is panning out between your husband and you.

 

With regard to letting your son stay home & the suggestion if he gets into trouble he'll face the consequences. While I agree with the facing the consequences, never leave a 16 yr. old home with the hopes that a friend's parents are going to be letting him stay overnight. Good chance he'll lie to them & say he's staying somewhere else one night or that they'll just feel like they're not dealing with this if this was an open-ended type arrangement. I can guarantee you your son would invite friends over and, at the very least, there will be underage drinking going on in your home. Guarantee it!!!! Not even saying he'll supply the booze but someone will bring it. I don't know the law in AZ, but as far as I know in NY if you left a 16 yr. old home alone and there is underage drinking in your house, and some kid gets injured or drives off drunk and injures/kills someone else you will be held liable. So, you'd be facing the consequences of his actions too.

 

Don't feel guilty for going without him, even if he wanted to join you. Life is all about paying for your actions. Better he learn just by not going on a cruise, which is minor, rather than doing something stupid and winding up with an arrest record. Good luck to you and make this cruise about the one who earned it.