Mr Toad’s Baltic Adventure

[ToadOfToadHall]

Queen Victoria – Baltics & St Petersburg September 2013

 

Mr and Mrs Toad were on almost the same cruise this time last year, and as we enjoyed that one very much indeed, and with those handy Getaway fares now available (which reward the late booker and abuse the loyal, early bookers) it was rude to leave it – so we took Cunard up on it; ending up with a slightly higher grade of Britannia balcony than last year, but for almost half the price.

 

Standards Of Dress

 

I saw no slippage in dress standards from last year, in fact, it may have been slightly better; in the MDR I did not see a single chap without a jacket, some wore ties, some did not. I had been concerned about this having read several comments about poorness of dress in the evenings, but, at least on this cruise, this was simply not the case.

 

Dinner

 

We asked for a table for 2 on the late (20:30) sitting and of course knew that booking a Getaway fare, you get what you are given; we were given a table for 2 on the late sitting.

 

Dinner in the MDR is pretty good, but they pull the stroke of putting the best options on the same evening, so some evening’s choices are good, others not.

 

Another stroke I noticed was that the choices have been reduced, but they cleverly disguise this by mixing them in with the less favourable options. For example, at first glance, there appears to be a choice of 6 starters and 6 mains. Look again – not so. For starters, there are indeed 6 choices, but 3 were always soups, so that only leaves 3 proper starters (soup is not food because you don’t need teeth to eat it). I’m sure that soup used to be listed as a separate course, but by listing the soups with the solid food items it makes the choices look bigger than they actually are.

 

For mains, the same slight of hand trick is employed; 6 options, but 3 are the vegetarian options, so again, only 3 proper choices. But, mix them together and, hey presto, you create the illusion of a bigger menu; clever eh ?

 

The quality is quite reasonable, but it is mass catering (but of course it has to be). Beef features very heavily as does smoked salmon for starters. We were given our menus by our waiters, so I’ve added them up;

 

14 nights; 10 nights had a beef dish, all 14 nights a fish dish, 3 nights a lamb dish and 4 a chicken dish and 5 nights a pork dish. Again, out of 14 nights, 8 night’s starters were some kind of smoked salmon affair.

 

But, as I say, the food is still good, some of my mains were not so brilliant (baby chicken, lamb cutlet with a soggy lamb spring roll being poor). But the fillet steak and prime rib were first rate. Also, quite surprising, the amount and variety of vegetables and potatoes had increased from last year, there are still not masses of them, but that’s good.

 

Lunch

 

We had lunch a few times in the MDR; the choices were limited, most of the starters were a bit lacking, so I often went from just a main course. Mrs Toad seemed happier than I with the lunch options. Again, quality was fine, options were mainly light.

 

Lido

 

I only ventured once into the Lido, and that was to get a glass of lemonade. It is, quite literally, a bun fight. People were milling about, not knowing which way to turn, so they often went round in circles, before finally breaking free and arriving, quite randomly, at an empty table.

 

Breakfast

 

Because of my view of the Lido, we always had breakfast in the MDR. It starts off okay, but as the days went on, I lost the will to eat. Breakfast in the MDR is staggering boring; it never changes. The cooked breakfast (i.e. “Full English”) options consist of Aldi’s finest quality beans, bacon and sausage and so on. It looks pitiful and that’s because it is. But they do do a good omelette, and I’m told the Eggs Benedict is good. But there’s only so many ham, cheese and mushroom omelettes you can eat, so in the end, as I said, I gave up.

 

Toast

 

What is going on there ? The white toast tastes of nothing, unless you count cardboard as a flavour – which I don’t. The brown toast is marginally better; it does have some taste, just.

 

Tea And Coffee

 

“I’ll have a cup of your finest warm water with some brown grit in it, Mrs Miggins, unless, by some miracle, your coffee shop has actually started to sell coffee”.

 

No matter the location or time of day, the coffee was appalling. It tastes of nothing at all. It’s brown water. Tea, which I’d only drink if I was dying of thirst in the desert, I was informed by more than one person, also tastes of almost nothing at all.

 

Afternoon Tea

 

I do like afternoon tea, and it pleasing to say it very good. Everything is fine (apart from the coffee of course). It’s rather good to sit in the Queens Room and be served your sandwiches, cakes and scones. It has changed a bit from last year; last year they just kept feeding you until you said “stop” or left. Now they tend to cease after 2 goes with the sandwiches and the same with the cakes.

 

Crisps and Canapés

 

A like crisps. But 14 nights of plain kettle crisps was just too much for me to stand. What about a hula-hoop ? Or some Monster Munch ? Or just some cheese and onion ? Anything other than plain. And the Canapés; 14 nights of the same sort of thing – it does get tedious.

 

Music

 

There’s plenty of live music around the ship; harpist, string quartet, various pianists, jazz band etc. It’s mainly classical, played with at afternoon tea or in the early or late evening. I like that – very civilised indeed.

 

Lectures

 

I went to almost all the lectures. There were 2 speakers, one was a diplomat and he spoke about the Olympics and the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee. The other speaker was a former navy officer and then pilot and he spoke on history (first world war and Captain Bligh). Both were really good, well presented and interesting. They each lasted 45 minutes, which was about the right length of time, but you could certainly have made more out of each one; especially the Olympics which could have been made into two lectures. But, I suppose there are only so many see days, so that’s the limiting factor.

 

Staff

 

Almost all the staff are excellent. The dining room staff are friendly and efficient, both our waiter, his assistant and the wine waiter. The bar staff were also all excellent in the Golden Lion, the Commodore and the Chart Room. How anyone can have any complaint is beyond me; the only exception are the staff in the Café Carinthia – they are next to useless, so much so that we walked out after failing to be served after 20 minutes. That never happened in any other part of the ship, where you were severed almost instantly.

 

Fellow Passengers (not Guests)

 

Firstly, Cunard, I’m a passenger, I’m not a guest. Do you charge guests ? No you don’t. So either I pay (and hence that makes me a passenger) or I don’t (in which case that makes me a guest).

 

We’re been on 4 Cunard cruises over the last 5 years, so we’re now five years older than the first time we went, so you’d think that would mean we were getting closer to the average age of our fellow passengers. Wrong. On this cruise there was a staggering number of people whom I’m amazed are still alive. Firstly, because of their age, but also because of their stupidity – I’m surprised some people have gotten to the age they have. Thousands of years ago, they would have been eaten by a lion at a young age because they did not have the mental capacity to run out of the way, but now, somehow, they manage to survive.

 

But others were great; we met some very interesting people.

 

If you were on the late sitting for dinner, then you may well have seen The Crown Prince of Sweden and his lady wife or the Arch Duke of Austria and his companion. Someone did suggest they were a plant, maybe from an amateur dramatics society. The gentlemen, on formal nights, wore a dinner jacket with what looked like medals on it, but actually were huge pieces of jewellery in the shape of Maltese Crosses. His lady wore a tiara and they walked, in step, together, with her holding onto his outstretched arm. I assumed they were announced when they entered the dining room, but as we followed on a few minutes each evening, I missed that bit.

 

Also, possibility because of the advancing years of the majority of the passengers, the public areas were kept at the temperature of an oven. The Golden Lion and the MDR was terrible; maybe air con costs more to run than the central heating ?

 

For Your Convenience a Nominal Charge Will Apply

 

Everything is for “your convenience” it seems. The daily charge of 11 dollars or so is “for your convenience”, the 15% service charge is “for your convenience”. No, it’s for “our convenience”, which does not really bother me that much, I just hate being taken for a gullible fool.

 

And, all charges are “nominal”. “A nominal $40” for the wine tasting, and “a nominal $80” for the champagne tasting. It would appear my definition of nominal and Cunard’s definition are at variance with each other; I prefer the accepted dictionary definition of the word “nominal”, whilst Cunard prefer an alternative one that no one else is aware of.

 

Ports Of Call

 

The highlight for most people is, of course, St Petersburg. We actually stayed on board for these two days as we’d been before as there are only so many palaces and museums you can look at.

 

Stockholm is very smart; very affluent and very clean. It was by far the best place we visited. Copenhagen is rather like London, only more expensive. Helsinki is okay, it even has Chuggers, just like we do – a real home from home.

 

Tallinn’s Old Town is a medieval theme park. It is quite simply a hideous place. It’s almost as if all the building were completed last week and then opened to the public

 

Warnemunde; now there’s an odd place. It’s a Germany Whitby. It even has bucket and spade and postcode shops. It’s actually not a bad place; at least it’s real, unlike Tallinn, which, as I say, was made last week.

 

Finally we visited Kristiansand; Again, it’s rather like Warnemunde, it’s a small town that’s only really there because cruise ships stop there. But both places have the plus that you can simply walk off the ship and you are there.

 

Another thing is that our ship docked is less favourable places than others; it’s like we could have parked the car in the town centre multi-story but instead we chose to use the out of town park-and-ride.

 

Casino

 

I’m amazed this place is still kept really. Surely the accountants have worked out that no one uses the place ? I saw the odd person playing the slot machines (which I’m sure have not changed in at least the last 5 years), and I did not see anyone playing on the tables. I can’t believe it will last much longer – it’s dead plant. But, not to miss a trick, you could buy a pack of used Cunard playing cards for $2, which is odd because I never once saw a card being dealt.

 

Incredible Shrinking Chocolate

 

For “my convenience” I’ve taken a picture (see attachment). Someone must have worked out that they give out 2000 chocolates a day, 365 days of the year, that’s 530,000 a year. So if they reduce the size by about 40% they can save countless pennies.

 

Tat Sales

 

Once again, Cunard came up trumps with the tat sales. China’s finest tat was available for all and it was snapped up. They even had a grand tat sale count-down. After St Petersburg, the 3 day count-down began, and the Captain opened the car-boot sale in the Queens Room on the stroke of 9 AM.

 

Assorted Cheapness

 

Two nights had a “theme”. One was Russia (fair enough), and the other was “James Bond”. Where did that come from I wonder ? What has James Bond got to do with anything ? But all these themes consisted of was the placing of a folded A4 laser printed sheet of paper on the tables in a vain attempt to flog you some cocktails.

 

In Conclusion

 

I know it looks like I’m pulling Cunard to bits; I’m not, I actually rather like it. I like the formality and I like the dress code and I love the Commodore Club in the evening when I feels I’ve been transported back to the 1930s and I keep expecting to hear Bertie Wooster shout “What-ho!” as he enters.

 

It’s just that they do let themselves down with the tat, the coffee cards, the tacky theme nights with laser printed drinks menus and so on. Why do they do that ?

 

Okay, Cunard is not an exclusive boutique, it's more like an upmarket department store (Lewis’s or Debenhams) but somehow they keep gravitating to Primark every so often.

[andhow]

Okay, Cunard is not an exclusive boutique, it's more like an upmarket department store (Lewis’s or Debenhams) but somehow they keep gravitating to Primark every so often.

 

Very good critique - shall we wait for the naysayers?

 

So long as they don't go down the road of Matalan or Aldi?

 

andhow

[alibabacruisers]

Thank you for your review. My husband was laughing so much when I read your comments about the stupidity of some passengers.

[Aussieflyer]

Thank you for the great review, Toad. There are some worrying trends emerging by the look of it but glad the overall experience is still good. Not happy about the chocolates though :(

[pepperrn]

... Not happy about the chocolates though :(

Hi Aussieflyer,

 

At least the old size was easy to see, late at night... the new version is so easy to miss... :eek:

 

I'd also noted the smaller "pillow" chocolate (that were placed halfway down the bed, never on the pillow). At first I thought "another cut-back", but then decided that:

A. I never eat them in bed after I've cleaned my teeth. Which means that I eat them the next day (if at all). Do I really need to eat tiny piece of indifferent chocolate after breakfast? ;)

B. I'd go without the bed-time chocolate and the "welcome-back bottle of drain-cleaner" in order to keep toiletries supplied in the bathroom and a choice of petit four at dinner. :)

 

Now to congratulate the Toad on a great report :) !

 

All best wishes,

[pepperrn]

Hi ToadOfToadHall,

 

Let me say how much I enjoyed reading your witty and informative report, had me smiling/laughing almost all the way through! :)

Queen Victoria – Baltics & St Petersburg September 2013 Mr and Mrs Toad were on almost the same cruise this time last year, ... with those handy Getaway fares now available (which reward the late booker and abuse the loyal, early bookers)... ending up with a slightly higher grade of Britannia balcony than last year, but for almost half the price...

Surely even the short-sighted bean-counters (never known as the "brightest of bulbs in the box") must have worked out by now what a massive mistake they made with the vantage/getaway fare structure? Or do enough new people book vantage fares to keep the whole con afloat? I've benefited from getaway fares (amazingly so on one voyage :) ), but it must be commercial suicide to continue with it?

Standards Of Dress I saw no slippage in dress standards from last year, in fact, it may have been slightly better...

Great news!

Dinner We asked for a table for 2 on the late sitting and of course knew that booking a Getaway fare, you get what you are given; we were given a table for 2 on the late sitting...

Further great news. I've been told several times that late seating diners are more likely to get their choice. So many want early seating that they often "get what they are given" in table-size and are frequently moved to late seating.

...Another stroke I noticed was that the choices have been reduced,...

I noted that a choice of two salads has become no choice... but with a choice of dressings.

... We were given our menus by our waiters...

Did you have to ask, or were they simply handed over?

Lido I only ventured once into the Lido... People were milling about, not knowing which way to turn, so they often went round in circles, before finally breaking free and arriving, quite randomly, at an empty table.

The Kings Court on QM2 comes in for a lot of stick, with many praising the (much smaller) Lidos on QV/QE. However, I've wondered if even the simplest of layouts (a quiet, empty Lido with plates of food followed by one large cleared table alongside the cutlery tray) would confuse certain people...

Breakfast Because of my view of the Lido, we always had breakfast in the MDR.

Likewise.

...I’m told the Eggs Benedict is good...

I can confirm this. And I carry out daily quality control tests whenever I am on board.

Tea And Coffee No matter the location or time of day, the coffee was appalling. It tastes of nothing at all. It’s brown water.

Thank goodness that my coffee (as essential to me as breathing) was good on QM2. I do hope that they haven't changed suppliers... :eek:

Staff Almost all the staff are excellent. The dining room staff are friendly and efficient, both our waiter, his assistant and the wine waiter. The bar staff were also all excellent in the Golden Lion, the Commodore and the Chart Room. How anyone can have any complaint is beyond me; the only exception are the staff in the Café Carinthia – they are next to useless, so much so that we walked out after failing to be served after 20 minutes.

Exactly my experience on QM2 in Sir Samuels on a couple of occasions, except that I waited while they grew the coffee beans...

That never happened in any other part of the ship, where you were severed almost instantly.

I do hope not ;)

Fellow Passengers (not Guests) Firstly, Cunard, I’m a passenger, I’m not a guest. Do you charge guests ? No you don’t. So either I pay (and hence that makes me a passenger) or I don’t (in which case that makes me a guest).

Well said.

... On this cruise there was a staggering number of people whom I’m amazed are still alive. Firstly, because of their age, but also because of their stupidity – I’m surprised some people have gotten to the age they have. Thousands of years ago, they would have been eaten by a lion at a young age because they did not have the mental capacity to run out of the way, but now, somehow, they manage to survive...

To be fair to Cunard you see them everywhere, brain-power so feeble that the body concentrates all available resources into breathing and heart functions. Nothing remains for decision making and awareness of other people (or lions).

Tat Sales Once again, Cunard came up trumps with the tat sales. China’s finest tat was available for all and it was snapped up. They even had a grand tat sale count-down. After St Petersburg, the 3 day count-down began, and the Captain opened the car-boot sale in the Queens Room on the stroke of 9 AM...

Couldn't agree more. And yet... if no-one bought the tat, it would soon stop... but watching the elderly, overly-rouged munchkins fighting over "China's finest" while on my way to a bar, has become a source of great wonder and amusement to me.

In Conclusion I know it looks like I’m pulling Cunard to bits; I’m not, I actually rather like it. I like the formality and I like the dress code and I love the Commodore Club in the evening when I feels I’ve been transported back to the 1930s and I keep expecting to hear Bertie Wooster shout “What-ho!” as he enters. It’s just that they do let themselves down with the tat, the coffee cards, the tacky theme nights with laser printed drinks menus and so on. Why do they do that ? Okay, Cunard is not an exclusive boutique, it's more like an upmarket department store (Lewis’s or Debenhams) but somehow they keep gravitating to Primark every so often.

Love this esp. So very true.

 

Thank you Mr Toad for a great report, brilliant, witty, informative and well-written :) Can't wait for your next review!

 

All best wishes to you and Mrs Toad.

[capnpugwash]

Very nice review; I agree with you entirely about the tat sales but was told by the wife of a former Cunard captain from the 1950s that the trestle tables littering the passageways on board were always a feature of the ships as "they were so popular with guests". It seems bizarre to me but maybe in those heady days it wasn't all imported from the Chinese.

[Aussieflyer]

Hi Aussieflyer,

 

At least the old size was easy to see, late at night... the new version is so easy to miss... :eek:

 

B. I'd go without the bed-time chocolate and the "welcome-back bottle of drain-cleaner" in order to keep toiletries supplied in the bathroom and a choice of petit four at dinner. :)

 

Absolutely - I cannot stand that cheap "all purpose" indeterminate liquid in the shower that some ships and hotels use. Have a short RCI cruise coming up and that is one thing I have complained vociferously about. Cheap, cheap, cheap! (And there are no bathrobes for non-suite passengers except Diamond and above!).

 

And pepper, thank you. I did so like reading your comments on Mrs Toad's excellent review. I particularly enjoyed the image of the over-rouged munchkins fighting over the excellent quality goods at the high-quality bargain sales.

[MawganTr]

'Ditto' to the review - except to change the itinerary to Norway, 7 nights in August. We commented on the latest coffee - undrinkable. The only coffee that we enjoyed was in the verandah. Cafe carinthia - slow and disinterested staff - we had the nickname of 'smiler' for one of the especially sullen looking waiters. And as for the 'special chance to buy Norway souvenirs' jumble sale - having had 4 ports of call all selling exactly the same stuff I can't understand the throngs of bargain hunters!

As with the op, we love cruising with Cunard, the elegance, luxury, the people we've met, the food (& yes, as regular, everyday people the food is a lot better than that which we get at home!).

 

 

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD

[Rileyspike]

Thanks for the review I thoroughly enjoyed reading it, very funny and witty.

 

I totally agree with you in regards to the tat that is put on trestle tables blocking the passageways! I have never understood why so many people are crowded round them on a daily basis, surely not everyone is having a tackiest gift competition? Why cant the tat be restricted to the gift shop?

[Whitemarsh]

An excellent and balanced review Mr Toad, and very funny too. On a personal note I am very happy to hear that the dress code is being adhered to.

 

And pepper, thank you. I did so like reading your comments on Mr Toad's excellent review.

 

As did I.

 

I particularly enjoyed the image of the over-rouged munchkins fighting over the excellent quality goods at the high-quality bargain sales.

 

Same. :D

 

As with the op, we love cruising with Cunard, the elegance, luxury, the people we've met, the food (& yes, as regular, everyday people the food is a lot better than that which we get at home!).

 

My situation exactly. It does make me wonder what some of the "complainers" eat at home - Pheasant Under Glass maybe?

[Lynnewob]

It was lovely to have met you on board Mr and Mrs Toad and agree with your comments about that tat tables wholeheartedly.

 

Your comments about Warnemunde were spot on - it was very much like an English seaside resort - typically the weather was the same too which didn't make it much more endearing. However, one saving grace was the price of beer in the stores to stock up on supplies.

 

The casino on this particular voyage was much quieter than normal as we tend to spend our evenings in there - only 2 (sometimes 3) tables open at one time, whereas on other voyages all tables were open. They generally closed the casino earlier than normal too, with us being the last ones in there. The ship dies after midnight where I fear everyone turns into pumpkins. A couple, 2 doors from our cabin, could be heard constantly shouting at each other as I don't think they turned their hearing aids on and I genuinely felt sorry for their neighbours if we could hear them that far away. Their do not disturb sign was never off the door, so I don't think they left the cabin to give the neighbours any peace. The "gentleman" also commented on the Mein Schiff ship when we sailed passed it leaving Copenhagen "bloody Germans" which I'm sure they could hear over the ships whistles too. It was also comical to see Union Jack flags being waved at the ship too - not sure how the Germans took that one!

 

We were exceptionally lucky with the weather (except the first 3 sea days and Warnemunde) so were very pleased with our first Baltic outing.

 

Now to dieting

[fantasy51]

I have fond memories of Warnemunde, from a Princess cruise. I'd done a lot of research and really enjoyed being adventurous. I took 2 trains, followed by a steam road train, and then spent an hour at a seaside resort, drinking coffee in the sun, before returning.

 

On the train I met people who were excited to have a cruise ship in town: 'My mother told me the ship was in and I'm travelling on the train to see it.' I also heard from people there (and people in one of the other ports) that we had a serious illness on board the ship. (Later staff confirmed that some staff members were confined to their cabins to stop the spread of infection after the last voyage.) Then late at night our ship left as a band played on the pier. (Unfortunately I was too weary and went to bed and missed it.) I like Warnemunde!

[MGillie]

An absolutely brilliant review - we were both laughing out loud and also brilliant comments Pepper. My husband reports that the coffee on QM2 was excellent - I do hope they are not switching to the coffee used on P&O which is (apparently) ghastly!

 

Regarding the bedtime chocolates - we can report, following a taste test - having brought them home - that save for the wrapper the Cunard & P&O chocolates are identical.

[Pushka]

Please Aussieflyer, if the rouge is too bright, don't be afraid to let me know. :eek:

 

I can't resist a bargain table. :o

 

Thank you for the report Mr Toad. And your excellent comments pepperrn.

[Aussieflyer]

I am looking forward to observing you (you little Munchkin) fighting it out with the best of them for the bargains :D

Personally I think a bit of over-rouge lends a certain 'je ne sais quoi' to a person's sophisticated appearance.

[Pushka]

I wish there was a 'like' function on these boards. :p

 

I think the over punched rouge and the icky lipstick might be a bit much though.

[pepperrn]

I wish there was a 'like' function on these boards. I think the over punched rouge and the icky lipstick might be a bit much though.

Hi Pushka,

Far to much rouge, and "icky lipstick", is apparently fine on a munchkin, from my observations of this major Cunard passenger demographic, as long as it is teamed with dramatic and lacquered coiffure, and spectacles designed to resemble the rear-end of a 50s Cadillac ;) .

All best wishes,

[Pushka]

Hi Pushka,

Far to much rouge, and "icky lipstick", is apparently fine on a munchkin, from my observations of this major Cunard passenger demographic, as long as it is teamed with dramatic and lacquered coiffure, and spectacles designed to resemble the rear-end of a 50s Cadillac ;) .

All best wishes,

 

Ooh. So my diamanté lanyard would work then? Or I might find one on the tables. :p

[Aussieflyer]

Pushka, are you modelling yourself on Dame Edna Everage??

 

Plenty of coiffed hair and bling there!

[Louise D]

Ooh. So my diamanté lanyard would work then? Or I might find one on the tables. :p

 

You really are obsessing about these diamanté lanyards, aren't you? I think I will need to write a whole new chapter in the Fashion Police manual to deal with you, Pushka.

 

If you are very nice, I will send you an advance copy (under plain envelope, of course). However, you must promise you will not pass it on to any of the over-rouged munchkins with whom you so enthusiastically consort.

[Pushka]

I think I need counselling. :)

[Whitemarsh]

I think I need counselling. :)

 

Before you seek counselling, could you please update your signature with this: :)

 

[Aussieflyer]

Love it Whitemarsh :)

 

I am looking forward to seeing the diamonte lanyard. I am sure it will be very tasteful (in keeping with QM2 and the bargain sales)

[Pushka]

Before you seek counselling, could you please update your signature with this: :)

 

 

Where is the bling? :eek: I think it's fixed now. ;)

 

Mr Toad, I reread your original post and so agree with the words "for your convenience". Our bank recently closed our Branch located three offices from our work. However, for our convenience, they directed us to a Branch that already existed, and had terrible parking and we never went there.