Glory, Glory, Halle...Uh Oh! Review of My Glory Trip 4-20-14

[Writerfl]

Pre-note: I originally intended to release this review in pieces at decent and respectable intervals. I just a) finished the review and b) booked a last minute four-day on Ecstasy so the plan's changed. Commencing Brain Dump in 3...2...1...

 

Glory, Glory, Halle...Uh, Oh.

 

This is my review of the Glory's April 20, 2014 sailing to Nassau, St. Thomas, San Juan and Grand Turk Full Disclosure: This isn't going to be your typical “God, I loved this cruise! Yay Glory! Yay Carnival! Yay Me!” review. Firstly, it's more of a travelogue than a review and includes stuff I think you'll either want to know or find interesting. Second, there were significant problems here, some I caused myself, others that landed on me like the Bluebird of Happiness taking a long delayed dump. It's as complete as I can make it and as honest as I can recall. There's also some post-cruise dialog with Carnival which I'll summarize at the end.

 

This is also a very loooooong review and has few pictures. I'm sorry about that, but either I or my camera malfunctioned and the memory card came home blank. I did take a few decent cameraphone pics and have included them. I've also broken the review into (chapters? installments? chunks?) and will post them at reasonable intervals. In addition, I've divided the review up into “me” stuff and “ship” stuff and will try to alternate them. If my personal travails irritate you, skip em. If they amuse you, read on. Just remember, this is as much travelogue as it is review.

 

Herein lies the tale:

 

I live in the Florida Keys. It's just a two hour jaunt up the U.S.1 to PortMiami and I have a fair amount of time on my hands, so this was my fifth solo cruise since early February. The past cruise summary: Norwegian Sky (meh). Carnival Victory (fan-freaking-tastic). Carnival Conquest (Very, very good). Carnival Victory Part Deux (as good as the first, maybe better). Carnival Glory...

 

On one of the Victory cruises and on Conquest I booked “Stateroom Guarantee”. It worked out great, with really, really nice cabin assignments, so I did it again on Glory. Bad move. Two days after booking through a TA, I found out that I was assigned cabin 6406. Checked the map and discovered that the cabin was right on top of White Heat nightclub, also known as the Boom Boom Room. On-line cabin reviews were horrific.

 

Let me be clear about this. I dug this hole. I picked a Guarantee stateroom, nobody twisted my arm and it was my own greed that led me to the decision. I blame nobody other than myself. That being said, this was to be my sixth cruise with Carnival since 1999, and my fourth this year alone. It would also be my Gold qualification cruise. I called my TA, who called Carnival and asked that I be reassigned. Not a specific cabin request, just throw me back into the pool. Nope. Tried again next day. Nope. Tried a third time. Negative, Ghost Rider.

 

That was Carnival's right under the fare and contract. I don't dispute it in the slightest. I hoped, however that they would show a little flexibility to a long time customer and high-frequency traveler with them. It was like talking to a rock. You can chatter all you want, but the rock ain't listening and it ain't gonna move.

 

That left only one option and cancellation wasn't it, as I booked the cruise only 40 days out. The remaining option was to board the ship and immediately ask to be reassigned. If they were unable or unwilling to do so and the cabin was as bad as anticipated, I could always take the Vacation Guarantee in the morning.

 

Next Up: About Da Ship

Edited May 25, 2014 by Writerfl

[Writerfl]

About Da Ship

 

April 20 I drove up to Miami, parked at an off-site lot and caught the Shuttle to the ship. Forty-five minutes later I was aboard, so I put my bags in the cabin and went straight to Guest Services. I politely explained my situation and asked that if there was another cabin available I would like to be moved. The young lady looked at the complaint history for that cabin and was obviously appalled. They moved me to cabin 8312, which I was assured would not have the noise issues 6406 did. And they were right, for almost 18 hours.

 

But this IS a review, so let's talk ship. Glory is a twin to Conquest, at least structurally. She was built in 2003 and last dry-docked in 2012 for Funship 2.0 conversion. She's 952 feet long, 116 feet wide and has 14 passenger-accessible decks for 2,974 passengers. She's fully Funship 2.0 so she has the requisite Guy's Burgers and Blue Iguana Cantina as well as the Blue Iguana Bar and Red Frog Pub on Lido deck. Deck 5 has the EA Sports Bar too.

 

Out on deck she has four pools (one for the kiddies at Camp Carnival) and a plethora of hot tubs, which were always full. There's a bar in the far aft port corner. The aft deck pool and hot tubs had signs reading “Adults Only” which no one seemed to pay attention to as there were teens and tweens there at all hours. This is where the 24 hour Pizza station is, which may explain a great deal and there's also a 24 hour soft serve ice cream station, providing even more reasons for the kids to hang out in an adults only area. Huh?

 

Mid-ship is the main pool with two hot tubs surrounded by Guys, Blue Iguana and the two outdoor bars. Looking forward, a set of terraces offer lounger space, leading up to Panorama, where there's a second, smaller pool and a big hot tub. Up two more decks are the water slide and Serenity, the adults only outdoor deck with its own bar and hot tub forward. This area did seem to be well-policed and rug rat-free. I say this lightly as I really do like kids and on this cruise they were uniformly well behaved. Even though there may have been a few of them in shouldna-oughta-land, they were always model citizens, which was a pleasant surprise after being on Victory for Spring Break.

 

If you look back from the main pool and up, you'll see two decks with the sports courts, running track and mini-golf course.

 

Okay, now for the public spaces. Her 'theme' is a little confused. Most public spaces have an art deco influence. Decorative columns throughout the ship are a rich reddish wood that matches the paneling and have fluted silver tops with multicolor LED lights concealed below. These lights appear to be synchronized ship wide, so all the columns are the same color at the same time. Neat trick. Carpets throughout the ship have a tight geometric pattern in bright primary colors. The central Atrium extends from Decks 3 to 11. There's a multicolored-color changing panel ceiling on Deck 5 where the Atrium narrows. Above that point it's just a vertical shaft with glass roof that three glass elevators slide up and down.

 

As far as dining venues, there are the Golden and Platinum dining rooms and the Red Sails buffet. As well as the Steakhouse (not visited, not reviewed). The dining rooms have a subtle Oriental look, with stylized trees (cherry?) on the walls along with gold (or silver) geometric shapes. They're both two decks high around the edges, with a raised central section in the middle. Tables are generally on the small side, ranging from tables and booths for two to six persons each. There were a few tables for eight in the Golden room but there were more of those in in the Platinum. The rooms are brightly lit, except when the wait staff is performing. Then the main lights go down, multicolored light bars in the ceiling start doing their thing, and all of a sudden it looks like a Hong Kong casino.

 

The Red Sails buffet on Lido deck has red leatherette booths with dark wood tables. There are lots of tables with seats and chairs and some chairs with only. Booths have canvas and wood 'sails' dividing them and there are colored plexiglass sailboats on the tiled walls. As a Conquest-class ship, the buffet has four main serving lines as well as a Deli on Lido level and a fish-n-chips station along with lots more seating on the Panorama level. On Conquest there was also an Asian food station opposite from the Deli, but on Glory this station was used only for omelets in the morning.

 

For entertainment purposes there's The Camel Club casino on Deck 5. It's Egyptian-themed with large plaster Sphinx-type thingies scattered about. Aft is the Punchliner comedy club with the stereotypical “brick” stage wall, as well as a Cigar bar that was mostly deserted and pretty stinky, the under-attended sing-a-long piano bar and the Alchemy Bar. The theater up front on Decks 3, 4 and 5 (Amber Palace) didn't appear to have a theme, other than “Hi! I'm a big Broadway-style Theater!” The “White Heat” disco has black walls, huge white fake candles all over the place and black leather-like sofas, along with two Morticia Adams-style black cage chairs. To be honest, it's a little creepy and looks like there should be 'Underworld” style neo-Gothic vampires hanging out in there.

 

Glory looks kinda worn, more so than she should a year and a half after dry dock. Carpets were dull and visibly worn in high traffic and even not-so-high areas. The color-changing ceiling in the atrium had a number of panels that were 'stuck' on a single color. The Casino bar had a ceiling that looked like the one in the Atrium, but never actually changed. Some of the faux-inlay wood panels throughout the ship (mostly where drunk passengers would lean on them for support) were worn through.

 

Next Up: The Boom Boom Shuffle

[Writerfl]

The Boom Boom Shuffle

 

This particular trip had an unusual itinerary feature. On sailings from Miami, the first day after departure is usually a day at sea as the ship travels to the Caribbean. On our trip, the first day was in Nassau and the second day was to be a day at sea. I mention this because it features in my tale.

 

We arrived in Nassau early the next morning. I've been to Nassau a bazillion times and there are probably four million and six port reviews on this site alone, so I'll spare you the repetition. I got off the ship, strolled around downtown a bit, hit my favorite free WiFi hotspot and went back to the ship for a bite to eat. I returned to my cabin a little before 1 PM and decided to take a nap. At 1 PM all hell broke loose. The cabin began making thudding noises repeatedly and the ceiling fixtures were vibrating. Was that...music?

 

Yep. DJ DropTheBass had just set up shop on Lido and my new cabin was apparently the interior of a subwoofer. All the noise I had avoided the night before had followed me to my new cabin and was settling in for a nice, long stay. After waiting few minutes to see if it would get any better (nope) I got up, got dressed and headed for Guest Services yet again. I actually arrived at the counter just as the ship was pulling out of Nassau harbor. This was 2:30 PM. I explained the problem to the nice young lady (different one this time. Everyone at the Guest Services desk was nice. Tough job).

 

I told her that I was afraid that I would have to exercise the Vacation Guarantee. She told me that it wasn't an option as we had already left the first port. I told her that the NEW Vacation Guarantee doesn't say that. It merely states that if you're unhappy in the first 24 hours after departure you can take the option. Period. This caused her to disappear for a few minutes and when she came back it was with Yun, one of the Guest Service officers.

 

Yun offered his sincere apologies. He also told me that as we had left port he would have to communicate with Corporate to see what they would do. As an alternative, he offered me a yet another room change, a 30% refund on my Sail n Sign and a 15% future cruise credit. He made temporary keycards for two rooms, one on Deck 8 and another on Deck 6, only 4 rooms away from my original room over the disco and encouraged me to check the two rooms out. He warned me that the room on Deck 8 was iffy as it was directly across from the Atrium and I might be able to hear the Atrium band.

 

Might? The atrium acts as a funnel and I could have sung lead vocals from within that cabin, so I headed down to Deck 6. The room looked fine, but I paced it off and it was still over the disco, albeit in the far corner. Back to Yun I went.

 

Yun swore up, down and sideways that there had been no noise complaints for that cabin (6396. Beware! Beware!) and with great trepidation, I agreed to his offer. His relief at not having to deal with Corporate was obvious. We summoned a steward, and off to 6396 I went. The rest of the day was uneventful.

 

Next Up: American Fable

[Writerfl]

American Fable

 

It's time to talk about meal service. Glory is one of only two ships that converted from the fleetwide menu to “American Table/American Feast”. On most Carnival ships the dinner menu is two pages presented in a binder. On the left is the Everyday menu, with staples such as Shrimp Cocktails, flatiron steaks, chicken and the like. On the right is the Today menu with a rotating choice of regional and specialty dishes that doesn't repeat.

 

On Glory, the menu is a single page, presented on a pressboard. This thing is heavy, and there's no place to put it after you're done without knocking over your neighbor's water glass. At the top are the Everyday choices which are quite a bit more limited than the fleetwide menu. At the bottom is the daily 'special', which is limited to a single choice of appetizer and main course. Along the left side are the appetizers and soups, which are a mixture of Everyday and Once A Cruise choices, but again, fewer than offered on other Carnival ships. There are also 'For the Table' appetizer choices such as Calamari, which come in Small, Medium, Large and Feedbag sizes, depending on who at the table wants to share.

 

Feedback from cruisers has been mixed. Some like the simplification, some don't. If you read the CC forums and Carnival's own forum it's evident that Carnival cut back TOO far initially, especially on desserts. Creme Brulée made its reappearance on our cruise after what came close to armed insurrection on John Heald's Blog. The battle apparently continues to rage over Bitter 'n Blanc, though. I missed the Sake Stewed Beetroot Carpaccio appetizer I'd had on Conquest, which sounds strange but tastes incredible.

 

Tables are also set differently. On American Table nights, there's no tablecloth, no center plate and the bread plate is a four inch square with an iconic American scene. Some have compared this to Applebee's and speaking personally I don't think the comparison is that far off. It's definitely not the fine dining experience of other ships or American Feast nights on Glory itself. Bread is served in a wooden box (is it bigger than a breadbox?) and deposited on the table. After that, you're on your own, and they don't provide tongs or any other serving utensil. You either gotta use fingers or spear it with your dinner knife.

 

On American Feast nights (which are also the Cruise Elegant clothing nights) they revert to tablecloths and traditional place settings. Bread is still delivered by communal box, though. These are the nights when the 'upgraded' food items make their appearance. Lobster tails one night, Filet Microscopique...I mean Mignon...the other. Tails are smaller than I remember them and the dish is augmented with a few Scampi-style shrimp.

 

Overall I don't care for American Table/Feast and it *would* be a deciding factor in choosing my next cruise. Even though I may not dress for a fine dining experience every night I still enjoy the environment and attention and it's a huge part of my complete cruise experience. In my humble yet highly opinionated opinion Carnival has cut too close to the bone in their efforts to cut costs and labor. They need to spend a few extra bucks here and bring the service level back up.

 

It might even pay for them to do so. Drinks service in the dining room was all but non-existent. There are too few drinks stewards and the atmosphere isn't conducive to drinks before, during or after dinner. Making dining back into an experience as well as a meal will almost certainly translate into more drinking, and more revenue. I might even have enjoyed a glass of Port after dinner a few nights, if I had enjoyed dinner more.

 

Interlude: Dessert and a Show

 

Once upon a time on a cruise ship far, far way, Elegant night dessert wasn't just the last course of the meal. It was a happening, with music and a parade of waiters bringing huge trays of gently flaming Baked Alaska, Cherries Jubliee or Bananas Foster into the dining room while singling, badly and off key, but with great enthusiasm. I think the International Fire Marshall of the Seas (if one exists) put an end to that, but what it's become in modern times is somewhat disturbing.

 

On random evenings, for what seems like no apparent reason, some of the wait staff will put on cheesy jackets that attempt to make them look like flamenco dancers but really make them look like...well...I don't know WHAT they look like, but it ain't natural. Some will put on sunglasses with flashing LED rims. Others will don wigs. Some will acquire hats that look like they come from the rejects of the clearance of the bargains of the basement of the outlet of the Dollar Only store. And then, and then, and Oh! The Horror! And then...

 

The music starts. Not just any music. Hip Hop. Or Hop Hip, or Techno renditions of Pop songs. Horribly modulated versions of Black Eyed Peas songs seem to be popular. And then...and then...and Oh! The Horror! And then...

 

They dance. Some will climb on top of the bus stands. Others will ascend the stairs to Deck 4. For the next five to ten minutes, all activity ceases as the waiters wiggle, jiggle, gyrate, and yes, twerk, to the latest songs. Gone are the days of “That's Amoré” on Italian Night or other more event-appropriate tunes. The closest you're going to get is the last night of the cruise when the staff croons a version of “Leaving On a Jet Plane” that was evidently rewritten by the Carnival Marketing Department. My ears still bleed occasionally.

 

All in all, it's pointless, loud, crude and passengers seem to love the spectacle of it all, so who am I to blow against the wind? (with apologies to Paul Simon. I stole that line from “I know What I Know”).

 

Next Up: Let Us Entertain You

[Writerfl]

Let Us Entertain You

 

After dinner, I went to the casino and contributed several hundred dollars to Carnival's net profit for the quarter. Slot machines grow steadily more sophisticated at separating a fool from his money and I'm no exception. It's entertainment, relatively inexpensive and one of the few places on the ship where I can practice my vice (smoking). For the non-smokers this is pretty good news. Carnival has steadily reduced the number of places on their ships where us stinky types can go do the voodoo that we do so well. On Glory, you can smoke on Panorama Deck starboard side only, at one-half of the casino bar, at about a third of the slot machines in the casino and on your balcony if you've got one. The only other place where smoking is permitted (and the only place where cigar smoking, other than on your balcony, is officially permitted) is the Cigar Bar called Bar Blue, which quite frankly reeks and is therefore almost always empty.

 

A further note on gambling: Cruise ship casinos are not regulated like land-side casinos in the U.S. At U.S. Casinos, a slot machine is given a fixed payout percentage when it is installed and is never changed again. On cruise ships the payout can be, and is, manipulated at will. Occasionally when you leave a slot machine and pull your Sign n Sail card out of the slot a message will appear: “Machine Settings Changed”. This means that while you were playing that darling little machine the casino management changed the payout ratio, automatically and remotely. Whether for good or evil you'll never know, but I can state categorically that payouts are vastly better on the last day and night of a cruise. If you have good self-control and iron-clad will, wait till late in the cruise to dance with the one-armed bandits. On this cruise I did not have that self control and lost $500 the first four days of the cruise, then won back $200 on the last day. This is not coincidence. This is part of the Master Plan.

 

There's a big hole in this review: I didn't go to any of the shows in the Amber Palace showroom. On previous cruises I found the shows to be just okay. The singers can sing and the dancers can dance but there just aren't very many of them and the shows tend to be very short, 45 minutes or so. On a typical cruise there will be two singers and six dancers in the troupe. That's it. It's more variety show than stage production, and that's a shame. Since a single production company manages all the ships, entertainment is pretty uniform among them. I have heard that the largest ships (Dream, Magic, Breeze) have better, more lavish productions but haven't personally experienced them.

 

There are fewer performers overall these days. We had a dance band with four members who performed in the casino bar/stage, a duo who alternated between the casino stage and the Atrium and two solo guitarists who made appearances in those two locations and up on Lido Deck by the main pool. Last man standing (sitting) was the vocalist/pianist in the piano bar. Left unattended for the entirety of the cruise were the Cigar Bar, which also had a small stage and the Ivory Club on Deck 4, a lovely room that was the cigar bar during the cigar-loving early 2000's.

 

Then there are the comedians. There are usually two or three of them performing in the Punchliner Club (also known as the Ebony Club) aft on Promenade Deck. I attended an Adults Only show one evening, but left after about 20 minutes. He wasn't very obscene, but he wasn't very funny either. My enjoyment was further dampened by two bar service employees who were having an animated conversation behind me during the show, and continued to do so even after I turned around and gave 'em the Stink Eye. Twice. So I left.

 

There's also a magician wandering around, who might drop by your table during dinner. Careful, they have a tendency to disappear.

 

One recent addition to the Glory is the giant LCD TV mounted above the main pool and visible from most of Lido Deck. Carnival screens music videos, travelogues, repeats of Shore Excursion talks and (my favorite) recently released motion pictures in the afternoons and evenings. I had the chance to watch “Despicable Me 2” while lounging on a lounger and sipping a Diet Coke. There's also popcorn at the Red Frog bar.

 

Also on deck are all of the favorite Games Passengers Play: the Hairiest Chest competition, the Kissing competition, water balloon relay, etc., etc., all participated in with the fervent hope of wining that most precious of Carnival mementos: the Ship On a Stick (if you don't know what this is, Google it. Apparently there's a thriving secondary market for them on eBay).

[Writerfl]

Cabin 6396: Third Time's (Not) the Charm

 

At the end of the Fun Day At Sea I headed for my new cabin, with some apprehension given my previous two experiences. At 11 PM I was rewarded for my patience with, yes, bass. And lots of it. Enough so that I could hear and feel it through my pillow and the springs in the bed. Not much I could do about it, so I took a couple of sleeping pills and eventually drifted off. At about 3 AM the music ended and the Children of the Night took over (the staff). There were all kinds of interesting noises coming from the corridor outside my room. When I investigated the next morning it turned out that there is a large crew area in the central part of the ship opposite my cabin with all sort of interesting yet unspecified things going on inside. One night I heard noises that sounded like a million ice pails being filled and another it sounded like a serious dish washing party. Given that this is Upper deck that makes no sense, but that's what I heard, and heard, and heard.

 

There were a few things I could do to mitigate the noise, and they did help some. I asked my cabin steward to put a thick topper on the bed, while helped cut the vibrations being transmitted from below each night. I also want to take this opportunity to thank the Miracle of Modern Chemistry (henceforth referred to as TMOMC), AKA sleeping pills, as I'm sure that without those I wouldn't have lasted the week.

 

The third night in that room DJ DropTheBass was in rare form. The bed was on the verge of leaping into the air with every thrummmm from below, and even TMOMC couldn't get me through the night. At about 2 AM I called Guest Services and explained the problem and asked if they couldn't dial down the bass. The young lady apologized and said they'd send someone immediately. Ten minutes later the bass almost disappeared, so they CAN modulate it if they want to.

 

I spoke to Yun the Purser the next day. I told him that I was worn down from the issues and would simply tolerate it for the remainder of the trip. He was extremely apologetic and informed me that since I didn't drink alcohol, he had removed the charge for my Bottomless Bubbles package from my S&S account. I'll say this for the on-board staff: they really try very, very hard to make you happy with the limited tools that Corporate allows them and they are obviously sincere, not just going through the motions.

 

Let's talk accommodations for a moment. If you're a night owl, party animal, drink till the world is fuzzy kind of person, it doesn't matter where your cabin is. Quiet or noisy, you'll never notice. Just remember to try to keep it down in the hallways and everyone will love you for it.

 

If you're more like me and appreciate a good time but still need peace and quiet every so often there ARE definitely parts of the ship that will be more to your taste. This advice applies specifically to Conquest- and Triumph- class ships, but there are similar areas on the other Carnival classes.

 

Deck Seven is your Mecca. Above you, cabins. Below you, cabins. Around you, cabins. The insulation between cabins is usually excellent, so the only noise you're likely to hear are your fellow travelers reveling in the hallways and the service staff doing their thing. Similarly, Deck 8 forward of the Pool Deck, Deck 9 and Deck 10 forward are all going to be islands of bliss. I've never been in a cabin on Spa deck or spoken so someone who has, so I can't speak to their noise levels. There are islands of solitude out there, you just need to look for them. If you look at Deck Plans on-line to figure out what's above and below you, some web sites will allow you to drag one deck on top of another. Even if you can't do that here's a tip on eyeballing it: look for the stairwells. Since stairs are in the same position vertically from deck to deck the distance from the closest stairwell will remain a constant.

 

Next Up: Port Call - St. Thomas

[Writerfl]

Port Call – St. Thomas

 

I've been to St. Thomas too many times to count and even applied for a job there once, so this port call didn't hold a lot of attraction for me. What DID get me excited was that fact that we were so close to St. John. Before I got back into cruising I used to go camping in the National Park on St. John once a year. There's a wonderful campground called Cinnamon Bay just minutes outside Cruz Bay, the main town on St. John. I used to fly down to St. Thomas with my tent, air mattress, etc. in my suitcase, then take a cab to the ferry terminal at Red Hook. The ferry to St. John leaves every hour, only takes 20 minutes and costs a measly seven dollars. From Cruz Bay it's another 20 minute, eight dollar cab ride and you're in Cinnamon Bay.

 

Cinnamon Bay is the next major bay over from the famous Trunk Bay. In between is Peter Bay, home of the rich and somewhat famous. Kenny Chesney has a place in Peter Bay Estates, which is all luxury villas with incredible views. According to the realtors you can't sneeze for less than four million dollars up there. Cinnamon Bay has a nicer beach than Trunk Bay, with better amenities and no entry fee. The snorkeling is better as well. There's a snack shack on the beach and a general store and restaurant a little further back. The restaurant, T'ree Lizards, is just okay. There's lots better choices in town. My favorite is Woody's Seafood Saloon, which has a killer blackened Mahi sandwich.

 

For years Cinnamon Bay was my Happy Place. I couldn't be that close and NOT go there, so I got up early, was one of the first off the ship and caught the 'dollar bus' to Red Hook. The 'dollar buses' are pickup trucks with canopied safari-style benches instead of a bed. They're identical to the taxis on the island but are larger and have more seats. They have no markings on them, so ask a local to point one out. It's actually a couple of bucks to get to Red Hook, which compares favorably to the 10-12 dollars a regular taxi charges.

 

The main town on St. Thomas is named Charlotte Amalie. 'Charlotte,' as the natives call it, is arranged in a semi-circle around a large bay. Carnival ships dock at Havensite, which is off to one side of the bay. If you're in a duty-free-shopping kinda mood, there are stores at Havensite but most of the big stores are in the middle of the semi-circle, about a fifteen minute walk in heavy traffic. Better to take a cab.

 

Not for me, though. After taking the 'dollah boos' to Red Hook I caught the next ferry, grabbed a cab as soon as I was off and was in my Happy Place and in the water an hour and a half after leaving the Glory. This was Glorious. I spent about three hours snorkeling and sunning, then caught a cab back to Cruz Bay, where a Mahi-Mahi lay waiting for me, surrounded by a bun and tarter sauce. After that I nosed around the cool shops for a bit (you gotta visit St. John Spice Shop, upstairs just across from the ferry terminal) then caught the next ferry back to St. Thomas. I cabbed it back to Havensite and had a few minutes to look around the shops there before re-boarding Glory.

 

Next Up: Old San Juan

[Writerfl]

Old San Juan

 

It's important to differentiate between Old and New San Juan. San Juan is HUGE, probably about the same size (and has much of the same feel) as Miami. Old San Juan is on the north side of San Juan Bay and is quite small, a five minute walk from the bay to the Atlantic Ocean side, where the old forts and historic buildings are and a twenty minute walk from one end to the other. It's very hilly as well, so good walking shoes are a must. It can also be very hot and humid, so seeing people walking with umbrellas to shade them from the sun is not all uncommon.

 

I didn't take any of the shore excursions here. There are a LOT to choose from, most involving day passes at large resorts with great beaches and lots of amenities. Unfortunately (or very fortunately as it turned out) I had business to transact here and had to stay in the Old City.

 

I own a Newsstand and Coffee Bar in the Florida Keys. I'm always on the lookout for different and unusual coffees to bring back or arrange to purchase for the business, so I had booked appointments with two Puerto Rican coffee producers for the morning. In addition to satisfying my taste for both coffee and adventure this had the additional benefit of rendering my cruise tax-deductible. Yay Me! I didn't have great hopes of finding a suitable coffee, though. Pre-trip research had indicated that the coffee industry in Puerto Rico was in sad shape, and it was.

 

The Puerto Rican coffee industry has suffered a triple whammy of late. Storms and crop disease are part and parcel of the Caribbean coffee industry so everyone gets to play that game, but lately the locals have suffered from a severe shortage of people to pick the beans off the bushes. Coffee picking is a skilled endeavor but it's also backbreaking labor and doesn't pay well at all. There are so few skilled pickers there that beans are either plucked before they're ripe or left on the bushes too long, which muddies the taste. It's gotten so bad that the island has been experimenting with using prison labor to pick the beans. I wasn't expecting much from my 'cupping' appointments and I was right.

 

I finished the second appointment and this is where it gets both weird and wonderful. The estate agent I was meeting with asked what I was going to do with the remainder of my time in port. I hadn't really thought it out, so I told him that I would probably just wander around and do some shopping. He said, “Maybe not. I will call you in 15 minutes.” and left the shop.

 

Side note: if you want to experience the best in Puerto Rican coffee, check out Quatras Sombras, where they roast their own Yauco coffee or Cafe Poetico, which roasts its own as well. Elsewhere, make sure to inquire as to whether the coffee is Puerto Rico-grown, as they're importing two-thirds of their coffee from other countries.

 

Next Up: The Right Honorable Alejandro J. Garcia Padilla

 

The Right Honorable Alejandro J. Garcia Padilla

 

I left the coffee bar and was browsing in shops when my phone rang. It was Enrique and he had arranged for me to receive a private tour of “La Fortaleza.” This magnificent old building contains the Governor's Mansion and Gardens. I was also to meet the Governor of Puerto Rico, Alejandro Garcia Padilla. Wow! I walked the block and a half to the Governor's Mansion and was introduced to my tour guide, a young woman whose name escapes me. There were three of us on this little expedition as a Security man accompanies all visitors to the Mansion. The poor guy has to wear a business suit and tie, and it was hot and humid that day!

 

The mansion dates to the 1600's with significant additions and renovations in the 1800's when the British (briefly) owned the island and the 1960's, when the King of Spain came a'calling. The gardens are also gorgeous and contain a fruit and vegetable garden much like the White House. Apparently the First Lady of Puerto Rico is a nutrition enthusiast like Michelle Obama. The core of the Mansion is fortress-like, with two round towers on the sides facing the bay and dating back to the late 1600's. One, interestingly, houses both the Armory and the Chapel. The other is part of the Governor's private residence. Anyone can tour the Mansion, for free. The mansion is at the west end of Calle Fortaleza and a little to the east is a large yellow building that serves as the administrative office. Just walk inside and ask if there are any tours available.

 

While my guide was giving me the Grand Tour and an amazing amount of historical information, the security guy was occasionally on his cell phone. After one such conversation he had a brief conference with the tour guide in rapid-fire Spanish, part of which included 'El Gobernador se Arrive”. I was led to the mansion's central courtyard just as a big black Chrysler with tinted windows pulled up, surrounded by serious looking men in suits. Out stepped the Governor, a really young looking guy, who walked over to me and my escorts.

 

“HolaWelcometoPuetoRicoIamVeryHappyYouHaveComeToVisitUsEnjoyYourDayInMyBeautifulSanJuanHaveAGreatDayIMuctGoNowGoodbye!” said he without taking a breath, and vanished into the offices. That was my meeting with the Governor, and we resumed the tour.

 

After the tour I wandered the streets of Old San Juan while my caffeine buzz slowly wound down. There are tons of art galleries, crafts boutiques, kitschy souvenir stores and even a Marshall's within walking distance of the ship. I enjoyed walking the smaller streets and viewing the Mediterranean/Georgian doorways the old city is so famous for. I visited El Castillo San Cristobal and walked along the battlements while enjoying the view of the Atlantic Ocean. All in all, a great day despite the coffee disappointments.

 

Next Up: Grand Turk

[Writerfl]

Grand Turk

 

After the cosmopolitan experiences of Old San Juan, I wanted nothing more than to get back in the water and snorkel, snorkel, snorkel! I spent another restless night in the Boom Boom Room Annex, then got up and out early enough to be one of the first off the ship again. While there were snorkeling expeditions available, on-line research indicated that there would be excellent snorkeling right at the Grand Turk Cruise Center, and there was!

 

Carnival either owns or leases the Grand Turk Cruise Center, so it's well maintained and there are thousands of beach loungers just sitting there waiting for you. There are restaurants, a small craft market, representative locations of all the Caribbean 'Duty Free' chains and a Jimmy Buffet's Margaritaville with a huge pool and swim up bar, all within the confines of the Cruise Center. It's quite nice, and I saw no real reason to leave the immediate area. It's not as nice as Mahogany Bay on Roatan (another Carnival-operated property) which is knock-your-socks-off beautiful, but is still a great destination.

 

For the best snorkeling, turn right as you leave the dock and just keep walking until you get to the edge of the island. The beaches are narrow and the areas just off shore are rocky, so look for small sandy stretches that will make it easier to get into the water. Water shoes will definitely be useful here. Good snorkeling is available within 100 yards of shore and the water is very shallow, so flippers are not at all necessary. I didn't see much in the way of colorful corals, but the variety of both reef and gamefish was excellent. I did see the largest puffer fish I've ever seen in person. It was at least 18 inches long and seven inches across its big square head and I think if you frightened this fish it would turn into the Goodyear Blimp.

 

Two solid hours of snorkeling and an hour of lazing in the sun later, I walked back to the Cruise Center and spent another hour walking around the shops. Prices in the duty frees were competitive but prices at the eateries and drinkeries seemed excessively high. Margaritaville offered all manner of alcoholic slushies in plastic blender glasses, which were cute. The blender glasses were a representation of an entire blender, base and all, with a cap and hole for a straw, in blue, red or yellow. I thought I'd like to have one, so I inquired as to the price. $21 each! Oops, no thanks.

 

A short stroll took me back to the ship. I went back to the cabin, took a shower to rinse off the salt and headed for Guy Fieri's Burger Joint on Lido Deck for a coronary bypass, I mean burger. A lot has been written about Guy's burgers and they are, overall, very good. The meat isn't all that, though. The burger patties are small, cooked well-done (and no, you can't have medium, rare, medium-rare, steak tartare or anything other than well-done, so don't ask) and basically average. It's the toppings that make the burger. Cheez, onions, great galloping glops of bacon or half a dozen other choices and a condiment fountain electrically dispensing ketchup, mustard, mayo, bbq sauce and thousand island sauce complete your Heart Attack On A Plate. Oh, wait. Fries. Fries from Heaven. Fries from your cardiologist's personal Hell. Delicious, fresh, hot, greasy, salty fries. Good eats, and afterward, definitely nap-worthy.

 

A Fun-ky Day at Sea

 

The weather all week had been beautiful, and my last full day on Glory was no exception. In fact, the only time it rained all week had been on St. Thomas and I had been on St. John at the time! It was the perfect day to find some space in the shade on deck and catch up on my reading.

 

Glory has a lot of deck space available for that. Even though she's almost identical to Conquest she feels like a roomier ship when you're out on deck. In addition to the tiered loungers overlooking the midship pool she has wide side decks on Panorama Deck (Deck 10) going all the way to the back of the ship overlooking the aft pool and hot tubs. The Serenity area forward and up also has lots of room and loungers, as well as the highly coveted (and seemingly impossible to grab) round cabanas.

 

There was plenty of loud music at the pool courtesy of DJ DropTheBass. There were actually two DJs on board, neither of whose names I learned, but both were deeply in love with the low end of the audible spectrum. Later in the afternoon They showed Despicable Me 2 on the big TV screen over the pool and that evening another recent release film as well.

 

I skipped the Main Dining Room that evening in favor of the buffet as the MDR menu looked somewhat boring. It turned out to be a good decision as this was the “chocolate buffet” evening up top, with all manner of chocolate desserts and a chocolate fountain with all sorts of sweeties available for dipping. In order to keep the chocolate drip mess to a minimum you point out what you want dipped and a Carnival kitchen worker does it for you, handing you your selection on a plate.

 

Returning to the cabin I packed up my clothes, leaving out the following morning's attire. Since every piece of luggage I own has wheels I always use self-debarkation, which is quicker and hassle free. Once packed I wandered down to the casino to see if I could recoup a portion of my losses, which is exactly what happened. I turned in around 11 PM, just as things in the disco were getting started, and the usual routine of mixing sleeping pills and throbbing bass ensued.

 

In the morning we arrived in Miami right on time and debarkation was quick and simple. The only question the Customs guy asked was “What kind of job do you have?” and then it was out to the curb where the parking shuttle was already waiting. Twenty minutes later I was in the car and heading South.

 

Next Up: Summary and Pix

[Writerfl]

Cruise Summary

 

This was by no means my favorite cruise. Between the issues associated with my cabins (did I mention the toilet that had to be replaced before it would break into four large pieces? Or the shower drain that didn't? Or the nasty stains on the lampshade and cushions?), my lack of appreciation for American Table and the general sense of sleep deprivation I was not a happy camper.

 

On the other hand, the itinerary was great. I thoroughly enjoyed all of the port calls and could cheerfully have spent more time at any of them. The venue food (Guy's and the Blue Iguana Cantina, Pizza Pirate and the Chocolate Buffet) was excellent, providing an acceptable alternative to the uninspired and limited MDR offerings.

 

Compared to previous cruises I really didn't feel like I had gotten my money's worth. The more I thought about it the more regretful I was that I hadn't stood my ground and demanded the Vacation Guarantee back on the first day and I was actually pretty angry at myself for allowing myself to be talked out of it.

 

When I got home the first thing I did was fall into bed for 18 hours of uninterrupted sleep. The next thing I did was sit sown and write Carnival's Guest Relations Department a long (3 pages) letter detailing my experiences. At the conclusion of the letter I reiterated how much I regretted not taking the Guarantee and asked for a refund of the remaining cruise fare, in the form of a future cruise credit.

 

It took Carnival three days to respond. When they did respond, it was a boilerplate e-mail that apologized for the lack of quiet relaxation (their words) and offered me a $200 on board credit on my next cruise, in addition to the 15% discount already offered. I wrote back, saying (in effect) “Hey guys, I would have taken the Guarantee if your employee hadn't made assurances that the problem would be resolved, but it wasn't, and I think I'm entitled to the refund”.

 

I received another e-mail the next day that said (and I paraphrase) very politely, “Yeah, but you didn't take the guarantee. We've given you two thirds of your cruise fare back and that's the best we're going to do.”

 

Okay. I see their point. As I said at the beginning of this travelo-review, I dug this particular hole and I have to be prepared to lie in it. That's not to say that I shouldn't make every legitimate effort to safeguard my interests, but when all is said and done Carnival did a LOT to try to make it right. They directly refunded 30% of the fare, comp'd my Bottomless Bubbles package ($60), then added $200 in future credits on top of that afterwards. When you add the $100 or so 15% discount on the next cruise, it comes out pretty close to even. I just which I hadn't been placed in the position of having to push for what I got.

 

Once upon a time Carnival's watchphrase was “Exceeding Your Expectations”. The only time I felt that way in this situation was when Yun spontaneously removed the charge for the drinks package, and props to him.

 

Will I take a Carnival cruise again? You betcha. Will I go on Glory again? Not if they still have American Table/American Feast. Will I ever book a Guarantee cabin again? It will be a cold day in the Afterlife before that happens.

 

Pictures soon. Web site's fighting me here.

[cruzn buckeye]

American Fable

 

 

On American Feast nights (which are also the Cruise Elegant clothing nights) they revert to tablecloths and traditional place settings. Bread is still delivered by communal box, though. These are the nights when the 'upgraded' food items make their appearance. Lobster tails one night, Filet Microscopique...I mean Mignon...the other. Tails are smaller than I remember them and the dish is augmented with a few Scampi-style shrimp.

 

They dance. Some will climb on top of the bus stands. Others will ascend the stairs to Deck 4. For the next five to ten minutes, all activity ceases as the waiters wiggle, jiggle, gyrate, and yes, twerk, to the latest songs. Gone are the days of “That's Amoré” on Italian Night or other more event-appropriate tunes. The closest you're going to get is the last night of the cruise when the staff croons a version of “Leaving On a Jet Plane” that was evidently rewritten by the Carnival Marketing Department. My ears still bleed occasionally.

 

Next Up: Let Us Entertain You

i have not experienced the ships with the new American Feast... but I really think I would prefer to keep it like it is or used to be..

Just got back from the Victory, which has not had the 2.0 upgrades or American feast... the food was um... okay... nothing to write home about... so much different than it used to be... but i didn't go hungry.

And he waiters and maitre'd did sing "That's Amore'' ... I like that..

[TrinaLC]

I enjoyed reading every word of your review! All so well written I felt as though I was there.

 

I have occasionally thought about getting a guarantee, but your "saga" confirms it is not worth it, at any price.

 

Thanks for the travel report (again, so well written!)

[muffin]

Greatly appreciated your extremely well written and helpful review/travelouge.

Very even handed and helpful to all of us I think. We are on the western glory and I am glad to hear you like those ports too. Thank you again.

[Georgiagolfer]

Just finished your review. DW and I are doing the same route as you. Seems like if it can happen, it happened to you. This will be our 19th CCL cruise, and fortunately we have not encountered the amount of issues on a single cruise that you mentioned. Better luck on your next cruise.

 

BTW, we always pick our room so we will know what is around us.

[boaterette]

I enjoyed your review. Thanks for pointing out the horrible rooms. Good to know which ones to avoid.

[nybumpkin]

Deck Seven is your Mecca. Above you, cabins. Below you, cabins. Around you, cabins. The insulation between cabins is usually excellent, so the only noise you're likely to hear are your fellow travelers reveling in the hallways and the service staff doing their thing. Similarly, Deck 8 forward of the Pool Deck, Deck 9 and Deck 10 forward are all going to be islands of bliss. I've never been in a cabin on Spa deck or spoken so someone who has, so I can't speak to their noise levels. There are islands of solitude out there, you just need to look for them. If you look at Deck Plans on-line to figure out what's above and below you, some web sites will allow you to drag one deck on top of another. Even if you can't do that here's a tip on eyeballing it: look for the stairwells. Since stairs are in the same position vertically from deck to deck the distance from the closest stairwell will remain a constant.

Enjoyed your review. We tried deck 6 twice, once on Liberty and once on Glory. On Liberty we were above the shops - but we were close to the forward stairs and the music from the main lounge came right up the stairs. We joked that we got to experience the shows twice - once in the lounge itself and again in our cabin.;) On Glory we were above the casino and could hear bells ringing and announcements when there was a winner (not all that often:D). We've avoided deck 6 altogether ever since.

 

I'm not a fan of the cabins on Spa deck on Glory. The balconies are not covered, and you can have conversations with people on deck 12 standing above you. It's also one deck down from Camp Carnival. While we did not have noise problems with Camp itself, the forward elevators do not go up to deck 12 - so when Mom and Dad came to pick up Junior at night, you got the sound of a herd of elephants thundering down the stairs to deck 11.

[cruizinisthebest]

Sorry you had so much trouble with your room. Next time definitely pick your own. Couldn't hang with the rest of your review. Just way way too wordy. But it's YOUR review. Hopefully you enjoyed your trip!

[loubetti]

An entertaining and well written review! I think that CCL did the best that they were allowed to do under "policy", perhaps. I would think the ship was at almost 100% capacity, otherwise they should have just put you in a suite or balcony, or outside cabin.

 

I once suffered a ceiling leak during heavy rain in a famous 5-star London hotel, which I had frequented in the past. They had also manged, the day before, to not send their Daimler to pick us up at LHR, which we had arranged.

 

I went down to the front desk that next morning to get this resolved, and they already knew what had happened, had their plan, and were not going to give me grief.

 

"We're moving you to a suite", as in the $1500 per night kind. Our sitting room was the size of 2 or more Hilton double hotel rooms, the bedroom was magnificent, and the entry foyer and bathroom were huge!

 

Apparently they had few options of where to put you, or so I would like to think. On the second complaint I would have put you in the best cabin / suite available and, maybe they did that?

[krusinkuple]

Thank you for taking the time to write such an extensive review....you had me laughing out loud several times.

 

DH and I will be on the Conquest next month for the same itinerary you wrote about....never done the itinerary or the ship before so you have provided some great information.

 

We learned early on never to take the temptation of "guaranteed stateroom" and always look at deck plans (and, as you suggested, elevator placements) before booking. We have also found that being higher and forward is the best place for us...we are on 9 Forward this trip....in 2010, we were lucky enough to be on the Spa level and let me assure you, it was just like the spa itself: super quiet and almost-reverant in its tranquility....

 

From what I have researched, the Conquest still has the old menus...which IMHO are still nothing like they used to be....even the Steakhouse has been iffy---one time great, another simply mediocre (and I don't mean just the food)....if I'm going to shell out $70 bucks for dinner, I prefer not to have the officers standing next to the window on deck smoking and discussing various, not-so-appropriate, topics within earshot of us and our dinner.

 

Glad to hear Carnival eventually made good for you, but its a shame that one has to continually climb up the customer service ladder in order to get someone to provide what they agreed to....

 

Look forward to more of your posts....have a great evening!

Edited May 31, 2014 by krusinkuple

[Writerfl]

Thanks, everyone for their kind comments and contributions. I very much appreciate it and I'm glad you enjoy my writing style.

 

I just returned from a 4 day trip on Ecstasy and am busily chronicling my solo sojourn. I'll post it as soon as it's done and I look forward to your comments on that adventure too!

[Writerfl]

Thanks again to everyone for their comments on this review. If you enjoyed it there's a new review of Ecstasy, "Ecstasy Doesn't Have To Be A Pill" posted in the forum.

 

Fair warning: There are Playboy Bunny's involved. Is it Wabbit Season? Read on!

[cv322]

Writer - I can't begin to tell you how much I've enjoyed reading your Glory review ;)! What fabulous energy & spunk you brought to these pages!

 

I've cruised on the Glory a couple of times, but I'm such a control freak, that I always choose my cabin...so sorry you had a rough time of it. (Gotta love those DJ's :p)...

 

I would hope to have our cruising paths cross someday! See my upcoming cruise list below....book one!

[Writerfl]

CV, thanks for your kind words. Be sure to check out my new Ecstasy review. As to cruising together, unfortunately it doesn't seem likely. As a dedicated 'solo', NCL is too pricey for me in a standard cabin, and the 'studios' are so small and claustrophobic they could be used as breadboxes on Glory.

 

Pride should be a nice ship, but she offers the same itineraries from Tampa that Conquest offers from Miami, only cheaper and less of a slog to get to. My next cruise, which I will of course review now that I've gotten back into the habit of traveloguing, will likely be either Valor or Breeze.

 

Fair winds, following seas and cheap trinkets,

 

Jeff

[cv322]

CV, thanks for your kind words. Be sure to check out my new Ecstasy review. As to cruising together, unfortunately it doesn't seem likely. As a dedicated 'solo', NCL is too pricey for me in a standard cabin, and the 'studios' are so small and claustrophobic they could be used as breadboxes on Glory.

 

Pride should be a nice ship, but she offers the same itineraries from Tampa that Conquest offers from Miami, only cheaper and less of a slog to get to. My next cruise, which I will of course review now that I've gotten back into the habit of traveloguing, will likely be either Valor or Breeze.

 

Fair winds, following seas and cheap trinkets,

 

Jeff

 

Ha! I wouldn't book a studio either! Strictly a balcony or suite girl...

 

I will, without question, look for your travelogues going forward. Happy cruising back at ya' ;).

 

Chris

[Spaniel Lover]

I really enjoyed reading your review. That was some quality writing. You kept me very entertained, for sure.

 

I think the story is also an excellent public service for anyone new to cruising... taking the time to look carefully at the deck plans and picking a specific cabin away from noisy areas will go a long way towards ensuring you'll have a good cruise.