How do you know when you're ready?

[travlnblueberries]

This question is for those that lost their partner.  

 

A little back round ( trying to make it short).

When I first met my (later on would be my husband)

I ask him if he would like to go on a cruise together?

He said yes, and I prayed he would love cruising as 

much as I did or I'd have to let him go. Lol

Turned out he loved it as much as I did! Long story short, 

a few months later he asked me to marry him, and I said yes!

We married and ever since we would cruise every three months. 

We loved it so much and were even planning on what cruises we

would go on once we retired.

Fast forward to 2019, my husband passed away. I can't even begin

to explain my grief. I took 2 years off of work, I just couldn't function,

He was my world. 

It's funny how something that I loved so much, is the hardest thing for

me to do now. It's a stab to my heart when someone says they're going

on a cruise. (I don't expect everyone to understand, but I hope someone 

does) I asked myself if I was ready to go on a cruise.

I tried picturing myself on board and the tears start falling. I thought 

there's no way. We always did warm weather cruises so I thought maybe 

I could try and do Alaska or something just to dip my toe in the water, so to

speak. My question to anyone that could relate is how did you know when

you were ready? Is there anything that helped you get to that point? I will

say, I will be going solo so there won't be any shoulder to cry on once I board.

Thank you for reading, and for any replies.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[NSnJW]

I am so sorry for your loss.

I was married for 46 years and she was my everything.  She still is to a great extent, 6 1/2 years after her passing.

It might not work for you, but I took my son and grandsons on my first cruise after.  My wife and I talked about taking the grandkids on a cruise so this was a way of fulfilling her wish.  After taking just the oldest granddaughter on a cruise and rarely seeing her except in the evenings, I knew I was ready to solo.

A very close friend or relative would work too but the young grandkids took enough attention to distract the grieving.  Plus I would wander the ships and remember how much my wife had enjoyed the sunrises and sunsets and watching the waves from the balconies.

In short I still enjoyed the things about cruising that we had both enjoyed.  I still remember her smiles and laughs while enjoying the cruises.

I found a cruise buddy on a solo cruise and now we cruise together but we do much of the cruise separate.  We eat some meals together and usually go on excursions together but both do our own thing.  

[Destiny0315]

13 hours ago, travlnblueberries said:

This question is for those that lost their partner.  

 

A little back round ( trying to make it short).

When I first met my (later on would be my husband)

I ask him if he would like to go on a cruise together?

He said yes, and I prayed he would love cruising as 

much as I did or I'd have to let him go. Lol

Turned out he loved it as much as I did! Long story short, 

a few months later he asked me to marry him, and I said yes!

We married and ever since we would cruise every three months. 

We loved it so much and were even planning on what cruises we

would go on once we retired.

Fast forward to 2019, my husband passed away. I can't even begin

to explain my grief. I took 2 years off of work, I just couldn't function,

He was my world. 

It's funny how something that I loved so much, is the hardest thing for

me to do now. It's a stab to my heart when someone says they're going

on a cruise. (I don't expect everyone to understand, but I hope someone 

does) I asked myself if I was ready to go on a cruise.

I tried picturing myself on board and the tears start falling. I thought 

there's no way. We always did warm weather cruises so I thought maybe 

I could try and do Alaska or something just to dip my toe in the water, so to

speak. My question to anyone that could relate is how did you know when

you were ready? Is there anything that helped you get to that point? I will

say, I will be going solo so there won't be any shoulder to cry on once I board.

Thank you for reading, and for any replies.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I lost my wife just over three years ago and started back into the post covid cruise world without her one year ago, and at this point I have five more cruises planned. There will always be those moments when you will see, hear, or maybe even smell a scent of something that reminds you of your spouse. On my most recent cruise the band on board was playing 'our' wedding song as I walked by the dancing venue with two new friends that I had met on board, we stopped for a bit and I mentioned to them the significance of that song to me. After a short pause where they reacknowledged my loss we moved along to the show we were heading to and the conversation quickly changed to where we would sit in the theater onboard. Those two people I met at a cruise line event for singles and solos on the first day which had all variations of those terms attending. So the lesson is to make sure that the cruise you choose has similar meet & greets, luncheons, etc...for singles/solos early in the cruise as you will have like minded people to share your cruise experiences with along with all the others for the rest of the sailing...Rob

[travlnblueberries]

Thank you both for replying. Rob, I give you credit for holding it

together after hearing your wedding song. I highly doubt I would

be that strong. 

NSnJW, that was so nice you were able to go with your son and 

grandchildren. You were able to take a step before taking the plunge.

We never had any children. In a matter of 12 months I lost everyone, 

my dh, my mom, my sil, and my best friend, so that is why I would be

going solo. I'm just trying to figure out how to know if I'm ready. 

 

[Destiny0315]

7 minutes ago, travlnblueberries said:

We never had any children. In a matter of 12 months I lost everyone, 

my dh, my mom, my sil, and my best friend, so that is why I would be

going solo. I'm just trying to figure out how to know if I'm ready. 

No offspring here either and I lost my only sister just 16 months after my wife. With no parents and just one older sibling left I try to look at it all positively as something in my favor. No one above me or below me to question or comment on what I am doing where I am going or who I am with; but also still knowing that those who have gone would still want me to move along the best I can without them.

[NSnJW]

Sorry that you have no one to go with.  In that case I would recommend a short NCL cruise where you could go to the nightly solo meets and find kindred souls.  The solo meets I went to on the smaller NCL ships had very friendly supportive people from all walks of life.  If you don't feel like talking, there was always someone interesting to listen to.

[travlnblueberries]

Thank you both for taking the time to reply and given me some things

to think about

[Truluv]

My sympathy for your loss.  We had cruised very frequently as a family, had 2 vow renewals on cruises (one in Alaska in a Russian Orthodox church -- the other one arranged with a cruise line after my spouse was diagnosed with a terminal degenerative disease), and my spouse's ashes were eventually buried at sea per his wishes.  My spouse had raced power boats, loved boating, loved dancing and music/shows, and was very social & adventurous.  He enjoyed every activity on the ships and exploring all of the ports...from helicopters to horseback riding to scuba.  I did my 1st solo cruise (our kids were grown) about 3 years after he passed.  It was difficult at times especially on the first solo cruise.  Initially, I was very lonely.  It helped to figure out exactly what I liked about cruising.  In my case -- it's heaven to spend a week in a Solarium overlooking the ocean with my Kindle, or to watch the sun rise with a cup of coffee.  I know that I can read anywhere and save money -- but I love the ocean.  I also enjoy the casual dining options, and I don't get hung up on shipboard table arrangements or feel a need to participate in activities. On my last cruise I was very curious about a premier specialty restaurant and decided to go by myself...with my Kindle.  I've found that most people are very friendly, and it's easy to have conversations though.  (I haven't taken my solo cruises with NCL although they do seem to have the most solo/single fans -- I've been cruising solo with RCL.)  My next cruise is with family members this Fall, and I'm actually wondering if I will miss being the peace and the freedom of being solo.

Edited May 24, 2023 by Truluv

[Meander Ingwa]

On 5/21/2023 at 1:10 PM, travlnblueberries said:

I'm just trying to figure out how to know if I'm ready. 

I think the very fact you are thinking about it and asking about it means you might be ready.

there is no guarantee that you will not have a pang of sadness along the way ; a memory triggered by a smell or sound or place.  But that happens along the way and it is shocking how long those memories can linger; years and decades.

I found the hardest part of going through grief was that time where I realized I was not thinking  daily or grieving daily.  That triggered a touch of guilt.  I then realized that I was needling to face my life ahead.

There are likely kindred spirits on board.  Consider something close to home or logistically easy to get to.  Consider a smaller cruise line with a more low key approach.  If I saw someone experiencing a moment of grief I would likely ask if there was some way I could help them along.  You are not likely to be alone in this situation and a smaller cruise provider might offer some advantage here.

 

I am looking at very small cruise provider Hebridean Island Cruises.   So excited by the prospects.  They do have solo cabins

[cruisemom42]

You may like to take a look at this recent thread from the HAL board here. It is full of thoughtful and also practical information for those looking to resume cruising after the loss of a partner or loved one:

 

 

While I have not been in your shoes, I will also just say that you shouldn't push yourself too much. There is no real timeline. And perhaps if cruising is just too much to contemplate, other types of travel might give you a different way of moving on.

[PhotoDennis]

First, you have my sympathies.

I effectively lost my wife two years ago. She developed early-onset Alzheimers and, after taking care of her for as long as I could, she one day didn't know who I was and attacked me. I had to put her into memory care.
 

I still see her often, but... she barely recognizes me and can't talk. And she gets restless and irritable if I try to stay with her for more than about ten minutes.

We did a lot of cruising together. A lot. She and I both loved it. We had to stop when she first had health problems, then covid, then her mental problems, so I hadn't been in a while.

I finally went out on my own again a year ago, and I currently have two more cruises planned. My first thought is that this is something we both loved doing together, and I don't think that she would want me to stop just because she couldn't.

Also (in my case anyway), I was reminded of the thing that the flight attendant always says when doing that safety briefing that everyone ignores at the start of their flight.

"Pur your face mask on, *then* help the people around you."

I can't continue to help and support her without taking care of myself. And that includes, yes, doing things for myself without her.

So, don't feel guilty. Your husband would have *wanted* you to continue doing what you loved.

He may have passed, but you haven't. Your life didn't end with his. Live your own life. For him. Trust me, that is what he wants.

And hey, if we ever wind up on the same cruise? I have a shoulder you can cry on.

[Truluv]

PhotoDennis - I was in your shoes -- my spouse's disease was also early-onset Alz.  I went through the same stages.  This is just a note to say that you have a lot of support too.  Plus your advice was generous & really good. (Internet hug.)

[travlnblueberries]

• Thank you all for replying. I looked into an Alaska cruise but the flight times were crazy. I'm in NE Pa. and the least amount of hours was 14+ hrs and that was getting in at 1am. If I wanted to get in at a decent hour then it's more like 22-24+ hrs. 
• PhotoDennis, I'm so sorry. I was trying to care for my mom who had Alz the same time my dh had cancer. You have to walk in the shoes of someone who takes/took care of someone who had/has Alz. to really understand.
• You'll have to let me know how your Alaska cruise went for you.
• cruisemom42, thank you for the tip on the Hal board, I'll be sure to check it out!
• Thank you all again!
•  

[saturdaychef]

I take my hat off to the lot of you! It’s not being “brave”. It’s simply that we have no other option but to carry on. We had a surprise cruise booked for December 2020 for my husbands 60th. Covid made us defer the cruise, but meantime, as we all got locked down. My husband was diagnosed with cancer, March 2020, but it had already spread. He passed away 7 months later. 
we all eventually took the cruise in December 2021. I at least had my son his wife and two grandchildren, also my daughter with her 9month old baby to share the cruise with. 
It was very weird, Terribly sad, even heartbreaking not having him there with me, we had been on many cruises over our 40yrs together. All the things we would’ve done together, the laughs, the sharing, the experiences. 
I’ve not ventured to have a solo cruise yet. Maybe one day. Thank you all for sharing your stories and taking the time to read mine. 

[shippmates]

So sorry for your loss.  I lost my husband of 50 years 18 months ago.  We had a TA on the Queen Mary 2 to celebrate this milestone and he made me promise I would go on this trip.   I did go 8 months after his passing because I had promised him I would and he wanted to be buried at sea.  It was very hard but I met some wonderful people who were so understanding and helped me with this process.  I have since sailed on 3 more solo cruises and have several more booked.  We loved to cruise many times a year so I continue that only going to Europe instead of the Caribbean.  You will know when you are ready.