Voyage of the darned - explorer 5/8/10

Here’s my semi-demented take on the Explorer 5 day to Bermuda on 5/8/10. Our travelling circus for this trip consisted of the wife and I, two relatively normal friends, one incredibly beautiful model friend and the cruising industry’s first ever fully paid and registered homeless person. It would take too long to explain, but the CC members who we met on board can tell you the full story.

After two perfect cruises on RCI, I was disappointed for the first time right at the start of this trip. No it wasn’t the Great Delay, or the fact that we lost an entire day aboard or even that RCI didn’t offer any OBC or other compensation for the loss. There are too many people on those wagons already so I’ll just keep doing things backwards.

Nope, MY great disappointment was RCI’s incredible ability to handle crowds. After getting in the car at 5:00 PM instead of 9:30 AM, I spent the entire ride to Cape Liberty anticipating the sheer amusement value of 3,000 or so fully teed off New Yorkers all getting to the dock at the same time. I figured we’d get to watch some hellacious arguments and probably 5 or so arrests but no dice. RCI handled it all well enough (even passing out the famous dirty water ptomaine hot dogs NY people love so much) that the worst we heard was some moderate schizoid type mumbling from three people who avoided smuggling their booze by drinking it at the dock and some miscellaneous gastrict windstorms, undoubtedly from the people who hit the hot dogs early on. As long as we stayed downwind, we were fine with that and it actually lent a certain musical quality to our wait for Bus #7.

Cape Liberty itself is pretty much a rathole as cruise ports go. Once we left the car, we walked through the Corleone bridal tent and into a palatial warehouse that looks like the cargo freighter just left and didn’t take the rats. Fortunately, we were only there an hour or so and the RCI personal, who had to be exhausted, were just terrific at sorting out all the mess.

Once on the ship I was again surprised by the crew members who had just lost a colleague, spent 9 hours going in circles, had probably had no sleep for 36 hours and were now expected to greet 3,500 more guests with attitude and keep the MDR open for all until 1:00 AM. Serial killers have less reason to be grouchy but every staff member we met smiled and acted like they had just come from a week at the Spa. Truly amazing.

We hit the Cabins and then down to the MDR at about 10:30. Open seating usually means demolition derby time,but four of us we were seated right away at a table for eight. This turned out to be lucky since I spent the next half hour trying to find the model and looking in every home for our Homeless. I’m sure our waiter was thrilled to serve four people, then one more and then one more after that. He was great though and while he got into a totally hysterical insult duel with Mr. Homeless, he didn’t seem to mind Model joining us at all. Imagine that. I actually wish we had gotten him for the entire week but then again, he would have cost me and extra $100.00 in tips so maybe I lucked out.

After dinner it was time to explore the Explorer (sorry). We do this one drink at a time and by 2:00 AM we didn’t really remember too much about geography. I’m always amused by the fact that the minute my wife walks up the prow, she morphs from an "in bed by 9:30" person to a demon eyed creature who has the Casino staff BEGGING her to lett them close up. Anyway, with muster drill staring us in the bleary eyed face at 10:15 AM, we called it an early cruise night at around 3:00.

First sea day brought muster drill, which is easy on RCI. We figured we’d get up late, let the crowd have breakfast and eat after the drill. Unfortunately, so did almost everyone else and the result was a lunatic plunge into a reverse version of the Towering Inferno. 3,000 people going UP ten decks on six elevators is not great math. By the time we got to the Windjammer, the herd looked like a Carnival circus. In three trips on RCI, this was the only time I’ve ever felt crowded and boy, did we make up for it with this one.

PART 2 BELOW

My next adventure was traversing God’s little joke for cruisers, the gulf stream. I’m the only person I know who is both (1) hyper sensitive to motion sickness (I get sick watching a merry go round) and (2) stupid enough to get on a ship in the North Atlantic with a beam sea the whole way. I brought enough drugs to keep Hunter Thompson happy but it took me two days to figure out the combinations and dosages necessary to just sweat quietly instead of doing a technicolor yawn every hour on the hour.

Sunday at 2:00 PM was our little informal meeting of the CC Roll Call in what used to be my "at sea" office - the Viking Crown Lounge. We met a great bunch of people, watched my new best friend Twinkie drink every color known to man and a few we hadn’t thought of, and just had a great old time in general. It was here that I found out that Jack Daniels mediates meclizine to form the perfect anti-sea sick combination. HUZZAH!!! Unfortunately, we didn’t run into each other nearly enough (or at least they were smart enough to avoid me) the rest of the way.

Bermuda was great, if a little cool for the beach going crowd. The combination of our late arrival at Dockyard together with Dusty living on model time meant we missed the 11:30 ferry to St. George. We decided to tour by bus and, having now seen what Bermuda calls "roads" I’m glad we didn’t rent mopeds. The interesting part was that the driver from King’s Wharf to Hamilton apparently liked Qualudes with her coffee while the driver from Hamilton to St. George must have had lunch in crystaline form. Really different experiences on the two hour ride to St. George.

We really enjoyed having an overnight port for the first time. This let us relax and take many pictures, none of which were turista type scenery images because every time I tried to get a shot, Dusty kept getting in the way. See what I mean:

Head back to the dock on the 4:00 PM ferry. Really easy and really relaxed rather than hustling down the dock and jumping across the gangway as they pull it in.

The highlight of Day 2 in Bermuda was my wife’s "Drown with the Dolphins" experience. We’re both pretty avid animal people so dunking herself into a tank with a bunch of mammals who are way smarter than our any Senator I can think of was pretty much her idea of heaven. Stayed right around the Dockyard all day and then back to the ship about 2:30 for lunch and relax time. AHHHHHHH!

Anyway, the trip back was pretty much the same as the trip down, except we did it backwards. Since the Explorer ruins the VCL for me by turning it into a club scene at night, my group annexed a section of the Schooner Bar for the duration. It became our central meeting place to gather and compare after Karaoke, Trivia, many rounds of drinks, midrats every night at the Promenade Café, and of course waiting for the staff to toss my wife out of the Casino.

Disembarkation was seamless and we were off the ship and standing around Corleneville waiting for the limo by 9:30. Another great job by RCI.

I’ll post a summary rating of Explorer tomorrow right here but I think you can tell that except for the elevators and my Viking Crown being taken over by the rave bataalion, we thoroughly enjoyed this trip.

Just what I needed; a good laugh and you have provided that for me. Thank you very much.

I am doing this cruise in September, also on the Explorer.

Thank you for your very entertaining report, I appreciate the effort!

That was a great read :-)

hahahahaha, I hope your group is on my next cruise. Thanks for the review and a good laugh.

Got done early tonight so here's the summary by categories. It represents the consensus of the six of us, except for the cabin rating where the homeless guy didn't vote.

Embarkation: Despite the Delay, this was actually pretty well done. There was a HUGE line coming from Exit 14A to get into the port but, fortunately, we decided to hit bathrooms before joining what we assumed would be hours of waiting. Thus, we drove past all those cars about 100 feet past the port to a Wendy's. On the way back, from the opposite direction, there were no (that is ZERO) cars on line and we drove right in. Sometimes we get lucky. Anyway, we were through the port and on the ship by about 8:15 so we, at least, have no complaint. I understand others were not so lucky.

Cabin: We had 2 center hump balconies (8620 and 8302) and an inside (9349). Our cabin felt a bit tighter than our Enchantment balcony cabin but was plenty comfortable and the balcony was large by comparison. We also love this location (hard by the stern elevators) that my TA insisted upon. We thank her for that.

Cabin Steward: A very nice lady named Sandra who was excellent. I didn't even really meet her until we left Bermuda but she kept our cabin eerily clean. She also apparently despises messy desktops because anything I left on the desk got put away and I had several enjoyable scavenger hunts trying to find things. Tipped her extra for a great job.

MDR Food: Simply the best we've ever had on a cruise and rivaling some of our restaurants (not wedding halls) on land. Everything we ordered was consistently good. We even had an MDR lunch for the first time in our travel groups' recorded history and that was good also. Amazingly, the prime rib at 10:30 PM on the first night may have been the best meal of the week.

MDR staff: We had a great time with our one day waiter (Ghokan from Turkey) on the first night when he had to be exhausted. We ran into him all over the ship, including at midrats at 3:00 AM so we assume he never sleeps.

Our main waiter (Victor) and Ass't (John) both did a nice job for us. They were quick without making us feel rushed and refused no request. They well and truly earned the bit extra at the end of the cruise. This was also the first cruise where the head waiter came over every night. Really nice guy with a kind of young Bela Lugosi look to him but we're pretty sure he doesn't spend the daylight hours hanging upside down in the bilges. But then again, we never saw him during the day so you never know.

One thing I wish Royal would trash can is that stupid singing waiter routine. These people work hard enough without being required to do musical theater as well and it adds ZERO to our dining experi -ahhnce. I know what that's like because I was a musician myself until the monkey died.

Windjammer: Good food at all times but the sameness would get old on a longer cruise.

Cafe Promenade: Second best midrats on any ship we've sailed. (Carnival is the best). RCI pizza is still just a half step above Domino's but the little sandwhich thingies are terrific at 2:30 AM and they aren't big enough to make the drunks really hurl. Definitely a plus for Explorer.

Activities: My main complaint with RCI is they don't take Karaoke (which my crew enjoys) very seriously. This trip we were graced with Barbara Streisand's younger, slightly less talented sister and we had a great time watching her pretty much take over whatever was happening wherever it was. Everything else was pretty much cruise standard and the jokes by staff are REALLY stale at this point, except for Sonia in Maharajahs, who could just burp on stage and I'd watch her.

"Feel of the Ship": Our crew usually enjoys the smaller ships so I was curious to see this class. Except for the "grazing stampede" after muster drill and any time trying to get an elevator, Explorer does not feel crowded at all. RCI is still the best at crowd control and traffic flow throughout the ships' decks, but up and down-----not so much.

It's obvious this is also a tight ship. Crew is uniformly pleasant and almost all seem genuinely interested in doing the best job they can. No standout individuals this trip but that just means they're all good.

Elevators: Possibly out of frustration, this was the only place I saw pax occasionally get testy. Trying to cram a 300 lb woman onto a lift with 19 aboard can be a real adventure and I felt obligated to occasionally blocker for a wheelchair or two. RCI elevator design is the only place where the marine engineer needs to be beaten on the kidneys with long sticks.

Disembarkation: Seamless. Not even worth discussing. Even customs people were terrific and NO dealing with the insect authority of some of the TSA cretins.

All in all, a 4+/5 cruise.

PS: The people we met from the CC Roll Call were finest kind, even the liberals. I highly recommend using the roll calls, since this was the first time I did it.

I love those dirty water hot dogs, especially if they've been cooking since the first day of spring.

Bravo, my friend, Bravo. I really thought you were going to "female dog" about embarkation. A line from my favorite movie, "Blazing Saddles" comes to mind.. ;You use your tongue better than a $2... Mr. Lamar' says it all.

A great review! You should join our Enchantment cruise group - you'd fit right in!

Only question: what cabins come with models? Been on Explorer twice, but the best bonus I ever got was a bathrobe....

Bravo, my friend, Bravo. I really thought you were going to "female dog" about embarkation. A line from my favorite movie, "Blazing Saddles" comes to mind.. ;You use your tongue better than a $2... Mr. Lamar' says it all.

CONGRATULATIONS KEN!!!!!!

Everything is spelled correctly.:):D

A great review! You should join our Enchantment cruise group - you'd fit right in!

 

Only question: what cabins come with models? Been on Explorer twice, but the best bonus I ever got was a bathrobe....

That's why the hump cabins are extra.:D

Actually, she's a friend who I brought with us to shoot locations. Take a look for Dusty at: http://bilsen.zenfolio.com if you'd like. I'm about 1/2 way done posting the pics.

Thanks really injoyed your TR. We will be on the EOS next Thursday, cant wait!:) Thanks again~

Sharon

Great review! :D I was laughing the whole time!

Great job John! Thanks for keeping it entertaining. I was actually able to read an entire review for a change.:D I'm glad you enjoyed the explorer, it's in my favorite class of ships...for now.

Excellent review! You can cruise with me anytime! :D

Entertaining post. I want to know more about bringing the homeless guy!

Ah, precious few cruise reviews around with Hunter Thompson references. Thanks for a good read.

Midrats and dead monkey ex-musicians? Man, I think we share some resume entries. If I wasn't such a seasoned drinker I'd have spit out my rum while reading the Bermuda bus driver descriptions! We're heading out on the Ex next Thursday, and I wish you were on the cruise. I like the way you think....

Fantastic review!

Great review, except, it was so entertaining I want MORE:p

Thanks to all. Glad you enjoyed my little rant.;)

Thanks for the very entertaining review :D. I also want to know more about the 'homeless' guy!

Thanks John for the best review EVER!

Can you PLEASE go on another Cruise real soon so we can have another review!

Great review...Thank you for the morning laugh!!

Thanks Ak, Cruisefor and RS. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

CruiseForUs - there's a little matter of my son's wedding keeping me shore based until 2011. Thanks for the thought though. If it will help, take a read of my Alaska and Canada journals in my sig.They even have pictures with no pesky model in the way.

AND NOW BY POPULAR REQUEST, the secret of the Homeless Traveller.

The last memeber of our group, one of my closest friends, likes the adrenal thrill of playing chicken with the cruise lines. He waits until the very last possible minute to sign up but he always goes and ususally gets some real last minute bargains.

This time he got skunked. By the time he was ready to book, the cruise was pretty much sold out and inside cabins were more expensive than my hump balcony. However, my wife (who has finally lost it after 28 years married to me) realized that our model friend Dusty was travelling solo, so we knew where there was an open bunk.

Three calls to our TA (who is used to us) ended with my friend booked into a cabin that he couldn't set foot in. The plan was to stow his gear with us and find alternate accomodations to sleep. This would make him not only the ultimate chair hog but the world's first "Man Without A Cabin". He now swears that the little nook in the Aquarium bar (port side) is the most comfortable place to stretch out and meet the late night cleaning staff.

Obviously, the chance to be a historic figure was worth whatever inconvenience he endured. We also had a backup plan to use the couch in our cabin until we realized that (1) it was 4 feet long and (2) the wife wasn't joining any balcony club that included a forward observer. So much for Plan B. Friendship, no matter how longstanding, only goes so far.

So that's it. I have no secrets left to tell but one more story.

On Wednesday night, after a day at sea, we all gave in and decided to let him sleep a full night in the cabin while Dusty joined wife and I in an all night pub crawl. As he was dragging his suitcase down the hall he ran into two of the cabin staff who were somewhat curious what this idiot was doing moving IN to a cabin on the last sea day. His response was to shrug his shoulders, tell them "I just got here" and take advantage of their confusion to lock himself in for the night.

and NOW you know................................the rest of the story.