My Beautiful Dark Twisted Review - Conquest 12.26.10 - New Year's Eve

[xerenthar]

these people never got off the boat. we're getting back on.

chickens *****

hangin with big black dick

[xerenthar]

sailaway

 

coz will take a while because there are so many pictures and drinks.

 

a sidenote: sometime earlier in the week i got the bitter 'n blanc. i don't even like bread pudding. it was the best dessert of the cruise. way better than the WCMC. sorry to the faithful on that side of the war that never ends.

[xerenthar]

love that http://boards.cruisecritic.com/showthread.php?t=1339233 this reviewer was at nachi and right next to me at the chef's table

[hlb76]

waiting for more.....

 

 

I also agree the bitter and blanc beats WCMC anyday!! It's my favorite!

[djcass4199]

Great review so far!

[ATL2LAS]

Excellent review...always good to see a fresh perspective from a new set of eyes. Keep it coming.

[xerenthar]

december 31, 2010 - NYE/cozumel/****show

 

PART ONE - COZUMEL

 

this is the day that ceight and i looked forward to with great anticipation and trepidation. it would likely be the most fun day of the cruise, but also the largest chance for superhangovers and limb breaking.

 

we arrive at cozumel at 9. while our reservation at nachi cocom is 9-5, there's no need for 8 hours of drinking, 3 of which is before 12. we hit 9 for some food a bit after 9am, and get off the ship around 10. look around a bit, dodge the ravenous jewelry sellers and car rental companies, get a cab and head to nachi.

 

on the road, ceight mentions that the cab driver is flying down the road. she has a fare sheet in front of the left half of her speedometer, so i can only see the needle NOT being above 60 MPH. only after she moves it do i realize her speedometer is broken and we've got to be rolling above 90. sounds good with me.

 

we arrive, pay our balance, stake out a palapa, get introduced to carlos, our waiter, whom we would see approximately once the entire day, and marvel. this place is what paradise looks like. it LOOKS like a postcard... it almost doesn't even look real, it's so perfect. we go into the sea for a minute. it's cold. we see the pool and hot tub with the swim-up bar. we stop at the bar on the way to the swim-up bar. it's mexico, so we tourist it up with margaritas. backstory on this: ceight attended a festivity we call "cinco de montho" here in ann arbor, which features $1 tequila shots. she has refused tequila ever since. i told her that we'd have to tequila in mexico. she relented on margaritas, but stated that there would be no shots.

 

we find the hot tub full, but the attached pool empty. to get the pain over with, i jump in. it's approximately 4 degrees. i understand why it's empty. i go over to the swim up bar and enjoy there's an underwater bench. too bad it's so cold. we get more drinks and head over to the hot tub. thankfully, it is not the 900 degree hot tub of the sun pool area. it's attached to the icepool, so it's a lot cooler than a hot tub normally is. that's good, because we aren't leaving.

 

we meet some fellow travelers. there are 6 ships in port, a HAL, a princess, 2 royal, and 2 carnival. a group assumes that we all have the same HAL towels and one rails against carnival for a good 10 minutes, calling its passengers "ghetto." i later learn that it's because the kid i met, now 17, was mugged of his arcade tokens when he was 10 on a carnival ship. we all agree that it's pretty funny. havinsnest's husband and his co-worker are in the hot tub, hereinafter the "cool tub" due to its temperature. hence, the tequila shots commence.

 

we chat with our fellow cool tub temporary residents, who are the cool kids. who needs such boring activities such as "laying out" when there's all-you-can-booze booze on the agenda. havinsnest-husband, havinsnest-husband-coworker, ceight, and i chat about the conquest and continue the tequila shots.

 

around 2:30, we decide to order lunch. the guacamole was fantastic, the fajitas were amazing, especially after i asked for "the hottest salsa they have", and it was overall delicious. we ordered from the bar instead of our water. eternally classy.

 

after our feast, we head back to the cool tub for more shots. as the bad idea bears would say, more drinks... more fun!

 

two unnamed parties stagger over to the cool tub and discreetly (read as: loudly, right next to the bartender) inform us that they have been cut off of the shots (but not the booze), and would like us to get them shots. the bartender glares at all parties involved.

 

after a few more shots and drinks, we decide it may be time to bid a fond farewell to nachi cocom. it's around 4, with the ship sailing at 5. we request a cab, the bartender tells us when it's there. he offers us a parting tequila shot, we run into the sea one more time, and head back to port.

 

we hit up the duty free shop. i want to buy some decent tequila we can't buy in the USA. i have about 5 samples. i buy a gift set of revolucion tequila.

 

i spy fat tuesday's right by the dock, and we have time. ceight had never been to fat tuesday's. i had been to one in las vegas, and remember the "190 Octane" drink, so named for its 190-proof everclear alcoholic content. i decide we should split one. i order a yard of 190 Octane, and ceight yells "two!" at the bartender. i look at the two yard-long 190 Octanes with dismay and dread as i pay. ceight apologizes.

 

we drink and walk, and ask if we can bring our yard-tall drinks onboard, promising we will stand next to the x-ray and finish them until 5 if we can't. we immediately go to the pool on 9 to make drunk asses of ourselves. ceight finishes half her drink, i finish one and a half. the intoxication level reaches critical mass, and we decide to avert disaster by taking a pre-dinner nap. wake-up call set for 7:30PM. this saga will continue in a later post...

 

photos of part 1:

[xerenthar]

[xerenthar]

[xerenthar]

swim up bar :D :D :D

[xerenthar]

 

[xerenthar]

[Havinsnest]

two unnamed parties stagger over to the cool tub and discreetly (read as: loudly, right next to the bartender) inform us that they have been cut off of the shots (but not the booze), and would like us to get them shots. the bartender glares at all parties involved.

 

I want to make absolutely certain no one thinks *I* am one of these drunkards.

 

I can't make the same statement on behalf of my beloved and our friend...who have now sworn off tequila. :rolleyes:

[RAMSJUNKIE887]

I want to make absolutely certain no one thinks *I* am one of these drunkards.

 

I can't make the same statement on behalf of my beloved and our friend...who have now sworn off tequila. :rolleyes:

 

 

LMAO sure buddy. Its ok we've all been there and done that in cozumel at least once.

[xerenthar]

LMAO sure buddy. Its ok we've all been there and done that in cozumel at least once.

 

:D indeed...

[Havinsnest]

LMAO sure buddy. Its ok we've all been there and done that in cozumel at least once.

 

My favorite thing is watching the drunks come back on ship. Now I am related to one of them.

 

I don't drink which makes drunk watching even better as I take pictures. It's the second best Cheap Entertainment around. Right behind toddler flag football and tee ball.

[bonstersd]

Lovin this review and waiting (somewhat patiently) for the rest!

[capndinghy]

This is one of the best reviews I have ever read!

[xerenthar]

well thanks everyone.

 

PART TWO - NEW YEARS' EVE

 

our wake-up call at 7:30PM came and went, with the idea that we'll set my phone's alarm to 7:50PM. as you may have read, iPhones had issues with the new year and alarms not working. needless to say, we woke up promptly at 10PM. ****.

 

we eye the tiny bit of orange liquid left in the yard tall plastic drinks (on the floor, tipped over) warily and with a bit of suspicion. consulting the fun times, we notice there won't be any food until the gala buffet. but there will certainly be alcohol.

 

we head over to the pre-deck party inside the lobby. it's loud, the music's irritating, there are children everywhere, it's cramped, and i'm sober. we head up to 9 on general principle. i forget my cigar. we head back down to 1 to get the montecristo #2 i had recently bought. horrified, i notice that i don't have a cigar cutter (the TSA would have none of that.) even more horrified, alfred's cigar bar is closed due to god knows what. we head up to 9 again. edwin had talked us into reserving a bottle of champagne the night before, assuring us there are "affordable options from $20 or $30!" not having any of this "rational advice" crap, we pick up our $90 bottle of veuve cliquot (all-in) which is surprisingly a good price given what they could charge, and that i've seen it at restaurants for triple digits.

 

we search for chairs for the deck party, as it's too hard to hold a bucket of champagne, champagne glasses, and cigars. we find some on 10 in between a family having a great time and some old people that may have been asleep. the old person that wasn't asleep periodically smoked a cigarette, which made me feel better about smoking my cigar on the wrong side of the ship. i wonder who gave all these children noisemakers.

 

the deck party was awesome. there were tons of people, there was lots of fun had (in both intangible and liquid form). the gala buffet was extravagant and pretty underpopulated. the mini breakfast that followed it was even better, as i had a giant bowl of bacon while the bacon cop was distracted. somewhere around here the deck party REALLY died down.

 

we ran into kim harrison, the comedian. she was just as awesome wandering around drunk as on stage.

 

after retrieving some iced tea, we head to the casino for some gambling. the casino's really full, and is staying open later than normal. sometime around 4AM it's announced that the casino will be closing in 15 or so minutes. it's about this time our blackjack dealer (sadly, i do not remember her name. she was an east Asian female though) became snarky, and eventually downright rude. 5 or so minutes in, she made a quip about wanting to go to sleep, and how we should just leave now. i stayed out of spite. when it was officially closed, she muttered something about finally getting to leave and walked off. i had heard stories of carnival employees being rude to customers and the service being lacking - it had overwhelmingly been FALSE the entire cruise. this dealer was the first i had seen - but it was really, really glaring.

 

bedtime, and some room service ordered. nothing big. toast with an appropriate number of jellies.

 

chronological disruption: i'd be remiss if i didn't mention that during the chef's table, the magician "Barman" came and gave us all a private performance. he was AWESOME. even watching him like a hawk very close to his hands, no one was able to see the trick.

 

FUN TIMES REVIEW:

 

wow, this was a hilarious fun times.

 

the most surprising is that the Shore Excursion desk was deemed to be the #1 in "Today's Top Ten", with the silver going to the new year's eve party. really? the shore excursion desk is really the highlight here?

 

the real highlight though is the "Beat the Cruise Director" blackjack event, which states that "James will be in full Party mode and it's your chance to say 'Yeeehaaw' I beat the Cruise Director." not even joking.

 

PICTURES:

 

[xerenthar]

[xerenthar]

i am unsure why i took this picture

 

[xerenthar]

1/1 will be up today, and maybe all of it. :)

[NatPatBen]

Having just returned Sunday from the Conquest, I can agree that Barman is excellent. I made sure to catch his show at least 5 of the 7 nights.

 

I WAS able to tell how he did a few of the tricks as he had a slip here or there, but was still very impressed.

 

Also, at the Illusionist show one night, I was sitting on the outside edge of the second row and could see a bit more than someone in the middle. I could tell how she did a couple of hers, too. I wish I had gone to both of her shows and sat in the same spot; knowing what to look for, I think I could've figured more out.

[pacarolinagirl]

LOVE your review. I think it would be so awesome to be on a cruise for New Years. :)

[xerenthar]

1/1 - Fun Day at Sea!!

 

banana, cereal, guava jelly and toast. naturally. this was our last chance to do all the things we hadn't done: eat breakfast and lunch in the dining room, get a massage (for me, g/f already got one), buy stuff at the Fun Shops, etc.

 

rather than breakfast/lunch in the MDR, we hit brunch on 9 with some mimosas at the Sky Bar. i notice in our Fun Times that there's a deal with two different massages for 50 minutes (the #9 attraction of all day, by the way.) i make an appointment. we bum around the pool/hot tub until the 3:30pm towel folding seminar. we may have been the only people over 18 who were not carting around a child. it was awesome. we made some towel animals. g/f is slightly better than me at this.

 

afterwards, i get something at the impressions bar for $2.24. for the life of me, i cannot figure out what i possibly would have gotten for this price. i go check out the designer watch sale. i figure out that it follows all the other "sale" themes - sell the items at the same price they are all cruise, but advertise the "sale" and show that they're X% off of retail on land. great, guys. thanks a lot. pass.

 

i hit the spa. the massage was good, the after-massage sales pitch was pretty minimal and not too pushy. it was expensive, but it was quite relaxing. there are less than 30 minutes from the time they swiped my S&S at the spa to the next charge at the bar.

 

i spend $9 to print out two boarding passes. we run into the cabin stewardess who gave us our new year's eve celebration stuff so we can have it as a keepsake, we tell her we were passed out. upon inspection, i see the answer to my earlier "who the **** gave all the children noisemakers?" question. we talk about towel animals. she shows us the towel animal book. g/f buys one.

 

we hit up the final dining room experience. it was bittersweet. we reminisce with stalker-girl (who we ran into at 330AM in a random restroom on NYE, mind you) about the good times. for the finale "you're leaving our fun-ship" song, as per normal, Jonathan was ecstatic for the singing and dancing, and the always staid John made himself scarce and found the largest tray of food to carry instead. it was sad.

 

i had yet to play bingo on this cruise, and since it is a cruising institution, we head to the $10K coverall. we each buy a triple card. i learn that the $10k is only if you get all 25 spots in 30 pulls, a quite improbable proposition. it drops to $2k by the time someone gets bingo. about 7 people get it at once, and they earn $300 or so for their trouble.

 

we hit the Fun Shops. the liquor salesman was unwilling to mix and match or negotiate whatsoever, so i shrugged and left. the sangster's rum cream is probably better anyway (as i found out, it's amazing. especially on ice cream.) g/f wanted a ring (not that kind... well, not from there.) she picks out a tanzanite one that fits in what she wanted to spend, and really likes it. the salesman proceeds to parade 3 more rings that cost no less than $700 more than the one she wanted in front of her. he senses that we lose a bit of our patience, and is content with his sale.

 

we stop by carnival legends, it's embarrassingly bad, we go pack our stuff. the ship is rocking immensely (25 foot waves) and there's luggage everywhere, plus i'm inebriated. i don't actually fall (unlike an incident i forgot to mention where i slid on my ass down the entire stairs from the waterslide. it hurt so bad) but it was crazy.

 

afterwards we're ready to rock. it's 12 or so. we hit the casino and then the disco...and then at 1AM everything is closed. EVERYTHING. does anyone know why this is? even the disco, long home of the 4am ****show, is closed. it was very sad. we get some diet cokes to top off and sadly go back to our room. a pretty sad and lackluster end to the cruise.

 

anachronistic moment: i don't know if i mentioned this and i'm too lazy to check, but whoever decided to put "family karaoke" with children in the CASINO in the middle of the afternoon whenever that was is awful. people actually left due to some idiotic child warbling through bohemian rhapsody, obviously at the prodding of some worthless parent who thought it'd be adorable for little kieffer to sing a song he's never heard of, that's 239542395235 minutes long, has operatic vocals, and he's never heard the lyrics to other than his shrill glass-piercing headache-inducing "MAMAAAAAA" that actually made ME want to stop gambling and drinking there. if you are reading this, don't do it ever again.

 

FUN TIMES RUNDOWN:

 

this one wasn't too bad. i was pretty sure that the "debarkation information" wasn't the most exciting thing to happen today, and watching our cruise director do the wake-up show "live on the Sea Side Theater on Lido Deck 9" was certainly not the #7 thing to do.

 

i note the fun times says the casino tables are open "until late." this was false. :(

 

PICTURES:

 

only three, and all are towels. the first one g/f made, the others were in room