Princess Set to Announce New Personal Choice Program?

[spongerob]

The following message was sent to me after being retrieved from a Santa Clarita dumpster. I am confident of its authenticity, since it was sent to me by an unnamed source sealed in a jar of Peter Pan peanut butter. I am having to copy this by hand and I apologize in advance for any spelling errors or omissions. I cannot quite make out the signature, it appears to be someone named Swift but there's a smear of PB hiding the position that Mr. or Ms. Swift holds within the Princess heirarchy.

 

 

A Modest Proposal For a New Princess Business Plan

 

Dress codes, pricing, perks, and amenities engender heated debate among those who cruise. It is Princess' fault that all of this is taking place. Our attempt to create a product that appeals to the most people and our lack of resolve in maintaining any standards have resulted in chaos. Pre-emptive action must be taken before these differences in opinion break out into full-blown hostility during a cruise. We do not want to witness a battle between the nattily-clad traditionalists and comfortably-clothed non-conformists in the dining room. It is our goal that everyone, regardless of social standing, be able to exercise their personal choice while cruising. I therefore submit the following modest proposal.

 

Princess will divest itself of any ship that does not have at least two dining rooms. The dining rooms will be divided into two classfications, "Separate But Equal", and "Equal". Larger ships that have a third dining room will add a "More Than Equal" classification. Dining status will be assigned based upon cabin selection.

 

Separate But Equal, Equal, and More Than Equal apply to all aspects of ships' services and offerings as follows:

 

Separate But Equal Class will have Come-As-You-Are Dining with no restrictions on dress other than passengers must be dressed in some manner that covers all the naughty bits. Meals will be served using the tried and true Hometown Buffet model. Each passenger will be issued one plate, set of silverware, and packet of moist towelettes for use while dining throughout the cruise. Tipping will be eliminated. All services normally provided by crew members will be charged at a standard rate. A self-serve dishwashing facility will be available. Passengers will also have a menu of made-to-order items available to them when entering the mess hall (wording crossed out on original document) dining facility. A chit will be issued after payment is made. The orders will be available at a pick-up window with a large display indicating the order number that is ready.

 

Separate But Equal passengers will be encouraged, but not required, to show off their finest dress on NASCAR night. A special menu includes burgers, hot dogs, freedom fries, beer, beer-flavored ice cream, and beer.

 

Cabin service will be provided using a similar schedule of tariffs for requested services. Separate But Equal passengers can choose the services they wish on a daily basis simply by hanging a pre-printed order form on their cabin door prior to retiring. If that nasty wad of hair in the shower drain does not cause a concern, simply exclude that item and your steward will be happy to leave it in place until you decide that it should be removed.

 

Separate But Equal passengers will no doubt cruise with minimal luggage, so they will be permitted to carry their own bags on and off the ship through their own gangplank. It is also assumed that Separate But Equal passengers will bring their own supplies of alcoholic beverages and mixers. Glasses, ice, and even little fruity garnishes on sticks can be purchased for a small fee at the commissary.

 

Use of pools and loungers is available to Separate But Equal passengers. Towels and chaise lounges will be available for rental at the Separate But Equal Pool. Separate But Equal passengers who attempt to bring their own loungers on board will have them confiscated, to be returned at the time of disembarkation. Video programming is provided at no extra charge 24/7! Passengers are asked to provide their own videos on Betamax media so that compatability with the playback system can be assured. Princess regrets to inform its passengers that VHS, DVD, 8mm, and other media formats cannot be supported.

 

Due to the extremely low fares provided to our Separate But Equal passengers, there will be no discounting, rebating, incentives, or credits offered to those who book Separately.

 

For those who want to experience a higher level of sophistication, Princess offers its Equal Class of cruising. Equal Class replaces Grand Class cruising. It's not quite the same, but it's still pretty good. Equal Class is specifically designed to appeal to our Middle America passengers. Dining is provided in the Equal dining room, and includes nightly menus centered around beef, potatos, nacho cheese, and cobblers. Other menu items that include seafood, fowl, or vegetables can be ordered for a fee.

 

Full cabin service and waiter service is provided for a nominal $10 per day service fee that has thoughtfully been included in the fare. Requests for refunds due to complaints will be handled by a specially-trained staff provided solely for our Equal Customers, from 0430 to 0530 every morning except port days.

Equal Class passengers can make use of all Sun and Lido Deck facilities, including chaise lounges and pools. Nightly entertainment is provided in both show lounges. The only restriction upon Equal Class passengers is that they must move if requested by passengers who have booked our More Than Equal package.

 

A truly sumptuous cruise experience will be provided to those lucky passengers able to book our More Than Equal classification of service. More Than Equal class passengers will experience amenities such as individual butler service, an unlimited menu, personal chefs, personal trainers to undo what you personal chef has done, restroom valets, your own lifeboats, and upgraded toilet tissue.

 

There is nothing that Princess will not do to make sure our More Than Equal passengers receive the finest care and attention available at sea. A professionally trained security guard will escort More Than Equal passengers any time they must pass through areas used by Equal and Separate But Equal passengers. Only the finest crystal stemware, china, and silverware will be used, all of which will be immediately disposed of overboard after use to prevent possible transmission of disease.

 

More Than Equal passengers will be expected to maintain the highest standards of dress. Custom-shredded and distressed designer jeans will be permitted only if accompanied by the original sales receipt from Neiman-Marcus and a hand-written letter from the designer. Faxed copies are not acceptable.

 

More Than Equal: For those who have enough money to be better than everyone else, and want everyone to know it. If you have to ask, you can't afford it.

 

Princess Cruise Lines hopes that providing these classes of service will eliminate needless aggravation and worry amongst our passengers. Each passenger uses their Personal Choice to select the services they desire, comfortable in the knowledge that they will not be paying for anything they do not need or intend to use, and that others aren't receiving something that they didn't pay for. Of course, everyone can use the casino. No matter the class it came from, the money spends just the same.

[coiran]

I lijke it!!

 

Ron

[catmand]

Love it.................I am giving some thought to Equal however prior to making a final decision I need to know, is there per chance a Splenda Class?

[Coral]

I think I need to revisit the zig-zag thread. :)

[Frugalist]

How will these changes affect cruise insurance?

 

I will certainly choose More Than Equal, but what if I suffer a stroke because the air is too thin up there where my nose is stuck? Would that be covered?

[cherylandtk]

Love it.................I am giving some thought to Equal however prior to making a final decision I need to know, is there per chance a Splenda Class?

I heard rumors that the first ship to initiate this service will be the newly re-named Mafia Princess (nee California Princess, formerly Calafia Princess). In that case, it may be assumed that the Consigliere Service Level will be available, but only to fully initiated members.

[spongerob]

Martin Scorsese has been hired to direct a series of television commercials for Princess. Robert DeNiro and Joe Pesci will co-star.

[mii]

Love it.................I am giving some thought to Equal however prior to making a final decision I need to know, is there per chance a Splenda Class?

 

You know, Chuck you say things that make me laugh.:D :D I like it too.

 

Marilyn

[Clutterlady]

Wonderful.......Wonderful!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Can't wait till the flame ignites! It's going to be interesting to see what "certain" people have to say! Bravo

[Screwbit]

Wait a minute ! Isn't this ship flying the Cunard flag, under the name Queen Mary 2 ??????

[coiran]

I understand the captain will be the captain who sank the Oceanus in 91 or 92 - The entire crew, including the captain were on shore before they started evacuating pax. The pax found out when an entertainer went up to the bridge and found no one there!!

 

Ron

[ILUVCRUIZN]

This is too funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[kelleya]

Thanks! I needed this laugh!!!!!!! Too funny.....

[DrD]

You know, there's more than a little truth there. I especially like seperate dining rooms, that would solve alot of the dress controversy and tipping controversy. Perhaps 1 dining room for minisuites and up, and 2 for the rest.

 

Waiters would receive excellent tips in the upper class dining room, and thus only the most senior, experienced waiters would be allowed to work there.

 

Dresscodes would only apply in the upper class dining room. I'm not sure what to do about shows, though.

 

I wonder what it's like on Cunard? Does it work that way, or does the regular class dining room dress up just as much as the upper?

[calikak]

Wait a minute ! Isn't this ship flying the Cunard flag, under the name Queen Mary 2 ??????

 

Yep!

[kruisey]

Lousey weather in Vancouver grey brown clouds....thunderous rain ........well they call them showers.........if those are showers......I'd better start building my Ark now for when the rain arrives. :eek:

Anyway this thread has really brightened my day Spongrob :D :D :D

[LARGIN]

Sounds great.. Where do I signup?

[TwoCruisers]

After these changes take effect, we won’t need these cruise boards anymore.:eek:

[OhioDogLover]

Very funny!!:D

[peagreenid]

1. If I book an obstructed ocean view in the SBE Class, will we be underwater?

 

2. Can we Cart on our own "LAWN CHAIRS" so we don't have to pay for a

chaise lounge by the pool?

 

3. Can my DH wear a Tank top to dinner on formal night, as long as he shaves

his armpits?

 

 

All of these new rules have me confused. I sure hope you can help?

 

smiles Patty

[Jeepers385]

Too funny Sprongerob.:p

 

Debbie

[llandaff]

I feel I must complain!

 

I need a "Slightly More than Equal" category....... :/

[Lynda90]

Rob, that was great! :D Thanks for the laugh in what was turning out to be a rather dismal day.

[Ethel5]

I heard rumors that the first ship to initiate this service will be the newly re-named Mafia Princess (nee California Princess, formerly Calafia Princess). In that case, it may be assumed that the Consigliere Service Level will be available, but only to fully initiated members.

 

I heard this will only be available to members in good standing of the Knights of Columbus.:D

[ahracer]

Rob,

 

You've out done yourself on this one!! Can't wait to see what you write next time you get bored!

 

Scott