Mom trying to plan a trip with resistant teens

[Sweet Dutch Girl]

I would give him 2 choices. 1 you go on the cruise with us or 2. you make your whole family miss their vacation so you dont have to miss 4.5 hours of practice. but if you choose choice #2 then you will spend every other minute with the family. no cell no internet. no friends, no girl. we will have a cruise to our living room. and since mom would be on vacation and having the ship cook and clean for everyone and he is the only one that does not want to go he is depriving all the family of being pampered. then he can do all the cooking and cleaning. Watch he will magically no longer care about that 4.5 hours of practice. if he knows he cant see or talk to the girl then he would be willing to cruise. it might just teach him the world does not revolve aroung him. oh and my favorite choice # 3 when you pay the mortage, buy the food, pay for the insurance, you can choose when and where we go on vacation.

 

Guess you think a family is all about the parents being demigods and their children their "servants" and children should be seen and not heard and their feelings and interests and obligations don't matter a hoot. No wonder so many kids fly the coop at 18 and are rarely seen or heard from again.

 

Luckily, in our family, we have always thought of the unit as a safe place for personal expression and personal interests and everyone has a voice and a vote, no matter how young or how small.

 

The world, and a family, is so much better when love and compromise are part of the equation.

[Computer Nerd]

Essentially, Mom should not imply her reason for taking them is more important than their decision not to go. They are not young children rebelling, just choosing what's important to them.

 

when the kids are at least 18 and putting their own bread on their own table they can choose what's important to them. as long as they live under someone else's roof they are expected to follow someone else's rules.

[Seago2]

Guess you think a family is all about the parents being demigods and their children their "servants" and children should be seen and not heard and their feelings and interests and obligations don't matter a hoot. No wonder so many kids fly the coop at 18 and are rarely seen or heard from again.

 

Luckily, in our family, we have always thought of the unit as a safe place for personal expression and personal interests and everyone has a voice and a vote, no matter how young or how small.

 

The world, and a family, is so much better when love and compromise are part of the equation.

 

Agreed. Plus some people are not taking into account the child's obligation to his team and the wrath of coaches if you miss practice. It's not all about "I'm the adult and pay for everything so you do as I say". It's also about the commitment of the child to the team. It's just a part of being a parent. School obligations.

[Warm Breezes]

Guess you think a family is all about the parents being demigods and their children their "servants" and children should be seen and not heard and their feelings and interests and obligations don't matter a hoot. No wonder so many kids fly the coop at 18 and are rarely seen or heard from again.

 

Luckily, in our family, we have always thought of the unit as a safe place for personal expression and personal interests and everyone has a voice and a vote, no matter how young or how small.

 

The world, and a family, is so much better when love and compromise are part of the equation.

 

Agreed. Plus some people are not taking into account the child's obligation to his team and the wrath of coaches if you miss practice. It's not all about "I'm the adult and pay for everything so you do as I say". It's also about the commitment of the child to the team. It's just a part of being a parent. School obligations.

 

I agree with both of you. This is the way our family worked. My kids are now 19 and 22 and I am very proud of the people they have grown into. They both have a strong work ethic and strong commitment to family. I hope I have taught them that you can meet your (work, school, sports) obligations and family commitments by searching out compromises. So you can't go on vacations on certain weeks, make it work on the weeks you can. It may not be the vacation you originally planned but it can work for the whole family.

[belle2]

Just my two cents...you're the parent and he's the child. Yes child. If you want him to go it's your call, not his. Just be matter of fact about it.

 

 

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[deborahjo]

Just my two cents...you're the parent and he's the child. Yes child. If you want him to go it's your call, not his. Just be matter of fact about it.

 

 

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Agree 100%

 

 

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[Sweet Dutch Girl]

Just my two cents...you're the parent and he's the child. Yes child. If you want him to go it's your call, not his. Just be matter of fact about it.

 

What do you, as a parent, gain from forcing an older teen from following your will...probably a child who may be grumpy and uncooperative on a vacation and will, most likely, spoil everyone else's vacation. And the scars inflicted on everyone will raise their heads, again, at many an inopportune time.

 

Once children are given responsibility and find their place in the scheme of things it should be imperative to "listen" to them...and an 18 year old isn't a child, he is a young adult with a mind of his own, as much as some parents can't seem to grasp that.

 

The longer apron strings are kept tightly pulled the harder it is for their offspring to move forward, to make meaningful decisions about their paths, to become a part of a world they will inhabit for, hopefully, the next 60 years.

[sprint180]

We just had an issue like this. I pulled rank and said he was going. We had been planning this trip for a long time and my youngest son is graduating this year so there won't be to many more total family trips. I told him he was going. Nicely, explained why. And kindly told him attitude wasn't acceptable. What we got was a fabulous family trip. Everyone had fun. I only wish we could do it more often.

[Drazil65]

I am big on family time especially VACATION family time! He goes with the rest of the family, its 5 days out of 365 that he can devote to quality family time. Look, you know that a vacation without him is not going to feel right and as it is Christmas break just let him know that he is yours for that week.

 

Let him know that things can change very quickly in families and if there is a chance to be together then that should be priority for all of you. Time will come when there will be spouses and jobs, babies, old age etc. when all of you will not be together.

 

He is 17 (or 18) and you are the mom, he will get over it. If he truly does not want to enjoy the cruise once he is on the ship then tell him to stay in his cabin, he will eventually come out.

Edited September 4, 2016 by Drazil65

[isaiahsnana]

And I can't remember many details of my senior year back in 1967 -1968. I can remember the name of the school, but not much more than that.

 

I did graduate with honors and a New York State Regents Scholarship, and went to Cooper Union in September of 68. But my senior H.S. year is just a hazy blur.

 

I graduated HS in 1965 with a college scholarship in Debate - I remember every tournament round I debated my senior year (for you debaters out there - the year we debated that the US government should pass universal health care for the aged - Medicare passed in November and we had to debate it the rest of the year!) Spent 4 years debating in college and coached it for 30 years at various high schools. I know what dedication to a team is all about, let him decide what to do and make sure there are lots of eyes on him.

[kassimer1]

Guess you think a family is all about the parents being demigods and their children their "servants" and children should be seen and not heard and their feelings and interests and obligations don't matter a hoot. No wonder so many kids fly the coop at 18 and are rarely seen or heard from again.

 

Luckily, in our family, we have always thought of the unit as a safe place for personal expression and personal interests and everyone has a voice and a vote, no matter how young or how small.

 

The world, and a family, is so much better when love and compromise are part of the equation.

 

wow i have no idea where you got that idea from that i think i am a demigod and think kids should be seen and not heard. I am my childs parent. it is my job to teach them and love them. I believe in teaching that you have to think before you act and that every decision you make affects more than you. yes their opinions matter, and obligations matter hence option # 2, if the only reason he does not want to go is his obligation and not the girl then there is no reason for him to not choose #2. and no i dont think him learning the world does not resolve around him and that there are consequences for his decisions that not only affect him but also everyone in the house is a bad thing. this is how the world is. you cant wrap your kid up in a bubble and let them get their way on every decision. If you do they are going to sink once they get in the real world. Hence again option # 2 he can go to practice because that it what he deems important to him. but because it is important to his parents to spend these 5 days as a family unit and spend time with them as a family before he turns 18 and then can do as he pleases, he will spend the time with family. also it teaches him that his decisions can cause more work for others in the family, hence, he can cook and clean since His choice would make his mom ( or Dad) do more work those 5 days. and as for your family everyone having a say and a vote then he has already lost since everyone else wants to go on a cruise. In my family my son also has a voice. his opinions matter. but when he wanted to not go on a vacation when he was 15 because of a girl whom he ended up breaking up with one month later) he was told no, he was going, why because we are a family. His father had a terminal illness and this was very important to both of us. was i a horrible parent because he didnt want to go? I guess you think so. but guess what, he has those memories forever, a lot longer than the girl lasted. what would he of had had we compromised and not went. He would of had Guilt and anger that he could of made one of his dads wishes come true and go on the cruise but we didnt because he didnt want to.

pS. My son and I have never been quiet. we still, even though he is now 21 have very noisy rambunctious foam sword fights.

[Computer Nerd]

What do you, as a parent, gain from forcing an older teen from following your will...probably a child who may be grumpy and uncooperative on a vacation and will, most likely, spoil everyone else's vacation. And the scars inflicted on everyone will raise their heads, again, at many an inopportune time.

 

Once children are given responsibility and find their place in the scheme of things it should be imperative to "listen" to them...and an 18 year old isn't a child, he is a young adult with a mind of his own, as much as some parents can't seem to grasp that.

 

The longer apron strings are kept tightly pulled the harder it is for their offspring to move forward, to make meaningful decisions about their paths, to become a part of a world they will inhabit for, hopefully, the next 60 years.

 

We just had an issue like this. I pulled rank and said he was going. We had been planning this trip for a long time and my youngest son is graduating this year so there won't be to many more total family trips. I told him he was going. Nicely, explained why. And kindly told him attitude wasn't acceptable. What we got was a fabulous family trip. Everyone had fun. I only wish we could do it more often.

 

you also got a kid who is probably not spoiled and doesn't think the world revolves around him. :)

Edited September 4, 2016 by Computer Nerd

[Domino D]

Need a countdown clock to this post going "POOF"

[Drazil65]

Luckily, in our family, we have always thought of the unit as a safe place for personal expression and personal interests and everyone has a voice and a vote, no matter how young or how small.

 

I believe OP stated that everyone else in family voted yes, so I would say majority rules and its a done deal! You can rarely get a straight "yes" vote from all parties involved (no matter what the situation is) and someone may be disappointed with the outcome, its called a democracy. Sometimes the mom needs to make an executive decision and say "no" to someone, her son will be fine and more than likely be better off for it! ;)

[Domino D]

I believe OP stated that everyone else in family voted yes, so I would say majority rules and its a done deal! You can rarely get a straight "yes" vote from all parties involved (no matter what the situation is) and someone may be disappointed with the outcome, its called a democracy. Sometimes the mom needs to make an executive decision and say "no" to someone, her son will be fine and more than likely be better off for it! ;)

 

You do realize, that the OP last posted 7 days ago, and she said she was leaning towards letting the boy stay home with his aunt. You all are arguing among yourselves.

Edited September 4, 2016 by Domino D

[luvtheships]

Those saying let him stay home do you realize home is Atlanta not Florida?

 

I'm presuming that if the family drives to Florida to visit the grands then that means the kid needs to fly back at holiday airfares $$$$. Get from airport to home...which may mean more $$$

 

Heck I say I live in New York but when I fly in or out of NYC airports is costs an addition $$$$ to get home to my suburbs home 30 minutes north of NYC.

 

 

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[spiritkat090909]

....

 

He would miss 3 days of a 1.5 hr practice, but he feels as a captain he should not go. This is the only time the 5 of us have together and I have to take what time I have left with them under my roof -to instill the important stuff.

 

JMO, you DID instill the important stuff. He wants to live up to his commitment as a Captain, and he is right about HIS commitment. He should stay home. That said, the rest of you should go. He sounds like an upstanding, well behaved, responsible 17 year old who could be left home with perhaps a friend or neighbor to check on things. Or maybe he could stay with someone else on his team?

 

He made a commitment, the rest of the family did not. Another lesson?

[oklahoma cruiser]

haven't read all the responses, but maybe you could move the cruise to spring break? yes, it's a different feel than a christmas cruise....but it might be a good compromise. we are quickly approaching the times where family vacations won't happen as regularly, too....so I feel your pain.

[berrieh]

you also got a kid who is probably not spoiled and doesn't think the world revolves around him. :)

 

If the lesson is "I make the money so I call the shots", you might have a kid who grows up to think the world revolves around him when he makes the money. Or I'm older so I call the shots. Or I'm in charge so I call the shots. The most powerful way to teach empathy is to model it, not dictate it from only your "lessers".

Edited September 4, 2016 by berrieh

[Computer Nerd]

If the lesson is "I make the money so I call the shots", you might have a kid who grows up to think the world revolves around him when he makes the money. Or I'm older so I call the shots. Or I'm in charge so I call the shots. The most powerful way to teach empathy is to model it, not dictate it from only your "lessers".

 

have no desire to teach empathy. the kid needs to learn that there are those who are in charge and those in charge also have the responsibility for the decisions they make. when the kid is not in charge, he has to obey orders. when he is in charge, he can make the orders. it's just that simple.

 

you obviously have never spent time in the military or if you were, you were one of 'those' guys who could never figure out how to follow orders. :rolleyes:

[Drazil65]

If the lesson is "I make the money so I call the shots", you might have a kid who grows up to think the world revolves around him when he makes the money. Or I'm older so I call the shots. Or I'm in charge so I call the shots. The most powerful way to teach empathy is to model it, not dictate it from only your "lessers".

 

This is a little extreme in determining the motive of the mother, it is only about a mother trying to hold on to a family tradition for what little time she has to make a trip like this happen. There are times when teens (especially) need to adjust and Christmas break is one of those times for this family.

 

Its not like she is taking him to boot camp or asking him to do manual labor for 5 days outside in the snow and rain, ITS A CRUISE!!!! Geeze, he will be ok and I am sure he will be a productive member of society after the fact as well. :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:

[Club Disney Chandler]

have no desire to teach empathy. the kid needs to learn that there are those who are in charge and those in charge also have the responsibility for the decisions they make. when the kid is not in charge, he has to obey orders. when he is in charge, he can make the orders. it's just that simple.

 

 

 

you obviously have never spent time in the military or if you were, you were one of 'those' guys who could never figure out how to follow orders. :rolleyes:

 

 

It's not quite that easy for this kid though. He has a responsibility to his team and to his coach. A responsibility he accepted before mom decided to go on a vacation. His job right now is to be a leader on his team, and sometimes a persons job interferes with family life. To me, preparing a kid for adult life is teaching them that when they make a commitment, they must follow through with it.

 

 

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[tef43]

JMO, you DID instill the important stuff. He wants to live up to his commitment as a Captain, and he is right about HIS commitment. He should stay home. That said, the rest of you should go. He sounds like an upstanding, well behaved, responsible 17 year old who could be left home with perhaps a friend or neighbor to check on things. Or maybe he could stay with someone else on his team?

 

He made a commitment, the rest of the family did not. Another lesson?

^5

 

Mom could learn something from her son.

[YoureMoving]

I feel your pain.

But as you say, you knew this day was coming, you just thought you had one more.

I would say " son, this is important to me and this is all I want for Christmas, one last family vacation".

 

If he still doesn't want to go......... book for the rest of the family......( ps - if you keep the same room, you will be able to add him back on later)

 

That's a really good point. You could go ahead and book for the rest of the fam, and if he changes his mind, add him back in later. I'm sorry this is such a tough spot; I know it would be for me as well. He's old enough to stay home by himself, or with a trusted family friend if that would make you more comfortable. I have older teens, too, and we just booked our first vacation without our oldest. He'll still be in school at that time, but dang, it still hurt to think of going without him. This will be a learning experience for you all. Best of luck to you as you navigate this.

 

Gina

[berrieh]

have no desire to teach empathy. the kid needs to learn that there are those who are in charge and those in charge also have the responsibility for the decisions they make. when the kid is not in charge, he has to obey orders. when he is in charge, he can make the orders. it's just that simple.

 

you obviously have never spent time in the military or if you were, you were one of 'those' guys who could never figure out how to follow orders. :rolleyes:

 

I never joined the military, though I have no problem taking commitments seriously and listening to my boss since I chose my job and have the right to leave it as needed. If you treat teenagers like military captives (who never chose to join, frankly) with such militant expectations, I think you're building terrible relationships. That's my experience, seeing both styles of parenting, one where I was given reasonable choices, consideration, respected and valued and one like you describe.

 

I don't think growing up should be anything like the military though, so not sure why you would even bring that up!

 

This is a little extreme in determining the motive of the mother, it is only about a mother trying to hold on to a family tradition for what little time she has to make a trip like this happen. There are times when teens (especially) need to adjust and Christmas break is one of those times for this family.

 

Its not like she is taking him to boot camp or asking him to do manual labor for 5 days outside in the snow and rain, ITS A CRUISE!!!! Geeze, he will be ok and I am sure he will be a productive member of society after the fact as well. :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:

 

I was referring to the post I quoted and others that echoed that sentiment, not OP, who seems to be taking multiple perspectives, including her teens, under advisement and looking for compromises with empathy and grace.

 

I don't get a draconian vibe from her at all, though I do from the poster I quoted who seem to suggest it builds good character to be militant towards children and teens. I happen to disagree. I think it builds good character to model good character, which includes putting others before yourself, not just requesting your children do that.

Edited September 5, 2016 by berrieh