I want to...too expensive for guests?

[WeehawkenCruiser]

Hello and congratulations to everyone!

I am an avid cruiser and it is only fitting that I would like to get married on a cruise ship.

 

My fiance and I are looking into having a "cruise wedding" but are worried that it might be unfair to some of our more financially strapped guests.

 

How have you handled this? Would it be wrong to send an invitation out and go with the if you can not join us it is your loss attitude?

 

 

Would it be correct to pay for some people and not others?

 

We are trying to keep the prices low and are looking at a 2 day cruise to nowhere which would be $1390.oo TOTAL(fare+faxes+fuel+insurance) for 4 people for an inside room.

 

I am torn...HELP!!! :confused:

[esbie11]

Hello and congratulations to everyone!

I am an avid cruiser and it is only fitting that I would like to get married on a cruise ship.

 

My fiance and I are looking into having a "cruise wedding" but are worried that it might be unfair to some of our more financially strapped guests.

 

How have you handled this? Would it be wrong to send an invitation out and go with the if you can not join us it is your loss attitude?

 

 

Would it be correct to pay for some people and not others?

 

We are trying to keep the prices low and are looking at a 2 day cruise to nowhere which would be $1390.oo TOTAL(fare+faxes+fuel+insurance) for 4 people for an inside room.

 

I am torn...HELP!!! :confused:

 

Our original plans were to pay for all of our guests (about 24). However 3 months ago my fiance got laid off from work, so our plans had to change a bit. Now we are paying for some of our guests...the ones who otherwise could not afford to come. It was very important that my family be there, so that is why we are still paying for some family that cannot afford the trip on their own. These are the "must-have" people. We also invited some others who, if they can afford to come, great, and if not, oh well.

[Slippinx12]

You can always get married on the day of sailing and people who cannot afford to go on the cruise can come just for the day. We have a number of nonsailing guests coming for that very reason.

 

I was planning on doing the "come if you can, we understand if you can't" approach but then my mother decided she wanted to pay for her sisters and brother to come, so there are a few rooms being covered. I also paid for my maid of honor's cruise because she wouldn't have been able to come otherwise.

 

I didn't think a lot of people would be able to come, but now there are 70 people planning to be there for my sailing day wedding- So even though you think people may not be able to afford it, they may surprise you! People like excuses to take vacations apparently. :)

 

Best of luck!

[Pug3636]

When you decide to have a destination wedding it's going to be give and take. You absolutely do not have to pay for your guests but should understand that some might not be able to join you. We sent out the invites with all of the booking information and told them we'd love to have them there but completley understand if they can't make it. It's your wedding so just make sure you are doing what makes you happy and the rest will fall into place!

[MarinerBride]

We paid for some family members to come, not others. One option is to have the wedding on embarkation day - that way those who cannot afford to stay the whole cruise don't have to.

[merocket59]

If you really want to do it, you have to be a little flexible and understand that not everyone will be able to come even though it is disappointing. However, I have found that the people I was afraid wouldn't have the money to come started saving as soon as I told them about it and put their deposit down early to lock in a good rate, so as early as you can inform them is helpful.

[sibbyg3]

We're using some of the berth credits to help offset the cost for those people who truly would not be able to join us without it. We're expecting about 75 passengers to cruise with us (yeah!) so we'll have at least 4 free passengers. We are covering half of 4 passengers' fares plus applying a $200 credit to about 5 - 10 cabins.

 

On our save-the-dates, we included a hand-written message. For the people who we knew cost may be an issue, I wrote something along the lines of "We would love for you to join us but absolutely understand if you can't." We have also spread this message repeatedly to people as we talk about the wedding to them. It has been really well received and no-one has felt pressured about coming. It's not for another year and we already have of 50 people who have booked their cabins!

[6rugrats]

Hello and congratulations to everyone!

I am an avid cruiser and it is only fitting that I would like to get married on a cruise ship.

 

My fiance and I are looking into having a "cruise wedding" but are worried that it might be unfair to some of our more financially strapped guests.

 

How have you handled this? Would it be wrong to send an invitation out and go with the if you can not join us it is your loss attitude?

 

 

Would it be correct to pay for some people and not others?

 

We are trying to keep the prices low and are looking at a 2 day cruise to nowhere which would be $1390.oo TOTAL(fare+faxes+fuel+insurance) for 4 people for an inside room.

 

I am torn...HELP!!! :confused:

 

Yes, having an attitude such as this is wrong, but I am guessing you did not mean for it to sound the way it does.

 

Plan the wedding you want, send out invitations and those can afford and want to attend will. Fair has nothing to do with it. Do not pay for anyone else's cruise but your own or you will have trouble like you can't imagine!

[CeleBrat]

Here's what we did---we got married in St. Thomas and sent out invitations that said, "As the sun sets on November 11, 1994, please raise your glass and join us in celebrating wedding of XXX and XXX on November 11, 1994, at Wyndcliff Manor in St Thomas."

 

Then, we also included a small bottle of champagne with each and every invitation. Although we sent out over 100 invitations, we knew that there would only be a very small group of people joining us in St. Thomas for the wedding.

 

It worked great!

 

CeleBrat

[cathyoo]

Fair has nothing to do with it. Do not pay for anyone else's cruise but your own or you will have trouble like you can't imagine!

 

I'm not sure why you would say not to pay for anyone else's cruise. My daughter is THINKING about a cruise wedding. One of her reasons for hesitating is the cost to her friends. I advised her there are numerous ways we can help.

 

I think we should have about 30 cabins. We can use the free berths for some of those financially challenged friends. I have some Seamiles points and might be able to get some free berths. Her father and I can pay for her cabin and she can put that money towards her friends' cabins. Her Aunts and Uncles will help out their adult children. I see absolutely nothing wrong in helping those you love join you on your special day.

[sas80]

I'm not sure why you would say not to pay for anyone else's cruise. My daughter is THINKING about a cruise wedding. One of her reasons for hesitating is the cost to her friends. I advised her there are numerous ways we can help.

 

I think we should have about 30 cabins. We can use the free berths for some of those financially challenged friends. I have some Seamiles points and might be able to get some free berths. Her father and I can pay for her cabin and she can put that money towards her friends' cabins. Her Aunts and Uncles will help out their adult children. I see absolutely nothing wrong in helping those you love join you on your special day.

 

I'm thinking that rugrats point was more to offer a word of caution that some people might feel slighted that you chose to financially help others but not them. I would tend to agree with her that doing this might create more drama than you realize - but that is based off my own personal experiences.

 

Only you know the people that you are "dealing" with, inviting, etc. it is entirely possible that everyone will be completely understanding.

 

Some people have relatives whom can be (for lack of a better word) complicated to handle (meet my in-laws) some people have understanding relatives and some people have a mix.

 

You know your family and friends best, so do what is best for your situation.

[SomeWoman]

I was not comfortable inviting people to a wedding that would be that expensive, so I didn't. Part of the draw of the cruise wedding for me was that it would be a small, intimate ceremony. Six members of my family decided to come of their own accord, and that was great, but I never issued formal invitations to anybody. I did end up paying for my sister and her husband's flights via frequent flier miles, because I knew that my sister really wanted to be there.

 

I think that if you're going to have a cruise wedding, you need to be prepared for and embrace the possibility of zero guests. While you aren't obligated to pay for their fare, neither are they. I think the suggestiong for a departure-day wedding is a good one. Be aware, however, that there are usually limits on how many non-ssailing guests you may have.

[6rugrats]

I'm thinking that rugrats point was more to offer a word of caution that some people might feel slighted that you chose to financially help others but not them. I would tend to agree with her that doing this might create more drama than you realize - but that is based off my own personal experiences.

 

Exactly my point, sas80.

[Mary loves to travel]

I have to agree as far as the surprise reactions if you help people unequally. Money is a funny thing. So, think through if there is really a set of "rules" around how you are spending money to help people. It's easy to stir up a resentment around "Hey, we budgeted all year, and did without our Friday night dinners out so we could afford this trip, and here xyz couple pled broke and got their cruise paid for." You'd be surprised.

 

Early on, we wanted our sons to go to their sister's wedding, so came up with these rules:

- we would consider the cruise (wedding was pre-sail) a family vacation, and help them to a certain extent. They are all old enough and financially stable enough (with 15 months notice) to save up and get themselves across the country to the wedding. So, flight & hotel was on them. We helped with the "vacation" part only.

- when it became clear that the MOH and BM would likely not sail due to cost, we paid the same amount for each of them, out of the wedding budget (not the family vacation budget - make sense?) We told them we knew they were going to more than usual trouble and expense to get themselves to the wedding in the first place, and we wanted them to be able to enjoy the cruise, too. They paid for their own spouses to attend, but the help we offered made the difference between being able to cruise or not cruise.

 

Groom's parents helped grooms side of the family attend.

 

So, there was consistency about who got $$ and who didn't.

I'd suggest following something like that to help avoid hurt feelings......

 

just my 2 cents.

 

Cheers,

Mary

[sas80]

I have to agree as far as the surprise reactions if you help people unequally. Money is a funny thing. So, think through if there is really a set of "rules" around how you are spending money to help people. It's easy to stir up a resentment around "Hey, we budgeted all year, and did without our Friday night dinners out so we could afford this trip, and here xyz couple pled broke and got their cruise paid for." You'd be surprised.

 

Early on, we wanted our sons to go to their sister's wedding, so came up with these rules:

- we would consider the cruise (wedding was pre-sail) a family vacation, and help them to a certain extent. They are all old enough and financially stable enough (with 15 months notice) to save up and get themselves across the country to the wedding. So, flight & hotel was on them. We helped with the "vacation" part only.

- when it became clear that the MOH and BM would likely not sail due to cost, we paid the same amount for each of them, out of the wedding budget (not the family vacation budget - make sense?) We told them we knew they were going to more than usual trouble and expense to get themselves to the wedding in the first place, and we wanted them to be able to enjoy the cruise, too. They paid for their own spouses to attend, but the help we offered made the difference between being able to cruise or not cruise.

 

Groom's parents helped grooms side of the family attend.

 

So, there was consistency about who got $$ and who didn't.

I'd suggest following something like that to help avoid hurt feelings......

 

just my 2 cents.

 

Cheers,

Mary

 

In my experience, when money is involved, peoples personalities all of a sudden change....

 

It sucks...

[engagedonthesea]

I got married in NYC on the Carnival Legend. We had 30 guests and 13 sailed. We paid for my husband's 2 children. We also rented a bus and provide transfertation to the wedding for all quests and those who did not sail took the bus home after the reception. We started the party on the bus before the wedding with a champagne continental breakfast.

 

We decided if we made it easy to get to the wedding more non sailing guests would attend. Everyone loved te bus ride as much as the wedding.

[cathyoo]

Wow, I guess I am just very lucky.. my family and friends are always glad when someone helps out those with less. But I also don't understand why anyone would need to know. Why would it be anyone's business how someone else afforded to take the trip?

 

There are certain people my daughter NEEDS to have at her wedding. Her siblings and their families, her grandmother, some special aunts and some very good friends (her bridesmaids and ushers). I already know we will need to pay for my mom and my one sister. If we need to help out some of the others why would anyone need to know that?

 

I would not expect people to be nasty about it but I also would not expect people to be nosy about it either. If I'm not asking you for the money why would you care?

 

I have four adult children and 4 grandchildren (soon to be 6 as my daughter will be acquiring two with her marriage). I have never even tried to give to each equally. It has always been based on their need and my ability to help with that need. If one grandchild wants a $75 game for their system and the other really wants a sparkling $5 jump rope thats what they get.

 

Two sons were unable to buy cars until they were 20. We bought a car for the last son, who didn't have to work while he was in high school while the other two had no choice.

 

I once had a friend tell me (based on her circumstances) that I should be careful about giving my grandchildren so much when I had adult children without children. She said her and husband were upset that her in-laws gave more to the families with children and they felt slighted.

 

HOGWASH... and I would be heartbroken if I raised a child who thought like that.

[sas80]

Wow, I guess I am just very lucky.. my family and friends are always glad when someone helps out those with less. But I also don't understand why anyone would need to know. Why would it be anyone's business how someone else afforded to take the trip?

 

There are certain people my daughter NEEDS to have at her wedding. Her siblings and their families, her grandmother, some special aunts and some very good friends (her bridesmaids and ushers). I already know we will need to pay for my mom and my one sister. If we need to help out some of the others why would anyone need to know that?

 

I would not expect people to be nasty about it but I also would not expect people to be nosy about it either. If I'm not asking you for the money why would you care?

 

I have four adult children and 4 grandchildren (soon to be 6 as my daughter will be acquiring two with her marriage). I have never even tried to give to each equally. It has always been based on their need and my ability to help with that need. If one grandchild wants a $75 game for their system and the other really wants a sparkling $5 jump rope thats what they get.

 

Two sons were unable to buy cars until they were 20. We bought a car for the last son, who didn't have to work while he was in high school while the other two had no choice.

 

I once had a friend tell me (based on her circumstances) that I should be careful about giving my grandchildren so much when I had adult children without children. She said her and husband were upset that her in-laws gave more to the families with children and they felt slighted.

 

HOGWASH... and I would be heartbroken if I raised a child who thought like that.

 

You are lucky. But I suspect that sometime you will experience the strife of a relative feeling as if they were treated unfairly financially, and being angry about it - if not directly then you will be an observer to the situation....

 

You are 100% correct, it is no one business what you do for others. Ideally, if situations could be kept private, this would be perfect. But, you know how it goes...person X tells person Y, swearing them to secrecy, and the person Y tells person Z, thinking they will be discreet, and they let it slip by accident or on purpose....

 

Hopefully you wont have to go thru this situation and you can be helpful to those you want to be without recourse.

 

Happy Sailing!

[kiggy]

Hello and congratulations to everyone!

I am an avid cruiser and it is only fitting that I would like to get married on a cruise ship.

 

My fiance and I are looking into having a "cruise wedding" but are worried that it might be unfair to some of our more financially strapped guests.

 

How have you handled this? Would it be wrong to send an invitation out and go with the if you can not join us it is your loss attitude?

 

 

Would it be correct to pay for some people and not others?

 

We are trying to keep the prices low and are looking at a 2 day cruise to nowhere which would be $1390.oo TOTAL(fare+faxes+fuel+insurance) for 4 people for an inside room.

 

I am torn...HELP!!! :confused:

 

 

Wow, such rudeness is simply breathtaking! "Your Loss" to someone who may not be able to afford such a self-centered event? Please identify yourself so that should I happen to be a passenger on the same ship as you that I might take the necessary precautions to avoid you?

[hollidaygal]

Wow, such rudeness is simply breathtaking! "Your Loss" to someone who may not be able to afford such a self-centered event? Please identify yourself so that should I happen to be a passenger on the same ship as you that I might take the necessary precautions to avoid you?

 

Wow! What was that about? I don't believe she truly meant it that way. It was a figure of speech. Way to break in as a "newbie" and attack someone. Not nice...

[Mary loves to travel]

Yes, having an attitude such as this is wrong, but I am guessing you did not mean for it to sound the way it does.

 

Plan the wedding you want, send out invitations and those can afford and want to attend will. Fair has nothing to do with it. Do not pay for anyone else's cruise but your own or you will have trouble like you can't imagine!

 

I think this is where the thread has gone: Let's all assume the attitude came across as harsher than was meant. OK. Now we can focus on the real topic: How do you decide whether to help anyone with their cruise fare, and if so, who?

 

Reading my answer back to myself, I see that I left out something important - we are not independently wealthy, so had to figure out for ourselves where to draw the line. So, we came up with the set of "rules" that I listed below. It helped immensely. Trust me, we put a lot of thought into this. Now, we were lucky in that our daughter's 4 brothers are all close in age, early to mid 20's (we are a blended family). So, it was easy for us to come up with an idea of how we would help them that was the same for all, as their financial situations were pretty similar, even though some had started working and some were still in college. I shared on this thread, below, what we did -- and it worked out really well for us, our daughter (bride), our sons, the MOH & BM.

 

That's no guarantee it will work out similarly well for you; every situation is different.

 

Our grown kids aren't whiners who expect a lot or are indignant of others who get more. They were all appreciative of the help. An interesting side note is that one of the boys started setting aside $25 per week right from the start - even though we were paying his basic cruise fare, he wanted to bring his girlfriend (now finacee) and help her with the cost of the trip, upgrade the cabin, pay for airfare, and have spending money. He recently told me that he really liked how it worked out setting a small amount of money aside every week in a vacation fund, and they are continuing this practice for future vacations. Pretty neat!

 

Often, there are surprising and unintended consequences to decisions. By sharing experiences on the board, we can see what things seem applicable to our own situations, and get some ideas that might not have occured to us.

 

So, we've seen everything from "pay for no one", "pay for everyone", "figure out something consistent & follow it", "make the decision on a guest by guest basis, whatever seems right to you". Any and all of these are valid approaches. Read about what other people have done, and how they thought it worked out after the fact. Then pick.

 

Hope this helps,

Mary

[sas80]

Wow, such rudeness is simply breathtaking! "Your Loss" to someone who may not be able to afford such a self-centered event? Please identify yourself so that should I happen to be a passenger on the same ship as you that I might take the necessary precautions to avoid you?

 

 

Ha ha ha! POT....MEET KETTLE!

 

I think everyone was probably a bit taken aback at the way the original post was phrased, but was willing to not read too much into it and just respond in kind.

 

From my experience, most people either do, or have learned, or we try our best, not to trash around here.

[kiggy]

Ha ha ha! POT....MEET KETTLE!

 

I think everyone was probably a bit taken aback at the way the original post was phrased, but was willing to not read too much into it and just respond in kind.

 

From my experience, most people either do, or have learned, or we try our best, not to trash around here.

 

 

No trashing intended. Is this a typical comment on this message board? I haven't seen it at all on other boards, especially toward people one assumes are either friends or family that they are contemplating inviting to their wedding. I stand by my statement.

[Mary loves to travel]

OK, kiggy, we got it! You are not willing to give the benefit of the doubt.

That's fine.

 

Did you happen to have anything to contribute to the topic of To Pay or Not to Pay for Any of the invited guests? It seems we're getting a good variety of viewpoints, which should be helpful to many brides.

 

Best,

Mary

[sas80]

No trashing intended. Is this a typical comment on this message board? I haven't seen it at all on other boards, especially toward people one assumes are either friends or family that they are contemplating inviting to their wedding. I stand by my statement.

 

In my personal experiences, both thru email, and posting on internet boards, just as beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder, how someones post comes "across" is, a lot of times, dependent on the person reading the post, not the poster themselves.

 

That's why a lot of people on these boards tend to give the benefit of the doubt and assume that the original post was well intended and just reads "off".

 

Then there are others whom are always looking to stir the pot and cause a ruckcus, some way, some how.

 

I'm not trying to defend op's original statment - I was even put off reading it. But, as Mary pointed out, the original post was asking about paying for people attending the wedding. Weather or not the original post was sincere in the attitude of "it's your loss" is not the point of the thread.