centurycruiser

An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father gave her the what-for…..

“Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?!”

The girl, crying, replied, “Sniff, sniff… Dad… I became a prostitute…”

“Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this family.”

“OK, Dad — as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million.”

“For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside plus a membership to the country club… (takes a breath)… and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years’ Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and…”

“Now what was it ye said ye had become?” says dad.

Girl, crying again, “Sniff, sniff….a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.

“Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.”

A grasshopper walks into a bar.  The bartender says "we have a drink named after you"

The grasshopper says "you have a drink named bill?"

A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says "we have a drink named after you."

The screwdriver says "you have a drink named Stanley?"

My teacher asked me what my favorite animal was and I said, “Fried Chicken.”

She said I wasn’t funny but she couldn’t have been right because everyone laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.

I do too. Especially chicken, pork, and beef.

Anyway my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.

Told her it was chicken.

She asked me why.

I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal’s office. He laughed and told me not to do it again.

I don’t understand. My parents told me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am.

Today my teacher asked me to tell her what famous military man I admired the most.

I told her, “Colonel Sanders.”

Guess where the **** I am now…

2 hours ago, Ocean Boy said:

That would be me. I am usually up and around no later than 5 AM.

 

Btw, when I was a kid the Sea Venture came to RI. My brother and I made our mother bring us to the port to see it. We got to go aboard and spent the day exploring the ship. Years later when we did our first cruise we got to Bermuda and there was the Pacific Princess there with us. It was so cool to see the ship again.

1970 was her inaugural year. In 2005 (I think) Princess announced they were selling the ship so we took another nostalgia cruise on her. Both cruises were from NYC to Bermuda. The first one we moved from town to town over night in Bermuda docking at St George, Hamilton and the Naval Shipyard. I think in 2005 we just stayed at the Naval Shipyard for 3 nights. That year they did have a buffet.

3

Our first cruise was 50 years ago. 1970 on the Sea Venture which ultimately became the Pacific Princess, which became the Love Boat. At that time there were no buffets. All meals, breakfast, lunch and dinner were early or late seating. To get early breakfast we would have had to get up at 6AM.  That's when we decided on late dinner. For fifty years we've used late dinner, or my time, or free style dining.  Old habits are hard to break.

How many people want to get up at 6AM for breakfast? Maybe 10%? Late dinner would fill up instead of early dinner. They cannot accommodate 50% of cruisers at meal time any other way. 

Boycott shampoo. Demand the REAL poo

I broke a mirror in my house and I was supposed to get 7 years bad luck, but, my lawyer thinks he can get me 5.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

There are two rules for success. One, don’t tell all you know.

3 out of 2 people have trouble with fractions.

There are three kinds of people in this world. Those who can count and those who can’t.

Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.

Intelligence is like underwear. It is important that you have it, but, not necessary to show it off.

An ex cia director, an ex fbi director and an ex attorney general walkninto a Barr. No joke.

On a tour of a monastery I walked past the kitchen and saw a monk frying potato chips. 

I asked "Are you the friar?"

He said, "No, I am the chip monk."

Three friends married women from different countries of the world....

The first man married a Filipino. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Texas. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, his truck and laundry washed, and hot, home-cooked meals on the table everyday. The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything. But by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has difficulty when he pees.

On 5/7/2020 at 6:33 PM, centurycruiser said:

Mary: "Please say dirty things to me!"

 Bill: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."

Bill's death was attributed to  covid19

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called. . . and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber’s house. The phone didn’t ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1.  The dog was tied to the telephone system’s ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2.  The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3.  The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4.  After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5.  The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

There are three kinds of people in this world. Those who can count and those who can’t.

3 out of 2 people have trouble with fractions.

Intelligence is like underwear. It is important that you have it, but, not necessary to show it off.

Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.