centurycruiser

It remains a puzzle why a bra is singular and panties are plural.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

I used to think I was indecisive. Now I am not sure.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Bill, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Bill walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Bill and said,

"You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Bill replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."

The physics teacher broke up with the biology teacher because there was there was no chemistry.

Bill was sitting at the table one morning, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player known for his lack of intelligence. He turned to his wife, Mary, and said, "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

Mary replied, "Why, thank you, Dear!"

Bill: Honey, you look really nice today. Did you do something different with your hair?

Mary: Bill, I’m over here.

Mary: "Please say dirty things to me!"

 Bill: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."

“Paul, do you think I am a good wife?”

“My name is Bill.”

I wanted to buy a new boomerang but couldn’t figure out how to throw my old one out.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick.

When my grand mother was 65 years old, she started walking 5 miles a day. She’s 92 now and we have no idea where she is.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Bacon and eggs walk into a bar and order a beer. The bar tender tells them “Sorry. We don’t serve breakfast in here.”

A mushroom walks into a bar. The bar tender tells him to get out because they don’t serve mushrooms. The mushroom says, “I don’t know why, I’m a fungi.”

Helen Keller walks into a bar, then a table and then a chair.

The past, the present and the future walk into a bar. It was tense.

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender sees him and says “We have a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says “You have a drink named Bill?”

One day, while strolling down the boardwalk, Bill bumped into an old friend of his, Rob, from high school. “You look great Bill, how do you stay looking so young? Why you must be 60 already but you don’t look a day over 40!” Rob exclaimed. “I feel like I’m 40 too!” replied Bill. “That’s incredible” exclaimed Rob, “Does it run in the family? How old was your dad when he passed?” “Did I say he was dead?” asked Bill. “He’s 81 and is more active then ever. He just joined the neighborhood basketball team!” responded Bill. “Whoa! Well how old was your Grandfather when he died?” “Did I say he died” asked Bill. Rob was amazed. “He just had his 105th birthday and plays golf and goes swimming each day! He’s actually getting married this week!” “Getting married?!” Rob asked. If he’s 105, why on earth does he want to get married?! Bill looked at Rob and replied, “Did I say he wanted to?”

A friend tried to annoy me with bird puns but I showed him toucan play that game.

I hate insect puns. They bug me.

Time flies like an arrow but fruit flies like bananas.

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.

Why do people never eat clocks?
 Because it’s really time consuming.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

I wonder why irons have a setting for Permanent Press?

Why do cookies bake and bacon cooks?

It remains a puzzle why a bra is singular and panties are plural.

No one has ever been in an empty room.

It is impossible to dig half a hole.

Three people having sex is a threesome, two people having sex is a two some. So, when someone tells you “you are handsome,” don’t take it as a compliment.

The trouble with being punctual is there is no one there to appreciate it.

I was going to look for my missing watch, but, I could never find the time.

Bill Gates and I have a combined fortune of 80 billion dollars.

I have a friend who is a billionaire. He invented Cliff’s Notes. I asked him how he got such a great idea and he said, “First I…I just…well, to make a long story short….”

I got some powdered water. I don’t know what to add.

For every action there is an equal and opposite over reaction.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

One day you are the best thing since sliced bread. The next day you are toast.

I want to be rich enough to be considered eccentric instead of nuts.