I feel like a horrible person

[bob278]

Hapytocruise had a GREAT idea! Suggest that she pay for all (or part) of a friend's cruise fare since it won't cost her anything over what it would if she went solo. It would be much easier to set some ground rules if she had a friend along.

 

We travel with 4 or 5 couples (in different combinations from one couple to all of them) and we all agree that we are not joined at the hip. We schedule dining together in the MDR, but each goes off to other venues from time to time. We also do SOME excursions together. When we talk, one item that keeps coming up (maybe we are reinforcing the idea) that one of the reasons we get along so well is that we DON'T spend all our time together and nobody gets hurt when someone wants "alone time".

[tally10]

We had a similar circumstance. My older sister is a widow in her early 60's. She had never traveled as her DH was a homebody and never wanted to go anywhere. We felt bad for her because her husband died tragically and she started cruising with us (in her own cabin). Initially, there were some issues. But she has gone on several cruises with us now and she keeps her boundaries. She doesn't force herself on us. Sometimes she accompanies us on shore excursions and sometimes goes on her own. She lives across the country from us and was scared to fly to Europe alone for the first cruise. We met her in Philly for the first time across the pond. Since then, she has gained total confidence in her ability to travel on her own. She just returned from a Hawaiian cruise on Princess, made new friends, and had a wonderful time. Maybe your sister just needs that push. Show her the way once and then she may surprise you by doing her own thing in the future! Now we look forward to my sister coming along and we wish we had gone on that Hawaiian cruise.:)

[sarahc78]

My husband and I cruise every year or two, and we love it. We now always go alone, we get a table for two, we hole up on our aft balcony...but we do often meet people and have a lot of fun, so we aren't total hermits. We just like our privacy.

 

We have also cruised with friends and family in the past, and it's a whole different dynamic. We choose not to do it anymore...the only exception is when our grandkids are old enough we'll start taking them with us.

 

My problem, and the reason I feel terrible, is that my sister-in-law has no one to travel with anymore. She is our age (60), not married, no kids, lots of friends...but none that can really afford to cruise or that want to go to the same places she wants to go to. This shouldn't be OUR problem, right?

 

Well, we visited with her last week (she lives in another state) and she said something like "I'd LOVE to go on a cruise, and I want to go to Alaska...but no one wants to go with me"...well, GULP, we're sitting there with a cruise to Alaska booked for September.

 

We do NOT want to travel with her, or anyone. But yes her, specifically...she is ok in small doses but I really would go insane/be upset and angry all the time if I had to spend 10 days with her (or even a week). I'm not saying we're perfect...far from it...but as husband and wife we just get along, have our own rhythm, know what I mean? We didn't say we were going, but of course she's eventually going to know. I just said something generic like "oh, you'd hate traveling with us, we just hole up and don't want to talk to anyone when we travel"...but now I feel bad. And guilty. I really, really, really don't want to invite her, but my sense of family, obligation and kindness is rearing its ugly head.

 

Have you ever been in this position and what did you do?

OMG I am dealing with the same situation, and wsa wondering the same thing.

 

Hubby and I are taking a cruise to Bermuda with our children and invited my parents because we rarely get to spend time alone with them. They live about an hour away and whenever we get to gether either my sister and her children are there or my brothers family is there.

 

My sister who is a single mother of 2 young boys heard about our cruise and asked me if I minded if she came along. I felt bad saying no but this was a vacation we had booked and planned for our family.

 

Am I terrible for telling her no?

[madelinerose]

Am I terrible for telling her no?

 

Absolutely not. No. ;)

[subtchr]

 

My sister who is a single mother of 2 young boys heard about our cruise and asked me if I minded if she came along. I felt bad saying no but this was a vacation we had booked and planned for our family.

 

Am I terrible for telling her no?

 

No, not terrible, but do you mind if I ask why you are so opposed? There is probably a family dynamic at play that you have not stated explicitly, but my first reaction is that if the grandparents are coming, why not a sister and family?

 

It would give your kids an opportunity to hang out with their cousins, and a chance for your sister to spend time with you, her parents, and on her own, while the kids are in supervised activities.

 

Our first two cruises were with family groups of 10 or 11 - DH and I, our kids (teens), my sisters, a teen niece and nephew, and on the first one, my mother. The second one also included my BIL's sister and cousin.

 

Thanks to the nature of a cruise vacation, they were fantastic! Everyone did their own thing on board, and we enjoyed wonderful MDR dinners together sharing experiences. We did most shore excursions together and had a blast.

 

We joke that we just had a permanent table in the WJ for breakfast and lunch, with rotating people! My DH would always get up early, exercise, then grab breakfast. One of my sisters or I would join him eventually, the kids would pass through when they got up, you get the picture.

 

Anyway, as I said, you probably have reasons for not wanting your sister along, but from an outsider's viewpoint, it really can be a wonderful opportunity for extended family to enjoy time together without constantly being in each other's space.

 

For the OP, it's a tougher call, to me. Especially with the further explanation about the sister's circumstances (she does have friends who COULD cruise with her, just choose not to), I tend to think speaking honestly about your desire to travel without any other people (you are not just excluding HER, but ANYONE else who would ask) would be your best approach.

 

You do not want to plan this trip, which should be a relaxing escape from your everyday lives, with dread or negative anticipation.

 

Just asking, WOULD she be willing to pay the single supplement if you told her she could join you? If that would be a stumbling block for her, that would work in your favor, that she would only sign up for the cruise if she had someone to go with, to share the price of the cabin. That would take the burden off you to "entertain" her, especially if you make it very clear that although you would share some meals and possibly excursions, you generally like your private time.

 

Hope it works out well for both posters.

[jimandtoni]

My husband and I cruise every year or two, and we love it. We now always go alone, we get a table for two, we hole up on our aft balcony...but we do often meet people and have a lot of fun, so we aren't total hermits. We just like our privacy.

 

We have also cruised with friends and family in the past, and it's a whole different dynamic. We choose not to do it anymore...the only exception is when our grandkids are old enough we'll start taking them with us.

 

My problem, and the reason I feel terrible, is that my sister-in-law has no one to travel with anymore. She is our age (60), not married, no kids, lots of friends...but none that can really afford to cruise or that want to go to the same places she wants to go to. This shouldn't be OUR problem, right?

 

Well, we visited with her last week (she lives in another state) and she said something like "I'd LOVE to go on a cruise, and I want to go to Alaska...but no one wants to go with me"...well, GULP, we're sitting there with a cruise to Alaska booked for September.

 

We do NOT want to travel with her, or anyone. But yes her, specifically...she is ok in small doses but I really would go insane/be upset and angry all the time if I had to spend 10 days with her (or even a week). I'm not saying we're perfect...far from it...but as husband and wife we just get along, have our own rhythm, know what I mean? We didn't say we were going, but of course she's eventually going to know. I just said something generic like "oh, you'd hate traveling with us, we just hole up and don't want to talk to anyone when we travel"...but now I feel bad. And guilty. I really, really, really don't want to invite her, but my sense of family, obligation and kindness is rearing its ugly head.

 

Have you ever been in this position and what did you do?

 

Wow.I know what you mean. My wife and I prefer to cruise alone too. We also get a table for two. We have occasionally cruised with others and have not enjoyed ourselves nearly as much as when we cruise alone. Sometimes you just gotta suck it up and take along family and friends. I always stipulate that we are on the same ship, not the same vacation. We agree to have dinner and drinks together but we do not have to do everything together. We empasize the need to be free to do what you want and that you do not need to be joined at the hip for the whole trip. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it does not. Good luck..I hope this helped.

[KruzPrincess]

I think honesty is the best policy. Be straight with her and say you need the time for the two of you. I've cruise alone a couple times and it is nice to have the safety net of knowing someone else is on the ship if there was an emergency. I'd tell her that she could come along if she accepted that your time is your own and that she would need to spend that majority of the time alone or doing solo things. I'd be happy with that myself. I LOVE to be alone and relish it, but it would be nice to have a relative there in an emergency. You'd never see me. Only you can know if she would be OK with that, but in the end I'd be honest. Keeping a secret would be so much more painful than just being honest and saying you need your own space.

[Alsmez]

OMG I am dealing with the same situation, and wsa wondering the same thing.

 

Hubby and I are taking a cruise to Bermuda with our children and invited my parents because we rarely get to spend time alone with them. They live about an hour away and whenever we get to gether either my sister and her children are there or my brothers family is there.

 

My sister who is a single mother of 2 young boys heard about our cruise and asked me if I minded if she came along. I felt bad saying no but this was a vacation we had booked and planned for our family.

 

Am I terrible for telling her no?

 

No. Sometimes it's nice to be able to spend time with your parents without your siblings around. I usually only see my family (at my parents' house) once a year, and since my siblings are there I don't get a lot of quality time with my parents. I much prefer when my parents visit me, that way I get to enjoy them without dealing with my siblings, their spouses, etc. Not that I don't enjoy hanging out with my siblings, but sometimes I just want to see my parents, period. I'm sure you feel the same way, and that your kids would enjoy some time with their grandparents without their cousins around. Stick to your guns and DO NOT FEEL BAD!

[Blondebomb]

No, don't feel guilty.

This also just happened to us. My husbands brother and his wife are looking to go to Alaska this summer.(they have never cruised before) We have cruised about 8 times but never to Alaska(our next dream trip)

At Christmas while driving home I asked my husband if he wanted to go with his brother and sister-in-law on an Alaska cruise. While I know he loves his brother and they get along, he says flat out, "No way". His answer took me by surprise. We all get along but have never traveled together. He could not give a good reason just said," he didn't want to travel with them". I feel ok with that answer. You can always say, " We booked it late", as we have taken many late booked cruises.

[sarahc78]

No, not terrible, but do you mind if I ask why you are so opposed? There is probably a family dynamic at play that you have not stated explicitly, but my first reaction is that if the grandparents are coming, why not a sister and family?

 

It would give your kids an opportunity to hang out with their cousins, and a chance for your sister to spend time with you, her parents, and on her own, while the kids are in supervised activities.

 

Our first two cruises were with family groups of 10 or 11 - DH and I, our kids (teens), my sisters, a teen niece and nephew, and on the first one, my mother. The second one also included my BIL's sister and cousin.

 

Thanks to the nature of a cruise vacation, they were fantastic! Everyone did their own thing on board, and we enjoyed wonderful MDR dinners together sharing experiences. We did most shore excursions together and had a blast.

 

We joke that we just had a permanent table in the WJ for breakfast and lunch, with rotating people! My DH would always get up early, exercise, then grab breakfast. One of my sisters or I would join him eventually, the kids would pass through when they got up, you get the picture.

 

Anyway, as I said, you probably have reasons for not wanting your sister along, but from an outsider's viewpoint, it really can be a wonderful opportunity for extended family to enjoy time together without constantly being in each other's space.

 

For the OP, it's a tougher call, to me. Especially with the further explanation about the sister's circumstances (she does have friends who COULD cruise with her, just choose not to), I tend to think speaking honestly about your desire to travel without any other people (you are not just excluding HER, but ANYONE else who would ask) would be your best approach.

 

You do not want to plan this trip, which should be a relaxing escape from your everyday lives, with dread or negative anticipation.

 

Just asking, WOULD she be willing to pay the single supplement if you told her she could join you? If that would be a stumbling block for her, that would work in your favor, that she would only sign up for the cruise if she had someone to go with, to share the price of the cabin. That would take the burden off you to "entertain" her, especially if you make it very clear that although you would share some meals and possibly excursions, you generally like your private time.

 

Hope it works out well for both posters.

My boys are older while hers are 5 and almost 2. She lives a few houses down from my parents so they see each other all the time. Last year they went on a vacation just her boys and my parents and I kinda wanted the same thing. Just some alone time with my parents and my boys.

[subtchr]

My boys are older while hers are 5 and almost 2. She lives a few houses down from my parents so they see each other all the time. Last year they went on a vacation just her boys and my parents and I kinda wanted the same thing. Just some alone time with my parents and my boys.

 

That makes total sense, thanks for adding the further explanation. Not that it was any of my business, but I was curious, as we have a different family situation. All the cousins are close to the same age, and while we see each other every few months, trips like cruises are our time to really spend time together.

 

Given those details, I would agree with the others that you should definitely NOT feel guilty. Hope you have a great cruise!

[CHEZMARYLOU]

We have an elderly friend who traveled all over the world with a group called Elderhostle (sp). They have an entire brochure of trips of all types and I'm pretty sure it included cruises. They offered both single accommodations or would pair you up with a roommate. This may be an option for your sil.

 

Mary Lou

[Massnatives]

Hi - If you feel like you would have a 'less than desirable time' with your sil - I'm sure that is what would happen.Some people are very social and can get along with anyone. My hubby and I like to choose who we'd spend our time with.If she came along with you, she may tag along everywhere you go - life is short - keep your plans the way they are.Guilt ruins so much of our lives - you will have to tell her sometime about your plans and hope she will understand. Travel agents may have planned trips she can get involved with and have a good time that way.Take the easy way out - have your husband tell her.Good luck. I hope she understands your need for the kind of vacation you would enjoy for yourselves.

[Lois R]

We have an elderly friend who traveled all over the world with a group called Elderhostle (sp). They have an entire brochure of trips of all types and I'm pretty sure it included cruises. They offered both single accommodations or would pair you up with a roommate. This may be an option for your sil.

 

Mary Lou

 

Hi Mary Lou:) My folks went to Elder Hostles for years. They loved

it:D although cruises were never part of their choices. I am guessing

it is the same company though.

[BroncosFan2010]

Don't feel bad. It is not your responsibility to entertain or plan with family, friends, or anyone else. I totally get what you are saying. DH and I love to cruise alone. We have cruised with others in the past, but it is a completely different dynamic, and I am not sure we will do it again (at least not with the same people).

[Dallas wife]

I didn't read all the comments sent to you about your problem, but as it gets closer and closer to your trip the more guilty you are going to feel, so I guess I agree with most that you should tell her that u only enjoy cruising alone with hubby and you don't even socialize with other's on the cruise that it's romantic time for both of you....I'm sure she will understand. Suggest that she look into senior groups that travel all over.....we have quite a few in our area. Try community rec centers I'm sure she will find someone in her same boat....Ha ha. I know about feeling quilty and it sucks!

[TahoeLady]

We were in a similar position regarding traveling with my sister -in-law. She drives me to drink and never stops talking. But we sucked it up and did the right thing and invited her to go along. And we have done the same thing on other vacations to Hawaii and Arizona.

 

I can tell you that the cruise was the easiest way to travel with her. She was busy most of the time on sea days and we always met for dinner or lunch if we ran into each other. On port days we did the excursions together.

 

And it wasn't always easy but necessary to be able to live with ourselves.

So suck it up and be a good person.

 

Lynda

[sunsher]

I'm not in your shoes, but how does your husband feel about this.? It is her sister.

 

I agree it will be very strained when she finds out you went on a cruise to where she wants to go and you didn't include her. But if you need to do a vacation with her, this is the best kind. Just make sure your rooms aren't next to each other.

[meowann]

Absolutely not. No. ;)

My husband and I have been married for a very long time.....love to travel. We get along great on vacation. We traveled with another couple a few years ago and we are no longer friends :(

It is easier to travel with a crowd than with a single or just one other couple. With a crowd everyone can go their own way.....

Now, when we plan a cruise we don't tell anyone until it's too late for anyone to join us.

Absolutely no guilt.......EVER again

C.

[jannandjohn]

tell her you have changed your trip plans, are going somewhere else...but don't show her the pics!!

[jannandjohn]

. We traveled with another couple a few years ago and we are no longer friends :(

Absolutely no guilt.......EVER again

C.

this happened to us with 2 different couples, 2 different cruises..we though it would be great, but it was awful!!

and we no longer see each other either..

 

.when we plan a cruise we don't tell anyone until it's too late for anyone to join us.

a good plan!!

[holomuku]

This whole discussion reminds me of a saying I've had for a long time.....

 

If couples traveled together before getting married, we would see a lot less divorce! Because many would decide this isn't the person for them- travel does not bring out the best in most people.

 

Travel is stressful in and of itself (in my opinion). Adding family dynamics just puts another whole level on the stress issue.

 

I don't have an answer for the OP except to say that my SIL (husbands SIL actually) drives me to drink as well-- and no, we've never traveled together nor do we plan to. With that said, my sister, whom I love dearly, lost her husband a few years ago. We took a land trip together last year and it drove me crazy- she's never been such a complainer before. The loss of her husband has had a very (understandable) negative effect on her outlook on life. No matter what we did, it wasn't the right thing. By the end of the week I was a wreck-- trying to make her happy and enjoy herself was clearly an impossible task. Probably her being a relatively new widow had an effect on the whole event- but it was an exhausting time for me and my husband.

 

With that said-- I would do it again because I love her and want to be as much support as I can. It wasn't about us for that trip- it was about her. I felt bad she didn't appear to have a good time but then she sent us a beautiful thank you note a few months later.

 

Vacation time is precious. We have cruised with other couples but always with the "up front" caveat that we each have our own time. Totally different with a single, and especially on a land vacation, as I discovered.

 

This is one of those "no easy answers" questions.

 

(and sorry if I offended anyone about the "travel together before you are married" comment- it's just how a feel, I'm not saying you have to share a room!)

[Room Service!]

I would say go on your cruise with no guilt. Suggest she travel alone, she may find other single travelers onboard. She should also inquire among others she knows, someone else may be wanting to do the cruise.

I'd be afraid of opening the door for her to want to go on all our cruises.

[BadSeaLegs]

My husband and I cruise every year or two, and we love it. We now always go alone, we get a table for two, we hole up on our aft balcony...but we do often meet people and have a lot of fun, so we aren't total hermits. We just like our privacy.

 

We have also cruised with friends and family in the past, and it's a whole different dynamic. We choose not to do it anymore...the only exception is when our grandkids are old enough we'll start taking them with us.

 

My problem, and the reason I feel terrible, is that my sister-in-law has no one to travel with anymore. She is our age (60), not married, no kids, lots of friends...but none that can really afford to cruise or that want to go to the same places she wants to go to. This shouldn't be OUR problem, right?

 

Well, we visited with her last week (she lives in another state) and she said something like "I'd LOVE to go on a cruise, and I want to go to Alaska...but no one wants to go with me"...well, GULP, we're sitting there with a cruise to Alaska booked for September.

 

We do NOT want to travel with her, or anyone. But yes her, specifically...she is ok in small doses but I really would go insane/be upset and angry all the time if I had to spend 10 days with her (or even a week). I'm not saying we're perfect...far from it...but as husband and wife we just get along, have our own rhythm, know what I mean? We didn't say we were going, but of course she's eventually going to know. I just said something generic like "oh, you'd hate traveling with us, we just hole up and don't want to talk to anyone when we travel"...but now I feel bad. And guilty. I really, really, really don't want to invite her, but my sense of family, obligation and kindness is rearing its ugly head.

 

Have you ever been in this position and what did you do?

 

 

Suggest that she make friends with folks from AARP. My mom did that because my father HATES to travel. She's managed to meet like minded travelling friends and now does her thing from time to time and they seem to be fine with it.

 

There's no sense in paying for a trip to be "stuck" with someone who could potentially make the experience horrid. My partner and I made the mistake of going with his sister and family, and like yourself, she is the type that you need to do in millimeters, never mind a small handful! By the end of the trip I was ready to turn her butt into shark bait.

[zoncom]

Be sure to tell the unwanted guests the price! Find a balcony rack rate; double it for a single. add daily auto tips. You probably will not be bothered by them again. As a single, I have had better luck with strangers than friends. I think as non friends the stranger cruisemates had more respect for each other.