Removing gratuities for waitstaff that serve shorts-wearers on elegant night?

[GriffinAlexander]

Going on my first time cruise, and I've spend the last week or so studying up on this forum to see what I need to know.

1. 
   However, I still have a few questions:
   
   1. 
      
   2. On elegant night, is it possible for me to remove specific waitstaff from the gratuity pool if they serve people who are not appropriately dressed? And can I decide what is appropriate?
      
   3. I am traveling with a party of 40 but I am the only one who gets up before noon. Is it permissible to save deck chairs by stringing up police tape, or do I need 40 separate items to place in each chair?
      
   4. If my room steward goes above and beyond, is there an available kitchen in which I can bake him or her cookies as a nice tip?
      
   5. I enjoy helping other people by telling them how they are doing things incorrectly and explaining how they should instead behave. Is that allowed on the cruise ship or only on the forums here?
      
   6. If the guests on the balcony below mine smoke, and I don't want smoke anywhere near me, to whom do I complain? Also, am I allowed to dump water on them from my balcony because their smoking annoys me, or am I only allowed to loudly complain?
      
   7. Since I am cruising Carnival, and I am also a member here, if I encounter John Heald, am I supposed to mutter "Fat wanker" under my breath or say it to him directly?
      
   8. My friend wants to pack a lot of items that I have deemed unnecessary. Should I mock him privately or can I also do it publicly?
      

 

Thanks in advance for your help. I've never been on a cruise before, and I want to make sure I do it right.:rolleyes:

 

 

I have answers to all of your questions after researching everything:

 

1: you may call and have the appropriate persons removed from the wait staff, but in doing so you must decline to eat for the remainder of the cruise anywhere except on your balcony, where it will be mandatory that you dress in your most elegant clothing.

 

2: Police tape is not permitted, it is only used on the sundeck when someone jumps from one of the penthouse staterooms from sheer boredom, but caution tape is. However, anyone whom seeks a lounger in your general area you must escort around the sundeck in person until you find them and their party an acceptable lounger(s) and buy their group drinks for the duration of your groups stay on the sundeck.

 

3: If you are a manager certified in food safety and have smuggled certain medicinal herbal organic "ingredients" aboard, something might be able to be worked out with the crew's own personal quarters.

 

4: By all means you should tell people how to behave on the cruise ship, particularly when you're stuck between them at dinner, in lines, in entertainment areas where you won't be able to go anywhere for at least an hour and after they've had a few drinks. Then invite them out to your balcony for a cocktail. They'll appreciate the opportunity to learn from someone who knows everything.

 

5: This one's a touchy subject. Try what parents used to do. Go down to the offending stateroom, knock on the door, confess a desire for a smoke, and get them to smoke all of their cigarettes with you on their balcony until they run out. Fit in number 4 while you're at it. If things start looking bad, pretend you're drunk, mistake them for a steward and offer them some of your extra special cookies. Brownies might actually work better. Once they kick in you'll have no worries of cigarette smoke for a few hours, but may smell wafting pizza odors.

 

6: Most people enjoy being called out on anything physical that's unattractive about them. Fat wanker should be just your starting point. You should be using such gems as Fat f&&k, Old Bat, Dumb B***ch, Stupid As8890le, and f(**)(ng f()gs. If you can get a triple fecta in there (racial, sexual orientation and something else like older or fat, you've really hit the jackpot). Here's where that police tape comes in handy. You'll probably at some point during this descriptive narrative need to pull that out so that whomever finds you has something to keep the masses coming back from the buffet from stomping you in the hallway. The police tape will work nicely. You also should have changed out of your elegant wear at this point. No sense in getting it all ruined with who knows what.

 

7: Mock your friend publicly, so that next time you cruise, you'll have the entire stateroom to yourself. There will be more room for your things, noone to pack the wrong stuff, and noone to complain about your mouth when you start up about the next thing that's set you off.

 

Don't forget to tip those who do go above and beyond for you on your cruise. In your particular situation, I'd chip off a hundred at least to each passenger and crew member that didn't kick your a$$. lol

 

(((Sorry, I know it was some kind of early April fools thing or something, but after I read it I couldn't resist writing back)))

[dave_k63]

Going on my first time cruise, and I've spend the last week or so studying up on this forum to see what I need to know.

1. 
   However, I still have a few questions:
   
   1. 
      
   2. On elegant night, is it possible for me to remove specific waitstaff from the gratuity pool if they serve people who are not appropriately dressed? And can I decide what is appropriate?
      
   3. I am traveling with a party of 40 but I am the only one who gets up before noon. Is it permissible to save deck chairs by stringing up police tape, or do I need 40 separate items to place in each chair?
      
   4. If my room steward goes above and beyond, is there an available kitchen in which I can bake him or her cookies as a nice tip?
      
   5. I enjoy helping other people by telling them how they are doing things incorrectly and explaining how they should instead behave. Is that allowed on the cruise ship or only on the forums here?
      
   6. If the guests on the balcony below mine smoke, and I don't want smoke anywhere near me, to whom do I complain? Also, am I allowed to dump water on them from my balcony because their smoking annoys me, or am I only allowed to loudly complain?
      
   7. Since I am cruising Carnival, and I am also a member here, if I encounter John Heald, am I supposed to mutter "Fat wanker" under my breath or say it to him directly?
      
   8. My friend wants to pack a lot of items that I have deemed unnecessary. Should I mock him privately or can I also do it publicly?
      

 

Thanks in advance for your help. I've never been on a cruise before, and I want to make sure I do it right.:rolleyes:

You've got to be a c-melody sax man.

[gdisney]

Is this a brainstorming thread for a new Sacha Baron Cohen movie??

[Dayenu]

Is this a brainstorming thread for a new Sacha Baron Cohen movie??

 

Ha ha ha ha ha :D

[Gunnerbabe_2003]

Great questions from the OP. Many I was too shy to ask myself. Just one more if I may:

1. Is it true that speedos have been banned on all cruise lines as of 2012? If so, what a loss. Some of my greatest traumatic childhood memories are rooted in scary speedo sightings. Another piece of history gone.

[lady_cruiser]

Are you for real...get a life

YES I think he/she is a person with a "REAL" sense of humor.

[chelspie]

Like.

[chelspie]

If we were on Facebook, I'd click "share" :D

 

Exactly.

[chelspie]

Great questions from the OP. Many I was too shy to ask myself. Just one more if I may:

1. Is it true that speedos have been banned on all cruise lines as of 2012? If so, what a loss. Some of my greatest traumatic childhood memories are rooted in scary speedo sightings. Another piece of history gone.

 

No, I can personally attest to being traumatized by speedo-wearing. I'm still paying for the therapy. There's a great self-help book out about it, and I'm working on my current issues, but really, the cruise lines must step up and take some responsibility for my emotional scarring.

[DeSaxMan13]

but really, the cruise lines must step up and take some responsibility for my emotional scarring.

 

I swear, if you sue and the ship on which I am sailing is seized, I will hunt you down :rolleyes:

 

:D

[houstonmomof4]

I have answers to all of your questions after researching everything:

 

1: you may call and have the appropriate persons removed from the wait staff, but in doing so you must decline to eat for the remainder of the cruise anywhere except on your balcony, where it will be mandatory that you dress in your most elegant clothing.

 

2: Police tape is not permitted, it is only used on the sundeck when someone jumps from one of the penthouse staterooms from sheer boredom, but caution tape is. However, anyone whom seeks a lounger in your general area you must escort around the sundeck in person until you find them and their party an acceptable lounger(s) and buy their group drinks for the duration of your groups stay on the sundeck.

 

3: If you are a manager certified in food safety and have smuggled certain medicinal herbal organic "ingredients" aboard, something might be able to be worked out with the crew's own personal quarters.

 

4: By all means you should tell people how to behave on the cruise ship, particularly when you're stuck between them at dinner, in lines, in entertainment areas where you won't be able to go anywhere for at least an hour and after they've had a few drinks. Then invite them out to your balcony for a cocktail. They'll appreciate the opportunity to learn from someone who knows everything.

 

5: This one's a touchy subject. Try what parents used to do. Go down to the offending stateroom, knock on the door, confess a desire for a smoke, and get them to smoke all of their cigarettes with you on their balcony until they run out. Fit in number 4 while you're at it. If things start looking bad, pretend you're drunk, mistake them for a steward and offer them some of your extra special cookies. Brownies might actually work better. Once they kick in you'll have no worries of cigarette smoke for a few hours, but may smell wafting pizza odors.

 

6: Most people enjoy being called out on anything physical that's unattractive about them. Fat wanker should be just your starting point. You should be using such gems as Fat f&&k, Old Bat, Dumb B***ch, Stupid As8890le, and f(**)(ng f()gs. If you can get a triple fecta in there (racial, sexual orientation and something else like older or fat, you've really hit the jackpot). Here's where that police tape comes in handy. You'll probably at some point during this descriptive narrative need to pull that out so that whomever finds you has something to keep the masses coming back from the buffet from stomping you in the hallway. The police tape will work nicely. You also should have changed out of your elegant wear at this point. No sense in getting it all ruined with who knows what.

 

7: Mock your friend publicly, so that next time you cruise, you'll have the entire stateroom to yourself. There will be more room for your things, noone to pack the wrong stuff, and noone to complain about your mouth when you start up about the next thing that's set you off.

 

Don't forget to tip those who do go above and beyond for you on your cruise. In your particular situation, I'd chip off a hundred at least to each passenger and crew member that didn't kick your a$$. lol

 

(((Sorry, I know it was some kind of early April fools thing or something, but after I read it I couldn't resist writing back)))

 

 

Your responses are just as hilarious as the OP! I love this thread...it really makes me LOL (and I detest that term!).

[Crusin6]

Great questions from the OP. Many I was too shy to ask myself. Just one more if I may:

1. Is it true that speedos have been banned on all cruise lines as of 2012? If so, what a loss. Some of my greatest traumatic childhood memories are rooted in scary speedo sightings. Another piece of history gone.

 

Oh man you brought me ba k to 1964 when the camp pool director was always pulling at his speedo..the guy was built like a tank was about 40 and and old school....and i still cringe when i think of him walking around the pool all day in that thing tugging and pulling at it..which btw made it sag and stretch..so then he would put on anewer tighter one. He was the high school bio teacher and gym teacher as well. I still recall every time he tugged at it..and was was like 8 at the time. Those suits are indecent.

[WINEMANVISALIA]

Going on my first time cruise, and I've spend the last week or so studying up on this forum to see what I need to know.

1. 
   However, I still have a few questions:
   
   1. 
      
   2. On elegant night, is it possible for me to remove specific waitstaff from the gratuity pool if they serve people who are not appropriately dressed? And can I decide what is appropriate?
      
   3. I am traveling with a party of 40 but I am the only one who gets up before noon. Is it permissible to save deck chairs by stringing up police tape, or do I need 40 separate items to place in each chair?
      
   4. If my room steward goes above and beyond, is there an available kitchen in which I can bake him or her cookies as a nice tip?
      
   5. I enjoy helping other people by telling them how they are doing things incorrectly and explaining how they should instead behave. Is that allowed on the cruise ship or only on the forums here?
      
   6. If the guests on the balcony below mine smoke, and I don't want smoke anywhere near me, to whom do I complain? Also, am I allowed to dump water on them from my balcony because their smoking annoys me, or am I only allowed to loudly complain?
      
   7. Since I am cruising Carnival, and I am also a member here, if I encounter John Heald, am I supposed to mutter "Fat wanker" under my breath or say it to him directly?
      
   8. My friend wants to pack a lot of items that I have deemed unnecessary. Should I mock him privately or can I also do it publicly?
      

 

Thanks in advance for your help. I've never been on a cruise before, and I want to make sure I do it right.:rolleyes:

 

Found this thread helpful and fun... http://boards.cruisecritic.com/showthread.php?t=1621962

 

HOW I HAVE PREPARED FOR CRUISE ABOARD CELEBRITY CENTURY ..a bit of FUN :>)) 1 Went out my front door at 4pm; wearing a hat with an X on it , a clipboard, and ran muster station drill with my wife in the car who blew the horn 7 times.

 

2. I went to buffet restaurants and practiced stopping in place for no reason at all and proceeded to walk into the exit . Then I reached across the arms of someone trying to get a salad. When they turned and glared, I rolled my eyes upwards and said, “Zorba the Greek is my favorite movie, do you think he is on this ship? Opa!

 

3. I went to a travel agency and asked a customer,“ how much did you pay?...no matter what they said, I answered,...yeah, that's pretty good but we got a free cruise because on our last Celebrity cruise the SOMMELIER TASTING CUP was larger than normal and they refused to refund us for the sips of wine we did not get! **THIS IS WHYCELEBRITY SOMMELIERS NO LONGER USE TASTING CUPS!!!

 

4.I stood at my CHASE BANK ATM, inserted my card and posed for my picture. ( I missed the 'ding' sound, though)

 

5. I walked into a Department store, put white paper bags on the elevators then put my hand to my forehead and shouted WHEN WILL MACYS USE THE BALANCERS!

 

 

6. I played the twist by Chubby Checker, stood in my shower, soaped down my hips, wrapped the shower curtain around me and danced.

 

7. I watched the Food Network shows where contestants ate a lot of food.

 

8. My wife and I went to lunch in a nice restaurant. sat down and played cards and then dominoes while sipping on cokes.

 

9. Called Suzie Orman show to discuss whether we could afford tipping. She said we could! Started heated thread on Cruise Critic on tipping without being cheap!

 

10. I sat with strangers in a restaurant and asked “how u doin?... where are from?.... first cruise?...told knock knock jokes. I told them I was practicing to meet tablemates on my next cruise!

 

11. When the strangers left, I told them how much I hated CELEBRITY cruise line and I should know because I have been on 30 of their cruises.

 

12.Every time I went to my toilet, I took my vacuum cleaner with me and turned it on when I flushed.

 

13. I took my kids on a crowded elevator, insisting there's lots of room and smiled as they pressed all the floor buttons.

 

14.I never left the house without my duct tape, over the door shoe organizer, surge protector, lysol wipes, and night light and X bobble head.

 

15. I woke up at 5AM every morning and crept around the neighborhood, placing towels on my neighbors' patio chairs to reserve them for the day.

 

16. I gave my mailman a gratuity envelope with a stamp on it and thanked him for the towel monkey and chocolates on my bed.

 

17. I rolled up MONOPOLY $20 bills and lit them over my fire place in preparation for my casino losses.

 

18. I issued my wife an Onboard Credit for a future cruise and told her if she closed the deal tonight, she would get more!

 

19. Booked a room at a Motel 6. At check in, asked the guy at the front desk for upgrade. When he said no, told him our travel agent told us we were on The List for a free upgrade. After our overnight stay, returned home and immediately posted a 4-page complaint letter on Motel6 Critic.com detailing everything that was wrong with our trip and how our lives are ruined because we did nothing but plan and anticipate for months. We stated everyone we talked to agreed with us.

20.Finally on Sunday, our family stood in the back of the church and practiced singing the GREEK NATIONAL ANTHEM (in honor of Celebrity Cruise Line's Greek origins) at the end of services. You can learn the words and music here>

[GriffinAlexander]

Your responses are just as hilarious as the OP! I love this thread...it really makes me LOL (and I detest that term!).

 

Thank you! I was worried that someone on here would mis-interpret it. I'm a bit of a comedian and try to do my part at making the world better by making people smile.

 

 

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD

[gotta cruise again]

Have really enjoyed this thread though I have to stop reading it at work--people are starting to stare:eek:

 

Regarding the traumatic events with inappropriate swim wear: is that

Post Traumatic Speedo Disorder (PTSD) ???

[Nannersmom]

OP forgot a couple so for the next cruise we need to get him up to speed...

 

While with your group - stand in the hallways late at night/early morning -talk as loud as you can / laugh and pound on doors. Hey this is the Fun ships and people should not be sleeping at all. They will highly appreciate your group for making sure no fun is missed.

 

Whenever possible, sit on the steps and do not move when other passengers attempt to walk by. This is especially important for other passengers to learn new obstacle courses daily. As an update - this used to be a teenager's responsibility but they have "slipped" in their duties so adults must now participate.

 

Wait until the comedy club is filled, then walk around looking for multiple seats for your group, when you are unable to locate any, feel free to stand in front of the seated passengers. The seated passengers will be content to possible just hear the show, they will not need any visual cues from the comedian.

[andiloveu]

Between the OP and your message I have not laughed so hard in a long time. I'm laughing so hard I'm crying. You two should start a comedy bit on one of the ships. I'd book that cruise for sure!! Thanks for the laughs.:)

Found this thread helpful and fun... http://boards.cruisecritic.com/showthread.php?t=1621962

 

HOW I HAVE PREPARED FOR CRUISE ABOARD CELEBRITY CENTURY ..a bit of FUN :>)) 1 Went out my front door at 4pm; wearing a hat with an X on it , a clipboard, and ran muster station drill with my wife in the car who blew the horn 7 times.

 

2. I went to buffet restaurants and practiced stopping in place for no reason at all and proceeded to walk into the exit . Then I reached across the arms of someone trying to get a salad. When they turned and glared, I rolled my eyes upwards and said, “Zorba the Greek is my favorite movie, do you think he is on this ship? Opa!

 

3. I went to a travel agency and asked a customer,“ how much did you pay?...no matter what they said, I answered,...yeah, that's pretty good but we got a free cruise because on our last Celebrity cruise the SOMMELIER TASTING CUP was larger than normal and they refused to refund us for the sips of wine we did not get! **THIS IS WHYCELEBRITY SOMMELIERS NO LONGER USE TASTING CUPS!!!

 

4.I stood at my CHASE BANK ATM, inserted my card and posed for my picture. ( I missed the 'ding' sound, though)

 

5. I walked into a Department store, put white paper bags on the elevators then put my hand to my forehead and shouted WHEN WILL MACYS USE THE BALANCERS!

 

 

6. I played the twist by Chubby Checker, stood in my shower, soaped down my hips, wrapped the shower curtain around me and danced.

 

7. I watched the Food Network shows where contestants ate a lot of food.

 

8. My wife and I went to lunch in a nice restaurant. sat down and played cards and then dominoes while sipping on cokes.

 

9. Called Suzie Orman show to discuss whether we could afford tipping. She said we could! Started heated thread on Cruise Critic on tipping without being cheap!

 

10. I sat with strangers in a restaurant and asked “how u doin?... where are from?.... first cruise?...told knock knock jokes. I told them I was practicing to meet tablemates on my next cruise!

 

11. When the strangers left, I told them how much I hated CELEBRITY cruise line and I should know because I have been on 30 of their cruises.

 

12.Every time I went to my toilet, I took my vacuum cleaner with me and turned it on when I flushed.

 

13. I took my kids on a crowded elevator, insisting there's lots of room and smiled as they pressed all the floor buttons.

 

14.I never left the house without my duct tape, over the door shoe organizer, surge protector, lysol wipes, and night light and X bobble head.

 

15. I woke up at 5AM every morning and crept around the neighborhood, placing towels on my neighbors' patio chairs to reserve them for the day.

 

16. I gave my mailman a gratuity envelope with a stamp on it and thanked him for the towel monkey and chocolates on my bed.

 

17. I rolled up MONOPOLY $20 bills and lit them over my fire place in preparation for my casino losses.

 

18. I issued my wife an Onboard Credit for a future cruise and told her if she closed the deal tonight, she would get more!

 

19. Booked a room at a Motel 6. At check in, asked the guy at the front desk for upgrade. When he said no, told him our travel agent told us we were on The List for a free upgrade. After our overnight stay, returned home and immediately posted a 4-page complaint letter on Motel6 Critic.com detailing everything that was wrong with our trip and how our lives are ruined because we did nothing but plan and anticipate for months. We stated everyone we talked to agreed with us.

20.Finally on Sunday, our family stood in the back of the church and practiced singing the GREEK NATIONAL ANTHEM (in honor of Celebrity Cruise Line's Greek origins) at the end of services. You can learn the words and music here>

[Travelcat2]

No, I can personally attest to being traumatized by speedo-wearing. I'm still paying for the therapy. There's a great self-help book out about it, and I'm working on my current issues, but really, the cruise lines must step up and take some responsibility for my emotional scarring.

]]

 

Many people living in Europe and other parts of the world look at what people in the U.S. call swimwear (for men) and scratch their heads. If you have ever watched the Summer Olympics, Speedos (and similiar swimwear) are the only way to go.-

[dmwnc1959]

Found this thread helpful and fun... http://boards.cruisecritic.com/showthread.php?t=1621962

 

HOW I HAVE PREPARED FOR CRUISE ABOARD CELEBRITY CENTURY ..a bit of FUN :>))

 

8. My wife and I went to lunch in a nice restaurant. sat down and played cards and then dominoes while sipping on cokes.

 

This happened last year at the AquaSpa Cafe on Celebrity Millennium during my B2B. Couldn't find a seat at a table to EAT for all the people playing Mahjong and reading books. :eek:

 

.

[BeagleOne]

 

HOW I HAVE PREPARED FOR CRUISE ABOARD CELEBRITY CENTURY ..a bit of FUN :>)) 1 Went out my front door at 4pm; wearing a hat with an X on it , a clipboard, and ran muster station drill with my wife in the car who blew the horn 7 times.

 

15. I woke up at 5AM every morning and crept around the neighborhood, placing towels on my neighbors' patio chairs to reserve them for the day.

 

 

 

Hahahahahahahahahaha! I especially love the visual image of these two!

[John Bull]

 

HOW I HAVE PREPARED FOR CRUISE ABOARD CELEBRITY CENTURY ..a bit of FUN :>)) 1 Went out my front door at 4pm; wearing a hat with an X on it , a clipboard, and ran muster station drill with my wife in the car who blew the horn 7 times.

 

2. I went to buffet restaurants and practiced stopping in place for no reason at all and proceeded to walk into the exit . Then I reached across the arms of someone trying to get a salad. When they turned and glared, I rolled my eyes upwards and said, “Zorba the Greek is my favorite movie, do you think he is on this ship? Opa!

 

3. I went to a travel agency and asked a customer,“ how much did you pay?...no matter what they said, I answered,...yeah, that's pretty good but we got a free cruise because on our last Celebrity cruise the SOMMELIER TASTING CUP was larger than normal and they refused to refund us for the sips of wine we did not get! **THIS IS WHYCELEBRITY SOMMELIERS NO LONGER USE TASTING CUPS!!!

 

4.I stood at my CHASE BANK ATM, inserted my card and posed for my picture. ( I missed the 'ding' sound, though)

 

5. I walked into a Department store, put white paper bags on the elevators then put my hand to my forehead and shouted WHEN WILL MACYS USE THE BALANCERS!

 

 

6. I played the twist by Chubby Checker, stood in my shower, soaped down my hips, wrapped the shower curtain around me and danced.

 

7. I watched the Food Network shows where contestants ate a lot of food.

 

8. My wife and I went to lunch in a nice restaurant. sat down and played cards and then dominoes while sipping on cokes.

 

9. Called Suzie Orman show to discuss whether we could afford tipping. She said we could! Started heated thread on Cruise Critic on tipping without being cheap!

 

10. I sat with strangers in a restaurant and asked “how u doin?... where are from?.... first cruise?...told knock knock jokes. I told them I was practicing to meet tablemates on my next cruise!

 

11. When the strangers left, I told them how much I hated CELEBRITY cruise line and I should know because I have been on 30 of their cruises.

 

12.Every time I went to my toilet, I took my vacuum cleaner with me and turned it on when I flushed.

 

13. I took my kids on a crowded elevator, insisting there's lots of room and smiled as they pressed all the floor buttons.

 

14.I never left the house without my duct tape, over the door shoe organizer, surge protector, lysol wipes, and night light and X bobble head.

 

15. I woke up at 5AM every morning and crept around the neighborhood, placing towels on my neighbors' patio chairs to reserve them for the day.

 

16. I gave my mailman a gratuity envelope with a stamp on it and thanked him for the towel monkey and chocolates on my bed.

 

17. I rolled up MONOPOLY $20 bills and lit them over my fire place in preparation for my casino losses.

 

18. I issued my wife an Onboard Credit for a future cruise and told her if she closed the deal tonight, she would get more!

 

19. Booked a room at a Motel 6. At check in, asked the guy at the front desk for upgrade. When he said no, told him our travel agent told us we were on The List for a free upgrade. After our overnight stay, returned home and immediately posted a 4-page complaint letter on Motel6 Critic.com detailing everything that was wrong with our trip and how our lives are ruined because we did nothing but plan and anticipate for months. We stated everyone we talked to agreed with us.

20.Finally on Sunday, our family stood in the back of the church and practiced singing the GREEK NATIONAL ANTHEM (in honor of Celebrity Cruise Line's Greek origins) at the end of services. You can learn the words and music here>

 

Oh, dear.

Far too much of this post is sooooo close to the truth :D:D:D

 

My best laugh of the day.

Nice one, wineman

 

JB :)