April Fools WayBack Machine - 2006

[POA1]

Thought I'd repost this piece of HollandAmericana from 13 years ago. The thread was removed, I think because some people couldn't figure out that it was an April Fools joke, despite the fact the APRIL FOOLS was highlighted as the first letters in each segment.

 

So, as advance warning: This is a satire piece.

 

ORIGINAL TITLE:  HAL vs. Celebrity: Part 1, Volendam Review (Long, multipart)

 

Note:  This was posted in segments, with each one beginning with Part X. I'm reposting it as a single post, with divider lines betwixt. You may wonder how it came to pass that I had an exact copy.  It's because I'm all about history.

 

ABOUT US:

 

We recently sailed on the ms Volendam and we had a wonderful time! Bootsy and I were last on the Volendam two years ago for the wine country cruise to the Napa and Sonoma Valleys and Holland America has made some marvelous improvements to what was already a fine vessel.

 

Lately Bootsy and I have grown quite fond of Crystal, Silversea, and Seabourn, but since we would have three of our grandchildren on this voyage, a spot of rethinking was in order.  Both Phillips-Exeter and Miss Porter's had their spring breaks at the same time, providing us with the delightful opportunity to take our dear granddaughter Merriweather (13) and our grandsons Thurston IV (9) and deShaun (8) on an adventure with Grandmummy and Grandfather.

 

Our initial thought was that we would take the children on the QM2. Cunard already breaks its passengers into distinct classes of service and we thought that the children would benefit from meeting people of diverse backgrounds. Unfortunately Merriweather's and little Thurston's mother Sloane felt that the QM2 was "too English" for her brood, so we set off on an Internet search for a cruise to better meet our needs.

 

My assistant's secretary perused the message boards on CruiseCritic and came up with two choices: Holland America and Celebrity. Since our goal was to expose the children to people from a wide variety of backgrounds, we chose the Fun Ships of Holland America. Celebrity seemed a bit too upscale for our needs. After all, if one is trying to expose one's progeny to the people who will one day work in the family's offices and factories, there's little point in going upscale.

 

We had hoped to book the Penthouse Suite but it was already taken.  Despite the fact that we are more affluent and certainly more important than the people who booked PS-7001, Holland America refused to bump them. I suppose that's for the best as it allowed Bootsy and I to have our own stateroom instead of having to share one with the boys. We were in S-7027.  Merri, Thurston, and deShaun were in S-7035 with an au pair whose name escapes me at the moment.  Rounding out our little band was our manservant Langston in I-7025.

PORT EVERGLADES - EMBARKATION:

 

Embarkation went well. Not much has changed since we last cruised on the Volendam two years ago.  Your driver simply drops you off at the Port Everglades terminal and hands your luggage over to the porters. You then head inside where you'll see two check in lines. One is for Suite guests and the other is for everyone else. Near as I can tell both lines move pretty quickly. The regular check in line is much longer than the one for the Suites, but there are more check-in agents devoted to the standard line.

RIGHT AFTER CHECK-IN - BOARDING THE SHIP:

 

Since Mother and I as well as the children and that au pair girl from Sweden were in Suites, we were able to bypass the line of people waiting to board the ship.  We handed our carry-ons to Langston since he had to wait anyway. (The ship's photographers snapped a simply rollicking picture of Langston with the nine carry-on bags. He looked just like one of those Sherpa - only decidely more British!)

 

If you are in a suite, you will be given a special pass that allows you to jump ahead of everyone in the long, long, line waiting to board the ship. If you're like us, you will notice that people point and whisper as you bypass the line. I assured the children that people are merely pointing because they recognize that they are in the presence of their betters.

IN OUR STATEROOMS:

 

The staterooms were well-thought out and quite functional. We immediately noticed some of the changes that Holland America made as part of its Signature of Excellence program. The mattresses were greatly improved over what we found two years ago. There was also a flat screen television and DVD player. One area that slipped was the quality of the robes. I am pretty sure that they used to be terry cloth. Now they're more of a waffle material. Bootsy tells me that all passengers get these robes now, regardless of one's standing. I think it's dreadful that the people in steerage and the people in suites should have the same robes, but I vow not to let that get in the way of our grand adventure.

 

In the bath, we note that Holland America has replaced its "Royal Dutch" toiletries with products from Elemis. Bootsy is quite pleased with this. If Bootsy is happy, everybody's happy!

 

So far, we are pleased with our suite. We're looking forward to the "Suite Life" amenities that Holland America has added to the ship when she was in dry dock late last year.

 

When we catch up with Langston, he seems pleased with his inside cabin. I should hope so. While his cabin is not terribly spacious, he does have it all to himself. He's also happy to be on the Navigation deck which is home to a nicer class of passenger.

LIFEBOAT DRILL:

 

We heard a bit of grumbling during the lifeboat drill, but I for one am happy that HAL takes safety so seriously. We had an unexpected surprise during the lifeboat drill. I hadn't realized that the new "Suite Life" program extended to the lifeboats, but I guess this is why Holland America is so popular.  Imagine our delight when we discovered that the lifeboats for suite guests were stocked with gourmet provisions, wines, and champagnes! Not that I was hoping for a disaster, mind you, but it was nice to know that Holland America thought of the little touches that appeal to the discriminating traveler. I guess they weren't kidding about the "Suite Life."

 

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HAL vs. Celebrity: Part 2, Volendam Review (Long, multipart)

FOOD & DINING - ROTTERDAM DINING ROOM:

 

We found the food to be quite good with plenty of choices to please everyone.  One of the nicer perks of being a suite guest was that all our dishes were prepared a la minute instead of being made assembly line fashion. The nice thing is that it is invisible to the guests in steerage and no one's feelings get hurt.  We had a table for six with a lovely location next to one of the large windows. (Langston and the au pair girl were "off duty" during the evening meals.)  Since there were only five of us at the table, we had a different officer dine with us each night. It was a very nice addition to our cruise experience. Bootsy and I enjoyed the officers' tales of life at sea and the children were fascinated by the concept of "working one's way up through the ranks."

OTHER DINING - PINNACLE GRILL:

 

Bootsy and I dined alone in the Pinnacle Grill one evening, leaving the children in the care of Club HAL and our own servants.  The service was first rate and the food was prepared to perfection. We enjoyed meeting Walter, the Volley's cellar master. He helped us to select a bottle of wine to accompany each of our four courses.

 

I probably should have mentioned this under Dining - Rotterdam above, but the addition of the wine cellar during Volley's dry dock was a bully idea.  Having a wider selection of wines and vintages will truly help Holland America to appeal to a more discerning clientele. If you have the good fortune to sail on the Volendam in the near future, be sure to seek out Walter. His expertise and knowledge of wine and viniculture are of great benefit.

OTHER DINING - LIDO:

 

We don't normally go in for that whole "Grab a heaping tray of food for your own bad self" type of dining, but we wanted to see what all the "Suite Express" hullabaloo was about. We decided to try the Lido for breakfast on our first sea day. When we arrived, the line was fairly long.  Bootsy gave me a look that said, "THIS is why we don't do buffets."  I spotted the "Suite Express" attendant and handed him our gold room keys that identified us as suite guests.

 

The attendant stationed us toward the end of the line so we could see what types of food people were putting on their trays. (Honestly! The things that the poor will eat. It truly amazes me sometimes.) After a few minutes of watching trays go by, I was pretty sure that the "Suite Express" program was a bust. That's when young Thurston came up with the capital idea of standing closer to the omelette station. From this vantage point, we could see exactly what ingredients were being put into people's omelettes.  All we had to do was wait until someone ordered their eggs the way we liked ours and then follow them down the line while they added potatoes and breakfast meats. At that point, we signaled the "Suite Express" attendant who took away their tray and sent them back to the beginning of the line. The attendant then deftly transferred the expropriated food from the Lido plates to proper china and carried it to the suite guests' private breakfast room. It may seem unfair to go all the way through the line only to have your food taken away from you, but let's face it: When you only pay $699 for a week-long cruise, you have to expect the occasional hardship. (POA's note: $699 was considered an inexpensive fare in 2006.)

 

All in all, we still prefer to have our breakfast delivered to our suite. The children, however, think that the "Suite Express" program is an absolute hoot. We cautioned them that they should make sure to only take nutritious food and that they shouldn't keep taking trays from the same person every day just because they can. We want our grandchildren to be responsible members of polite society, so we sent the Swedish girl (Inge, Ilse?) along to ensure that they weren't treating the non-suite passengers as toys.

LIFE ON BOARD - CLUB HAL:

 

The boys seemed to like Club HAL quite a bit. Merriweather is at that age where she is not a child and not quite an adult, so the idea of a "Kids' Program" wasn't quite her cup of tea. Holland America makes a point of telling suite passengers that there are special Club HAL programs just for suite guests.  To be honest, the "Suite Child O' Mine" program isn't all that different from regular Club HAL, or at least it wasn't on our sailing. About the only difference was that children in suites are assigned the most attractive, best-educated Club HAL counselor. Other than that, it's basically the same.

 

The Club HAL attendees have their own area of the ship, called "The Oasis" where they can hang out and do the kind of things that kids do these days. There is a video arcade and a waterfall pool. As I said, they boys really liked Club HAL. They only thing they weren't wild about was the size of the Club HAL pool.  Boisterous young men need a bit more room for splashing, romping, and horseplay. Fortunately there are two other pools on the ship.  Having two energetic youths frolicking in the aft and Lido pools really added some life to an otherwise dull and sedate poolside environment.  You could almost feel the other cruisers becoming more young-at-heart when the boys would race from pool to pool, yelling, splashing, creaming, and playing tag. At our port stop in St. Thomas, Master deShaun purchased a veritable arsenal of Super Soakers and equipped all the other children at Club HAL. (Travel tip: Make sure you call your credit card company if you are planning to use plastic to pay for purchases when you are in port.  The toy store had to get special authorization from American Express when deShaun went to buy the squirt guns. If the au pair had called Amex and informed them that deShaun would be traveling outside the USA, this could have been avoided.)

 

The next day, there were nearly two dozen water warriors doing battle all over the Lido deck. A jolly time was had by both the kids and the sunbathers at the pools. So good in fact, that the ship's security people asked that the boys confine their shenanigans to Club HAL in the future. I guess Club HAL isn't as much fun when all the participants are away from the Oasis.

SHIP'S LAYOUT:

 

The Volendam is a well-designed vessel. It's easy to get from place to place thanks to the three elevator banks. There is one on each end and one in the middle of the ship. The elevators were refurbished during dry dock and they look as good as new. The forward and aft elevators were upgraded with the "SuiteExpress" feature, not to be confused with the "Suite Express" in the Lido.  If you've ever stayed in a hotel that has an executive or VIP level, then this feature will probably be familiar to you.  In some your better hotels there are certain floors that can be accessed only if the guest has a special key which is inserted into a slot on the elevator.  The "SuiteExpress" feature is similar, but instead of giving you access to a restricted floor, "SuiteExpress" overrides the lit buttons and proceeds directly to the deck whose button was pressed after the gold suite key card was inserted.

 

While I applaud HAL for making it more convenient for their suite guests, I think they could improve the program in several ways. First, the name is confusing. "SuiteExpress" and "Suite Express" are so much alike that it is hard to differentiate, especially when the terms are spoken instead of written.  Second, "SuiteExpress" makes for some awkward moments.  The forward and aft elevators can get pretty crowded, especially at dinner time, after the shows, and at the beginning and end of port days.  Rather than allowing suite guests to override all of the elevators, perhaps it would be best if one of the four elevators in the bank were designated for use by suite guests during peak periods. The poor, downtrodden masses traveling in steerage have a tendency to give you an uncomfortable stare when the lift goes zooming past their deck and right up to Deck 7.  By using a dedicated elevator, preferably guarded by a security officer wielding one of those electrified prods, a lot of the misunderstanding could be avoided.

!WE HAVE A WINNER! - THE CASINO

 

Our family has never been much for gambling. We prefer to earn our money the old-fashioned way, through inheritance and litigation.  Langston, however, enjoys a good game of chance now and again. He was able to parlay a $300 stake into nearly $4,000 playing roulette and craps. Langston had nothing but praise for the casino staff, but what do you expect from someone who won a big winner? 😄

 

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HAL vs. Celebrity: Part 3, Volendam Review (Long, multipart)

GOING ASHORE - PORTS OF CALL:

 

Our voyage stopped in Aruba, Curacao, Dominica, St. Thomas, USVI, and Holland America's private island Half Moon Cay. I'll discuss Half Moon Cay under its own heading.

 

ARUBA: We docked in Oranjestad and it was a short walk to where we met the limousine that took us to the heliport. We traveled by helo to Kralendijk, Bonaire where our chartered mini sub was waiting.  The mini sub took us to explore the reefs in and around Bonaire. If you have the means, I highly recommend an excursion to Bonaire. The beaches and reefs are much less crowded than those on Aruba and Curacao and the scenery is truly spectacular. In addition to the beauty of the unspoiled underwater world, it's quite the relief to get away from all of those cruise ship people.

 

CURACAO: The family split up in Curacao. The children and that Swedish girl (Heidi, if memory serves) went to the Curacao Seaquarium for the dolphin encounter. A fun time was reported by all.  Bootsy, Langston and I decided to tour the Curaçao Liqueur Distillery.  At the distillery, they bottle five different types of Curaçao.  The original liqueur is clear in color, but it is also available in four other colors: blue, red, mandarin (orange) and green.  All five of the liqueurs taste the same. Only the color is different. I wish someone had told us early in the tour. Bootsy and I had polished off the better part five different colored bottles before we realized that we were never going to be able to tell them apart.

 

DOMINICA:  The island of Dominica is an unspoiled tropical rainforest.  I imagine this is what Hawaii was like before Don Ho brought civilization to the islands.  Mother and I aren't too keen on eco-adventures so we spent the day onboard Volley.  The boys went on the Club HAL-sponsored zip line and bungee jumping adventure. In their own words, "It was awesome!" Merri and the au pair (Hilde? Make a note to check with the service and find out what her name is.) took advantage of the port day discount in the spa. I'll cover this in more detail under "Spa" below.

 

ST. THOMAS: St. Thomas is the shopping capital of the Caribbean.  We don't normally go in for "shopping" preferring to send one of the servants out with a list of things to buy. However, HAL had a special program for suite guests. The Port Shopping Ambassador was available in the Neptune Lounge one afternoon for one-on-one meetings with the passengers staying in the suites. Bootsy went to meet with her and the Ambassador gave Mother a "Suite Deals" card. Simply put, you present this card to any of the featured merchants and they guarantee that they will give you a price that is at least 10% better than the prices they give to the passengers who travel in the bowels of the ship.

 

We walked into Rubies International and spotted one of our fellow passengers who gave us the evil eye for using "SuiteExpress" to zip from the show lounge to the Crow's Nest. This woman was trying on a tiny little three carat ruby pendant. Normally Bootsy wouldn't give a trinket like this a second glance, but I could see the playful glint in her eyes.  Bootsy was going to get back at this woman for scowling at us on the elevator.  The woman haggled and haggled to get her best deal. When she did, Bootsy thrust out the "Suite Deals" card and was quoted a price close to 15% less than the one "staring lady" got. Naturally Bootsy didn't buy the pendant. She just wanted to tweak "staring lady."  That's my mischievous little minx!

ONBOARD RELAXATION - THE POOLS:

 

In addition to the children's pool in the Oasis, the Volendam has two other pools. One is under the sliding dome cover, amidships on the Lido deck. The other pool, also on the Lido deck, is located aft, outside.  We preferred the outdoor pool and indicated so on the "Suite Relaxation" form. Each day, when we were ready to go to the pool, we headed to the chairs that the staff reserved for us. We always had seven lounges saved for our use. Only rarely were all of us at the pool at the same time, but the extra chairs provided a pleasant buffer between us and the impecunious masses. One can only rub elbows with the less fortunate so many hours in a day.

If I had any advice to give someone considering a Southern Caribbean cruise, it would be this: Take plenty of sunscreen! The southern sun is quite strong and you will need to reapply your sunscreen often. The wind and breeze by the pool will make you think that it's cooler than it really is and you'll be tempted to stay out longer than you normally would.  Bootsy normally wears SPF 30 and has Langston stand over her with a parasol.  Since the ship was moving at 18 knots and there was a 20 knot headwind, the parasol option was out of the question. Luckily the concierge was able to scare up a tube of SPF 70.  Merri, little Thurston and I don't burn as easily and SPF 30 was sufficient for us. Young Master duShaun seems to be immune to the sun. He could stay out in the sun all day and never burn. The lad reminds me of that old commercial. He gets a deep, dark, savage tan.

THE NEPTUNE LOUNGE:

 

As a suite guest, you are entitled to use the concierge lounge which is called the "Neptune Lounge" on the Volley.  When you check in at the terminal in Fort Lauderdale you are issued a ship's ID card that also acts as your stateroom key and charge card for purchases made on board.  Suite guests are issued keys with a gold colored design. The underprivileged are given keys with a design that is referred to as "silver" but which, in reality, is more of an aluminum foil color.

 

If you have a "gold" key, you are allowed to use the Neptune Lounge. There is a concierge in the Neptune Lounge who can assist you with Pinnacle reservations, excursion booking, and scheduling spa treatments. There is also food available in Neptune Lounge. They serve light breakfast, lunch, and snacks throughout the day. One of my favorite things about the Neptune Lounge is the coffee, espresso, and cappuccino machine. It's great to have my caffeine fix so close at hand!

 

The Neptune Concierge can also help you with complimentary DVD rentals and a multitude of other requests.

 

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HAL vs. Celebrity: Part 4, Volendam Review (Long, multipart)

 

YET ANOTHER PERFECT DAY AT HALF MOON CAY:

 

We just think that Half Moon Cay is the bee's knees.  In my opinion, it is one of the prettiest spots anywhere.  The Club HAL playground and the water park are new since we last visited HMC. The boys just loved it!  Merri and the au pair spent the day on the main beach with some new friends they met at the spa. Their new friends are Swedish, as is whatshername, the au pair girl, and they're teaching Merriweather how to speak the language.

 

I'm not sure that our daughter Sloane would be happy to see her little Merri spending so much time with the help, but one of the goals of this trip was to help our grandchildren see how the other half lives, so I suppose it's fine.

 

Speaking of the other half....  The Neptune Concierge told Bootsy about the private part of the island that is reserved for suite guests. I like to refer to it as "The Other Half" Moon Cay.  The private area lies south of the Stingray Adventure area, just past a jungle thicket. This area is served by its own tender dock and most people probably don't know it's even there. We were instructed to get into the elevator and use the "SuiteExpress" feature to get off one deck above the tender deck. (I think this was the Main Deck, but I could be wrong. The cabins were spaced quite close together on whatever deck it was. I took pity on the poor souls who were bunking down there. Our Springer Spaniel, Ch. Whittimore's Crest of Snootington Farms, aka "Whitty", would have felt cramped in these quarters.)

 

Upon arriving on the aforementioned deck, we had to show our gold suite key cards to a staff member who gave us hot towels with lemon to help us recover from our long journey down from the Navigation Deck. We were escorted down a private staircase to the tender station on the opposite side of the ship from where the regular tenders departed. We joined two other couples who were already waiting in the tender. (This was the same tender we mustered at during the lifeboat drill. It was quite nicely appointed with polished brass, teak, and safety orange Corinthian leather reclining seats. Aside from the orange color, which I assume was for safety's sake, the seats were quite comfortable, with a thickly padded headrest, 170 degree recline, and pneumatically adjustable lumbar support.

 

During the short trip to the "Other Half" Moon Cay, we were treated to a light snack of Quebec Foie Gras and Fig Roulade, Parmesan Reggiano Mousse accompanied by a Delicately Spiced Cheese Crisp, and a selection of artisanal European cheeses. Mother washed her repast down with a complimentary glass of the 1985 Veuve Clicquot La Grande Dame while I opted for a snifter of Remy Martin XO.  Not surprisingly, our drinks were served in Riedel's chip-proof emergency stemware (the crystal glasses that use titanium in place of lead for strength and have the fluorescent, high-visibilty green stripe to aid in rescue.)

 

Upon reaching the tender dock, we were greeted by members of the Pinnacle Grill staff who were assigned to wait on us. If you are familiar with the regular beach on Half Moon Cay, you won't find a whole lot of differences between it and the private beach.  The lounge chairs are teak instead of plastic and have somewhat thicker padding. There is no walk-up bar, since all of your drinks are brought directly to you. Instead of the BBQ lunch, there is course by course service from a limited luncheon menu.  The day we were there we had our choice of appetizers (Lobster Bisque with Cognac Crème Fraîche and Lobster Ravioli - A Tropical Salad of Mixed Greens with Dried Cherries, Candied Pecans, Maytag Blue Cheese and Aged Balsamic Vinaigrette - or Pan Roasted Diver Harvested Scallops on Asparagus with Black Trumpet Sauce and Spring Pea Froth), a main course (Pan Roasted Potato Wrapped Halibut Filet on Sautéed Spinach, Seasonal Vegetables and Smoked Bacon Sauce - Seared North Atlantic Cod Filet on a Mushroom, Asparagus and Steamed Potato Ragout with Lobster Hollandaise - or A Grilled Sterling Silver Beef Tenderloin with a Horseradish and Goat Cheese Crust on a Potato Pancake and Merlot Shallot Sauce) and dessert (Grand Marnier Soufflé with Vanilla Ice Cream and Chocolate Creme Anglaise -  Coconut Crème Brûlée with Pineapple Carpaccio and Lime Granité - or Fig Newtons and Peanut M&M's.)

 

The other difference is that there's a lot more beach for fewer people. It's not the least bit crowded at the private beach. Besides the suite passengers and the Pinnacle staff who were acting as our beach stewards for the day, the beach was also populated by members of the Volendam show lounge cast. Our beach steward told us that this was done intentionally so that we would have attractive people to look at while we lounged on the beach. He told us that focus groups of affluent travelers were quite put-off by having to look at pasty-white, ugly people in ill-fitting swim attire. I have to hand it to Holland America. They really do try to think of everything!

ONBOARD ENTERTAINMENT:

 

We enjoyed the shows in the Frans Hals Lounge immensely! We were fortunate to have the incomparable Paul Pappas on our sailing. The man is an entertainment tour de force.  The cast shows were lively and a lot of fun. Like most people, we just can't get enough Broadway show tunes. We missed the comedy jugglers as they performed the night we ate in the Pinnacle Grill. From what we heard though, they were wonderful - especially when they rode the unicycles and juggled the swords, flaming batons, and the cats. Hats off to whomever is in charge of HAL's entertainment. It was superb!

The live string quintet that plays during dinner is an elegant touch that helps set Holland America apart from the lesser lines. The quintet also plays in the Explorers Lounge before and after dinner. Bootsy and I think that it's one of the most genteel experiences on the high seas.  Each night after dinner we would repair to the Explorers Lounge for our evening martinis. Chocolates and flaming coffees are also featured in the Explorers Lounge. Don't miss them! We wouldn't think of it.

 

A combo plays in the Ocean Bar for dancing both before and after dinner. After we had a few martinis and sampled a couple of flaming coffees in the Explorer's Lounge, we would head to the Ocean Bar on our way to the show lounge.  One of the areas in which Holland America excels is in the precision of their scheduling.  There is ample time after dinner to stop by the Explorers Lounge and  then head off to grab three or four cocktails in the Ocean Bar -- with just enough time left over to dance a few numbers while the talented combo plays in the Ocean Bar.

After the show, a singer and band entertain passengers in the Crow's Nest.  They play wonderful dance music, so grab your "Lady in Red" and take to the floor.  

 

The Crow's Nest acts as the ship's disco once the band is done playing. If Bibo is tending bar, ask him to make his special Luzon Island Iced Tea. (Manila is located on the Philippine Island of Luzon.) Bibo's Luzon Island Iced Tea is similar to a Long Island Iced Tea. Bibo uses a modified version of the usual recipe of vodka, tequila, rum, gin, triple sec, sour mix and Coke.  Bibo's version uses 100-proof vodka, Bacardi 151, Bombay Sapphire, quadruple sec, sour mix, orange juice, and a splash of Coca-Cola. The secret, he says, is to use three jiggers of Booker's bourbon in place of the tequila. I'm not a big fan of tequila, so I don't miss it. Word to the wise though, don't have more than five of Bibo's concoctions in a two hour period unless you are eating something. A handful of peanuts seems to do the trick for us. If you're a suite guest and peanuts aren't to your liking, you can order room service and have it delivered to your barstool.

UNPARALLED SPA SERVICE:

 

Bootsy took advantage of some of the complimentary spa services and I enjoyed the hydrotherapy pool, but it was our granddaughter Merriweather and the au pair girl who really utilized the spa to the fullest. As I mentioned earlier, Merri felt that - at thirteen - she was too old for Club HAL.  Since the Swedish au pair didn't really have anything to do now that the boys were in Club HAL, we asked her to look after Merri. (It turns out that the au pair's name is Frida. I have no idea where I got Inge, Ilse, and Heidi. Now all I have to do is remember the 70s singing sensations ABBA and I will remember her name.)

 

Frida suggested a visit to the spa for some relaxing and invigorating treatments. If that would keep Merri from sulking around, it was fine with Bootsy and me. The first day, the two young ladies had the Elemis Japanese Silk Booster Facial, the Cellutox Aroma Spa Ocean Wrap, and the Elemis Deep Tissue Muscle Massage.  That night, Merri seemed to be in a better mood than she had been in since - I can't remember when. So, when she asked if she could schedule more spa treatments, we told her "of course, dear" and returned our attention to our Luzon Island Iced Teas.

 

Merri became quite the spa rat after that, scheduling nearly five hours of massage therapy every day. Initially, we were a bit concerned. After all, how tense can a teenager be? But, it kept her happy and it's not like she was going alone. She had Frida to watch out for her.  Frida assured us that the masseurs were very well-trained in Swedish massage. She used the term, "skicklig med deras tunga" which apparently meant that they studied Swedish massage at the university. The masseurs, Erik and Sven seemed like nice chaps. Being fellow countrymen they really hit it off with Frida. She and Merri started hanging out with the two buff, handsome young Swedish spa staff members. We were pleased that Merriweather's demeanor had improved and she was even learning a new langauge. "Jag älskar dig farfar. Jag gillar dina pengar mest av allt.", she told me. which means "I love you grandfather. Thank you for a wonderful vacation."  

 

For the next few days Merri spent a lot of time with Sven and Erik, learning their language and having all her cares massaged away. I think that they may have pinched a nerve or something though. After the sixth day, Merri reverted to her morose old self. (I know how this can be. Emilio at my club gives a great upper back and neck rub, but one time he pinched a nerve and my neck was sore for a week!) On the last day of our cruise, Merri just moped around saying, "Jag har venerisk sjukdom. Den såra till kasta vatten. Var kanna JAG köpa något antibiotika?"  Frida translated for us. "Merriweather misses her school chums. At her age, her friends are very important to her."

 

I think it was good that Frida took Merri under her wing. What a shame it was that the au pair placement agency told her to go home shortly after our cruise ended. It seems that Frida's mother had taken ill and Frida needed to return to Sweden to care for her.

!BEST! CRUISE ACTIVITIES STAFF EVER:

 

They say that the Cruise Director's staff can make or break your cruise. I can say without a doubt that the cruise activities staff MADE this cruise one that we'll remember for a long time. These energetic young people work long hours but always have a smile on their faces and a hearty "Hello" for everyone they meet. It must take a whole lot of stamina, a love of people, and most importantly, fistfuls of mood-altering drugs to be so upbeat, enthusiastic, and perky day in and day out. Everyone from the Cruise Director to the Club HAL staff to the weird little guy who walks around drunk all the time deserves a big round of applause. No wonder they call Holland America the Fun Ships!

 

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HAL vs. Celebrity: Part 5, Volendam Review (Long, multipart)

 

BETTER AMENITIES - THE "SUITE ESCAPES" PROGRAM:

 

Among the upgrades performed in dry dock, one of the more interesting was the creation of the "Suite Escapes."  "Suite Escapes" are private places around the ship, accessible using the suite guest's gold key card.  The Neptune concierge provides you with a ship's map showing the locations of the various "Suite Escapes."  If you are looking at Volley's deck plans, you'll see some white areas that aren't labeled. Some of these are crew areas and storage. A few of them are "Suite Escapes" locations. If you are on the ship, just look for the card access doors with the gold "SE" logo.  We didn't have the opportunity to try all of the "Suite Escapes", but we did sample a few.

 

Some of the highlights:  The "Suite Soak" private hydrotherapy pool. Not only does this save you $25 per person per day, you avoid the unpleasantness that comes with having to worry about the type of people who were using the pool before you.  The "FreeBar" serves complimentary drinks made with premium liquors from 11 AM to 3 PM and from 5 PM to 8 PM every day. It's always a pleasure to enjoy a nice cocktail with the right people.  

 

Bootsy, Merriweather, and the Swedish girl Frida enjoyed the complimentary offerings in the "Suite Salon".  No charge polish changes, hair styling, and makeup application are available to suite guests. I'm not 100% certain, but I think that the same people who work in the regular spa staff the Suite Salon.  If you ever have an appointment in the regular spa and they're "running behind", you can bet your bottom dollar that the beauty needs of the suite guests are to blame.

 

I didn't quite understand the concept of the "Suite Shoppe" at first. Evidently, Holland America's liquor policies have changed since we sailed a few years ago. When we last sailed on HAL, you could take your liquor purchases from the onboard shops back to your stateroom. That is no longer the case.  The "Suite Shoppe" isn't really a store, per se. Rather it's a place where suite guests' liquor purchases are delivered so that the suite passengers can take them back to their staterooms without the passengers in steerage noticing.  The "Suite Shoppe" handles both onboard and onshore liquor purchases. (We know this because five mostly-empty bottles of Curaçao were waiting for us there.)

YES, SADLY IT'S DISEMBARKATION TIME:

 

I've always thought Holland America did a wonderful job getting passengers off the ship in an orderly, timely fashion when the cruise came to and end. I didn't really see any place where the process could be improved.  Boy was I wrong!  On previous voyages, suite guests were able to put their luggage out later than other passengers. That afforded a bit of extra packing time, which was nice. (This has hot changed. You still get extra time.)  In the past, Suite guests were given priority disembarkation numbers so that they could debark at their leisure.

 

The new "Suite Endings" program improves on what was already a great disembarkation process.  Now, your luggage is taken to a special private room in the terminal building. You no longer need to mill around trying to find your bags in the vast field of luggage.  You simply head to the elevator when you're ready to get off the ship, and thanks to "SuiteExpress" you go directly from the Navigation Deck to the gangway on the Main Deck.

 

A waiting golf cart, complete with a flashing light and whoop-whoop siren whisks you to the private luggage lounge where you are served cocktails and snacks. You hand your gold key card to the luggage attendant who fetches your luggage and carts it outside where your driver, cab, or hired car is waiting.

 

ENJOYED OUR TRIP - HOPE YOU ENJOYED READING ABOUT IT:

 

We had a wonderful time on our recent Holland America cruise. I hope you enjoyed reading about our voyage as much as I enjoyed dictating it to my assistant who had it typed up by a big-haired, underpaid clerk in the secretarial pool. The key to understanding what a cruise review is all about can often be found by looking at the most important parts of the review - the first letters of the headings, for instance. We enjoyed meeting a wide variety of people on our Volley cruise. From the people in the Penthouse, to the people who were in those rooms that have the propeller shaft running through them, it takes all kinds of folks to make for an enjoyable vacation experience.

 

Dictated the 91st day of the year 2006 by Thurston "Biff" Huntington-Smythe, III

 

 

 

Edited April 1, 2019 by POA1

[Copper10-8]

Still laughing! 😂

[POA1]

Just now, Copper10-8 said:

Still laughing! 😂

 

Not sure how well the Dutch translation parts held up. Translation tools were a bit more primitive in 2006.

[Fouremco]

Great post!!!

 

[POA1]

5 minutes ago, POA1 said:

 

Not sure how well the Dutch translation parts held up. Translation tools were a bit more primitive in 2006.

My bad. That was supposed to be Swedish now that I reread it. 

[AtlantaCruiser72]

POA1 - I remember the uproar and snarkiness of some of the thread police on that one - I Laughed my lower behind bits off then, and again now - as always thank you for your Levity and irreverence!  You ALWAYS make me smile and laugh

[Copper10-8]

29 minutes ago, POA1 said:

My bad. That was supposed to be Swedish now that I reread it. 

 

Yeah, me thinks that Swedish au pair girl, Inge, Ilse, Heidi, Hilde, whatshername, Frida from ABBA, had something to do with that one, or it could have been the Springer Spaniel, Ch. Whittimore's Crest of Snootington Farms, aka "Whitty" 🤣

Edited April 1, 2019 by Copper10-8

[regnig]

If there is a single person who reads that doesn't laugh out loud then they have A REAL PROBLEM.  Loved, just loved it! 😂

[VennDiagram]

Hilarious!  Were you the author, POA1?

[cruisebie]

That is the funniest thing I have ever read!  My glasses of blue, red, mandarin and green curacao are raised to you.  Well done, Mr Huntington-Smythe, III.

[POA1]

46 minutes ago, VennDiagram said:

Hilarious!  Were you the author, POA1?

 

The author was banned from CC, so I will say "not to the best of my knowledge." Let's just say that I know where he's hiding.  I did spot a couple of typos that I will have to correct in the historical document. You know... For future generations. 

 

Host Walt reposted it a few years ago, so I guess it's safe now. 

Edited April 2, 2019 by POA1

[DocJohnB]

Whoa boy!  That was hilarious!  Thanks for brightening my day!

 

Åh de svenska männen. Vilket lustigt gäng. 
Which I am told translates (roughly) to, "Oh those Swedish men.  They are always such kind gentlemen"

 

Edited April 2, 2019 by DocJohnB

[POA1]

5 hours ago, DocJohnB said:

Whoa boy!  That was hilarious!  Thanks for brightening my day!

 

Åh de svenska männen. Vilket lustigt gäng. 
Which I am told translates (roughly) to, "Oh those Swedish men.  They are always such kind gentlemen"

 

Glad you liked it. I'll pass along your comments, because the post was totally not written by me. Not at all. Nope. 

[ellbelle]

21 hours ago, POA1 said:

 

The author was banned from CC, so I will say "not to the best of my knowledge." Let's just say that I know where he's hiding.  I did spot a couple of typos that I will have to correct in the historical document. You know... For future generations. 

 

Host Walt reposted it a few years ago, so I guess it's safe now. 

Is this the same person who used to post hilarious images (GIF's now, lol) especially on hot topic threads?  I miss that person.

[Walfam]

LOL. Well done!   

[POA1]

2 hours ago, ellbelle said:

Is this the same person who used to post hilarious images (GIF's now, lol) especially on hot topic threads?  I miss that person.

No. It's not the same person. (And for the record, choosy mothers choose Jif.)

 

 

[caribill]

Other translations:

"Jag älskar dig farfar. Jag gillar dina pengar mest av allt.", she told me. which means "I love you grandfather. Thank you for a wonderful vacation."       (Note -- actual translation is “I love you grandfather. I like your money most of all.”)

 

On the last day of our cruise, Merri just moped around saying, "Jag har venerisk sjukdom. Den såra till kasta vatten. Var kanna JAG köpa något antibiotika?"  Frida translated for us. "Merriweather misses her school chums. At her age, her friends are very important to her."     (Note – actual translation is “I have venereal disease. It hurts to discard water. Where can I buy some antibiotics?”)

[RuthC]

I remember the original thread well. It was---and remains---one of the all-time greats.

[POA1]

10 hours ago, caribill said:

Other translations:

"Jag älskar dig farfar. Jag gillar dina pengar mest av allt.", she told me. which means "I love you grandfather. Thank you for a wonderful vacation."       (Note -- actual translation is “I love you grandfather. I like your money most of all.”)

 

On the last day of our cruise, Merri just moped around saying, "Jag har venerisk sjukdom. Den såra till kasta vatten. Var kanna JAG köpa något antibiotika?"  Frida translated for us. "Merriweather misses her school chums. At her age, her friends are very important to her."     (Note – actual translation is “I have venereal disease. It hurts to discard water. Where can I buy some antibiotics?”)

Yes, those would also be jokes. Layered, but jokes nonetheless. I believe that "discard water" was the circa 2006 translation tool version of "pee." It would probably be "kissa" today. Google Translate did not exist back then. (It launched at the end of April 2006.) Even if it had, it wasn't great back then.