“So a Penguin, a Horse and Polar Bear walk into a bar on the Edge...

[alibaba1]

[alibaba1]

[alibaba1]

[alibaba1]

A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the same thing. As we was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat would always beat him home. At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there. Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes," the wife answers. "Why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answers: "Put that damn cat on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions!

[alibaba1]

Boudreaux, Thibodeaux and Hebert are fishing when an angel appears.
Thibodeaux says, “I’ve suffered from back pain for years. Can you help me?”
The angel touches Thib’s back, and he feels instant relief.
Hebert points to his thick glasses and begs for a cure for his poor eyesight.
When the angel tosses the lenses into the lake, Hebert gains 20/20 vision.
As the angel turns to Boudreaux, he instantly recoils and screams, “Don’t touch me! I’m on disability!”

[alibaba1]

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, " But if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards it.
"Two dogs, please." Says the mother superior. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'.
The mother superior is first to open hers, then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously,
"What part of the dog did you get?"

[alibaba1]

A junior high school in South Louisiana was recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick, and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, old Mr. Boudreaux, the maintenance man, would remove the lipstick . . . and then the next day the girls would mess up the mirrors again.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there along with Mr. Boudreaux. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean up the mirrors, she asked Mr. Boudreaux to show the girls how much effort was required to clean up the lipstick. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and then cleaned the mirrors with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

[alibaba1]

[alibaba1]

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[alibaba1]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large duffel bags. One of the bags was ripped, and every once in awhile, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a Policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of male fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know.
Then I thought, 'Why not make the best of it?' So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his (You Know What) through my fence, I surprise him, Grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck!
Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody always carries around $20.00.." 

 

[alibaba1]

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[alibaba1]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears. 'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.
The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'
'I remember that, too' she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today." 

 

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[goofysmom99]

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