hucifer

If it makes you feel any better, I didn’t feel super safe in the Cozumel cab as part of a a family of four, including a 19 year old football player. Glad you found Nachi. It really is lovely.

I too cruised alone this spring. I even went to an all inclusive beach club in also advisory listed Jamaica. We are living on the edge.

Loving your review. Thank you.

Actually...yes. That does make me feel better. Thanks!

Okay, so I'm not the only one who risks their own personal safety and wellness for a few hours on the beach. That also makes me feel better. I have to say, I felt a LOT safer doing the Cozumel Bar Hop alone since transportation was provided for our drunken @sses.

Glad you're enjoying the review!

DAY 6: FIVE EASY STEPS TO BECOMING A MURDER TARGET

“No man goes before his time…unless the boss leaves early.”

-- Groucho Marx

Hey guys. Remember the text I got from my boss on day 2?

[crickets]

I’ll take your silence as a collective nod.

For a moment let’s try to forget HOW the text came in while I’m in airplane mode. Because that is a big mystery to me and to everyone else I asked. For those that don’t remember that far back, my boss had warned me to stay away from Mexico because of some “travel advisory,” deeming it “unsafe to travel.” Well, I throw caution to the wind today, my friends. I am risking my own personal safety and well-being for some drinking on the beach. Alone. Oh yeah, I am totally going for broke here.

The last time I came to Cozumel was on the Independence last December. I had picked the Cozumel Bar Hop, which is another recommended independent excursion. That is a $60 bus ride to the opposite side of the island, where electricity and tourists are lacking. The bus takes you to four bars. The price includes transportation and a tiny sample cup of each bar’s signature drink. The rest is up to you and your wallet. Want a whole drink? Costs extra. Want lunch? Costs extra. Want tiny fish to eat the dead skin on your feet? Costs extra. At the first stop, I liked the tiny sample of Mayan Sacrifice so much that I bought the regular size. I sat alone in the open-air bar and enjoyed the weather. That side of the island is the windy side. Beaches aren’t really safe because of the massive waves. There was a little cove area that was safe to swim in, and a few of our bar hop mates went swimming. We had like 45 minutes at each bar.

Cuz I like Mayan Sacrifices...







...and my hot, puffy feet in the sand

The next bar was on the coast, but so high up that we were well above the shore. No swimming here, unless you like diving off of rocky cliffs into certain death, but this was the recommended place to eat, and the fish tacos were excellent. Here, a young couple asked to sit with me and have lunch. We chatted a bit. They were from a Carnival cruise. At our designated time, we piled back on the bus for the next stop.

The third stop was a bar that was back on the shore, but the bar went right up to the water. You step down the back stairs and you’re literally in the sea. It was very cool. A handsome couple from the Independence asked to sit with me. Extremely nice people. They were newlyweds. The man even – check this out – offered to buy me a drink. Probably the one and only time that cruise.

Being serenaded at Cozumel Bar Hop #3 (the dude on the left is who bought me my one and only drink)

The final stop was a bar that was on the beach. They had tables set out on the sand. I sat alone at first. Soon, couple after couple asked to sit with me. After awhile there were like nine of us, sitting around and talking while I answered the “You vacationed ALONE?” question to the group. One woman was thumbing at me while yelling at her friend at the other end of the beach, “SHE CAME ALONE. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?”

More Cozumel Bar Hop-ness

Anyway, I did enjoy the Cozumel Bar Hop. I thought it was worth the $60.

And then I read about Nachi Cocum (gesundheit!).

Nachi Cocum (bless you!) is an all-inclusive resort. The cost is $55, which includes lunch and ALL THE BOOZE I CAN DRINK. So, not only am I going to Mexico alone during a travel advisory, I am going to be under the influence of alcohol. I am so smart. S-M-R-T.

But more importantly, let’s look at the value. For $5 less than the Bar Hop, I can park my rear on the sand all day and get served, drink after drink. No samples here, folks. No extra cash needed. My wallet is safe. Well, except for the $20 stupid souvenir picture they convinced me to buy. Lord, I am such a tourist.

But before I get there, I am in the Windjammer in my high chair and having my usual crap WJ breakfast because Johnny Rockets doesn’t open until 8am and it was like 7:30 or something. Now that I am a “regular” at this WJ bar area, I get the same waiter every day, and he is getting to know me. After a day or two, he starts bringing me decaf coffee and cream packets. This would totally make my morning, too. I just love the Royal Caribbean staff. The WJ breakfast, not so much.

I meet a lot of folks at that bar, too. Some newbies, some newlyweds. This morning, the man two seats down from me strikes up a conversation. At first I just answer him politely because I wasn’t in a chatty mood. But after a few exchanges, I am getting to like his company. He too is a solo passenger, but on the ship with friends. He is about the hit the Flowrider, as that is his main area of interest on the cruise, and he doesn’t think he’ll get off the ship at all. I tell him that I have an excursion, but I was in no hurry since they didn’t open until 9am. So we chat for awhile. He introduces himself. Let’s call him “Richard.”

Eventually I look down at my watch and tell Richard that I enjoyed our conversation, but it was time to head out. I walk back to the cabin and get myself ready. Around 9:30 I skip off the boat and walk to the taxi stop. Of course, it isn’t that simple, is it? In Cozumel, you have to walk through miles of shops just to get to the street, avoiding eye contact, grabbing your rear, and announcing your bowel habits to countless shopkeepers who try to entice you. It’s fun because you know you have to walk through all that on your way back to the ship, too. And they are a lot more aggressive when you’re returning at the end of the day. So your acting has to be REALLY convincing. Shouting “Montezuma’s revenge!” can be effective here. But I don’t know how to say that in Spanish. El Revengo del Montezuma!

I get in the taxi with a driver who won’t exchange any pleasantries with me. I tell him where I am headed. As he drives off I remember the text warning from my boss. Now I am thinking about the movie Hostel, where vulnerable people are taken in foreign countries and are experimented on. Like…eyeballs removed and hands sewn onto armpits and stuff like that. Literally no one back home knows that I’m here or where I’m going and I am totally trusting this humorless guy to take me where he said he would. Seriously not the smartest move on my part. While we’re on our way and I am chewing my fingernails down to nubs, I happen to look at the clock on his dash and it says:

8:34

[smacks forehead]

I forgot that Cozumel is in Central time. NOW what? Stand around the gates at Nachi Cocum [gesundheit!] and wait by myself for them to open? Wow, this is sounding dumber and dumberer. I really wasn’t thinking this one through. Maybe I should be standing there naked with a meatloaf and pickle sandwich and a giant I’M AMERICAN AND ALONE sign in both English and Spanish. Not sure why I should be eating a meatloaf and pickle sandwich, though. That was oddly specific.

Fortunately, Giggles drops me off and I am pleasantly greeted at the gate by a young woman right away. I apologize up and down, saying “I forgot about the time change!” but she gives me a dismissive wave and tells me no worries, I am welcome to enter and there is no reason to get naked with a sandwich. I cannot be served until 9am, but they can get me a lounge chair. But FIRST…

…the hokey souvenir photo.

[My 10yo saw this photo and said that I look drunk. Another reason I leave him at home.]

Then they want their money. You only pay a deposit online when booking. But after paying the balance, THEN a server named Carlos takes you to your lounge chair. Then he apologizes about not being able to serve you until 9am, even though I am the idiot who showed up a half an hour before they open. Seriously. These people are too nice.

Coming up: More Nachi Cochum stuff

I haven't sailed on a post-waterslide Freedom class ship, but was on Liberty in '12. She's very nice, and she carries the actual Voom satellite dish, so internet speeds were excellent compared to Navigator last December. I wrote a short review here:

 

https://boards.cruisecritic.com/showthread.php?t=2635737

 

We sailed out of Galveston because Belize was on my wife's bucket list and her time off window fit Liberty's itinerary. Plus I have an aunt and cousin in Houston, so bonus. For the double bonus we toured the Johnson Space Center. My wife lived near Cape Canaveral during Apollo so she got to see the place that made those missions happen.

I liked your quick review. Much more concise than mine, fo sho.

The air filter comment made me giggle.

Oh, we did Belize on the Independence out of Ft Lauderdale two years ago. Beautiful island, omg.

Thanks for coming back, hucifer. Now I'll always remember where I was when you reappeared.

Where was I, you didn't ask? About to board a flight to Houston Hobby to sail on Liberty that weekend.

So you just happen to be on CC right before your flight to Liberty? I'm glad you relate the two, ha ha. How was Liberty? That's the only one I haven't done in the Freedom class since she sails out of Galveston.

This is by far the best review I have read on CC. Makes me want to leave DH at the dock and solo cruise. Almost. Maybe not, he usually pays. I did cruise once without him. Went with my sister and her hubby. Not quite the same as solo cruising but loved doing things I wanted that he wouldn’t enjoy. Thanks for letting me live vicariously thru your journey.

Thank you for such an flattering compliment! That, along with Slugsta's post, has made my day so much better. :)

Cruising solo is incredibly empowering and stress-free. I love being on my own itinerary, being able to run to the next event (or run away from the next event...stupid Battle of the Sexes) without having to consider another person. This will all change in August, however, when I bring The Boy with me on the Oasis. It will be a completely different experience fo sho. At least no one will be asking me if I'll be getting any action this time.

I am afraid I am a 'reader', rather than a 'poster' as I am in speechless awe of Hucifer!

Looks like you're a poster now. :)

And your post made my day! Thank you!

Andrew, your sweet little Allie made my heart feel so full. I never heard of her condition, so I clicked on the link. God has truly blessed all of you with such a beautiful little girl. I just want to give your family a big hug.

As far as the suite...that's as close to seeing it as I'll ever get (unless I get that Sugar Daddy), so thank you for your review. After five inside cabins, I cannot fathom that kind of space or luxury. But I am willing to try!

Thank you for sending me to this report. :)

Have you learned about The Floss yet? :cool: Our 10 year old recently turned 11, and I know all the current dance moves. Nice Falls pic, from the Canadian side too. When you drove through London, Ontario you were in my proverbial backyard.

 

Not every one of my past cruises has a review, but here is a link to the one I was speaking of. https://boards.cruisecritic.com/showthread.php?t=1873787

I am only familiar with The Floss because of the guy I just dated (and dumped). My son does not bless me with those moves.

Patrick and I went to Niagara Falls the week of Easter this year. Had a wonderful trip. I absolutely love Canadian roads, nary a pothole in sight. I should have stopped by when we drove through, and subsequently thanked you for your country providing such a magnificent driving experience.

Any chance you guys going on the 5 Aug Oasis cruise? I know it's a long shot, but Patrick and I will be cruising then and I would love to meet your family! Plus, my kid would have someone to hang with BESIDES ME.

Rick, if you know that the pranks will be well-received, then I think it's a great idea. If I was the recipient of these gags, I would enjoy the creativity that went into it. I especially liked the excess water/electrical bills. But I do agree not to get the staff involved, as they are busy enough.

Just today, a coworker put a fake rat in his neighbor's cabinet. She squealed when she saw it, then laughed.

The "throwing lounge chairs off the side of the ship" was one of the funniest comments I read today.

If you expand my signature they are other live reviews, but the most special review was my first one. Alaska will be “Live” mid July.

I expanded your signature and your bottom reviews are no longer active links. So I clicked on "See all threads started by A&L_Ont" and it only goes as far back as 2011.

Can you post a link?

Thanks for this review. It was such a fun read. :) I will be cruising on Allure this fall as a solo traveler, and I thought this was truly helpful.

There's more to come! I am so happy that this was helpful for you. You will love the Allure and all she has to offer...including Robo. Mrowr.

...between the "I'll be right back, I have to poop", and the Caribbean Islands/Jackson 5 analogy, you have brightened an otherwise crappy morning :)

 

So glad you are back to finish this!

Glad to oblige. :p Hope your day gets better.

Glad to be back!

You may have turned her off with that word. We already know her feelings about math.

Right?

We’re so glad you’re back, Hucifer.

 

Signed, your loyal CC groupies

It's people like you that made it worth coming back for. Thank you!

Just an FYI - your thread has over 81K views and only 390 posts. That is one of the highest ratios on CC.

 

Biker, who is not sure how Hucifer feels about numbers.

It's all in the title. People see "confessions" and they're intrigued in what lurid tales I will spin. Much to their disappointment (and mine), there were honestly few confessions to speak of.

I feel that numbers are super important. And stuff.

You are welcome. I received a crystal Oasis block today. I always look for a first time cruiser or newlywed couple to gift it to, but if you were here it would be yours.

OMG! I would be so happy to receive it! Thank you for the sentiment. :)

I’m glad it worked out, but, man, people suck [emoji24] You can sit next to me anytime, hucifer!

And I would totally take you up on that, too.

The worst part was that no one was nice about it. I was far nicer when I was saving Popcorn Pete's seat.

Hucifer, thank you. I have been loving your review as well. The readers are happy that you returned, just don’t let them know that your are losing time reading mine. ;)

 

If you expand my signature they are other live reviews, but the most special review was my first one. Alaska will be “Live” mid July.

Glad you're still enjoying my TR. I will be sure to check out your other reviews! I can now log into CC from work if I use FireFox, but damn it's slow.

Oh, and I know all about dabbing. I have a (now) 11yo.

These are the kinds of things I could have shared with you in real time if I was on CC in March. :rolleyes:

I already know.

Dammit.

I am super late to this thread, as I just discovered it yesterday, but I enjoyed the snot out of it. Funny stuff, Andrew. Loved the Seinfeld reference you threw in there. I would love to follow your Alaskan report real-time and not miss all the fun that I apparently missed with this one.

You are one funny and entertaining lady. I had the breakfast dish this morning at Johnny Rockets. Got daring and added bacon with the eggs - outstanding!

Thank you, Royal Man. Glad I could encourage you to try JR for breakfast. Way tastier and less hectic than going to the Windjammer.

DAY 6, part 2: ROBO, MY PERSONAL ESCORT

After wasting an hour of television, I jump in the shower and get ready for dinner. I switch the No Moleste card to Moleste so that Julio can moleste my room again, which I’m sure he’s been checking his watch impatiently and waiting for the opportunity to do so.

Julio was here. Robo? Pfffffft. I wish.

No notes on dinner, so neither the food nor the company stand out. Maybe it was Italian night, with the napkin-waving and O Solo Mio silliness. Maybe it was the parade of wait staff night. Or maybe it was lobster night.

Speaking of which, let’s talk about that lobster tail for a second, people.

[pulls up chair]

First of all, they try to disguise it on the menu by calling it “Fisherman’s Wharf Plate of Stuff” or something like that. Second of all, I really wish I had taken a picture of this thing they call a “lobster tail” because no one would believe me when I try to describe how tiny it is. Gerry puts the plate down and I say, “I’m sorry, Gerry, but I ordered the lobster.” He nods and points at the plate. “That’s it.” And I stare at my plate in horror. This meal should come with an apology. I was waiting for Ashton Kutcher to jump out with a camera crew and tell me I was punk’d. I imagine in lobster school, this little guy was called “shrimp” by his peers and then he would sneer back and say in his high, squeaky lobster voice, “Real original, guys.” If a fly landed on it, it would cover the entire tail. I considered swaddling and breastfeeding it. I almost sent it back to the kitchen and told them to give it nine more months to grow before it could graduate to appetizer status.

[hidden around the corner] Waiter: Psst…Juan. Guess what day it is? Guess! Guess!

Juan: Is it lobster night already?

Other waiter: Watch that big guy in the yellow shirt. He’s about to get served.

[Juan snorts] This is my favorite part.

[pause]

[sudden laughing fit]

Juan: It never gets old.

After my lobster bite, I wander back out to the Promenade. Brasil ‘17 is playing above the crowd. It’s wonderful that everyone gets to hear them out here. I grab a chair from Sorrentos and plop down. Their music sounds extra good tonight and I feel so happy. It is formal night, and folks are scurrying to and fro in beautiful clothes. I know bringing extra clothes and dressing up can be a pain, but I enjoy seeing so many men dressed up in suits and tuxes. I love the formality of it all; feels extra special. Like a real traditional cruise. Marry that up with a little jazz and I am in heaven.

I'm sure the men won't find the band. Like a Where's Waldo photograph.

Three very nice looking men stop directly in front of me to watch the band. I tap one on the arm and say, “Not that I’m not enjoying the view, but I can’t see the band.” They look down at me. Two of them apologize, as it’s clear that they had not seen me sitting there. But one gets snarky and says there was no reason to be sarcastic. I said, “No sarcasm. I really meant it that I appreciate the view.” The one that I had tapped flashes me a gorgeous smile and gives me a wink before they move on. Too bad they play for the other team.

[sigh]

Brasil ‘17 finishes up and encourages everyone to hear their set at Jazz on 4 the following evening. Pfffft. Like I needed to be encouraged. I want to jump up and shout, “Remember me? I’m your groupie!”

I wander up to Central Park. There is a solo guitarist playing. Next to him is a big jar that says Tips. Now, let’s think about this people. We are on a cruise ship. Where our Sea Pass is used for currency. I don’t know about you guys, but I don’t carry cash around the ship and I’m pretty sure I’m not going to put my Sea Pass in his jar. So…if this guy wants tips, I can write “Don’t eat yellow snow” or “Avoid pesky salespeople by telling them you have to poop” on a stickie and drop it in.

Plays for tips. Or not.

I walk to the other side of the park, sit on a bench, and listen to the music that I didn’t contribute to monetarily. His guitar music is very nice and gives the park a peaceful ambience. The pathway is still wet from the rain we had all day. There I see the tiniest little toad hopping across the pathway and into the greenery. That’s right. A toad. ADORABLE. And if there is one tiny toad by the bench, that means somewhere around here there are MORE. So Central Park really does have its own eco system. How awesome is THAT? Can I love this ship any more than I already do?

It’s almost time for the comedy show, so I walk back through Central Park, pointing and snorting at the tip jar as I walk past the guitarist.

There is a line in front of the comedy club, which I assume is the line for folks who have reservations. So, like the idiot I am, I go to the back and wait. And then I see him walking up to the line. It’s HIM.

Robo.

[Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warne’s “Up Where We Belong” starts. Robo suddenly catches my eye and realizes it’s me. He drops his clipboard and runs into my arms in slow motion. The people in line simultaneously applaud and cheer as Robo and I lock into a passionate embrace, then he lifts me off of my feet and carries me off to my interior2 cabin.]

There he is, in all his sexy glory. With his clipboard. But no sunglasses. Grandpa Yates use to say there are only two kinds of people who wear sunglasses indoors: blind people and @$$holes. Then he would nod his shiny bald head and stroke his pedophile moustache while he contemplated more nuggets of wisdom like, “Readers are leaders,” and “Never loofah your privates.” He was always so colorful with his words, God bless him. But I digress.

Robo walks to the standby line and says, “Just a few more minutes, folks. There should be room for everyone.”

“This is the STAND-BY line?” I ask, disdain thick in my voice. “Oh, for the love of Popcorn Pete.”

Robo finally notices me. “Well yes, it is,” he coos. Maybe he cooed. I don’t know. But I am doing everything I can to keep it together now that I have his attention. “Do you have reservations?”

“Yes,” I say, voice thick with lust.

“Well then, follow me.”

“Anywhere,” I say. Yes, I really said that. No shame here. With a sexy personal escort on my arm, a sense of superiority overcomes me, and I sneer at all the standby people in line as I pass them to the entrance of the club. I feel like Taylor Swift on Justin Timberlake’s arm, walking down the red carpet on Oscar night as we pass all the commoners on the sidelines. Considering I have an interior2 cabin, this is pretty much my only opportunity to feel superior to anyone.

Knowing this is my opportunity to lay it on thick, I flirt with Robo like he and I are the last two people on the cruise ship. He scans my Sea Pass and tells me to sit anywhere. I want to tell him that I choose his lap, but discretion took over. I did tell him that he is still hot and I give him my best Hucifer smile. I am feeling a lot braver than I did on Day 2. I can’t tell if he remembers me but he gives me ample attention and flirts back quite a bit before heading back out of the club to assist the commoners in line. I’m trying to convince myself it’s not just because he has to be nice to the passengers. Even the old, smelly rejects like myself. Wait.

[sniffs armpits]

Yep. Still applicable.

Robo is the host for the comedy show. He says a few things that I really can’t hear over the blood in my ears, and then the first act comes on. This first guy is almost all improvisational and does a fantastic job. He picks on an old man in an outrageous outfit and we all laugh at the old man’s expense. Good times. He also picked on couples were freshly dating on the cruise. “What’s there to look forward to after a CRUISE?” He asks.

The second guy…well, he had me laughing too. One part that stuck out was when he makes the gestures that he was pleasuring himself while listening to his neighbors in their cabin. Crude? Oh yeah. Right up my alley. I approve.

Robo makes my special spot all tingly

So far, Allure has been a real win with the entertainment. Well above all of the other cruises I’ve taken.

And then I decide to watch the Battle of the Sexes Game Show.

[cringes]

This is a sour memory for me, folks. One that I don’t like to talk about. But since I know you’re dying to hear all about it, I will pacify my faithful readership. All four of you. Or three. Math is hard.

Let’s start with the fact that I show up early to Dazzles, as usual and I go to my regular area to sit, which is next to the stage. Keep in mind that I am alone, so I only need one seat. There are several empty seats, at least six, but every time I approach an open chair, I am turned away.

“Sorry, that’s taken.”

“Nope, they just went to get drinks.”

“Don’t even think about it.”

I feel like a high school nerd holding a tray of food and trying to eat with the cool kids in the cafeteria. I half-expected them to trip me on the way out and then laugh as my food and glasses go flying out in front of me. Not that I wear glasses. Or was carrying food. But you get the idea.

It ends up being a blessing in disguise. I take my social reject self to one of the back areas to sit. Apparently this event is more popular than the last few I had attended at this venue. When the show starts, they ask for an even number of men and women volunteers to come on stage. Then they ask the men and women to make their own circle, and encouraged everyone else in the venue to fill in either one. Whoever had more was the winner. I did not participate and I was glad that women weren’t trying to drag me up there. The women win and the bar folks go back to their seats. This is a stupid game so far, but whatever. I’ll keep watching.

The cruise director staff girl then tells the volunteers that they have to carry a keychain across the stage and drop it into a bowl. She demonstrates by walking to the bowl and throwing the keychain in. “Aww, but that’s too easy,” the girl says. “You can’t use your hands or mouth. You have to use…”

[dramatic pause for effect]

“…your buttcheeks.”

This is when I get up out of my chair and walk straight out of Dazzles. I am no prude. I can tell jokes that would make a sailor blush. But apparently I have a threshold that even I didn’t know about until that moment. I am so grateful that I am sitting in the back and next to the exit.

I walk straight to my interior2 cabin [patooey!], Robo-free (dammit), and go to bed.

Coming up:

DAY 6: FIVE EASY STEPS TO BECOMING A MURDER TARGET

I don’t know what that breakfast dish from Johnny Rockets is called but I am making a special trip there this week to give it a try.

It was really good, and beat the pants out of any breakfast that Windjammer has ever offered me.

Order them with half the potato and twice the veg. The fried egg is a nice touch.

Ooh, good idea!

Because I’m anonymous on these boards I can freely admit I LOVE ABBA and really enjoyed Mama Mia. And given that I’m a classically trained soprano who will be on the Allure next month I thank you so much for letting me know about the choir. I think it is a tough call: Am I looking more forward to the choir or the cocktails?

No shame in loving Abba or Mama Mia. Dancing Queen is kind of a classic.

You'll enjoy the choir! I am a non-classically trained alto, myself. Why not blend choir and cocktails?

Perhaps, but I think the CC crowd is looking for the next story installment.

We are waiting breathlessly [emoji106][emoji106]❤️❤️

Oh good, I still have readers! I was beginning to wonder...

Was busy with the boy this evening and plan to post tomorrow.

Its the hair.....

Admittedly, I am envious of it.

Robyn, I am a little late to the thread, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. And you are adorable, so thanks for providing us with a visual. :p

Depends on who's watching.:cool:

Please please please be Robo

[crosses fingers]

You never know who might be watching. ;)

Certainly not my mom.

Should I be creeped out or flattered?

DAY 5, part 1: BETTER THAN JESUS ON A CRACKER

“When you're a fat guy you don't need a reason to sweat. Guys come up to me and go ‘Jeez, what have you been doing, jumping rope or something?’ ‘Umm, no... I peeled an orange about an hour ago, why?’"

-- Kevin James

I throw caution to the wind and decide to try Johnny Rockets for breakfast. Look. I like the Windjammer for lunch most of the time. That first meal on the ship was awesome. But their breakfast? Awful. It is the same. Damn. Thing. Every. Day. And. Every. Cruise. It’s the Groundhog Day of breakfasts. Oh look…fried eggs, greasy hash browns, and bacon again. Day after day. I have been to Disney World more times than I have done cruises, and I have enjoyed many wonderful breakfast buffets there, so I know that a variety of hot breakfast dishes are out there. But Royal’s breakfast buffet blows. Completely unimaginative and repetitive.

Johnny Rockets doesn’t offer a huge list of choices on their (free!) breakfast menu. But I order this potato and veggie thing with some eggs thrown on top and guess what? It was delicious! Much better than the Windjammer. And also, I really like the free part. And also, I really like that the place was deserted at the time I went, knowing full well that the Windjammer would be jammed, as it always is. Probably why it is named that way.

Behold the meal that kicked Windjammer's breakfast @ss

Not only is the JR breakfast better, but the view is better. The Beast is so beautiful, inside and out, and right now I’m not really sure if I am inside or out. But no matter. It’s a lovely space to eat in. The woman behind me is Virginia and she is eating alone. We strike up a conversation. She asks what I am doing on this fine sea day and I tell her I don’t know.

And a merry wienerschnitzel to you, too.

I love sea days. I love them more than port days, which is why cruise itinerary means little to me. This may sound sacrilegious, but Caribbean islands are not so different from each other. Not that I don’t love them, but Western vs. Southern vs. Eastern…all the same to me. Like the Jackson brothers. Outside of Michael, you can’t identify Tito from Jermaine from Marlon from LaToya. You adore/tolerate/scorn them all and their weirdness, but you just can’t tell them apart. So just give me sea days and a sprinkle in a few tropical beaches. And maybe a Tito or two.

So Virginia says that she has choir at 10. I tell her that I had no idea that there was a choir on The Beast. She says, “It’s been in the Compass. Today is the second day out of three. You’re welcome to come. The musical director from Mama Mia teaches it.” Not one to deny the world of my extraordinarily gifted pipes, I tell her that I may show up.

But let’s go back to her “It’s been in the Compass” comment. Today is the second day of being offered, and the second day that I missed seeing it. That damn Compass for The Beast is SO PACKED WITH ACTIVITIES that stuff like this is very, very easy to overlook. Like the water show last night. And I read every Compass that Julio puts on my bed.

Even with a calendar packed full of things I miss, I look up at the zipline and rock climbing wall and think…today. I am going to finally try these things. Earlier in the week I was walking on the Boardwalk and hear a “ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz!” from above. I look up and see a zipliner whizzing by. Now, I have been ziplining on Kauai, so I know the two won’t compare. But still. I should do it, right? And the rock climbing wall. I have never done that, even with all the Royal cruises I’ve been on. Today is the day I try that too. Maybe.

I show up at Jazz on 4 for choir practice at 10am. Virginia gives me a wink when she comes in. Linda, the musical director, introduces herself and welcomes me to the group. She has this uncanny ability to remember everyone’s name. We are given songs and lyrics and I must admit that Linda worked miracles in an hour. She even broke us up into two parts. We sounded very good. Virginia stood behind me and WOW did she have an amazing voice. At the end of the hour, Linda tells us that we practice for one more hour on the last sea day, and immediately afterwards will be the concert. She encourages us to bring our friends and family.

[on the phone] “Mom? Can you come to the Allure in two days? I’m in a choir and we’re performing for loved ones. About fifteen minutes. No, you can’t stay on the ship. What? No? What kind a mom are you?”

Looks like I’ll be performing for no one.

After choir, there is little happening around the ship that warrants my attention. It is another rainy day, which is threatening the International Belly Flop contest. I meander around the ship like a lost puppy and wait for opportunity to jump out at me. Nothing did, so I find myself climbing the bazillion steps up to the Windjammer for a little lunch.

I walk in, rub my hands in Purell, grab a silverware/napkinroll, and head to my usual spot. Then I see something that makes me stop dead in my tracks. Empty tables by the windows. ARE YOU READING THIS PEOPLE? EMPTY TABLES BY THE WINDOWS. This is like catching a unicorn. Or discovering Hoffa’s body. Like, this stuff doesn’t just happen. I sprint for the table and fling my body on top of it before anyone else can claim it. But I still have to get food, so I put my silverware/napkin roll and Compass on it and pray they will still be there when I return. I don’t want to have to go all primeval on anyone if they take my coveted spot.

Now that I have a plate full of food and prime real estate to eat it in, I sit down in my four-person table and eat. That’s right. I am hoarding a table for four, and there’s only one of me. I believe that after eating in a high chair all week, I am justified for one day to pamper myself. Too bad the weather isn’t lovely to stare at. And even as the Windjammer starts filling up and I am long finished with my meal, I don’t move. I am feeling super selfish today. Plus, I want to pet the pretty unicorn/Hoffa corpse just a little while longer before it disappears forever, back into obscurity.

[bares teeth and growls at people eyeing my table]

Holy crap, that's a lot of food.

Once I feel that I have adequately obtained my money’s worth from that spot, I get up and relinquish it to the starving family of four who had been waiting an hour for my table, holding their cold plates of carved roast beast and French fries and staring at me with pleading, watery eyes.

The International Belly Flop contest is cancelled because of weather. Well, there went my big plans for the day. Guess the only other thing left to do is nap. Hope Julio is done cleaning my cabin. I bet he was super happy to do it too. Seriously the happiest cabin steward ever. I stick the No Moleste card in the card holder and throw myself onto the bed. All this eating is exhausting.

After an hour’s nap, I am groggy and need to wake up slowly. I turn on the TV. Now, I travel a lot, both for work and pleasure. Back in 2016 I was gone for sixteen weeks for work alone, and there were many weeks I was away to Florida or Colorado or the Caribbean for pleasure. And when I am away I rarely turn on the TV. There is too much food to eat or too many people to hang out with. I listen to music a lot in my room, but there have been countless trips when I never even touched the remote.

So I turn on the TV, which is weird for me, and I skip around the channels while I shake off the grogginess. Then I catch the cruise director show. Jimmie, the cruise director, and Grant, the activities manager are chatting away about The Beast’s activities and news. Who knew they had their own show? Okay, you can all put your hands down. Obviously I didn’t. They banter back and forth for awhile. At the end, they read viewer shout-outs. Which gives me an idea.

[evil grin]

Coming up: Day 5 part 2: ROBO, MY PERSONAL ESCORT