Would you want to know?

[bonniemari]

I just can't imagine in any situtation not being with my mother/father if one of them passed away. I would move heaven and earth no matter what it cost to be there for the surviving parent and my sisters.

 

My MIL is 90 and my DH is an only child. We would come home immediately if something happened to her. No we can't help her, but she has grandchildren and great grandchildren that would need us to be there.

 

I understand everyone's situation is different. Doesn't make mine right or the OP's wrong. It's just what I would do if I was in this situation.

[loubetti]

In cases like this, and as stated above, a lot can happen in 4 months. Otherwise, I would respect your husband's decision. What happens if one of them passes away the day before you leave? Plan for that also. Have a plan and stick to it.

 

Hopefully his parents enjoyed full, long lives. So should you and your husband.

 

Let your husband call the shots when it comes to this, and support his decision.

[yogimax]

Too many unknowns to even try to give a rational answer. Just two...

 

Will there be feelings of guilt?

 

What about other family members? Does your husband have siblings? If so, have you spoken with them?

[jonathansburden]

It's 100% up to your husband, since it's his parents. But if it were my parents I'd want to be notified immediately. I know there's nothing that can be done for the parent that has passed on, but the parent who's still alive is going to need all the love and support they can get. Even if it's just by phone until you can get home.

[ObstructedView2]

Good morning all.

 

Here is my problem...we leave for Long Beach in 4 months for a 15 day cruise to Hawaii and an additional 3 days pre-cruise and 7 days post cruise in California.

 

Both of my husbands elderly parents are in a nursing home and not doing very well. We always leave an emergency phone number with our family members.....

 

We are sooo torn about what to do if something should happen to one of them. We are going to be gone for almost one month and my husband wants to instruct his family NOT to notify us if one should pass away.

His thinking is..."What can we do about it? If we find out while on the ship or in Hawaii, it will just ruin our vacation because it would be almost impossible to get home"

 

I am on the fence. If it were my parents, I don't think I could live with myself being on vacation and not at least trying to get home.

 

Any suggestions or opinions?

 

PS. We live on the East Coast, so yes, we would be very far away and it would be very costly trying to get home.

 

 

 

They are being cremated. When and if anything should happen while we are gone, the funeral would be held until we returned.

 

In this particular case, there is clearly no need to know.

Have a safe, wonderful cruise!

[susie8862]

What amazing and thoughtful ideas everyone had.

 

Just wanted to add...neither one of them is terminal...as someone has asked...just old, feeble and helpless.

 

Of course....when we arrive back to Long Beach...we will call home to see how everything is to find out if we should head home or continue our trip up to San Fran.

 

Yes, other relatives will be there to care for them...(husband is the executor) and he has all papers signed.

 

A couple of you suggested the "family dinner" before we leave. I love this idea...

 

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of the input...:o

[5waldos]

... Have a plan and stick to it.....

 

The only problem with this is that you really don't know how you are going to respond until it happens. So sticking to a plan conceived at another time may or may not be right for you should something happen.

[Jasonmom]

There is no best answer to this situation...... only personal answers.

 

I met a lady on the next to last day of a 17 day cruise whose husband died the 3rd day of the cruise. They had promised each other that if one died the other would finish the trip. They were both in mid 90s. It was amazing to talk to this wonderful lady who had honored her husband's wishes.

[Jenna1983]

My grandma is 89 and in relatively excellent health. She's said that if anything were to happen we should continue on with our trip and deal with it when we get home. Unfortunately, my mother has three Sibilings who are after money and she often says they'll wait a week to call her even if we are three hours away (she's joking half-heartedly bc we talk to her daily).

[Doug910]

...Susie, know that you and your family are, by far, not the only folks in this position.

 

...My Dad has very bad kidneys and was just informed that his liver is now failing at a rapid pace. With his personality, he wanted the doctor to be honest with him and tell him how long he has. Doctor told him it could be four months, eight months, two years... there was no way to know for sure.

 

...We have a six day Breeze trip planned for January. After cruising many years with our daughters, we finally have a trip planned for just the two of us. As of right now, we have every intention of taking that cruise, as I know that he would want me to go. That being said, I'm really not sure what I would do if I got "that phone call" a day or two before we were ready to leave.

[susie8862]

My prayers are with you and your family Doug. I hope you and your wife have an amazing time. I am sure he would want it that way.

[Danacat222]

Hard to get home, and costly to get home are two different things.

 

The only hard part is if it happens during the 4 to 5 days of crossing each way. Hate to be morbid, but the deceased can be put on ice while you make your way home.

 

And no, my personal time is not more important than my family. People would be making their way to support the living, and the living is off having a grand old time.

 

"What can you do about it" shouldn't even be a question.

 

 

It's called "cold storage", not being put on ice. i work in a nursing home and most do not have to capacity to have a deceased person remain in the facility for more than 6-8 hours.

 

To the original poster, i am sure funeral arrangements have been made and that the nursing home knows what funeral home will be called to claim the remains, this is usually standard practice for nursing home admissions to ask what the preference is and if arrangements have been made so that it is on the face sheet in the chart. If nothing is yet in place, please make sure that they are in place before you leave and get clarification from the funeral home just how long they can maintain the cold storage if funeral plans must be delayed in your absence. Make sure the nursing home is made aware of your intentions and who to call if you are not available, as that situation can be very stressful on care providers. I am sure you know all of that however i work in the admissions department and am often amazed that plans have not been made or considered. I get a lot of "We have not thought about it" or "we have not decided." I have had worse responses too, but i wont go there.

[miched]

Our first cruise was a 21 day repositioning cruise tour off Hawaii. My mother was in a assisted care facility. Before we left I made arrangements with everyone that I could think of in case she died while we were gone. Half way thru the trip she died. Didn't know until we got back home. She was kept on ice until we got back. There were a lot of messages on my voice mail from the funeral director that I had made the arrangements with and telling him how long we would be gone. I asked why he left 5 to 10 messages a day when I told him the time period. Each message was in a very hostile voice that I needed to call him because my mother died. He said by the law he had to. Before we left I told him the situation and he said not to worry and he would handle it until we got back if need be. There were no other options that I would have considered. To disrupt the cruise to get back would not have been feasible. My phone was off from the time we got on the flight to Hawaii until we got back home. Even today when we go on a cruise there is no use of phones or email checking. I learned that you cannot live your trying to schedule around things that are out of your control.

 

Other than that there was no problems or issues.

 

Enjoy your cruise.

[SMSACE6]

I would not be planning such a long vacation at this time.

 

but sometimes folks in nursing homes can linger on for years and years. It is not right that family should wait years and years to have a vacation. Im in not quite so dire a position right now, but with elderly and ailing parents, I have chosen to postpone a cruise or any vacation longer away from home than 3 or 4 days. I have made my choice not travel long distance, but it is taking it's toll on me too. I can sort of understand both sides of this situation. Just saying it could be years before they travel if they just sit around anticipating what might or might not be imminent.

[imnance]

They are being cremated. When and if anything should happen while we are gone, the funeral would be held until we returned.

 

There you go.

 

If this is the case, then your husband's wishes should be respected.

 

 

Speaking as a parent, if my children had a vacation planned for 2 years and something happened to me, I'd be TICKED if anyone ruined my child's long awaited vacation.

[ronandannette]

 

Would travel insurance pay for them to get home if a immediate family member died?

 

Yes, a comprehensive policy would. My elderly very dear mother is in a similar condition and the last cruise I took and the next one I'm taking was/will be fully covered for this reason only (never bought this kind of policy before). We could not even consider not being notified.

 

OTOH, my brother and all his children, grand-children and greatgrandchildren spent 3 weeks in Mexico this spring and made it clear they would not be interrupting their trip in any case. Those of us at home would have respected that, but still would have notified them if the loss had occurred.

[Spring1onu]

Every person and family has a different sense of what should happen upon a death of a loved one. I understand your husband's decision, since ultimately what you do and how you feel while you are on the cruise, does not change anything for the elderly parents.

 

Some would try to rush home to be by their parents bedside. Others wouldn't. It is really tough decision to make, but your husband made it. There isn't a wrong answer to this question.

 

We have a couple of elderly parents ourselves, and could be in this situation at any moment, so I completely understand where you're coming from. My mother in law would kick my butt if she thought we would leave a long planned trip to get back to her.

 

Agreed. It's incredibly difficult. My father was in a nursing home for yrs and he and something happening to him were always at the forefront of my mind with anything I was doing. Many times I just declined to participate in whatever because I would have felt so guilty for not being there if something had happened.

 

11 days after we were married and on our honeymoon, my father passed away. Even though my mom had our contact info at the resort in Mexico, she told me when I called her that she didn't want to upset me or hamper the remainder of our honeymoon....that there was nothing I could do since I was in another country. She was right.

 

I can see both sides of the coin. I would likely opt not to know. Hoping nothing happens to your in-laws & you have an uneventful, but amazing cruise, OP.

[bplazo]

Very tough decision.

[snorkelgirlca]

I understand your husband as I too have an 93 year old mother who lives in assisted living . My husband and I have been on two cruises one in the Med since I had to make that decision to place Mom in the facility last year. She also has dementia so I have a power of atty. I am leaving again in two weeks for Mexican Rivera with my son. Mom is in the last stages of cardiac disease as well and was falling roughly once every two months

 

My dh asked me in April is I wanted to cancel our two week Carib trip due to another trip to the er with mom. After thinking about it for two days I choose to go but told my adult children not to call me if she died. Was it a hard decision? Absolutely but like most of the posters have said it is the decision only the surviving "adult child" can make cause they have to live with their actions.

 

Perhaps like my husband did,the best you can do for your dh is to accept his decision and not dwell on what could happen while you are gone. The hardest thing about having to watch an elderly parent linger on is the dread that you could/should done different when most of eventually have to remember that some things are beyond our control.

 

I am not canceling my upcoming trip on the splendor even if she passes in the next few weeks because one thing I have learned in the last 18 months of this experience that I can't be any help to her if I don't take care of myself, and part of that is to remember that I need to make tome for my needs too.

[deborahjo]

We can only offer suggestions here. Your husband and you are the only ones that can make that decision.

 

My parents are in their late 80's. I cruise in 3 months. My family will know when I leave and what ship I will be on. That way if something happens they know how to reach me if necessary.

[blondietink]

Years ago my parent had planned a dream trip to Hawaii for their anniversary. They gave me Power of Attorney in case one of my grandparents died while they were away. I was to contact the funeral home with their instructions to have the funeral when they got back. I was not to call them. Nothing happened while they were gone. My grandparents at that point were both suffering from dementia and had no idea who we were when we visited.

 

Recently a friend of mine had a vaction to an all-inclusive resort with his children to Costa Rica. The first day of his vacation his father died suddenly of a heart attack. His mother forbid anybody to call him in Costa Rica as she wanted them to enjoy their vacation. The funeral was held after he returned.

[Pauser]

We actually had a very similar experience a couple of years ago. My DH's grandfather passed away. We were in St. Kitts when we found out that he had passed the night before and the funeral was the next day (due to religious reasons). There was simply no way for us to get back in time. It ruined the rest of our vacation. I wish they hadn't told us since there was nothing we could possibly do until we got home.

[Gloria Mundi]

Another voice here saying to respect your husband's wishes. I have one son, whom I love dearly, and if I got to the point that I could die next week but might last another 6 months I wouldn't want him postponing vacations or, heaven forbid, interrupting a well-deserved vacation and running up huge expenses to cancel it or fly home early. What matters is how you show your love when your parents are alive.

 

And I suspect that my parents who are in their early 80s but still independent, would say the same thing. We're very practical people.

[mdwcruises]

If they were my parents I would prepare for the scenario before I leave and have an arrangement ready in case it happened. If it did happen, I would want to know.

 

If they were my future husband's parents, I'd respect his decision.

[RMM34667]

Would I want to know??

 

Circumstantial...

 

If it was unexpected, yes, by all means call me on the ship so I can get home to help out... I think an unexpected death is tougher on the living...

 

But a death which is expected and a long time coming... There is time to prepare and come to grips with the inevitable... In that case, I would be comfortable with finding out upon my return...

 

After having just gone through this I don't think it's any easier knowing. My dad was given 2-3 months and lived four. Instead of just grieving when it happens, it was like grieving the four months leading up to it and then more when he passed.

 

I booked by 50th bday cruise on my 49th. I cancelled just before final payment. My dad died the day before my birthday and the day of the cruise.

 

But if OP's inlaws are not terminal then you can't live your life just waiting for it to happen. You have to LIVE. But personally I would want to know.