“So a Penguin, a Horse and Polar Bear walk into a bar on the Edge...

[alibaba1]

[alibaba1]

Husband finishes reading the book 'Be The Man Of Your House' and says to his wife, 'From now on my word is Law. YOU will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight with a sumptuous dessert. Afterwards we will have the kind of sex that I want. YOU will bathe me as I relax, towel me dry then massage my feet and back. Then tomorrow guess who will dress me and comb my hair?' His wife responds, 'My first guess would be the funeral director.'

[alibaba1]

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracey asked him if there was anything wrong.

'Yes, Nurse Tracey,' said Mr.. Wallace, 'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy,she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace.

Please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall

with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas

He met Nurse Tracey. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said,

'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.

Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracey I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace.

'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.'

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracey, 'you did tell me that,

but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

(You've gotta love this...)

'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

[tallyho8]

[alibaba1]

[sailing canary]

On 7/26/2021 at 3:21 PM, alibaba1 said:

Prince Charles was driving around his mother’s estate when he accidentally ran over her favourite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a pulp.

He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught.

The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic.

Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground.

He dug it up, polished it and immediately a Genie appeared.

"You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment, " said the Genie"

As a reward I shall grant you one wish."

"Well, " said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog."

They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog.

"Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me..?" the Prince asked.

The Genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head.

"This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life.

Is there something else you would like..?"

The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos.

"I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana, " said Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo.

"But now I love this woman called Camilla, " and he showed the genie the second photo.

"You see Camilla isn’t beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana..?"

The Genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "Let’s have another look at that dog" !!

This is NOT funny.

[goofysmom99]

Oops

 

Edited July 28, 2021 by goofysmom99

[C-Dragons]

10 minutes ago, sailing canary said:

This is NOT funny.

I totally agree.

 

[goofysmom99]

[alibaba1]

[alibaba1]

[alibaba1]

[alibaba1]

[alibaba1]

[goofysmom99]

[centurycruiser]

[tallyho8]

A man walks into a nightclub one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent." "One Cent?", exclaimed the man. So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"
"Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real
money." "How much money?" inquires the man.
4 cents," the bartender replied."Four Cents?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender! replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."

[tallyho8]

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.
Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky,
"everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no I must die in peace, Becky I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"
"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky,
"just lie quietly and let the poison work."

[goofysmom99]

[generichandle]

A priest, a preacher, and a rabbit go into a bar. The rabbit says "hey, don't worry, I wouldn't be here at all except for auto-correct".

[tallyho8]

A guy walks into the local welfare office for his monthly check. He
marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi. You know, I just HATE coming in here drawing welfare month after month. I'd really much rather have a job".
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is
excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur-bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter."
"You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of
your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be
expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a
two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is
$200,000 a year."

The guy says, "You're bullsh***ing me!" The social worker says "Yeah, but you started it !!"

[tallyho8]

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."

The woman freed the frog.

The frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."

The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That will be okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered. "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them!

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good!

Male readers: Please scroll down.



The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart!

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show!

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

[tallyho8]

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.

Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!"

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor says.

The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!"

Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies, DeNephew.

[centurycruiser]

[C-Dragons]