“So a Penguin, a Horse and Polar Bear walk into a bar on the Edge...

[ilikeanswers]

15 minutes ago, K.T.B. said:

 

😂

[tallyho8]

One day Betty said, “Bertha, we both loved playing softball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favor: When you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s women’s softball there.”

Bertha looked up at Betty from her deathbed and said, “Betty, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.”

Shortly after that, Bertha passed on.

A few nights later, Betty was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, “Betty, Betty.”

“Who is it?” asked Betty, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”

“Betty — it’s me, Bertha.”

“You’re not Bertha. Bertha just died.”

“I’m telling you, it’s me, Bertha,” insisted the voice.

“Bertha! Where are you?”

“In heaven,” replied Bertha. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”

“Tell me the good news first,” said Betty.

“The good news,” Bertha said, “is that there’s women’s softball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here, too. Even better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always springtime and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.”

“That’s fantastic,” said Betty. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”

“You’re pitching Tuesday.”

[goofysmom99]

[Denny01]

[goofysmom99]

[K.T.B.]

[centurycruiser]

[alibaba1]

[alibaba1]

[alibaba1]

[alibaba1]

[alibaba1]

[K.T.B.]

[tallyho8]

Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a freaking cat!”

[alibaba1]

[tallyho8]

Bill and Bob were out hunting one day when Bob suddenly keels over. In a panic Bill dials 911 on his cell phone and cries out that his friend just dropped dead. A helpful and calming voice on the other end of the line says, "I can help, but first you must make sure that your friend is really dead." After a brief silence the operator hears a gun shot. Bill returns to the phone and says, "Now what?"

[flviking]

“A Roman walks into a bar.

“He holds up two fingers and says, ‘Five beers, please!’”

[goofysmom99]

GROANER ALERT (suitable for grandkids)

[centurycruiser]

16 hours ago, tallyho8 said:

Bill and Bob were out hunting one day when Bob suddenly keels over. In a panic Bill dials 911 on his cell phone and cries out that his friend just dropped dead. A helpful and calming voice on the other end of the line says, "I can help, but first you must make sure that your friend is really dead." After a brief silence the operator hears a gun shot. Bill returns to the phone and says, "Now what?"

Bill is dangerous.

 

Bill and Fred used to golf every Saturday morning. They would play a round and stop at the 19th hole for drinks and lunch before heading home usually arriving around 2pm

One Saturday Bill didn't get home until late evening. His wife told him she started to worry and asked what held him up. He said "Fred had a heart attack on the 5th hole and after that it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred...."

[K.T.B.]

[tallyho8]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand...

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly..

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

[goofysmom99]

[C-Dragons]

[K.T.B.]

[K.T.B.]