Wedding cruise isn't going as planned

[YubaSutter]

To the OP: if a friend asked you and your fiancé to attend their wedding on the east coast for up to 10 days and expected you to pay for your own travel, cruise, hotel, transfers, parking, etc. would you go?

[iheartbda]

OP, a belated welcome to Cruise Critic. Just an FYI, CC is a wealth of information provided by people who are very knowledgeable and truly want to help others.

 

That being said, one needs to develop a tough skin because answers can come across as mean, snarky or rude when not intentional. There are also some who are very "direct", to put it mildly, and their comments are intentional. Even though it's hard at times, one cannot take things so personally, you have to take the good with the bad.

 

Sometimes people don't like the responses they get since they don't support what they would like to hear. However, even the posters who came across as mean brought up a number of very valid points.

 

You have been given some good alternative plans but, IMO, the writing is on the wall and cruising out of Fla. is not going to work or a good idea.

 

I do hope that you find some way to celebrate your upcoming marriage.:)

[Sandy Sails]

I don't know if this will be helpful, but let me tell you what I did.

I met my husband on a Caribbean cruise so thought it would be fun to get married on a Caribbean cruise on the ship. Somebody on Cruise Critic pointed out that it wouldn't be very romantic on a ship with tons of people and kids running around. They suggested an all-inclusive resort on one of the islands.

I'd always wanted to get married barefoot on the beach at sunset. Negril is on the west coast of Jamaica and I found a cute all-inclusive that does weddings. They planned it all, provided it all. I just brought my dress.

We had decided not to invite family or friends because we knew it would be too expensive for them and we didn't want to burden them. At the resort we met alot of wonderful people. We ended up with 12 guests at our wedding from all over the world. They even took pictures and a video for us. It was perfection!

Then my family threw a reception for us when we got home. So they didn't really miss out on much. Weddings are more for the bride and groom. The reception is where the party is.

[SadieN]

OP, a belated welcome to Cruise Critic. Just an FYI, CC is a wealth of information provided by people who are very knowledgeable and truly want to help others.

 

 

That being said, one needs to develop a tough skin because answers can come across as mean, snarky or rude when not intentional. There are also some who are very "direct", to put it mildly, and their comments are intentional. Even though it's hard at times, one cannot take things so personally, you have to take the good with the bad.

 

 

 

Sometimes people don't like the responses they get since they don't support what they would like to hear. However, even the posters who came across as mean brought up a number of very valid points.

 

 

 

You have been given some good alternative plans but, IMO, the writing is on the wall and cruising out of Fla. is not going to work or a good idea.

 

 

 

I do hope that you find some way to celebrate your upcoming marriage.:)

 

 

So, basically, you're saying that CC is one big (sometimes happy) family. Some will placate, some will tell you you're nuts and others will tell you like it is, even others will give you alternatives. It's worse here because there are no inflections and it's easier to misunderstand a post's meaning.

Like all families we've learnt who we get along with.

Edited July 17, 2015 by SadieN

[legaljen1969]

I say it's your wedding, and you're entitled to do whatever you want. If it's really important that all your friends and family see you get married - then you won't be happy with a cruise wedding when only a few people are there. But otherwise, it's not your problem whether or not someone can afford your plans, no one is forcing them to come. To me, those wedding with 100+ people on the guest list are a preposterous waste of money anyway, where you feel like you're obligated to invite every cousin twice removed and every friend of a friend.

 

There's a possible other option. What about arranging for a cruise for the two of you out of SoCal port - where the wedding is on the ship the day of departure, your guests come aboard for the ceremony, and then they leave and you go on the cruise? That way, you keep the venue and food costs down to a very reasonable level and you don't have to entertain anyone, the whole ceremony and reception is done in a couple of hours. It will force you to cut down the guest list because there's a limit of how many people they will allow (I don't know exactly how many, you'd need to ask the cruise line).

 

And if you don't like your travel agent right now, ditch him/her and find someone that is on the same wavelength as you. No need to add another unnecessary stressor to your life!

 

People get so wrapped up in the planning. Do what will make your day special. I am with many of the others who have asked why you are planning a cruise out of Fort Lauderdale when you live in California and most of your guests are West Coast folks. That is huge added expense for airfare, which may be the one tipping point for some of them.

 

In the end, do what makes you happy. If others want to join you, then they can. If they don't, party with them later. If your dream wedding is a cruise and marrying on an island, then do it. Have the reception later.

 

There are very few "details" I remember about my wedding. My mother was the planner. She wanted a "big wedding." I truthfully didn't care. What I do remember is marrying my wonderful husband. We celebrated 20 years on July 15th.

 

Pick ONE and only ONE non-negotiable and do what you have to do to get there. If marrying on an island is what you want, you may have to sacrifice being surrounded by friends and family. If you want the friends and family, you may have to sacrifice the destination wedding.

 

In the end, do not stress yourself out over the wedding. It is but a few hours out of one day of your life. It is probably the most expensive few hours you will ever have, so you better enjoy it. You have the rest of your life to celebrate the marriage.

[legaljen1969]

I don't know if this will be helpful, but let me tell you what I did.

I met my husband on a Caribbean cruise so thought it would be fun to get married on a Caribbean cruise on the ship. Somebody on Cruise Critic pointed out that it wouldn't be very romantic on a ship with tons of people and kids running around. They suggested an all-inclusive resort on one of the islands.

I'd always wanted to get married barefoot on the beach at sunset. Negril is on the west coast of Jamaica and I found a cute all-inclusive that does weddings. They planned it all, provided it all. I just brought my dress.

We had decided not to invite family or friends because we knew it would be too expensive for them and we didn't want to burden them. At the resort we met alot of wonderful people. We ended up with 12 guests at our wedding from all over the world. They even took pictures and a video for us. It was perfection!

Then my family threw a reception for us when we got home. So they didn't really miss out on much. Weddings are more for the bride and groom. The reception is where the party is.

 

That is the absolute truth. The reception is for the guests. The wedding is for the couple.

[Warm Breezes]

That is the absolute truth. The reception is for the guests. The wedding is for the couple.

 

I was very impressed with my nephew at his wedding reception a couple months ago. He made sure to stop to visit and interact with all who were there and kept asking if we were having a good time because their goal was to make sure everyone had a great time. It was their big day but his concern was his guests had a great time. They didn't have a big expensive wedding and reception. In fact they served soft serve ice cream instead of cake because the bride wasn't fond of cake....and we all had a blast.

 

OP, this may sound a little critical and I apologize, but I find your attitude to be a little selfish compared to what I witnessed at their wedding. You are expecting everyone to drop everything for over a week, use their vacation time, and spend their vacation dollars, some whom from your description don't even have vacation dollars, on your wedding. You aren't even attempting to make it more feasible for them by choosing to sail out of the West Coast, where if they didn't want to cruise they could at least come on board to witness your wedding and leave as well as eliminating the travel cost since they wouldn't have the expense of air fare across the country, all because you want to cruise in the Caribbean.

 

I know planning is stressful and emotional....but please take a step back and look at what you are truly asking of them. If you want your friends and family at your wedding then make it feasible for them to do so without adding a lot of stress and financial strain on them. If you want your wedding to be on a cruise in the Caribbean then don't be mad at those who, for whatever reason, can not be there. It is your choice where you have it, not theirs and as you said yourself you are weeding out your guest list by doing this....by choosing the East coast it sounds like you are pulling out the flowers with the weeds. If you want the flowers it may be time to think about their needs as well as your own wants and compromise.

Edited July 17, 2015 by Warm Breezes

[sail7seas]

I'm sorry you have been hurt by responses here but hope you know most of us truly were being practical and trying to pass along some 'from experience' lessons we have learned. My father died when I was a teen so he never met my DH. My DH died last year after us being together for 47 years. We had the deluxe hotel formal wedding and it was lovely but I would have eloped with him if that is what would have worked best for us. The most important thing with a wedding, IMO, is to share it with those you love.

 

To have resentful relatives who have not even wished you well is a very loud message, IMO. They are possibly saying they are resentful of your expectations of what they should do in order to be with you when you marry. Maybe they are hurt and ashamed they cannot possibly afford to travel to Miami and board a ship. Maybe they hate the thought of being on the sea. Cruising is not for everyone. Your dazzling dream is to be a cruise ship bride. You are well entitled to your dreams but perhaps it is a fantasy to your relative and friends who have not responded in the way you hoped.

 

Maybe they are thinking you care more about your dream of being a cruise ship bride thann you care about them being with you on your wedding day?

 

Something to think about.

I have no desire to cause you tears or pain and I hope you take this in that vein. Some of us have learned through the years, the wedding bells stopping ringing but the family continues to hug you. My DH and I made a beautiful life together but it was the togetherness that mattered. It wasn't the fancy wedding. Choose the family,,,,, every time, if you have a good family and loving friends, it's an easy choice for many.

 

All best wishes. :)

Edited July 17, 2015 by sail7seas

[sail7seas]

That is the absolute truth. The reception is for the guests. The wedding is for the couple.

 

I'm not sure about that. I always enjoy the wedding ceremony when we are with people we care about. I love the all enveloping love and devotion, the hopefulness and dreams of the happy couple. I would never (if avoidable) miss the ceremony in favor of the party.

 

[wichitastatecruiser]

IMO: You say you live in LA.

 

Drive to Vegas and get married during the week. Flights and hotels are cheaper during the week and you can get 3-4 days at the 4-5 star hotels including flights for $800 or less. That gives the family less of an excuse.

 

Keep the cruise as a honeymoon present. If some people would like to join you then its up to them. I agree with another poster that you may want to look into cruising out of LA.

[zoncom]

Why go to FL? Carnival Imagination sails RT from LA from 3Ns at affordable rates.West Coast cruise only discounters could get you a group rate.(We cannot mention them here). Most of your guests have not cruised and its out of their comfort zone.I heard on talk radio this AM 75% of Americans have NO savings; something to consider. Also, there is an excellent wedding forum right here. Your issues are very important so share on Wedding forum also.

[SuiteTraveler]

I am a wedding planner with 30 years of experience and I am originally from Los Angeles, California. The national average cost of a wedding is just under $30,000. So yes, they are getting more and more expensive.

 

I have done dozens of destination weddings. In general, they are ALWAYS very, very small events. Most of the time it is the parents of the bride and groom, maybe some of the siblings and their spouses and a friend or two who attend - usually less than 10 people flying in for the destination wedding. With people who have tons of friends, the acceptance rate of destination wedding invitations has been running just under 30% - so they might invite 200, but only 59 show up and these statistics are for destination weddings where the guests did not have to travel far and it was over a weekend - travel Friday night or Saturday morning, return Sunday afternoon. A lot of times the couple will invite random people they meet at the resort to their wedding in order to have more guests at the wedding because so few actual formally invited guests are there.

 

The only 2 times we had most of the invited guests at a destination wedding was when the bride and groom (who were wealthy) paid to fly everyone in and paid for all lodging and food and entertainment. Even then, the length of the event was no more than 3 days.

 

That's the truth about destination weddings. They are normally very, very small unless the destination is very, very easy to get to and the guests can travel only a short way for very little money or drive and get in and out with only a commitment of one or two nights. It is typical that lots of friends who said yes when the wedding was first planned, will change their minds and drop out. Because of this, a lot of couples who have destination weddings, have a wedding reception for friends and family in their hometown upon their return from their honeymoon where photos of the wedding are displayed. The bride will often wear her gown at this event. If there was a wedding video, it is played for the guests.

 

On the one hand your fiancé is envisioning a large ceremony, then he contradicts himself and says he wants to go ahead with your shipboard wedding plans. Like most men, I don't think he really knows what he wants in the way of a wedding. At the same time, since you have been together for 10 years (and I am assuming here that you are living together - excuse me if I am wrong) then usually couples in your situation have a small intimate ceremony and a reception requesting that "Your presence is the only gift we want."

 

I think you are really lucky that your future FIL has paid for you to go on this cruise, so in your situation I would advise you to hold your wedding on the ship as planned and have dinner for 6 in the steakhouse afterwards (you and your husband pay for everyone as this is your way of thanking them for attending your wedding.) The cruise will be your wedding, post wedding celebration and honeymoon. Then hold a reception somewhere back home that is convenient for people to go to at a later date. I would also make every effort to find a way to pay for your future MIL to go on this cruise (unless she doesn't get along with your future FIL and his new wife - IF this is the real reason why she is not making any effort to attend then allow her to not come to your wedding.) I would not feel bad about siblings who cannot attend. My husband and I were not able to attend his youngest brother's second wedding (which was in another country halfway around the world) due to work commitments, but we wished him well and upgraded him and his wife to a suite on their honeymoon cruise since they already have a big fully furnished house and didn't need more stuff! Of course I made a big to-do about seeing their wedding photos and gave them many compliments on their special day!

 

As far as your reception goes, you need not do anything over the top, I would keep your expenses low and the event simple. I would hold it in a location that was the easiest for the people to attend. Send out invitations, have the reception mid afternoon - between 2 and 5pm and that way you will not have to serve a full meal to your guests. Instead serve punch, champagne and hors d'ouerves. If you want to save money, instead of a wedding cake, choose a non-traditional choice such as cream pies and decorate them with some silk flowers. Wear and your husband should wear your wedding attire. Display photos from your wedding and honeymoon and if there is a video, play that.

 

But know the lack of interest in your destination wedding is normal and to be expected. Between the expense and time commitment it is probably not realistic for most of your prospective guests and that's OK.

 

Finally, the wedding flowers on Carnival are so-so. IMO, I would pre-make my wedding bouquet in your position. You might do seashells and broaches and add in some silk flowers just to make it a keepsake you can take home with you after the cruise. Look on youtube for how to make this type of bouquet - it's easy, costs less than $40 and you would be able to display it at you reception later and have it in your home as a decoration if you wanted.

[legaljen1969]

I'm not sure about that. I always enjoy the wedding ceremony when we are with people we care about. I love the all enveloping love and devotion, the hopefulness and dreams of the happy couple. I would never (if avoidable) miss the ceremony in favor of the party.

 

 

Maybe it should be said that the ceremony is about the couple. The reception is the thank you to the guests who have supported and cared about you over the years. I don't mean that the ceremony is unimportant at all. Of course I want people to come to a ceremony. That is, to me, a privilege- to be included in one of life's most precious and sacred moments. It is fun to party with your people- but the reception is merely the celebration of the great event.

[legaljen1969]

 

To have resentful relatives who have not even wished you well is a very loud message, IMO. They are possibly saying they are resentful of your expectations of what they should do in order to be with you when you marry. Maybe they are hurt and ashamed they cannot possibly afford to travel to Miami and board a ship. Maybe they hate the thought of being on the sea. Cruising is not for everyone. Your dazzling dream is to be a cruise ship bride. You are well entitled to your dreams but perhaps it is a fantasy to your relative and friends who have not responded in the way you hoped.

 

I hate to say this, but sometimes relatives just want to be mean. They think because they are your relatives, they can say anything to you and you just have to take it.

 

It may be that the family doesn't have vacation funds, vacation time, or whatever. It could also be that this is beyond what some of them had for their special day and they don't want this bride to have it for her special day either. Jealousy can be a very ugly thing. I had to contend with it when my husband and I married. His sister-in-law (his brother's wife) did nothing but complain about everything to do with my wedding. We went to visit his family prior to a six month deployment for my husband. His family asked us to do a registry in their home state of Ohio so that some of the family might know what we wanted for gifts. (I am from Georgia. He is from Ohio. We met when he was in the military). We did a registry at Lazarus (like a Macy's) for some of our tableware and flatware and then a registry at Target as well for day to day stuff. His sister in law called me and told me that my selections were laughable and entirely too expensive, and that she was going to let the family know that they didn't need to pay any attention to what I registered for, that she would pick some appropriate gifts and they could select from those. (Appropriate meaning her taste, and things that would definitely not be any more expensive than what she received at her wedding). She told me that I was living in a fantasy world and I would not get anything for which I registered. She said she was not coming to the wedding unless we paid for everything. My husband's parents paid for plane tickets for the family to come to our wedding. We had a family friend who allowed us to use their home on the lake for a place for his family to stay (the place would sleep almost 20 people). She refused to sleep there because we did not "pay" for it. A friend of my parents did all of the food for the rehearsal dinner as a wedding present. When we thanked the friend, she laughed out loud and said how cheap we were. My grandmother, who owned a restaurant and catering service for years, gave me my wedding cake as her gift. She used her help to cater my reception. It was not just a little punch and cookies wedding. Well, my sister-in-law did not come to the reception because it was not a "banquet."

 

You never know what a person's situation may be. Maybe the bride and her husband have been saving for this. Maybe she knows that her family very well can afford some of this, but that they are being difficult. We don't know. It is not really fair for a bride to impose upon her guests to fly across the country for HER dream wedding, but they should also wish her well and tell her that they cannot wait to see her pictures and spend some time with the couple when they return. Being a jerk to her in order that she may acquiesce to them is just rude.

 

Maybe her expectations are a bit high. Maybe her family is just being jerks. We don't know.

[notentirelynormal]

Maybe it should be said that the ceremony is about the couple. The reception is the thank you to the guests who have supported and cared about you over the years. I don't mean that the ceremony is unimportant at all. Of course I want people to come to a ceremony. That is, to me, a privilege- to be included in one of life's most precious and sacred moments. It is fun to party with your people- but the reception is merely the celebration of the great event.

 

Agree 100%.

[Cruisin' Chick]

IMO: You say you live in LA.

 

Drive to Vegas and get married during the week. Flights and hotels are cheaper during the week and you can get 3-4 days at the 4-5 star hotels including flights for $800 or less. That gives the family less of an excuse.

 

Keep the cruise as a honeymoon present. If some people would like to join you then its up to them. I agree with another poster that you may want to look into cruising out of LA.

 

Actually this is still imposing a possible burden (booking flights and hotel rooms plus taking off three to four days, when perhaps they only get a ten days most of vacation each year, as well as deal with child care issues, etc.) on relatives and friends.

 

If the goal is to have a wedding where many of your list will be there, at least those who live near you, then have it in your area. If the OP lives in LA, and want something fancy, either consider having a pre-cruise wedding (where the guests who aren't on the cruise, just pay for parking) or look into chartering one of those little yachts in a harbor like Marina Del Rey, Ventura Harbor, or someplace else on the coast (depending on where you and the others live). If they have a drive of under two hours, then it just means a day (on the weekend).

 

But there really isn't anything wrong with having a backyard wedding in your or a friend or relative's backyard. Then it's more of a celebration of your love that you are sharing with the others.

 

My former college roomie had her first wedding in the midwest -- so her parents flew out from LA but many of the groom's and her relatives were from the area. She was going to grad school there so it made sense. She didn't feel any anger because I couldn't go (I was saving up for paying for my own graduate schooling the next year). The next year I was going to school a state over from her so I spent part of my spring break with relatives and then boarded another bus and spent a few days with her. Years later, she split with her husband. I was the maid of honor at her next wedding, which took part in a church in LA, and then everyone went to someone's house for a reception in the living room. Simple food and no booze (the groom was disabled due to a drunk driver, and I'm sure everyone there understood the lack of alcohol).

 

 

Again, no need to get mad at those who can't attend one's wedding. Hopefully if someone is disapproving, they really should decide whether to put on a happy face and be happy for you, or just not express any hurtful feelings and stay home.

 

And if you have a small intimate ceremony with just you and some witnesses, and someone can shoot video of it, that would be wonderful and you can make a link available on youtube or some other site so that your loved ones and friends can decide whether or not to view on their own. But certainly having a reception even months later would also be appropriate. The ceremony, honeymoon and reception don't have to be in a short amount of time from each other.

[jamessemaj]

This is obviously a very special wedding. As part of the 9 month savings program, the invitees might be offered suggestions to accumulate the funds necessary for this wonderful event and being included. There are second home mortgages to consider. Credit card limits. Selling fruit, vegetables, and flowers on the street, or just holding out cans for donations. There are probably black market opportunities of which I am not aware (selling the first born child, maybe). It will happen. The British monarchs will be envious.

[irishnyc]

There is no relative, not even my sister, that I would take a week off of work for, and spend thousands of dollars to fly across the country for just for a wedding. The only person for whom I would spend that amount of time and money on a wedding is my daughter, and I would warn her that she's be unlikely to see anyone else at her wedding if that was her choice of venues.

[Lerin]

You say you have no friends but yet are planning 100+ people for a destination wedding.

I don't get it.

 

Go to the courthouse and take a cruise for your honeymoon. Invite your families to participate in either, but realize they may or may not attend.

[Markanddonna]

The wedding planner gave her great advice and I learned from that post. The posters on CC tend to be a bit more mature and experienced in life compared to those planning a wedding so their advice is more practical. People who ask for advice from young friends usually just get affirmations and agreements rather than good advice. Proverbs say "A word spoken in truth is like a kiss on the cheek."

[lovemylab]

Let me get this straight... the OP has been engaged for 1.5 years and during this time has managed to save $5K for the wedding, yet she expects all her family/friends to save more than this in a 9 month span (despite some being on a fixed income)??

 

OP - you've been given some great advice and suggestions in this thread. Personally, I would have a low budget wedding closer to home and use the cruise as as a honeymoon.

 

It's not reasonable to expect everyone to be able to attend a destination wedding.

[Pyrate13]

The OP specifically asks if they (her and fiancé) are being selfish. In my opinion, and considering her attitude toward the relatives that said no to the cost, the answer to that is absolutely. After living together for as long as they have I would not even consider spending that much money and time to go to a wedding that is essentially just a formality type of thing. Especially if I was in a pay check to paycheck situation. Again, JMHO.

[Amandah1987]

I haven't read everything, only the first couple of pages.

I understand the desire to want to do a cruise wedding, and I imagine it would be an awesome thing to do. Unfortunately expecting all your family and friends to pay for their own air fare, cabin and other expenses (like a passport maybe?) is a bit much to ask.

I am going on my first cruise next year in February and I am one of those people who lives pay cheque to pay cheque.... (Well for the last 2 years any way) and I booked my cruise last year In December, giving me 14 months to save, I've managed to pay for all the big things (the cruise, drink package and passports for my daughter and I) but I only was able to do it so quickly by basically going without anything extra and basically only paying towards bills and groceries and nothing else. I seriously doubt anyone else would be willing to sacrifice that much for someone else's wedding. Only reason I was willing to do it was because I chose to do it. Not cos I was invited to someone's wedding.

But I know if I was invited to a cruise wedding or even a destination wedding I would most likely be unable to go, I am 27 and my daughter is 2 and this is my first EVER holiday and it took months of budgeting and planning before I even decided I could book the cruise. So just giving you an insight into what your friends and family might be faced with, I'm sure they would love to go, but sometimes money and circumstance does not permit. Do not take it personally

Edited July 18, 2015 by Amandah1987

[Jana60]

He doesn't want to do that though. He doesn't want any receptions. I suggested a long time ago that we just get married by ourselves and come back for a reception. Which is why everyone goes to a wedding anyways. I suggest a little ceremony for everyone to attend and we can just go to a restaurant or something afterwards. He wanted the wedding. I am okay with the small/intimacy part of the wedding/ceremony. He is not.

 

As far as our guest and their incomes, even people who live paycheck to paycheck can save for something big and special. That's why we figured giving everyone nine months to save would be ample time to set aside a little money each month towards a cruise. Some people are perfectly capable of doing it. And then there are always the people who say they can't afford it but have no problem going out to eat all the time, going camping all the time, taking a boat out, going on their own vacations, etc. We said from the very beginning that if someone wanted to go but couldn't come up with all the money, I have no problem working harder to help pay for someone. I just need them to try as well. I don't want to work my buns off to pay for someone because they don't want to try and save.

 

I heard this from someone who travels a lot, they said that as long as you think you can never afford to travel, you never will. But the truth is, you have to want to travel. You will find that the love of travel will encourage you to set aside money every month in order to reach your goal. The little goal of buying food out and drinking at the bars with your friends, those little goals will always take precedence over the big goal.

 

I lost my Mother, both my grandmothers, my brother, my aunt and I almost lost my father,all within a few years. I decided that I needed to make this memory with my family. I needed them to want to make this memory for each other. I don't know how much longer I will have my father. But while I have him, I wanted to have this once in a lifetime family vacation that I just happened to be getting married at.

 

I think you're being unrealistic to assume that what is "big and special" for you is big and special for everyone else. I'm a physician and could definitely afford a cruise, but I would find it really strange if a family member arranged their wedding at a location that would cost me thousands of dollars and a week of leave time from work to attend.

[jamessemaj]

I have had a similar experience on a destination wedding at a place I didn't care to go. Cost was not a factor to me, I just didn't care to expend what was required for a wedding I didn't care about at a place I didn't care for. Relations are now difficult. Shame. For what? Have a nice wedding, but don't expect others to stretch the budget for that. Weddings are sometimes a form of insanity.