Conquest Review, With Nude Photos

[jgmpuma]

ABOUT US: We are working porn stars, in our early 20's, appearing in a number of award-winning films under the names “Longfellow And Miss Loose-iana.” The nude photos will be at the end of this review, and I hope they won’t get us banned for life from Cruise Critic. We consider this to be “art.” If nudity offends you, you can just skip the photos. “Miss Loose-iana”, as you will see, has recently undergone some surgical “enhancements.”

 

Well, to be honest, the “nude photos” thing was a hook, to see how many hits I could get for this otherwise ordinary review. I am actually 64 and mostly bald and not much to look at, but my wife is gorgeous, with a 10,000 watt smile and enough charm to convert Osama Ben Laden to Judaism, if she set her mind to it. You will have to do without the nude photos.

 

We did this cruise with my wife’s two sisters and their husbands, a pretty congenial group overall but with some “issues.” “Issues” is what you have to say to be correct these days. They can be real headcases at times, but we manage.

 

My wife doesn’t fly (fear and ear problems) and I hate driving, so we usually restrict ourselves to cruises leaving from New Orleans, but the deal my wife found on the Conquest was too good to pass up ($650 p/p for a balcony stateroom), and we had heard nice things about Galveston, and my brothers-in-law were willing to drive, so we went with it. Both drivers are leadfoots, and actual driving time was a little less than six hours. The boys are not big talkers, so I got to read and do crossword puzzles, and the time went by pretty quickly.

 

LAISSEZ LES BON TEMPS ROULLEZ: VACATION BEGINS. We left home at about 10:00 a.m. on a windy, chilly overcast Saturday morning, boys in one car and girls in the other (we all have multi-decade marriages, and can get away with that), and dreaming of the tropics, with plans to stop for lunch in Breaux Bridge. That’s a little less than half way to Galveston, but there are a lot of open spaces between there and Galveston.

 

One brother-in-law suggested Robin’s, which I had heard of but never been to. It turned out to be closed, apparently for good. I suggested Mulate’s. We had been there two or three times in the past, and it had been very good, with big lunch crowds. When we walked in, the place was almost deserted, but we were pretty hungry. $13.95 for a bowl of watery, tasteless seafood gumbo, with a few frozen shrimp floating around in it. Terrible. I hope they get their act together. Mulate’s has been in Breaux Bridge since 1980, and deserves better. There is another Mulate’s in New Orleans. I hope the same thing hasn’t happened to them.

 

Onward to Galveston. We arrived at about 6:00 p.m., and it was freezing. We stayed at the Harbor House, a nice place about a block away from the cruise terminal. We really wanted to walk around and see some of Galveston, but didn’t have the clothes for it, so we hunkered down in a bar for a couple of drinks and then had dinner at Luigi’s on The Strand. Terrific. For about what we spent on a lousy lunch at Mulate’s, we had a bunch of appetizers and entrees that we passed around the table until we could barely walk.

 

Harbor House serves a free Continental breakfast. Not much to it, but enough to get us going, and some very good Starbuck’s coffee. I could stick my head out the window of our room (but not for long) and see the Conquest. Magnificent.

 

 

At about 12:00 we headed to the terminal and dropped off the luggage. I stayed with the girls (cat-herding duty) while the other boys parked the cars. The check-in line was long but moved quickly. Once past the metal detectors (why do people still freak out over metal detectors?) we stopped and waited for the others to catch up, and did the final check-in for S&S cards. A small group checking in ahead of us had a handtruck with five cases of water and three of soft drinks. Not sure how they got away with that. We did some minor-league liquor smuggling, just enough of our favorite bourbon for a pop or two before dinner, with no problems. I noticed that some luggage was being scanned but apparently not all of it, or the Rum Runners worked, or maybe we just got lucky.

 

At about 1:15 my wife and I joined hands to make that first, awesome step onto the Conquest. Not very impressive. We had been on the Conquest twice before (Pre-Katrina) from New Orleans, and on those occasions we boarded into the Atrium. This time, we stepped into the bowels of the ship, on Deck 0. Much less impressive, but at least we were on. Our cabin was on the Panorama deck, ten long flights up, but we would be doing some serious eating and had vowed to avoid elevators, which we pretty much did (I cheated a couple of times).

 

LOVE NEST AT SEA: This was Cabin 1066, a standard balcony cabin. I don’t understand how a balcony cabin on a cruise ship can be considered “standard”, unless your standards are extraordinary. It was a little piece of paradise. We were settling in when Jimmy, our room steward, presented himself and asked what he could do to make our cruise memorable. That was actually the last time we saw him, but our room was always immaculate (a feat, since we are slobs. Or at least I’m a slob). He did towel animals that even I could recognize.

 

Just as an aside, when the comment cards are passed out you are strongly encouraged to say that everything exceeded your expectations. That’s always a tough call. We have been on several Carnival cruises. We always expect the bast and usually get it, so the correct response on the comment card should be “meeted my expectations” but we get the point. There is obviously a lot of competition among the Carnival fleet, and we want our Conquest folks to do well.

 

Our balcony was well-used, and enough said there.

 

FUN DAY AT SEA #1: The bad news is that it was still cold and overcast, not as bad as yesterday but not thong and Speedo weather (there is always a silver lining). The good news is that there were absolutely no chair hogs.

 

Our group settled into an area on the rear of the Lido Deck near the bar, where we would spend many hours during this cruise eating, drinking, planning activities, discussing the Superbowl and comparing notes. It was way too close to the pizza station. The bar people were a constant presence, and we kept them busy. For whatever reason, it seemed that the largest of our fellow passengers favored the same area. There was some serious beef back here. There was a particular group that often entered the hot tub at the same time and the tub would overflow.

 

I don’t mean this as a criticism, just an observation. They were very nice and congenial folks and we shared lots of stories with them.

 

FUN DAY AT SEA #2. Pretty much the same as Day One, except that now it was warm enough for the thongs and Speedos, and for the most part our fellow passengers didn’t have much business wearing them. Maybe I’m just a little more self-conscious (or uptight) than they were. They were having at least as much fun as we were, so more power to them. And a lot more food.

 

Very smooth seas on both days, a blessing since I tend to get seasick in rough weather. I had Bonine and a couple of patches, but didn’t have to use them, a good thing since they make me a little spacey, a condition my wife considers to be normal in me but I don’t.

 

 

SEWER SMELLS: That was probably me. Sorry, I’m just not used to eating all that rich food. Other than any I may have generated, there were none.

 

WARM CHOCOLATE MELTING CAKE. More about this later.

 

MONTEGO BAY, AND OUR QUEST FOR THE DRAGON’S SNOUT: The last time we were in MoBay (2003, I think) our little group took a cab to the Martha Brae and spent a delightful afternoon floating down the river, dodging the souvenir hawkers and sipping Red Stripe’s. At the end of the float, while we were waiting for our cab driver, we asked the proprietor of the little snack shop to recommend the best local beer. He served us several bottles (too many, actually) of something we thought he called Dragon’s Snout. Unfortunate name, but a great beer. We never saw it again, although we asked for it at several places at home, and figured that the bartender’s patois had been lost in translation.

 

Our group never could agree on a plan, we had seen all the highlights before, Sunset Beach had gone up to $60, so we just winged it. From the ship’s “These are the best spots to shop in MoBay and we get absolutely nothing for steering you to them” map, it looked like walking distance to town, so we started out that way. It was actually a pretty balmy day for Jamaica, about 85 or so, but we just didn’t seem to be getting anywhere, couldn’t cross streets because of the traffic, and we finally flagged a cab. The driver tried to sell us some tours ( and some other stuff) but we told him we just wanted to shop a little (not true) and he dropped us off at his cousin’s shop, where we would be able to buy 20 t-shirts for $6, or something like that. No such deal, just the ususal junk. But, across the street I saw a sign. DRAGON STOUT. That was it. That was the elusive object of our quest, the beer of the Gods, served on a patio overlooking the Caribbean by attractive young ladies in short skirts. We ordered a round, and another. It wasn’t so hard to find after all.

 

By this time we were starting to get hungry. On the way in we had passed The Pork Pit, a great little jerk joint we had visited on the way back from Martha Brae in 2003, and started back in that direction. On the way we ran into a set of the in-laws, who had gotten sick of waiting for service at Margaritaville and had a mighty thirst. Across the street we found another bar with Dragon Stout and fortified ourselves for the walk to The Pork Pit. We could smell it before we saw it. Big open pits of pork, chicken and beef, slowly roasting in jerk seasonings. The place was packed, though, and time was getting a little short, so we had to go to Plan B, The Pelican, which the cab driver had recommended. It turned out to be excellent (and air conditioned). We had jerk chicken and curried goat, both memorable. Some other stuff too, but the Dragon Stout must have clouded my memory a little, and I can’t remember what else we had.

 

Back to the ship. As we were going through Jamaican customs I was given a brief but rather thorough frisking. I hope it was as good for her as it was for me.

 

GRAND CAYMAN: A SHORT VISIT. We were late getting up and didn’t have anything planned. We had been to Rum Point way back in the 1980's when that area was still pretty much undeveloped and spent an afternoon eating, drinking and snorkeling, and had tried to figure out a way to get there. We were too late for tours, a cab would have been prohibitive, and I don’t drink and drive, so we decided to wander, which always works for us.

 

I had heard good things about Caybrew, the local beer, so we had a couple, along with some conch fritters, at a place on the water (can’t remember the name). On our last visit there I had rented a mask and fins and snorkeled off of the sea wall. The cruise ships don’t dock at Cayman because there is coral along most of the shore, and it makes for some interesting sights just a few feet from shore (including some huge tarpon), but it was so cold at home while we were packing that I hadn’t even thought about a bathing suit.

 

After that we just wondered around for a while, enjoying the fine weather and observing the locals. Since the Conquest was leaving early we decided to return for a late lunch. On the way back we stopped at a grocery to pick up some supplies and, lo and behold, they sold Dragon Stout! I bought four, and we successfully smuggled them back on board.

 

OUR ONLY COMPLAINT, BUT A HUGE ONE. No ESPN. It wasn’t on the TV in the cabin. We asked around and were directed to “Gauguin’s Sports Bar.” That was a joke. A dingy little place just off the casino with a few small TV’s, a couple of which had ESPN in Spanish. We had really been looking forward to the buildup to the Superbowl (football foreplay) and missed it all.

 

That’s just about it for complaints, though. We had no hot water one night and the next day there was no water at all for an hour or so, but that happens at home, too. I promised my wife I wouldn’t complain about all those shoes she was bringing, or how on formal night she has to carry that tiny purse and I end up with the extra makeup in my pocket. Complaints about snoring are off-limits, as is the time it takes for her to get dressed in the evening. Or how many outfits she thinks are essential for each day, and God forbid she can’t adequately accesorize, and I won’t complain about all my stuff she forgot to pack.

 

FOOD: If Carnival has cut back in this area, you sure couldn’t prove it by us. Lunch on the Lido Deck was kind of hit or miss, as it usually is, but we always found something good, and the grilled burgers and dogs and pizza were as good as ever. Mongolian Grill too, but that is a slow process.

 

Everything at dinner was good to excellent. The Indian vegetarian entree on the first night was outstanding. They must have a lot of Indians in the galley. All of the meat dished were excellent, especially the short ribs and prime rib. The escargot were unusual. Not the usual butter and garlic sauce, that you taste for the rest of the night, but good. The lobster was that unusual species unique to cruise ships that is rubbery and tasteless unless you dip in in melted butter. I could dip a Vienna sausage in melted butter and it would taste pretty good.

 

I mentioned the Chocolate Melting Cake. I had read about that dish for a couple of years before our cruise last year on the Fantasy. I tried it and thought it was pretty good, but nothing special. The years have been fairly good to me, physically, but there is a spare tire that I try to keep under control by avoiding sweets, so I am pretty selective. On the Conquest, the Chocolate Melting Cake was spectacular. And the bastards serve it every nigh, so I had to order it every night, but at least I didn’t eat it all. Or sometimes I didn’t eat it all. Well, on at least one night I didn’t eat it all.In the unlikely event that I ever end up on Death Row, I will ask for it as my final meal.

 

Getting my wife out of bed in the morning is not a task to be taken lightly. She loves to sleep in, but I wake up at the same time every morning, vacation or not. Breakfast for me is usually a bowl of Cheerios, but I love a big breakfast, so I would go down to Lido (just one deck below, fortunately) and load up a tray. They are a little stingy with the bacon, but that was OK since it wasn’t very good. The scrambled eggs were the real thing. I somehow missed the omelet station until the last morning. Good grits. They must have at least one Southerner working in the galley. The coffee is something they just can’t get right, or maybe we are just used to our strong New Orleans coffee, so that was always a disappointment, but we managed.

 

Fortunately for me, the amenities basket included a bunch of Pepsids.

 

WAITERS, DANCING AND OTHERWISE. Let’s say you call me about doing your will. After a couple of consultations you come in for the final signing. Upon completion of the will I jump on top of my desk and start singing and dancing. That isn’t what you pay me to do, and that’s how I feel about the dining room servers. They do an outstanding job under extremely difficult conditions, and I don’t expect them to dance. Maybe I’m a curmudgeon, and I know a lot of people enjoy that show, so to each his own. On this cruise they did a little entertaining besides the serving, which was OK. Adrian was our main waiter. This is what he did one night: we had ordered rack of lamb, rare. It came out medium, and wasn’t bad at all, but he saw that we

were a little disappointed and came back with another serving that was perfect. He either cooked it himself or had one of his compadres do it. That’s what you pay a good server to do. We tipped him well. We tipped everyone well, above the usual gratuities, including the maitre ‘d, who doesn’t do anything you really notice, but he must be good because the service was excellent.

 

COZUMEL ON OUR OWN. The one activity our group had agreed on was what to do in Cozumel. None of the others had ever seen the east side of the island, on the Caribbean. It is a gorgeous place, with some of the wildest and most beautiful beaches you can imagine. The plan was to hire a cab for a few hours, stop at Mescalitos for drinks and snacks, Chen Rio for the same, and Coconuts for lunch. My wife and I had been to all of these places before and loved them all.

 

What happened, though, was that one sister stayed way to late in the casino and got pretty wasted, so she and her husband bailed on us. At the last minute the other in-laws decided to play golf instead, so it was just the two of us, and we couldn’t justify the transportation cost.

 

So off we go. We shared a cab with another couple downtown and were dropped off at Las Palmeras, where we had a beer. We like to move away from the really tourist areas wherever we go, and in Coz you just have to walk three or four blocks and you are there. We stopped at an Irish Pub (?) and had another beer, and discussed football with the bartender, a local but a big Saints fan.

 

Another couple of blocks away and it is mostly locals. My wife wanted to call home ( a habit she has maintained since our now-grown kids were little) and we found a place that was pretty cheap. The clerk spoke very little English, so I got to use my high school Spanish trying to find a good local restaurant for lunch. She gave me some funny looks at times (Lord knows what I was really saying) but she finally recommended a place down the street called La Choza. It was an ideal mix, about 3/4 locals and 1/4 tourist, so we figured it would be fairly authentic but also safe. It was excellent. We had Mole Poblano and Sopa Azteca (something like taco soup, but with more stuff in it).

 

About this time, it started getting pretty dark towards the West (storm dark), so we caught a cab back to Puerto Maya and made it to Fat Tuesday’s just before the rain started. We met a big family of Who Dat’s from Texas, and made plans to hook up with them when the come to New Orleans for a wedding in May. The last time they were here they only saw Bourbon Street, so we will have some real treats for them. They are lovers of food and music, as we are.

 

 

SHOWS/MUSIC. Someone kept mixing up the times (my wife, I think) and we missed most of the shows. There was an illusionist, though, who put on an amazing show. Her name was something like Miss Velveeta, and she did some spectacular illusions. A little too much dancing for my tastes, but well worth seeing. There was also a crew member who did close-up card tricks. I love this stuff, and he was a master.

 

All of the music was good, especially the groups playing just off the casino, and the young lady in the atrium. I can’t remember the names, and can’t find the Capers, so you are on your own, but do spend some time enjoying them.

 

CASINO. They are still in business.

 

LAST FUN DAY AT SEA: Pretty much the same as Fun Days #1 and #2, but with the thongs and Speedos fitting a little more tightly. They are actually screaming for mercy at this point.

 

OMG, THEY JUST SLID THE S&S BILL UNDER THE DOOR AND IT JUST BARELY FIT. It wasn’t actually all that bad. My wife, as usual, didn’t think the photos did her justice (and they didn’t), so we bought none. They didn’t do me justice, either, at least in my humble opinion, which opinion is not shared by many others. No shore excursions. My wife passed on the monkey-head drink of the day that cost $16 (she had one on the last cruise, and that ugly piece of junk is still sitting on the mantle like a trophy). Our booze smuggling saved a little, but that was never the point of doing it.

 

 

DEBARKATION, AND A SMALL BUT ENTHUSIASTIC CONTINGENT OF THE WHO DAT NATION RETURNS TO NEW ORLEANS, SEEKING GLORY AND SALVATION. Debarkation was fairly painless. We usually stay on board as late as possible, drinking coffee and reading, or whatever, until they beg us to leave, but we were really anxious to get back home for the Superbowl. At least half of the passengers did self assist, but we couldn’t, for the reasons stated in the Complaints section, above, regarding my wife’s packing habits.. The whole process took only about an hour, and we were on our way home. Leaving a cruise is usually a huge letdown, but the Saints needed us, and we were really pumped. Lunch on the way home was Subway, a mighty fall from what we had been used to the previous week on the Conquest.

 

We watched the Superbowl with a set of in-laws who live in the French Quarter. You know what happened. When the game was over we joined about 200,000 of our closest friends in the Quarter to celebrate. People were just delirious, crying and hugging each other. It has been like Mardi Gras here ever since. We went to the Saints parade Tuesday night (an estimated 800,000 others did the same) and let them know that we felt the love. We froze our behinds off, but no complaints.

 

For any of you who question the safety of New Orleans: There were about one million people on the streets between Sunday (post game party) and Tuesday night’s parade. There were no serious incidents of violence at either event. No cars overturned, no fires, nothing, just a huge bunch of happy people rejoicing and having fun.

 

Violent crime in New Orleans is down for 2009, test scores in New Orleans Public Schools are up since Katrina, and, in only three months, Ray (Chocolate City) Nagin will no longer be able to embarrass us as the Mayor of New Orleans. Crawfish season is almost here, and hurricane season is months away. Mardi Gras is coming. After that is French Quarter Festival and Jazzfest. In the mail this morning I received a catalog from American Express, showing all the overpriced junk I can get with my reward points. Instead, I donated all of them to Doctors Without Borders, to help them help those poor souls in Haiti. That eases my conscience just a bit. It’s still a lot colder in New Orleans than we would like, but we are not sitting under two feet of snow, either, and Spring is coming.

 

Life as we know it is slowly returning to normal. I have a pot of my world-famous (or at least famous to me) meatballs cooking. Unfortunately, there will be no Chocolate Melting Cake for dessert for the foreseeable future. I have caught up on my phone calls, and the dirty laundry has been washed. The dog is sleeping at my feet (he gives us the cold shoulder for a day or so after we return, but has forgiven us for leaving him at home for a week). The cat has apparently gotten into the catnip again and thinks he’s a Carnival cruiser on Spring Break. I suspect that “Miss Loose–iana” is planning another cruise.

 

God’s in his heaven, and all’s right with the world.

[nobody000]

NOW THATS A REVIEW!!!! ;):D:D

 

That was great, you got me hook, line and sinker on that one.

[bamaphotopro]

NOW THATS A REVIEW!!!!

 

That was great, you got me hook, line and sinker on that one.

 

Ditto ... and I'm not even planning on The Conquest! :D:D:D

[splash_in_the_water]

nice review, thanks for not including the nudie pics :lol::eek:

[silverfoxcruiser]

Terrific review -- really enjoyed all of your meanderings!! Didn't miss the nude photos at all :rolleyes:. Your pride in the Saints, New Orleans, and LA is very evident, and well deserved.....Geaux Saints!! Silver

[cuted126]

I needed this review today!! Two thumbs up:D

 

SEWER SMELLS: That was probably me. Sorry, I’m just not used to eating all that rich food. Other than any I may have generated, there were none.

 

I am so glad I wasn't drinking my soda when I read this:p

[okwriter]

I am a full-time freelance writer and editor, but it's mostly boring stuff for the federal government. :rolleyes:

This was ABSOLUTELY delightful to read! :D

Thank you!

[MinnesotaCruiser423]

Excellent review! You are a hilarious writer, I am sure a few of my co-works who were

around while I read this think I am nuts because I am sitting at my desk laughing by myself!

[LovesCruising]

Enjoyed your review so much - thank you!

[dprg644]

Well, to be honest, the “nude photos” thing was a hook, to see how many hits I could get for this otherwise ordinary review. I am actually 64 and mostly bald and not much to look at, but my wife is gorgeous, with a 10,000 watt smile and enough charm to convert Osama Ben Laden to Judaism, if she set her mind to it. You will have to do without the nude photos.

 

Now that was funny, you do have a sense of humor for sure. It was a great review!

[douglinc@msn.com]

Excellent review, thanks. Now I am really getting anxious for our 3-7 return to the Conquest.

 

Doug

[jfulcher]

 

 

Sorry - couldn't resist!

[johngcruisin]

That was a fantastic review. You are really funny and a good writer. Congrats on the Saints win!!! My only regret on the SuperBowl was not betting on it when I was sure the Saints would win.

 

BTW, we LOVE LOVE LOVE going to New Orleans. Have only been twice, but, hope to make it there many more times

[CJHAN]

Great review, the nude thig is a really good hook.

[oncruisecontrol]

Nice review. Love your writing style. Nice humor.

[imagine8]

Best review I've read on here! You are a great writer!!! Thanks for the chuckles.

[firefly333]

Iv love to travel with you... great review. You CAN ask for more bacon, if you want more than the two stripes they put on your plate... just say Id like more and presto!!!

 

thanks for taking us along with you.

[jimbo5544]

Nice review, refreshing and different, thanks

[tamirpr]

LOL'ing at the 432 views of this thread and only 17 posts. Bunch of pervs.:D

[larrymeador]

Love the review. Your sense of humor obviously helps you make the most of any situation. I love to see someone who enjoys life and those around him.;)

[pinkbarbie]

Great Review. Love the hook. Love the Conquest. Getting on her again soon.

[cawagner]

Terrific review! Enjoyed reading it all...you are a great writer and sound like a fun couple :)

[DWNYC]

Entertaining read, but I'm still waiting on the pics. :D

[mebecindi]

Loved it. Loved it, Loved it.

 

This is one of the best reviews I have ever seen on here.

 

Thank you so much for sharing.....

[mommaC82]

Absolutely fantastic review! Thanks so much for sharing!