“So a Penguin, a Horse and Polar Bear walk into a bar on the Edge...

[C-Dragons]

[C-Dragons]

Edited May 30, 2020 by C-Dragons

[C-Dragons]

Edited May 30, 2020 by C-Dragons

[barko4441]

Being a recent returnee to the board, I have detected a sometime U.S.A. vs Canada rivalry. So I like to share a song that might bring us together😁...........

 

[C-Dragons]

[cruisingpeople]

A man walks into a Talent Agency with his dog.

The Agent asks, "What have we got here?"

The man says, "A talking dog."

Agent says, OK, let's hear it.

The man looks at the dog and asks, "What is on top of a house?"

The dog says, "Roof"

The man asks, "What is sandpaper like?

The dog says "Rough"

The man asks, "Who is the greatest baseball player of all time?"

The dog says, "Ruth"

By now the talent agent has had enough and tells them both to get out.

As they get to the door, the dog turns to the agent and asks..................

 

"Was it Joe DiMaggio?"

Edited June 1, 2020 by cruisingpeople

[C-Dragons]

[C-Dragons]

[C-Dragons]

[centurycruiser]

My teacher asked me what my favorite animal was and I said, “Fried Chicken.”

She said I wasn’t funny but she couldn’t have been right because everyone laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.

I do too. Especially chicken, pork, and beef.

Anyway my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.

Told her it was chicken.

She asked me why.

I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal’s office. He laughed and told me not to do it again.

I don’t understand. My parents told me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am.

Today my teacher asked me to tell her what famous military man I admired the most.

I told her, “Colonel Sanders.”

Guess where the **** I am now…

[C-Dragons]

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theater.

 

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a night light and the answering machine, then put

our cat in the backyard. When the cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby

cat scooted between our legs back into the house and up the stairs. Because the cat likes to chase our Budgie we really didn’t want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve the cat and put her in the backyard again.

I didn’t want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, so I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodbye to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered and as the cab pulled away said, to my growing horror and amusement, “Sorry it took so long but the stupid ***** was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I had to grab her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn’t scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her downstairs and threw her into the backyard... she better not poop in the vegetable garden again!

 

There was awkward silence in the Taxi for the rest of the ride.

 

 

[Denny01]

Mildred, the Church gossip, and self appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business, Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank ( and several others) that every one seeing it there would know what he was doing. Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend or deny. He said nothing….

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house…

walked home and left it there all night…...

 

Den

[ldubs]

On 5/26/2020 at 6:48 AM, centurycruiser said:

3

 

For me only 2.  Yikes.   

[ldubs]

On 5/20/2020 at 7:13 AM, centurycruiser said:

3 out of 2 people have trouble with fractions.

 

I measured twice and cut three times.  It is still too short!  

[centurycruiser]

A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says "we have a drink named after you."

The screwdriver says "you have a drink named Stanley?"

[centurycruiser]

A grasshopper walks into a bar.  The bartender says "we have a drink named after you"

The grasshopper says "you have a drink named bill?"

[alibaba1]

[centurycruiser]

An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father gave her the what-for…..

“Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?!”

The girl, crying, replied, “Sniff, sniff… Dad… I became a prostitute…”

“Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this family.”

“OK, Dad — as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million.”

“For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside plus a membership to the country club… (takes a breath)… and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years’ Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and…”

“Now what was it ye said ye had become?” says dad.

Girl, crying again, “Sniff, sniff….a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.

“Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.”

[bob278]

With all credit to Pompey Sailor on the RCL humor thread.  I just wish it had been a video for the sound effects.  The vision I had made  me laugh so hard I had tears in my eyes.

 

Edited June 5, 2020 by bob278

[alibaba1]

[C-Dragons]

[eby]

3 hours ago, centurycruiser said:

An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father gave her the what-for…..

“Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?!”

The girl, crying, replied, “Sniff, sniff… Dad… I became a prostitute…”

“Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this family.”

“OK, Dad — as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million.”

“For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside plus a membership to the country club… (takes a breath)… and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years’ Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and…”

“Now what was it ye said ye had become?” says dad.

Girl, crying again, “Sniff, sniff….a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.

“Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.”

Why did she have to be Irish?

[mom says]

27 minutes ago, eby said:

Why did she have to be Irish?

Seriously? You don't know of the Irish divide between Catholics and Protestants?

[Denny01]

Love these sophisticated jokes:

 

 

[centurycruiser]