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After-Action Report, Victory, May 8-11, 2014

HeyYouKidsGetOffMyLawn
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HeyYouKidsGetOffMyLawn

HeyYouKidsGetOffMyLawn

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Clearly, it's lunchtime and we've been running around town all morning working up an appetite, so I assume we ate lunch before the ship pulled out of port. But I have no memory of that event, so ... No, really, I get it. Food is important to people, and I complained loudly above when I had one lousy omelette. So, lunch must have been okay. It just wasn't memorable.

 

I do remember going back to the room, grabbing our large refillable mugs with the bendy straws from [A MAJOR CENTRAL FLORIDA THEME PARK], filling them with ice (oh, that's why we needed so much ice!) and adding a heavy splash of bourbon to them. Heck, maybe two heavy splashes. Vacation measurements were in full effect. Then sauntering over to the pool bar for my 'free' glass of coke. Open lid, add coke, return empty glass to the bartender.

 

And I think that's a violation of the 'overpriced bottle in your room' rules. I am a violator. But it seems to fit the spirit of the rules -- I wasn't stumbling down the corridors with a bottle of whiskey in my hand. Well, not yet. And if it happened at all, I'm certainly not going to admit to it here. Either way, I am now properly equipped to battle the Fun Ship.

 

Turning away from the pool bar, I hear music. I SAID I HEAR MUSIC NOW. SORRY, IT'S REALLY LOUD. I CAN'T ... It might seem crazy what I'm 'bout to say, but

 

play this Youtube video on 'infinite repeats' [i cannot make this work] for the rest of my review. Turn the volume up to 'intolerable'. It's like you're on a cruise right next to me now. But I'm having flashbacks again, and they're not the fun ones.

 

Two PM: "Ultimate Mind Trivia" on benches near the casino. You can win your own gold-colored ship on a stick here if you're a smartypants. I didn't win. But I'll help you cheat by giving you the answers to the hard ones.

 

============================

 

It's a Polar Bear.

 

Yes.

 

Analog Alarm Clock

 

Yes.

 

Restated: "Anna's parents have three daughters. Two of them have silly names. What's Anna's name?" Doh.

 

23 people (it's the classic birthday problem. You'll learn methods to solve it at any decent college. Stay in school kids -- it'll help you win shiny toys later.)

 

There is one groove (per side, so really two) on a 33 rpm record.

 

=============================

 

Good luck.

 

After trivia, I spent a few hours accumulating skin cancer points on the mid-ship pool deck. Play the song again to capture this magical moment. No, play it LOUDER! That's better. You are free to assume I also enjoyed a silly drink in a silly glass, because that really happened.

 

On the eleventeenth repeat of a song I once enjoyed, I had an epiphany:

 

"I am relaxed. This cruisin' thang ain't half bad."

 

Then a small child landed on my chair and started screaming in my ear. He was quite concerned about the recent events in Ukraine, and encouraged me to support a return to the gold standard to stabilize currency fluctuations.

 

Well, that's probably enough sun for one afternoon.

Edited by HeyYouKidsGetOffMyLawn
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nova50073

nova50073

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My wife gives him cash and makes it clear that having a constant supply of ice cubes is the most important thing in her life right now. I get the impression that ice cubes on a cruise ship are as valuable as cigarettes in prison.

Dim women change a little when they gets on board, they want all there plans to go just wright.

I like your review, eyes feel we are brothers from a different mother, not to worry, you will get your sea legs, and tread your own path on board ship the next time, without the spilled drinks.

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loubetti

loubetti

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Please! Can I stop laughing now?!!!

 

Ya' know, I've never been on Carnivore...er... Carnival, but I really would like to give them a shot since I now live in Florida. Obviously I am not spending on air fare to see Joe Farcus' creations! However, he is a great talent, and really did some nice, over the top designs, which appeal to... okay, I'll stop while I am ahead, or is that behind?

 

I don't know if you are talking me into it or out of it, but your writing and humor makes this the BEST ship review, if not one of the better pieces of writing I have ever read!

 

My kudos to you!

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HeyYouKidsGetOffMyLawn

HeyYouKidsGetOffMyLawn

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Somehow, I made it back to the cabin in time to play dress-up for "formal night." Why are all of you acting surprised to learn that I own a nice suit? Taking the advice of my Witness Protection case manager, we skipped the crowded photo shoot and went directly to the big old theater thingy in the front of the boat. What? Yes, honey -- The Caribbean Lounge. For a riveting performance of "Living in America."

 

It wasn't great.

 

I'm watching the show and trying to calculate how many thousands of hours each of these performers has spent sweating in run-down strip-mall dance studios. I'm picturing dozens of eager and optimistic parents being supportive and daring to dream of a world where little Timmy and Sally escape from an almost-inevitable career in the meat packing plants of Des Moines, Iowa and move to The Big City. But big dreams can also die.

 

So, on this very morning, our once-optimistic young Sally wakes up on the Carnival Victory, dreading the evening's performance. Because she knows that Timmy injured his knee yesterday in a freak accident while getting his luxurious chest hair waxed away. And mid-way through tonight's show, Timmy has to lift her high in the air and hold her for several seconds while a guy calling himself Xander is butchering a Neil Diamond song. If you look closely, behind that carefully cultivated performance smile, you can almost see the shattered hopes and crushed spirit of a broken little girl who dared to dream, mixed with a raw nearly-primal fear of being dropped face-first onto a jagged metal bracket at the edge of the stage. Again.

 

Well, that got dark quickly.

 

Hey! You know what isn't dark? Mojitos! I had the first Mojito of my life while I was watching the song-and-dance show. And it was simply delicious! Gently bruised mint leaves floating in an ice-cold glass with fruit juice, ice cubes and rum. This is my new all-time favorite drink to order on a cruise ship. I didn't have a previous favorite. Well, maybe the fruity red one. It didn't just have a pineapple wedge, there was a cherry in there too.

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loubetti

loubetti

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Write a book. You are more than giving John Maxtone-Graham a run for his money! However, his book, "Liners to the Sun", while superb, was from another era. He actually went on Carnival once and included it in the book.

 

I can't wait for your next chapter! :D

 

Damn! I have to work on my writing!

 

This is such a joy to read!

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HeyYouKidsGetOffMyLawn

HeyYouKidsGetOffMyLawn

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Formal dinner was a little empty. I think my tie scared the crowds away. I had the lobster tail and it was even better than the ones served in the cafeteria at work. Yes, we get lobster tail and New York Strip very randomly and infrequently in the cafeteria. It's a refreshing distraction from Taco Salad Tuesday. Our cafeteria management company is an industry leader in food service for prisons. That's not a joke. They even inventory the plastic spoons when we leave, so we don't make illegal shanks in the cube farm. That is a joke.

 

Once again, the food and service were better than I expected. I can only imagine the logistics of getting that many dinners prepared and delivered in a short period of time. The table next to us had continuous issues with preparation (medium rare shouldn't be gray) and cold food. We left before the dessert course, and I hear we missed the completely impromptu dancing waiters show.

 

Ten Thirty: Adults-only comedy show with Tom Foss in the rear of the ship. Wife skipped this to get some much-needed sleep. I loved this show. Now, my father always told me, "Son, if you don't start at sunrise, it's impossible to drink all day." He was a very wise man. And I've been drinking a lot today, so I made the command decision to slow down before bedtime. The menu in the comedy club featured a virgin drink called the "Not So Fuzzy Navel", so I ordered one. It was dirt cheap, like three-fifty or something. And after I had a sip, I started wondering how to make a virgin Fuzzy Navel. Because the recipe is: (a) Orange Juice and (b) Peach Schnapps. So, if you take away the liquor, it's just orange juice. Right? Did I just get scammed for a glass of orange juice with a fancy name? Nope. It was orange juice and peach something. Very refreshing.

 

I stumble to the other end of the ship, up the elevator, down the hallway, open the cabin door and fall face first into bed. Good night, cruel ship.

Edited by HeyYouKidsGetOffMyLawn
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BattyL

BattyL

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I thought this review would be amusing after I saw your screen-name.

I was right:)

 

Yes, I love that screen name too. Sounds as though it belonged to a grumpy old man- names sure can be deceiving :D:D and to think, I almost didn't read this review.....

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HeyYouKidsGetOffMyLawn

HeyYouKidsGetOffMyLawn

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In the next episode:

 

I enjoy breakfast on the Victory

 

We dock in Cozumel

 

We get excursion-napped

 

We don't die

 

I learn a valuable lesson about being an old man

 

I don't buy a bottle of tequila

 

=================

 

While you wait:

Lou has my permission to stop laughing.

BattyL can continue to believe I'm not a grumpy old man.

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CruisingwithRickandNik

CruisingwithRickandNik

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Dude - I'm still trying to figure out if you actually went on a cruise or if you are just a comedian. Either way, I think this is great and will continue to read!

 

Lol...YES...this was his virgin full-on cruise (at least the first one that came with a cabin). It was a 4 day free cruise from Carnival.

 

Not quite the best cruise of my life either...I had only been on 7 day cruises before this one; and found I preferred both the ambiance and the peeps on the 7 day cruises MUCH MORE!

 

You will all LOVE WHAT HAPPENED TO US IN COZUMEL...also my fault for forgetting NOT to take the taxi cabs on the left where the price board is located. At least we are here to tell the tale. Lol.

 

We will be going on a NCL cruise in September. ..so stay tuned for the next set of adventure tales in a few months! :)

 

;) Mrs. HeyYouKidsGetOffMyLawn

 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I717 using Forums mobile app

Edited by CruisingwithRickandNik
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CruisingwithRickandNik

CruisingwithRickandNik

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Great start - love the review and love your screen name.

 

I'd also love any details on your wheelchair excursions. With my mom (who is a full time wheelchair user) we usually just stick to shopping at the piers but I'm always interested in something new (and if I have my way, November 2014, we'll stop in Key West).

 

I have a Hoveround that I use on the ship..for the 7 day cruises, I also rent a regular (very light-weight) wheelchair to use on shore...easier to get taxis...

 

During my 2013 7 Day Carnival Dream cruise, we went to the all-inclusive resort Mr Sanchos...everyone on staff was very helpful and friendly...and once you get into the pool, there is really no reason to get out again...EVER...LOL. They have a swim up bar with stools in the pool right at the bar. The food and drinks were excellent!

 

All extra curricular activities and the equipment were included in the $45.00 price...although they made you pay a $5.00 deposit...they gave it back when we turned in our gear.

 

I TRIED to snorkel from the beach...but the sand at the water's edge is like quicksand, and I sank over a foot into it and it took 4 helpers to get me out...although kudos to them for immediately coming to the aide of a damsel in distress.

 

In Key West, the trolley ride was fun..I don't remember which trolley tour, but it specifically mentioned that they have a lift for wheelchairs, so that should make it easy for you to get the correct one.

 

FYI...don't book through Carnival. The trolley station was right at the corner of the big museum statue..and buying your tickets from them will save you about $20.00.

 

Let me know where else you're going if you like and I will share my wheelchair experiences with you if I have had any. There are really quite a few things you can do besides just hang around the peer. (Well, not ALL of the ports, but the larger/more established ones anyway).

 

Can your Mom take any steps at all by herself? I could go about 15-20 feet on my Carnival Dream cruise...I finally got a diagnosis a couple of months ago...after 6 years of having seizures when overheated or upon any physical exertion and being wheelchair-bound); and I am on new meds now and can go much farther...but still use the chair for longer hikes, just in case.

 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I717 using Forums mobile app

Edited by CruisingwithRickandNik
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