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After-Action Report, Victory, May 8-11, 2014

HeyYouKidsGetOffMyLawn
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happy cruzin

happy cruzin

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You're in luck...we're going on a 7 day NCL cruise on the Getaway in September...

 

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I - for one - am looking forward to it. 😉💜 your review!! 👍

 

 

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CruisingwithRickandNik

CruisingwithRickandNik

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I want him to go on a 100+ day world cruise on Cunard! However, the resulting review will cause many, many to die laughing! :D

 

Lololol...ME TOO! :) I'm hoping the "powers that be" at CC stumble upon his review and add him to the review staff/article writer in exchange for free cruises...lol...you know...in all of the poor cranky man's spare time.

 

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Avril

Avril

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I am absolutely LOVING this review, one of the best and funniest I've read in a long time!! :D Can't wait for you to go on your cruise is September so I can read another one. Just one request, can you please post it (or at least a link to it) on the Carnival board as well as the NCL one? I'm not on the NCL board that often and I don't want to miss it!! Thanks and I can't wait to find out what happens next in Cozumel (and the rest of the cruise)!! :D

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HeyYouKidsGetOffMyLawn

HeyYouKidsGetOffMyLawn

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Roaring southbound on the empty road past “Playa Uvas”, one of the reference points on my instructions (Money Bar was the other one). Then a quick turn towards the center of the island and we are back on the Cozumel Superhighway. Traffic is light.

 

Seriously, you can recreate the trip with Google Street View. I’m posting the landmarks from now on, so ... virtual drive with us... if you want. I suddenly feel a need to be very clear about one detail -- I am not your supervisor.

 

After a few more kilometers, I resign myself to the upcoming removal of my kidneys with a dull machete. And because sitting in the front seat and drooling on my chest is getting old, I start chatting with the driver. He’s not a bad guy, he’s just being portrayed that way.

 

I notice that the majority of roads from the highway lead back towards the shoreline, so I ask the driver about it. Lesson: the center of Cozumel is almost entirely thick jungle. Nobody lives there. In fact, 80% of the population lives within a few kilometers of the Cruise terminal.

 

I still feel a twinge of uneasiness, because this is not the well-organized, cleanly packaged tour experience I would get at [insert any well-marketed central Florida theme park]. Most notably: we did not receive a single glossy full-color brochure written at an 8th grade level. Not even a badly photocopied sheet of paper. Nothing.

 

We pass numerous enticing signs for beach resorts. My wife helps by pointing out all of the wonderful places we didn’t go. I start to cry.

 

We help ourselves to cold cans of beer from the cooler and sputter down the road at an indicated, well, the speedometer doesn't seem to work, so zero kilometers per hour. It feels much faster. The beer is quite obviously not a brand I've ever seen in America. Certainly not the heavily advertised Dos Equis from the bar. I remember the cans as being green and white. There are no English translations.

 

It was cold beer. The kind you’d really want for mowing your grass with a freshly sharpened reel mower. Just you and the lawn on a warm summer afternoon, with no gas engine to intrude upon the sound of the finely adjusted blades as they spin and precisely cut each blade at the correct height.

 

The sun was shining on my face. The open top of the dune buggy allowed the warm wind to gently disturb my crew cut. I had a beer. It was going to be the last day of my life, but I had few regrets.

 

We finally pull off the major highway (4 lanes) and turn down a narrow road until we reach:

 

https://www.google.com/maps/@20.292704,-86.958498,3a,75y,168.95h,72.38t/data=!3m4!1e1!3m2!1sWC30r8RnjonPkDrU_zEOPw!2e0?hl=en

 

Spin the ‘Street View’ to the right and you may notice a guard shack with a thatched roof. Our driver hops out and runs to the ticket booth. He returns and attaches paper wristbands to our arms.

 

We are back in motion, and three hundred meters down the limestone road, I watch a large lizard run across the road.

 

I point excitedly, “Look, honey! A baby crocodile!”

 

The surprising laughter from my suddenly very judgemental driver is quickly followed by, “That’s an Iguana, senor.”

 

I see another one, and this time it’s larger. “Yes? Crocodile?”

 

“Still iguana. Crocodiles soon. Drink beer.”

 

We roll to a stop. “You can leave your backpacks in the buggy. We walk from here.”

 

I see a driftwood walkway leading away from the road, down to a lake, uh, I mean a lagoon. The walkway ends at a platform raised a few feet over the calm water.

 

https://www.google.com/maps/@20.2803,-86.97885,3a,75y,330.02h,76.4t/data=!3m4!1e1!3m2!1slBdlkOlNSpmW32yfNIs7Cw!2e0?hl=en

 

There is one lonely and bored crocodile hiding under the walkway.

 

“I am sorry. It's too hot in the afternoon, so the crocs are elsewhere. There were six here this morning. Now, it is time for their siesta.”

 

Consulting my extensive herpetological knowledge, I decide that this is neither an iguana nor an alligator. So, crocodile is the only remaining option. I have traveled for days and endured many hardships to reach this point, and it has all been worth it.

 

We climb to the top of the nearby driftwood observation tower. The guide/driver/[guy who stole a dune buggy this morning and is making a quick hundred bucks, cash] stays on the platform. I think he’s been up the tower before.

 

We cannot see any more crocodiles. Or maybe we do, but they’re cleverly disguised as logs and dark patches in the water. Nothing moves. Even my watch stops ticking.

 

In hushed voices, my wife and I start discussing our plans for escape, then manage to agree that this is actually better than a more organized tour experience.

 

Leaving the tower, I crouch down on the walkway over the hiding croc and stare at it from two feet away. It still doesn't move. Not a twitch, not a blink, nothing.

 

I stand up and ask my guide if this so-called croc is actually alive. Because if I was advertising el auténtico ecological experience, I’d make sure there was a guaranteed crocodile for the idiots to see. So planting a stuffed crocodile here, on top of a stick to keep his head just above water -- that would probably work.

 

He smiles. “That's the dumbest question I've heard all day.”

 

“Maybe you are right. The ladder down to the water is right over there. If you would like to test your theory, I think he would cooperate and attack you. No refunds.”

 

I back down. It’s a really good taxidermy job, though. I was almost fooled.

Edited by HeyYouKidsGetOffMyLawn
Phrasing, Lana!
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richstowe Great Review Rare

richstowe

Posted
Posted

 

I point excitedly, “Look, honey! A baby crocodile!”

 

The surprising laughter from my suddenly very judgemental driver is quickly followed by, “That’s an Iguana, senor.”

 

I see another one, and this time it’s larger. “Yes? Crocodile?”

 

“Still iguana. Crocodiles soon. Drink beer.”

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

I stand up and ask my guide if this so-called croc is actually alive.

He smiles. “That's the dumbest question I've heard all day.”

 

“Maybe you are right. The ladder down to the water is right over there. If you would like to test your theory, I think he would cooperate and attack you. No refunds.”

 

I back down. It’s a really good taxidermy job, though. I was almost fooled.

Those Mexican guides are a hoot. :D

 

Waiting to find out if you made it to the Money Bar. We did and loved it.

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CruisingwithRickandNik

CruisingwithRickandNik

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I am absolutely LOVING this review, one of the best and funniest I've read in a long time!! :D Can't wait for you to go on your cruise is September so I can read another one. Just one request, can you please post it (or at least a link to it) on the Carnival board as well as the NCL one? I'm not on the NCL board that often and I don't want to miss it!! Thanks and I can't wait to find out what happens next in Cozumel (and the rest of the cruise)!! :D

 

When he has finished the entire cruise review, we will post it on the Carnival site. :)

 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I717 using Forums mobile app

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jbhcw

jbhcw

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When he has finished the entire cruise review, we will post it on the Carnival site. :)

 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I717 using Forums mobile app

 

Really enjoying the review...your dh is a hoot:):):)

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happy cruzin

happy cruzin

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Posted
What the heck? I was happily reading away and suddenly it stopped on page 6? I feel like I'm reading a novel that I can't put down!

 

 

 

Looking forward to reading more tomorrow. :)

 

 

*Like*

 

 

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Mary Ellen1

Mary Ellen1

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No update this morning. I'll try to finish something this evening.

 

Mr Lawn

 

Bait!!! And Switch. :mad: Not fair. Lawn-dude, you got me all excited when I saw that you'd added a new post to this masterpiece. Don't tease me like that, bro!!!

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CruisingwithRickandNik

CruisingwithRickandNik

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Bait!!! And Switch. :mad: Not fair. Lawn-dude, you got me all excited when I saw that you'd added a new post to this masterpiece. Don't tease me like that, bro!!!

 

I'll add this to my list I'm compiling for his punishments...lol. He's already in trouble for complaining about the HUGE SACRIFICE in luggage I made for that cruise....nothing is ever good enough! ;)

 

Mr Lawn is going to end up sleeping in the shed with his push-lawnmover...but I will wait until he finishes the trip review so you guys don't suffer...just him. Lol. Any suggestions on post-review punishments will be accepted!

 

My first/original punishment was going to be handicapping him too...but that would be a HUGE inconvienience to me if we were BOTH in wheelchairs...lolol! ;o)

 

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kmc500

kmc500

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What the heck? I was happily reading away and suddenly it stopped on page 6? I feel like I'm reading a novel that I can't put down! :)

 

Me too! And worse, the novel I can't put down is missing the last 10 pages - yikes!

 

Kevin C

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