LIVE - Beyond 1/29/2023 - Live Blog, Cat Blog, Vlog!

[David Kane]

LIVE - Beyond 1/29/2023 - Live Blog, Cat Blog, Vlog!

Good Evening.

 

Annnnnd, we’re back. And what a time it is to BE back! After our most recent cruise in June (detailed somewhat below in background) we are once again Celebrity bound on the Beyond, our first ever “new” ship (with regards to the Summit, Equinox and Reflection – Johnny, I hardly knew ya’) experience. Now, it seems, is the winter of Cruise Critic’s discontent – which we will counter with uproarious good cheer; Onward!

 

I’d like to give a big thank you and shout out to Chemmo, Jim_Lain, Patty Knapp, HappyCruiser6143, GenerationX, and all the other frequent Cruise Critic Forum posters who provide far more accurate commentary than I ever will.

 

Note: This Blog is rated H for Hu-Mor. Curmudgeons are hereby advised.

 

Background

 

DW (who I will refer to by her initials XZ just to circumvent convention) and I are mid 40’s (*ahem*) with no kids and one cat who hates it when we go cruising. We were big Disney Park fans until their scheduled fun experience got way of whack (don’t dream of Genie+, it will give you nightmares) and made the spontaneous experience entirely unenjoyable and, for my 40th, we decided to give cruising a try.

 

Our first trip was in an RS on the Infinity for Halloween in 2015. We came right back for more, booking a RS on the Summit for 2016, an SS guarantee on the Reflection and another SS on the Summit, both in 2017. Starting 2018 we did an SS Aft on the Equinox, and an SS on the Summit and, in 2019, an SS on the Equinox. We took a slight break and came back for an SS on the Summit out of San Juan in Jan. 2020 and then, about 2 weeks after we got off the ship, the lockdown began (I realize for simplicity sake this could have been a bullet-point list; but, then again, that meeting could have been an e-mail and *we’re not doing work things on this Blog!*).

 

In June 2022, post-apocalypso, we managed, through ways and means (and not to New Orleans) to make it to the Penthouse on the Summit – a 10 year goal achieved 2 years early, and got to experience what is described as the best room on the fleet. From a private concert, to shuffleboard on the back deck, to not actually leaving the room for several days, it was a wonderful experience and, from it, we knew we had to come right back (work pending…).

 

This Trip

 

We started out booking a Sky Suite on the Beyond, using our typical strategy of cruising what is essentially the least desirable week out of the year. We were perfectly pleased with a Sky, as we planned to spend the majority of the time running about this new class of ship, playing cards in the Retreat Lounge, and getting confused for the cast of Eden. And THEN (followers of previous Blogs will see where this is going).

 

And THEN we received the typical move-up offer which never seems to work out. Click some links, enter some zeroes, let Celebrity create a decent benchmark for what people are actually willing to pay for rooms when it comes down to brass tacks, and be satisfied with what you have. Until I look over at XZ one night and go “Hey…there’s this weird charge on the card – I thought we paid this off already?” And just like that, we got moved all the way up to a VILLA. I know, I know, it was Beyond (this joke WILL get old) our expectations, but, much like our previous Penthouse re-booking, it came at a cost that was less than initially offered. So there we have it – all the stories in a 2 story room to follow!

 

Goals this go around include:

--Every Night is Formal Night!

 

--Chair Ratings: We have an ENTIRE new ship, with brand new chairs, to rate! How many will we get to? Who knows! There seem to be about 201 different seating options in Eden alone.

 

--Villa View: There are less engaging pictures and vlogs of the Beyond Edge Villas than I thought there would be (side note; they are actually called the ‘Edge Villa’ which will in no way be at all confusing if, say, you’re in an Edge Villa on the Edge so, technically, you’ve booked an Edge Edge Villa as opposed to a Beyond Edge Villa, which still sounds somehow like you’re cruising on the Edge itself, which is ALSO the class of ship that the Edge, Apex and Beyond are…so you’d be on an Edge class ship named the Edge or an Edge Class Ship named the Beyond – it’s like Toyota calling their first SUV ‘the Toyota,’ not at all confusing. Man. I hope I don’t try and get on the wrong ship at port)  – there are multiple entrances; one of which essentially lets me stand in line for Luminae while I’m in the foyer of the room! One of our big goals is to document this room inside and out, with its plunge pool, Harry Potter-esque writing desk, and included bread maker/electrical box.

 

--Bar Crawl Challenge: My personal challenge is to pick a day and hit up every bar on the ship. This was easier on the M Class, when “Crush” was somehow listed as a bar but it was really a place they used to…I don’t even know what? Keep bottled drinks cold? But this time we have 2 Café Al Bacios, a OVC bar that supposedly opens at 6:30am (!) and a host of other places which may overwhelm even myself, who once had 14 champagnes on my first cruise to help combat sea sickness…it…didn’t so much help. I see myself ordering a lot of light beer…

 

--Captain Kate: OMG has Captain Kate been DUCKING US for like the last 5 years. We’re on the Summit, she’s off the Summit. We’re on the Equinox, she’s off the Equinox. She’s on the Edge, the pandemic hits. I feel we have been following in her wake forever. But finally, we will get to meet her and the 2^nd most famous cruise cat (rumor has it Bug has an Insta – but our Cat has an OnlyFans – so there!).

 

The Cat

Yet again, as we prepare for our cruise, our angry little (little?) Tortoiseshell cat has been busy perusing Cruise Critic, reading all of the most recent CC forum postings and thoroughly enjoying the sour ones. Each day we will review one “Cat Complaint” about Cruising and see, in person, if it’s valid. The Nattering Nabobs of Negativism have been hard at work – it’s time to see if that work has paid off (yes, that was a Spiro Agnew joke – the cat loves Spiro Agnew).

 

 Social

 

Our vlog site is https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCcTrwSLzNW8FzVVdyz3yC4w

 

We also made an attempt to step into the vastness of Celebrity’s own social media sites, including Instaspam, Facebag and Twiffer and…I just do not have time for all of this updating. CC, ride or die!

 

 We draw inspiration for our begrudging social media efforts from:

 

Alex Codd Choreography (Celebrity Dancers Against COVID):

 

 

Cruise Dorks (“Pick it up and party with it”): https://www.youtube.com/c/CruiseDorks/featured

 

And a host of other informative Youtubers who I just realized are all Travel Agents in their spare time so…I can’t post them here. Whoops.

 

A Note on Questions

 

One of the most enjoyable features of CC is answering questions for future cruisers. However, to add a wrinkle of unhelpfulness, I will endeavor to ask the least appropriate people I can find. Want to know if Sky Vodka is on the Premium Package? I’ll find one of the Performers to pose that question to! Interested in Debarkation Times? Perhaps the Chief Engineer will have some insights. All kidding aside, I’ll do my best to respond for at least the first 3 days, after which the ‘LIVE’ part of this blog becomes increasingly inaccurate.

 

The Self-Indulgent Nature of this Blog

 

“But wait! Where are the pictures of food? Sunsets? All I see are photos of your wife in funny hats…what gives?”

 

This blog is largely for the enjoyment of our immediate family; by which I mean I generally try to use it to make XZ laugh when she reads the daily recaps at 3am. There are inside jokes, there are throwback references, possibly related to professional wrestling, and, occasionally, there is some information masquerading as trite humor.

 

And, to get out in front of it, in case you are unaware what is to follow, allow me to quote our fellow Cruise Critics in their hour of discontent: “Retreat, retreat, retreat…Luminae, Luminae, Luminae, you’re just Celebrity Cheerleaders.” YES. EXACTLY.

 

 

And Here We Go, the luggage has been spotted and the cat is…mildly concerned...

 

[danceswithphones]

Thanks for the review! We did 15106 on the Beyond and loved it. Hilario was our singing butler. Did you get your PJ's?

[vickykay]

David, looking forward to another one of your blogs.

[vickykay]

And of course all your formal night photos!

[CruiseCrew123]

Too many solo female singers on this cruise so plenty of days for a bar crawl . 

[jimbri]

Looking forward to your review.

[momofmab]

Can't wait for the review!  We were on Beyond in early January (albeit in a lowly Concierge IV) and loved her!  Captain Kate is a gem!  Do try to follow her (and Bug) on Instagram, as she posts pictures and videos from each voyage, as well as reposts pics that passengers post.  She is very approachable and does a Q&A, trivia and comes down to the terminal on disembarkation day to say goodbye to everyone.

 

Make sure to bring a deck of cards and any board games you want to play.  We forgot cards and the ship was sold out of the few decks they carry.  There's no "card room" on Beyond, but many places to play. Cafe Bacio was a popular place.

 

Enjoy the Villa!  Looking forward to pictures!

[asnaleah]

Looking forward to following along. Happy sailing!

[CruisinBanka]

Looking forward to sailing along with you! Love your humor! We will be on Beyond in a couple of weeks for a B3B so this is of great interest. Enjoy your cruise!

[hcat]

Will follow along...another zany blog/ review!

[Moochi]

This is post is going to be great hahahaha

[gotta cruise again]

DH and I are also on this sailing in a SS; we plan on arriving early so if you see a pink map dress like Generation X wears, that will be me so please say hello (DH is in a world map shirt in case you see him).

 

Always enjoy your blogs and looking forward to this one too!

 

Leah & David

[David Kane]

The Fast Forwards

 

Saturday was Travel Day, which is about as exciting for CC forum readers as reading Atlas Shrugged - sure, everyone *says* they have read it, by my god is it a monstrous, tedious undertaking that I suspect no one really finishes. So, below, are the most compact Travel Notes I can take with the TLDR: as follows. "We Here" (Note: Also the team motto for this year's Bengals).

 

Travel post-COVID, and I know this is going on 3 years at this point, still shocks me in small ways. XZ has been as far as India in that time, while I have been as far as Bayonne, NJ, so our experiences have greatly varied (she met a team of security experts in the Bengalore Ritz-Carlton, I met some prostitut...er, ladies of the night, in the Vince Lombardi Rest Area parking lot). Regardless, between COVID and the Great Resignation, a LOT of travel related business are closed, likely never to return. You know the service industry is hit hard when the generic "Airplane News" stores that sell bottled water for $9 and magazines (they still print magazines! Who knew!) are all closed and being used as storage for...chairs. Even our favorite bar (ok, cards on the table, it's TF Green, the tiny RI 'International' Airport, so it's more like *only* bar), called 'the Bowtie,' whose only redeeming feature was the ability to get 3 Bacardi/Diet double doubles at 7:00am amd chat with the bartender who had *seen it all* while possibly over-serving bleary-eyed parents dragging their children on a 'fun' Disney vacation that just happened to depart at 7:25am on a Sunday, was closed.

 

 

Aside from that oddity, the flight was rather generic, Fort Lauderdale seems to have stepped up their airport game quite a bit, and it only took us an additional hour to reach the hotel as the Uber-esque druiver took us to the wrong Marriott (there are...4? in Fort Lauderdale. Oops!). But look at it this way, we got an interesting tour of downtown Fort Lauderdale and a new appreciation for Jamiroqui.

 

Last night was an execrise in new Hotel struggles - surrounded by buildings on the rise, a Hard Rock Hotel in the shape of a guitar that lights up the night sky like something out of the Atlantic City skyline, the Brand New Marriott Aiport Dania Beach Hotel and Conference Center/Convention Hall/what even is this place is very new, very clean, and very, very understaffed. With a little DIY ingenuity we managed to wrangle all the luggage up to the room ourselves (who packed...'counts quickly' 8 bags?!) and avoided the quaint grimeness of the M Class lounge where the attendant did their level best to re-stock a fishbowl of gummy snacks without using utensiles. Successfully eschewing the hand-bears we settled into a night of watching Wrestling and preparing for onboarding. 

 

 

 

  

[seatrial]

I hope you have a wonderful cruise. We sail on Beyond in five weeks in SS. This will be our first time experiencing the Retreat on a new ship. 
 

From your experience, can Sky Suite-level guests arrive at the port at any time or are they bound to their scheduled wellness-check time chosen at check in. 
 

I am looking forward to following your posts. Your writing style is just delightful. 

Bon Voyage!

[Azulann]

Look forward to your live report/blog I love your writing style , and yes I read Atlas Shrugged in college man-years ago. it was tedious  as was  A. Rand.

[CruisinBanka]

32 minutes ago, seatrial said:

I hope you have a wonderful cruise. We sail on Beyond in five weeks in SS. This will be our first time experiencing the Retreat on a new ship. 
 

From your experience, can Sky Suite-level guests arrive at the port at any time or are they bound to their scheduled wellness-check time chosen at check in. 
 

I am looking forward to following your posts. Your writing style is just delightful. 

Bon Voyage!

All Suite Level guest, including Sky Suite,  can arrive at any time regardless of check in. We have never had an issue getting checked in right away. 

[Beachlover1989]

I'm looking forward to hearing all about your cruises!  Especially your interaction with Captain Kate and Bug!

[David Kane]

Em-Meow-Cation

 

Having survived the Marriott...airport? Hotel (we do NOT say negative things on this blog - so, in its defense, it was very clean, which, I think, is rather important for pre-cruise health, but, aside from that...'nuff said - as Jim Shooter from Marvel Comics used to say in 1989) we caught a Lyft (spelled...in the Norwegian?) to the cruise port for $25.

 

SO! A few points; 1) unlike Bayonne, where all you have to do to gain entry to the Port is to prove you're not currently snorting cocaine,  Port Everglades is locked down...kinda. You, and your spouse, and your driver, all have to show your documents before you even cross the threshold. Those documents that you used to fly down here and immediately packed at the bottom of your luggage. Yeah. Dig those back out immediately. For some reason a rather nice person will need to cursorily examine them before you even get close to the ships. It is all a little strange and I suspect it has something to do with Uber/Lyft versus medallion cabs and likely the Mafia but, as long as you have your documents, it takes about 1 minute to get through (note: someone was being searched by dogs so...rememeber your documents and don't smuggle...fruit?)

 

NOW, you might think that the well-heeled suite guests get their own luggage conceirge...but you know who doesn't really care about your 'status' - the Port Authority. Your shuttle and/or private car and/or cab will park exactly where the guys in safety vests/big guns will tell them to park. The GOOD news is that there is always a Sky Cap (those...don't exist anymore, do they? like the occupation of 'Sky Cap'?) ANYways, there is a Porter (I prefer that word!) who will happily take your 8 (!) pieces of luggage from you. Tipping is not required, but, seriously, give that fine fellow (or fellow...ess?) at least a $10. A $20 if you're feeling gregarious, and consider it money rather well spent.

 

After getting your luggage sorted you will be instructed to enter one of two lines. Those for Suite Guests and those for non-Suite Guests. The port is so well managed that, if you squint really hard, you maybe be able to make out the difference between no lines and...no lines. This was at 11:01am. So em-meow-cation is less about waiting in line and more about be preprared to sprint to the ship, because it is GO time!

 

GO time for Suites involves taking an elevator while everyone else gets to take an escalator. Once up the elevator there is a single security line staffed by two folks from the Port Authoritty who decide how much of a jerk you are. No. Seriously. If you have a sour face they will search your soul. If you smile and politely introduce yourself you will be through the faux-TSA process in 1 minute or less.

 

NOW! Once you are through, you finally arrive in the domain of Celebrity! Below are pictures of the Suite Em-meow-cation lounge. They have rather comfortable chairs, a cute snack and soft drink spread, and, most importantly, hidden, gorgeous bathrooms. Seriously. Scroll down to the bottom where we reveal the hidden hallway where you can have a few quiet moments to yourself before onboarding. Pictures, as follows:

 

[David Kane]

THE most important pictures from the Em-meow-cation termial! Look to the left, look to the right, look past the actual entrance to the ship. These are the water closets and they are beautiful. I hate to continally belabor this point, but we used to drive from Jekyll Island to Miami in one morning to onboard the Equinox and, after that 9 hour experience, I had to fist-fight a hobo just to change clothes in the rental car terminal/UFC training center.

 

 

[seatrial]

Thank you so much for your report; very much enjoying it.

 

Did 11 am seem like a good time to arrive at the port as a suite guest? What time were you allowed to actually board the Beyond.

 

Thanks again.

[Blanq]

38 minutes ago, David Kane said:

Em-Meow-Cation

 

Having survived the Marriott...airport? Hotel (we do NOT say negative things on this blog - so, in its defense, it was very clean, which, I think, is rather important for pre-cruise health, but, aside from that...'nuff said - as Jim Shooter from Marvel Comics used to say in 1989) we caught a Lyft (spelled...in the Norwegian?) to the cruise port for $25.

 

SO! A few points; 1) unlike Bayonne, where all you have to do to gain entry to the Port is to prove you're not currently snorting cocaine,  Port Everglades is locked down...kinda. You, and your spouse, and your driver, all have to show your documents before you even cross the threshold. Those documents that you used to fly down here and immediately packed at the bottom of your luggage. Yeah. Dig those back out immediately. For some reason a rather nice person will need to cursorily examine them before you even get close to the ships. It is all a little strange and I suspect it has something to do with Uber/Lyft versus medallion cabs and likely the Mafia but, as long as you have your documents, it takes about 1 minute to get through (note: someone was being searched by dogs so...rememeber your documents and don't smuggle...fruit?)

 

NOW, you might think that the well-heeled suite guests get their own luggage conceirge...but you know who doesn't really care about your 'status' - the Port Authority. Your shuttle and/or private car and/or cab will park exactly where the guys in safety vests/big guns will tell them to park. The GOOD news is that there is always a Sky Cap (those...don't exist anymore, do they? like the occupation of 'Sky Cap'?) ANYways, there is a Porter (I prefer that word!) who will happily take your 8 (!) pieces of luggage from you. Tipping is not required, but, seriously, give that fine fellow (or fellow...ess?) at least a $10. A $20 if you're feeling gregarious, and consider it money rather well spent.

 

After getting your luggage sorted you will be instructed to enter one of two lines. Those for Suite Guests and those for non-Suite Guests. The port is so well managed that, if you squint really hard, you maybe be able to make out the difference between no lines and...no lines. This was at 11:01am. So em-meow-cation is less about waiting in line and more about be preprared to sprint to the ship, because it is GO time!

 

GO time for Suites involves taking an elevator while everyone else gets to take an escalator. Once up the elevator there is a single security line staffed by two folks from the Port Authoritty who decide how much of a jerk you are. No. Seriously. If you have a sour face they will search your soul. If you smile and politely introduce yourself you will be through the faux-TSA process in 1 minute or less.

 

NOW! Once you are through, you finally arrive in the domain of Celebrity! Below are pictures of the Suite Em-meow-cation lounge. They have rather comfortable chairs, a cute snack and soft drink spread, and, most importantly, hidden, gorgeous bathrooms. Seriously. Scroll down to the bottom where we reveal the hidden hallway where you can have a few quiet moments to yourself before onboarding. Pictures, as follows:

 

"If you have a sour face, they'll search your soul." Okay, this statement alone has me along for this ride, and I never follow live trip reports. You're hysterical, so I'm in.

[mac_tlc]

Ok, David …. We rode up that sweet suite elevator with you to the em-meow-cation lounge! Loved the outfits . My wife thought we were riding with Aladdin and Jasmine!!!

 

Hope you are having a great time, maybe we will cross paths again on board. 
 

mac_tlc

Edited January 30, 2023 by mac_tlc

[David Kane]

Quick Replies and dailies:

 

1) And this is stolen from one of my favorite authors: "Politeness is the best curency. It is free, endless, you can give it away, and it costs nothing." SO! mac_tlc thank you for being so polite! Didn't realize that was you - hope to see you around the ship!

 

2) In terms of arrival times; IMHOHOHOHO it does not matter. Others may appropriately disagree, which is fine, but from Bayonne to...whatever the port is in San Juan, to Miami to Fort Lauderdale we have seen exactly 0 line at 11am. And remember, a lot of the inital experience is controlled by the Port Authority; not Celebrity. You know who doesn't care what your onboarding time is? Derrick from Baltimore. He's just there to search people for illegal dogs and throwing stars. And past that, the staff of Celebrity is unfailingly polite. NOW. This is, as noted and has been, the Suite level experience BUT, as also noted, I have frequently lost onboarding footraces to guests in wheelchairs because, I think, the staff views that experience as their workout for the day and nothing says 'get on the ship' like a well dressed gentleman with a battering ram headed up and embarkation ramp. Note: for those who need mobility access; have a pre-board drink because you are going to your room in 3 minutes or less and that guy has achieved his crossfit milemarker for the day.

 

WOW, that derailed. Here are the dailies from onboarding (post to follow) 

[David Kane]

Onboarding Dailies

[David Kane]

Moar Paperwork: