After-Action Report, Victory, May 8-11, 2014

[CruisingwithRickandNik]

And how exactly was this accomplished? I've tried this method several time with no bracelet availed with Nydney1 :( He either misses that I WANT THIS ONE! Or blissfully ignores that I WANT THIS ONE! ;)

 

Back to the buggy, down another kilometer (I'm making rough guesses here) of limestone road, we reach a wide clearing that’s being used as a circular parking lot by a dozen vehicles.

 

“That's the lighthouse. You can climb it if you want.”

 

https://www.google.com/maps/place/Cozumel+Lighthouse/@20.272453,-86.988136,2a,90y,90t/data=!3m5!1e2!3m3!1s22574800!2e1!3e10!4m2!3m1!1s0x8f4fac9b9cd39523:0xbf685f8c26770c11!6m1!1e1?hl=en

 

I’m still feeling slightly emasculated by my earlier refusal to defeat a crocodile with my bare hands under the walkway. I must make amends and restore my honor. Then I realize, “This is Mexico. I am a very manly man. I must demonstrate my machismo. The sultry senoritas shall swoon as I swagger out of the lighthouse.”

 

I duck my head through the entrance door and begin climbing the spiral concrete staircase. There's no handrail and only a few small platforms to rest, next to open windows for light and ventilation.

 

A single warning sign is painted where the stairs emerge and become a platform: Watch your head.

 

At the center of the room at the top of the building is a huge light bulb. Well, I suppose that makes sense.

 

There’s a green-painted balcony outside, accessible by crawling out an open door. I'm the only person at the top of the building, and I can see no signs saying I can't risk my fool life by climbing through the door.

 

I’m dressed in the brightest neon clothes I could find, with the idea that I’d be easy to find in a crowd if we got separated. I take off my vividly orange shirt and wave it from the balcony. “Hey everybody! I made it up to the top. This is pretty neat.” Nobody looks up.

 

From my all-seeing position, I watch my wife being gently guided from the dune buggy into a row of wooden shacks selling trinkets. He’s probably encouraging her to shop. She’s going shopping, alone.

 

We've become separated in a strange land. I've made a terrible mistake.

 

I did not count them, but I claim that there are just as many steps on the staircase when you are travelling back down. I can show you a straightforward proof to demonstrate the correctness of my assertion.

 

I meet two grade-school-aged boys on my way down. They are slowly making progress upwards, and we can not pass easily on the steps, so I pause at a platform to let them pass. As we separate, I tell them they're about a third of the way to the top. They do not seem discouraged by this news.

 

I reach beach shack #2, and find my wife trying on bracelets as three salesmen flatter her and probe her for hints on our budget. She’s trying to simultaneously indicate to me that she likes the item, and act disinterested to the sales staff.

 

We buy the bracelet. I hate haggling, so I will assure you we paid too much.

 

The legendary convoy of shiny dune buggies arrives at the park. They've parked on the other side of the circle, and our guide is desperate to keep us distracted when we try to wander in that direction.

 

It’s the usual large group tour. Identically dressed tour guides yelling at a disorganized crowd of customers.

 

“We’re still behind schedule, so I want everybody stay together. We're only spending 18 minutes here. Please look at everything quickly and be back at the vehicles on time.”

 

My wife points out that the other group has paper wristbands that look different from ours.

 

I wish I had kept my wristband to confirm the wording, but I'm pretty sure we were given ‘tour guide’ wristbands at the ‘local resident’ price.

 

We get back in the buggy, and open another round of cold beers.

 

“Now we visit the famous ruins.”

 

“Nope. Skip that part. Let’s get out of here.”

 

Retracing our path, we leave the very nice eco park, and return to the highway travelling north along the eastern side of the island.

 

 

 

Hello, everyone! I am "Mrs. Lawn". I have a few details I think are pertinent to my husband's story...but I apologize in advance....I AM NOT at the calibur of entertainment as he. :)

 

Well, on the way TO the lighthouse, the driver is already trying to figure out how much extra money we have to spend...

"And what do YOU do, Senor"...

"I work on helicopters"...

"OHHHHH...how nice, and your wife"?

"I don't work".

(I'm disabled, of course, but he doesn't need to know that tidbit of info...no need to profess I'm a bigger sitting duck than I already am)...Of course, his eyes light up with those big Bugs Bunny cartoon dollar signs in them anyway...OH LORD, I think to myself....

 

We arrive at the lighthouse, and the first thing I see is a lined bunch of parked blue sparkling new dune buggies with the logo of our tour on the sides of some of them. A group of about 25 people are heading over to the lighthouse, right after getting bright green neon wrist bands attached to their wrists by their tour guides...who, BTW, are also wearing blue golf shirts with our shore excursions company's logos on them...but....hey, we are having fun on our tour, right????

 

Our tour guide leaves us in the buggy to go haggle for our entrance wristbands. He comes back with these orange brown and white ones...

 

**side note** I KEPT my wristband....just like I kept the receipt for the shore excursion they tried to keep (because it now had our future killers'/kidnappers' finger prints on them), and everything else I could maintain for the "policia" to use to solve our deaths at some future date...****************************************************

 

I turn to Rick as our guide is putting our wristbands on us and whisper..(OH, I have NO inside voice...so I'm sure our guide and any others within 20 feet of us heard me)...

"Did you notice OUR bands are a different color that the other tour people's...ours are the same color as the others' tour guide's wristbands"

 

 

More proof that we are NOT on the right tour....but we're having fun still, right?

 

I looked down, and on our wristbands had the words "TOURS OPER. FARO"...I'm thinking my Spanish is a little rusty, but this says we are tour guides...LOL!

 

Rick hops out and heads towards the lighthouse, determined to prove to me that he can make it to the top...I decline, and look for a rest room. As I begin to walk towards the Bano signed building, I start to walk past "our true tour", and am stopped by our tour guide...

 

"Where are you going, Senora"?

"Just to find a bathroom, I'll be right back"!

"Oh, allow me to escort you"....as he rushes me past the other group and straight to the restrooms...lol.

 

I pretend I don't know what he is doing. It is more fun that way watching him sweat every 15 minutes. :)

 

Upon returning from the bathroom, there is my guide and 3 other men waiting for me....all 3 chanting "COME WITH US...we have black onyx just for you...good prices...before your husband comes back, you go shopping, yes, Senora"?

 

All of them are saying this as they are corralling me to these tiny shacks....

 

This is it, I think to myself, no one is every going to find my body and I'm going to be sold into white slavery now!

 

The minute I get in shack #2, I realize I left my bag (with my wallet) in the buggy, so I go to get it and our guide says

 

"Hey, where are YOU going"...

 

Oh GOD, he isn't going to let me leave screams in my head...

 

"I left my money in the bag in the buggy" I say...

 

"Oh, I will get it for you"...lol...

 

I say, "No, I'm going, it's OK". He looks on anxiously...

 

I walk past our true tour again, noticing everyone looks very bored and ready to go, but they are stuck there....and thinking to myself...HUH, maybe we aren't in such a bad predicament after all.

 

I look up at the top of the lighthouse....wondering if my husband has made his way to the top yet...only to see his arm returning back into the window with his shirt in his hand...Hmmm, I wonder if he is stuck up there...

 

More to come...stay tuned...

[CruisingwithRickandNik]

And how exactly was this accomplished? I've tried this method several time with no bracelet availed with Nydney1 :( He either misses that I WANT THIS ONE! Or blissfully ignores that I WANT THIS ONE! ;)

 

LOL...after a decade together, we know each other pretty well....and I am not a jewelry person, per se, so the simple fact that I had ON a bracelet probably gave me away. A look was all it took...we still overpaid, I'm sure! :)

[nydney1]

You need to create the everlasting bond that can only occur between true soulmates.

 

You'll also need a lot of candles, silly outfits, a goat named Steve, a steak knife, and ... Well, it's complicated.

 

I told her to name the got Steve, but would she listen. Noooo!

[momonthego17]

"He puts the lotion in the basket". My son in law's favorite movie quote. I'm dying. Here ! Thank you so much for the entertaining read

My DH says that quote alllll the time, but he says (creepy voice) "It rubs the lotion on itself and places it in the basket" then (dramatic pause) "PUT IT IN THE (insert unintelligible mumbled profanity here) BASKET" in a monster-like half-shout.

 

Dinnertime at our house can be interesting, to say the least.

Edited June 3, 2014 by momonthego17

[Mom2JJandJ]

Steve?

[elainmir]

Dangit...all I read was Depeche Mode and I've been singing { People are People so why should it be, you and I should get along so awfully....lol....loved that song!;)

[CleveCruiser]

Can it get any funnier???? Mrs. Lawn, I am LOVING your side of the story - so so so funny.

 

Also...I realize about 50% of Mr. Lawns jokes are probably going over my head :confused:, but I am 100% amused just the same!!! :)

[HeyYouKidsGetOffMyLawn]

Loving this review. It isn't over yet is it? I can not wait until the day of debarkation. I am sure that will be a hoot!

 

I've decided that the review is over.

 

We spent a day at sea. Nothing funny happened. Debarkation sounded simple and easy when they explained it. It was terrible, but that was because of the other passengers. Carnival tried so hard to keep it organized...

 

Did I enjoy my first cruise? Sure.

 

Did I hate Carnival? Not really. The boat was fine. The employees were generally friendly and pretended to care.

 

If it was December 23rd, I would air my grievances, but they seem rather common and boring.

 

Why are we doing our next cruise on the competition? Gosh, I just like the NCL marketing.

 

Would I travel on another Carnival cruise? Yes.

 

It's been fun,

Señor Lawn

[pattimelt]

I've decided that the review is over.

 

We spent a day at sea. Nothing funny happened. Debarkation sounded simple and easy when they explained it. It was terrible, but that was because of the other passengers. Carnival tried so hard to keep it organized...

 

Did I enjoy my first cruise? Sure.

 

Did I hate Carnival? Not really. The boat was fine. The employees were generally friendly and pretended to care.

 

If it was December 23rd, I would air my grievances, but they seem rather common and boring.

 

Why are we doing our next cruise on the competition? Gosh, I just like the NCL marketing.

 

Would I travel on another Carnival cruise? Yes.

 

It's been fun,

Señor Lawn

 

This is NOT the way I expected this to end..

[richstowe]

Well that's not an amusing finale. :(

C'mon, give us a better finale . More Mary Tyler Moore and less Soprano's.

Don't we deserve it ? ;)

[pulsipher2007]

I have to say this is probably the best review I have ever read. I am sorry we overwhelmed you with all our comments. Thank you for your review, it is hard work getting one together. Enjoy all you future cruises no matter what line you sail with.

[gelboydad]

Like most. This is a great review.

[CruisingwithRickandNik]

Can it get any funnier???? Mrs. Lawn, I am LOVING your side of the story - so so so funny.

 

Also...I realize about 50% of Mr. Lawns jokes are probably going over my head :confused:, but I am 100% amused just the same!!! :)

 

Thank you! I KNOW my husband's writing and humor are much better than mine...lol, but I wanted to add a woman's perspective...and add a few details I thought were relevant that he left out of the review...

 

I wondered if I should just keep going from this point on, or go back and start at the beginning where he left out a few things from his earlier stories...

 

Still not sure which I will do...so I will throw it out into the CC universe...

 

DO you guys WANT me to go back and start from the beginning??? :)

 

Mrs Lawn

[YB Nrml]

Yes, please!

[hartsnvt]

Your husband's humor is priceless and he brought joy and laughter into our daily mundane lives. I am sorry that we were demanding and made it become a chore for him to continue. Please give him our regards. You do not have to continue with it, but if you do, any way you do it is fine.

[momonthego17]

That would be great! Looking forward to reading your review!

 

 

Sent from my iPad using Forums mobile app

[CruisingSteelerGirl]

LOST finale ending was better! :cool: One of the few reviews that I actually enjoyed reading! I really enjoyed the humor or it all between you and your wife. Did you guys get home alive.....did you live happily ever after??? Oh well...

[CruisingwithRickandNik]

LOST finale ending was better! :cool: One of the few reviews that I actually enjoyed reading! I really enjoyed the humor or it all between you and your wife. Did you guys get home alive.....did you live happily ever after??? Oh well...

 

I have to agree with you..that's why I decided to pick up where he left off...just wanted to know if you guys wanted me to start from the beginning, or just keep going from here...

 

I have decided to start from the beginning....there were a few priceless tidbits he failed to mention....

 

AND THE SAGA CONTINUES!

 

For those of you who read Tim Dorsey, it is BLATANTLY OBVIOUS that my sweet husband is Serge! So in this scenario, I suppose I am a cross between Coleman and Sharon! (not so sure I like that, but I guess I have Tim Dorsey to thank for that, right)? :)

[HeyYouKidsGetOffMyLawn]

I am sorry that we were demanding and made it become a chore for him to continue. Please give him our regards.

 

It wasn't a chore to continue. I truly have no significant memories of the day at sea. And everybody hates debarkation day, so I have nothing to say that hasn't been said before.

 

I'll make you a deal. The title of the original post was "after action report." So I'll do an actual AAR on Friday.

 

1. Things that went well

2. Things that went badly and I can't improve.

3. Things that I want to do better or differently on the next trips.

 

Perhaps I'll even be able to inject a few milli-Carlins of humor into the post. No promises.

 

Sent from my rotary dial phone by whistling Bell 202 symbols.

Edited June 4, 2014 by HeyYouKidsGetOffMyLawn

[KirkNC]

Thanks for the report!

[CoconutJD]

I have to agree with you..that's why I decided to pick up where he left off...just wanted to know if you guys wanted me to start from the beginning, or just keep going from here...

 

I have decided to start from the beginning....there were a few priceless tidbits he failed to mention....

 

AND THE SAGA CONTINUES!

 

For those of you who read Tim Dorsey, it is BLATANTLY OBVIOUS that my sweet husband is Serge! So in this scenario, I suppose I am a cross between Coleman and Sharon! (not so sure I like that, but I guess I have Tim Dorsey to thank for that, right)? :)

Does he do tours? Mr. Lawn's Florida Experience? :D

[Teekkanie]

Sent from my rotary dial phone by whistling Bell 202 symbols.

 

This quote just made my day. Thank you!

[Nadersmom]

What a wonderful read this has been.

 

I've not read Tim Dorsey before, but one of my all time favorite fictional book characters is Odd Thomas by Dean Koontz. The offbeat humor makes me smile throughout the entire book. Your writing very much reminded me of the writing in the Odd Thomas books.

 

I enjoyed your review immensely. Thank you for the smiles!

Edited June 4, 2014 by Nadersmom

[loubetti]

Thank you, "Sir" Lawn for your great entertainment! :)

 

This will be a review to be remembered!

 

Can't wait for your next one!!!

[pcdaddy]

Never cruised on the Victory before, but you had me at "After Action Report". And it just got better from there. I'm guessing from the context in the review - Air Force / Navy comms type?