diann744 Posted February 27, 2017 #1 Share Posted February 27, 2017 I think most would agree that 2016 had been the “New Coke” of years. Right up there with the Edsel, bottled water for dogs, and the Samsung Galaxy Note 7. So, what were we to do but set out on the high seas to help move the calendar toward 2017 and better days. We took a Lyft to LAX, having decided to brave the big, scary airport and fly direct rather than meander down to the Hollywood – Burbank – Bob Hope – Gene Autry –Brad & Angelina – Jennifer Lawrence Airport where the name is actually longer than the runway. This required xanax and Chardonnay, which we packed for just such an eventuality. We stopped into the Gladstones at LAX for some pre-flight drinks and munchies where I ordered the “seasonal fruit” plate. Apparently, my brain was already in the Caribbean because seasonal fruit in Los Angeles in late November consisted of a bowl of cantaloupe and nothing more. We boarded our first ever Virgin America flight after hearing many people rave about this airline. Apparently, their claim to fame is mood lighting. Which meant that we entered the plane around 10 am to find all the windows shuttered and a very dim cabin indeed. Of course, the window seat passengers could have corrected this but no one seemed so inclined and so we flew the whole daytime trip in almost complete darkness which I thought was a bit weird. Once in FLL,we called the hotel to ask about the shuttle and were told it was full but would come back for us. An hour later,the van did indeed come back but was again full. Eventually we called a Lyft driver but he couldn’t find us. Finally, we gave up and hopped a cab. 2 hours after collecting our luggage, we were checking in at the hotel that was 1.2 miles from the baggage claim. Needless to say, we were pretty cranky when we got to the hotel and that only got worse when the perky front desk person told us (quite cheerfully) that our reservation had been cancelled. Sis managed not to d anything warranting a Code Red incident and whipped out the color-coded file of spindled and mutilated travel docs to prove that we did, in fact have a reservation and we would be staying at their fine establishment if we had tobunker down in the lobby. We’d stayed at this hotel before when it was a XXX but now it was between names as it undergoes upgrades to become a Four Points by Sheraton. It’s not there yet, say 2.5 points but if you can deal with only one working elevator and blackout drapes that we assured were there but seemed to be hiding, it fit the bill. We settled in, meandered across the street to Ernie’s for a grilled ham and cheese on Bimini bread for me and teriyaki chicken on great slabs of said bread for Sis. Wonderful. Then we stopped at the conveniently located CVS next to the hotel for some last minute essentials – tissues for the cabin,cough drops, full size shampoo and conditioner (does anyone else hate that Elemis stuff?) Once back at the hotel we realized that the Evil Twin had left her glasses at the front desk. Since she was less than gentle with the desk dude, I claimed they were mine and made puppy dog eyes until he reluctantly produced them from under the counter. I don’t think he believed me for a second and they were certainly headed for the shredder. Next morning we crawled down the road for pancakes at Denny’s and called an Uber to get us to the pier. We were too scared to call Lyft in case we got the same confused driver as yesterday. That one tried to charge me $5 for being a no-show. I complained that if I was a no-show, so was he and got the charge lifted. If neither party shows, who exactly stood who up? I need to watch An Affair to Remember again. The Uber driver complained the whole way about the traffic and about how little he would be making from our trip. This is our fault, why? Short line to check in but body-slamming aplenty and lots of other bad behavior to be seen. Hopefully, this was not to be the norm for the trip. I need to remind myself that the overly-caffeinated, happy people saying, “this way, this way,” and “right over here,” actually make me insane because I can clearly follow signs, I’ve been here before, the entire crowd is moving in the same direction and I’m not actually an idiot. The lovely woman who checked us in, let’s call her Myopic Myrna, squinted at each of our passports and boarding passes, leaned down until her nose was practically touching the computer screen, looked from one sister to the other and kept swapping out paperwork out in front of us as if she just wasn’t sure who was who. Normally this is not a big problem; Mom couldn’t tell us apart and no harm done. In fact, Christy often got blamed for my antics so it usually worked in my favor. Not this time. We left the desk and made our way onto the ship where we joined different lines to pass through security. I was waved through but The Twin’s security guy puffed up his chest, stood in front of her blocking her way and was clearly giving off signs that there was going to be a“incident.” I looked over to his desk and clearly saw my picture on his screen. When I tried to tell him that, he seemed freaked out that there were now two security threats instead of one. We tried to explain that somehow Myrna had put my pic on both IDs. No one seemed to believe us and even when we explained we were sisters, travelling together, the alarm bells were minutes away. We were asked to wait and many phone calls happened. One security guy went out to interrogate Myrna (who is likely doing time as I write this) and we were both asked the same questions over and over – what room are you in? Me: 7081. Her: 7081. “Both of you?” “Yes, as we’ve explained, we’re sisters, traveling together.” That was not going down at all. Eventually,a Front Desk person was called and escorted us down to check us in all over again. The Twin had to re-do everything from her passport info to her Emergency Contact. But finally,we were in and after running to our room to drop off all the heavy electronics that never seem to work in the Caribbean anyway, we headed to the MDR to checkout our table. I looked at my keycard and saw that we were at Table 75 which was set for four. Never liking to take a chance sharing a table, we decided to go have it changed. Our HAL TA has bought us a Pinnacle reservation for that night at 5:00 and being late diners, we wanted to see if we could change that too. So, I went to the Pinnacle and Her Evilness walked over to the desk set up across the way to sort out the dining table. The Pinnacle folks had us sorted in no time and Sis was quite miffed when the MDR guy asked to see her key card and pointed out that it clearly said Table 73, which is already a table for two. Fine, I’ll buy a pair of readers in the shop. OK, that’s as far as I got on this review. My beautiful sister passed away, against doctors’ orders, and mine, last week. I’m furiously pissed off about that and I’ll get back at her someday, I promise. This is the Chardonnay Sisters checking out. It was a great freaking ride! This review was going to be great and here are some of the lines I was holding in reserve: I hope they make you chuckle. Sounds like a greeting card from a Chinese dollar store I tested negative for affluenza If I wanted to kill myself I’d climb your ego and jump to your IQ I’m pretty sure my spirit animal has rabies People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome. I hate being bi-polar. It’s awesome. An optimist is simply one has yet to hear the news Six out of seven dwarves aren’t happy Whenever the brain and heart fight, it’s always the liver that suffers …wouldn’t even hear the grenade rolling in He could start a fire in a bowl of water Blame the tooth fairy for prostitution. She’s the one who taught kids to sell their body parts for money I’m an indoorsy type Your secrets are safe with me because there’s a good chance I wasn’t listening I’m not insulting you, I’m describing you What is the new testament if not fan fiction? I’m dressed like a carnival ride I think my guardian angel drinks Some people are proof that evolution can go in reverse I stop the microwave at 1 second so I can pretend I just diffused a bomb Wine -- the medicine that makes your mouth work faster than your mind I hate people who use big words just to make themselves loo perspicacious When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on My calling in life went straight to voicemail I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere Our conscience is clear- we don't use it Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool You look like a before picture Dear alcohol, we had a deal where you would make me funnier, smarter,and a better dancer... I saw the video... we need to talk I'm not an alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, but I already have one In principle, I can stop drinking, the thing is – I don't have such aprinciple We all sprang from apes, but some people didn't spring far enough I haven't been ignoring you; I've been prioritizing you The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action I think I figured out Victoria's Secret. She's hungry I'm not afraid of commitment, I'm afraid of involuntary commitment I've learned so much from my mistakes, I'm thinking of making a few more Don't jump to confusions Plan to be spontaneous, tomorrow I love how people say they're "expecting" a baby, as if it might be something else, like a penguin Oops. That should have stayed in a thought bubble Explaining **** is a bit like teaching poetry to fish Don’t judge me because I’m quiet. Don’t mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud. Never insult seven people if you only have a six-shooter Ah, so and so, my constant reminder that Darwin was right I’m indecisive and impatient; I don’t know what I want but I want it now. I’m ambidextrous; I can write illegibly with either hand. I can’t go to the store today because I’m still in my PJs. The same ones I wore to the store yesterday Has anyone ever chosen delayed gratification over immediate? I’m may be superficial but I’m not superfluous I’m in good shape. Round is a shape Well that’s a bear we all gotta cross I still can’t figure out how velcro works Quit shuffling and deal Grey Gardens remake exerting himself to a perspirational degree I broke a few of my clay tablets on the first day and may have missed something important Concentrating so hard I think she must have found a way to get Gilligan off the island Last time something like that happened, Noah was building a boat Some things are better said with an eye roll I rolled my eyes so hard I saw my brain Facebook is the only place where it’s acceptable to talk to a wall Don’t stumble over something behind you I’ve seen these guys. There’s no Kirk, there’s no Picard. They barely have a Jordy Fat enough to pull small moons out of orbit I’d trade that for a tic tac A four way stop is an IQ test you take in public Just saying, I would unplug some people’s life support to charge my phone Not the fastest server on the net I’d have his best intersts at heart but he has no heart and I have no interest Makes my eyeballs itch Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver If I didn’t drink how would everyone know how much I love them at 2 in the morning I wasn't lying, I was just writing fiction with my mouth Plan B has stubbornly refused to reveal itself Your expression does not lend itself to your defense You’re driving me to drink. No,really. Get in the car, you’re driving. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear Revenge is beneath me but accidents happen I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen Sometimes my intense dislike of prison food/the color orange is theonly thing keeping me in line I didn’t say it was your fault I said I was blaming you Thank you very little I am more pissed off than a dragon trying to blow out candles My stomach feels like it's taken up macramé A woman can sometimes make a fool out of a man but most guys are the doit yourself type They say alcohol kills slowly. So what? Who’s in a hurry? I put my scale in the closet and that’s where she’ll stay until she apologizes He's a recovering alcoholic: recovering from last night Why should I learn to be patient? I want to be patient NOW! My liver just won employee of the month The type of people who use summer as a verb If you’ve never missed a plane, you're spending too much time at theairport Sometimes I take baths because it’s hard to drink wine in the shower I don't need a reason to enjoy a little wine. All I need is a glass If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it If procrastination was an Olympic sport, I'd compete in it later I’d say she was approaching forty but I won’t say from what direction I’m not really a social drinker. I’d say most of my drinking iswork related. I do yoga to relieve stress. Actually I drink wine in yoga pants. I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one The best way to deal with fatigue is to sleep it off Never met a cliché he didn’t have a head on collision with All very fascinating in an NPR kind of way Apology accepted. Trust denied. If you stop telling people everything will be sorted out when they’re dead maybe they’ll try to sort things out while they’re still alive. I’m not slurring my speech, I’m talking in cursive Just a whiff of existential despair How Sarah Bernhardt of you Butter – Paula Deen dinner mints I think I’m overdue for an aneurysm The end of an error Not exactly backward about being forward -- karaoke Someone told me I was delusional. I almost fell off my unicorn If a telemarketer calls, give the phone to your three year old and tell her it’s Santa I can’t wait to see his face on a milk carton Suffering from premature disembarkation He could jump into a haystack and get stabbed by the needle Having the kind of day at work where I fear I’m a flight risk She said please as if she wasn't sure if she was pronouncing it correctly I was gonna give her a nasty look but she already had one She gave me a look that made me very grateful she didn't have superpowers He sets an abysmally low standard which he consistently failed to maintain Sorry, I didn’t hear you over the sound of you proving my point I don’t have a bucket list but I have something that rhymes with one I don’t remember much but the fact that i needed sunglasses to open the fridge tells me something After four drinks I’m using **** like a comma She’s now on her “cut your own bangs” glass of wine I got the whole life story and trust me, no one is paying for the movie rights. drink like no one's watching. Or is that dance? whatever You’re a career break for the right therapist. You smell like drama and a headache. Get away from me I'm glad I don't have to hunt for my food, I don't even know where hamburgers live If you mix Taco Bell hot sauce into your ramen, it tastes exactly like poverty Sometimes I write “drink wine” on my to do list just so I feel like I’ve accomplished something This aging thing is really getting old It was surreal. Kinda like when you’re travelling in a different city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 instead of 7:30. I dont meet the height requirement to ride that roller coaster I drink wine for other people's protection I don’t have kids because I’ve seen the village and I don’t want it raising my children It’s not that I’m immature; it’s just that she started it Dinner is poured Trying to understand some people’s behavior is like trying to smell the color nine There’s a nap for that Auto reply – If You Can Read This… then I’m on vacation. I need a 6 month vacation twice a year I pretend to like people all day. That’s called being an adult and why wine is called an adult beverage You can’t drink all day if you don’t start in the morning I have a black dress and I’m not afraid to use it. Cute jacket. It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself I don’t have the blood alcohol level to deal with this right now I’d have better people skills if I was with better people You look like I could use a drink I think my check liver light came on You can’t make someone love you; you can only stalk them and hope forthe best My decision making skills closely resemble those of a squirrel tryingto cross the street I don’t have bad handwriting. I just have my own font Like drinking a glass of hot sand The Grape Depression Mornings are something that happen to other people It has been said that civilization is 24 hours and two meals away from barbarism. I’m ashamed of what I would do to a Klondike Bar right now Pretty sure i can see the inside of my own skull Spilling a full glass of wine is the adult equivalent of letting go ofa balloon Vacation deficit disorder Rolled my eyes hard enough to affect the earth’s rotation It’s important to learn from your mistakes if you want to repeat them perfectly How did it get so late so soon? Fat people are harder to kidnap If heat makes things expand, I don’t have a weight problem, I’m just hot. That girl could find a corner in a round room Satan called, he wants his weather back You know it’s too hot when the chair gets up when you do I wanted to lose 10 pounds before the trip. I only have 13 to go I’m already eating at a Thanksgiving level Mostly what I call cooking is just melting cheese on stuff I once tried to cook something from scratch and ended up summoning ademon Alcohol is the liquid version of photoshop There’s no time like the pleasant – eric idle In alcohol’s defense, I’ve done some pretty stupid things when sobertoo. I’m in the fitness protection program Unlike my cell phones I’m not getting thinner and smarter **** FIT – so happy its Thursday, Friday is tomorrow Moving at the speed of dark It is not MY fault that I never learned to accept responsibility! I blame the scapegoats Horse sense is a good judgment which keeps horses from betting on people Wine flu Looks like something I’d draw with my left hand Don’t be condescending (that’s when you talk down to people) I go online to check my mail and 5 hours later I’m watching a video tutorial of how to talk to a giraffe I’d fight a radioactive bear I’ve never faked a sarcasm in my life Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies are the reason I have trust issues Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Sometimes we just snuggle I’d fake my own death to avoid going to a party I drink wine because I don’t like to keep things bottled up You be Thelma, I’ll be Louise The risk I took was calculated but man am I bad at math The heat index was somewhere between OMG and *** “I love humidity,” said no one ever. Stepped on a lego Not to get technical but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution My patience was fully in the deficit range I know the voices aren’t real but they come up with some really good ideas I’m ready for some blessings that aren’t in disguise Gravity storm I still have tabs open from the Mondale campaign D 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cruise or Lose! Posted February 27, 2017 #2 Share Posted February 27, 2017 We haven't met (on Cruise Critic or in person), but I love you already, and I hope you're on my next cruise, whenever that might be! I am so very sorry that you have lost a piece of your heart and soul (my aunts were twins; one died too young, and the other will never be the same). Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OlsSalt Posted February 27, 2017 #3 Share Posted February 27, 2017 Sunshine and rain together. Those are incredibly funny lines ,except for the .......one at the beginning. I too am so sorry. Thank you for sharing this joy and sorrow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krazy Kruizers Posted February 27, 2017 #4 Share Posted February 27, 2017 I have followed your travels before and really enjoyed them. Sorry for your lose. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
take us away Posted February 27, 2017 #5 Share Posted February 27, 2017 Please know that your sister and your travel antics will be greatly missed! So sorry for your loss. Your postings were some of my very favorites as you 2 traveled the world. Hopefully you will continue to cruise and write your awesomely entertaining and so very literate chronicles. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IndyDenise Posted February 27, 2017 #6 Share Posted February 27, 2017 I am so saddened to hear about your sister. I loved reading about your travel escapades and you always brought a huge smile to my face. I have visions of your sis rocking a bright gold harp shaped handbag now. Again, so sorry. Sent from my iPhone using Forums Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rare ski ww Posted February 27, 2017 #7 Share Posted February 27, 2017 Sorry to hear about your sister. But reading the rest of your post I had a good laugh. Allan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rare puppycanducruise Posted February 27, 2017 #8 Share Posted February 27, 2017 So sad to hear of your loss. I enjoyed reading your travel tales in the past, hoping, someday, you'll be back with more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rare kazu Posted February 27, 2017 #9 Share Posted February 27, 2017 So sorry to hear of your loss. The Chardonnay sisters always provided great tales here and your sister will be missed. You kept her spriti alive with your humour. Prayers for you and your family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jbhcw Posted February 27, 2017 #10 Share Posted February 27, 2017 So sorry for your loss...I've always enjoyed reading your trip reports. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jimbri Posted February 27, 2017 #11 Share Posted February 27, 2017 I am so very sorry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rare POA1 Posted February 27, 2017 #12 Share Posted February 27, 2017 Very sorry for your loss. Our prayers are with you and your loved ones. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skipper's Mom Posted February 27, 2017 #13 Share Posted February 27, 2017 So sorry for your loss. Sent from my XT1064 using Forums mobile app Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shrimp56 Posted February 27, 2017 #14 Share Posted February 27, 2017 My condolences to you and your family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AV8rix Posted February 27, 2017 #15 Share Posted February 27, 2017 Condolences for your loss. Tales of the travels of the Chardonnay Sisters were some of the most delightful postings on this forum. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freestyling Posted February 27, 2017 #16 Share Posted February 27, 2017 My prayers are with you. Please pop in from time to time. Your reviews are great, which I'm sure is a reflection on your sister and yourself. May God Bless Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IRL_Joanie Posted February 27, 2017 #17 Share Posted February 27, 2017 I am so sorry hon for the loss of your awesome sister. I just hope the Evil One will not be joined by you anytime soon. After all darlin, you still have a painting to find:) God Bless Joanie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sammygoose Posted February 27, 2017 #18 Share Posted February 27, 2017 Sorry for your loss. The Champagne Sisters adventures were always a raucous read. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cruising-along Posted February 27, 2017 #19 Share Posted February 27, 2017 I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your sister. My sincere condolences. I have always enjoyed your trip reports, they're some of the best on this board. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sail7seas Posted February 27, 2017 #20 Share Posted February 27, 2017 (edited) I am so sorry to hear of your loss and do not wanr to believe it is true. yOU and your sister povided many of us with such good humor for years and many of us will greatly miss your fun reports. This latestt report is you usual magnidficence ans needss to be perinted an saaved. My best wishess to you as you work through your loss. Surely your wonderdul memoeries and great humor will help see you through. You and yor sister gave us the great gift of laugfhter. THAN K You. you b well and please come back to 'see us when you pic k up the pieces and move along. Be well and be happy.. Edited February 27, 2017 by sail7seas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rare whogo Posted February 27, 2017 #21 Share Posted February 27, 2017 My condolences. I had no idea that this thread would really be The Chardonnay Sisters Last Ride. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DeeniEncinitas Posted February 27, 2017 #22 Share Posted February 27, 2017 I am so sorry of your loss!😔 I always love your adventures with your wonderful sister and you! Denise:) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RJ2002 Posted February 27, 2017 #23 Share Posted February 27, 2017 I have so enjoyed your posts, and am very sorry for your loss. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regnig Posted February 27, 2017 #24 Share Posted February 27, 2017 Dianne, along with so many others I'm send condolences to you and the entire family for the loss of your dear sister. We will all lift our wine glasses this evening in her honor. I'm also sure she was sitting right beside you in spirit as you composed this tread and kept egging you on to add even more humor. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PhoenixCruiser Posted February 27, 2017 #25 Share Posted February 27, 2017 Your post brought tears to my eyes. So very sorry for your loss. Reading about your journeys together made me cry, laugh, and smile and will be sorely missed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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