Allure: Confessions of a solo passenger

[ace1zoe2]

So glad that I only found your review yesterday when someone commented and BEFORE I knew that you were MIA and were going to leave me hanging.

 

And lucky for me by the time I caught up you made your miraculous reappearance to the thread!

 

Guess it was my lucky day. I’ve already sent a link to your review to my cruising buddy. My husband kept asking why I was smiling and laughing out loud at times when I was reading last night.

 

Carry on... can’t wait for the next installment.

 

 

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[hucifer]

DAY 4: POPCORN PETE TESTS MY PATIENCE

 

“It could be worse...it could be raining.”

--Marty Feldman

 

In the morning, I crawl out of my dark cabin, navigate the maze of hallways back to civilization, and walk up a flight of stairs to the Boardwalk to enjoy the day and sniff the sea air and…aw crap. It’s raining.

 

So it’s true. It actually CAN rain on a cruise ship. What used to be considered a myth that only existed in fairy tales and folklore, actually is happening. I can rub my eyes and squint as much as I want, but that rain isn’t a figment of my questionable imagination. It doesn’t dampen my spirits, but it makes my favorite places to hang out less desirable. And since I have an interior2 cabin (patooey!), there aren’t a lot of choices. Royal Promenade or…yeah. That’s pretty much it.

 

Today is Jamaica Day. I’m excited because it’s another beach excursion. I’m not excited because the weather isn’t cooperating. I walk through the sterilized port area of Falmouth to the check-in area. The area is clean and pretty but definitely not authentic Jamaica by any means. So kind of a fake Jamaica. Not totally unlike the Fake Haiti I saw yesterday. The Disney Fantasy is parked at Falmouth too. Yes, I said parked. For as much as I love Disney, one day I am going to take one of their cruises. For three times the cost. When I am rich. Or finally get myself a Sugar Daddy.

 

A bus takes us to the Blue Waters Beach Club. This is an all-inclusive excursion through Royal. I thought $60 was a value, considering that it is ALL YOU CAN DRINK, plus includes lunch. Also, you can drink. As much as you want. Not sure if you knew that. An umbrella costs an additional $10, so I guess it really cost me $70, but is a bargain on a rainy day like today. I park myself on the sand, umbrella protecting my head, open my Kindle, and listen to the waves. This is all I really needed. The sun would be a bonus, but isn’t necessary. A young couple choose chairs near me, but the lounge chair right next to me (and therefore right under the umbrella) is empty. I say, “I will share my umbrella for the low low cost of $5.” Okay, not really. I say, “I am so desperate for human interaction that I am willing to share my umbrella for free.” Or something like that. Anyway, it works. They move down. After the “You’re vacationing ALONE?” round of questions.

 

The couple are very pleasant to talk with. Young things. We chat almost the whole time that we were on the beach. Later on, a busy mom of a toddler stops to chat with me about crunchy mom things (nursing, baby wearing, etc), and it really feels like a day ripe with socialization. The extrovert side of me is quite content after a few days of much alone time.

 

But let me take a second to talk about my favorite part of this excursion. The drinks. I start with the Pain Killer, and I like it, but the couple next to me have these wacky blue drinks. “What is THAT?” I ask. They tell me that it is called Ocean Blue and that it is good. Well, they were wrong. It is AWESOME. I order a few of them and started to feel the effects of the alcohol. Then I begin to wonder how blue the vomit will be at 3am.

My red hot feet and a Jamaican beach

The rain lets up a few hours later. Lunch is served buffet-style and it is very good. There are a few choices of meat to choose from, or take all three if you want, and several sides. The meal is better than the stuff I had the day before at Labadee. I take my plate to the sitting area and ask to sit next to two women.

 

After the initial pleasantries and the round of “you’re vacationing by yourself?” questions, I ask the ladies if they are sisters or friends. The older woman smiles and says, “Mother and daughter.” The daughter does NOT smile and asks if she should be offended.

 

[shovels food in mouth]

 

Maybe I should go for broke and ask, “How far along are you in your pregnancy” while I’m at it.

 

After lunch I crawl back to my lounge chair and continue to enjoy the cloudy afternoon, throwing the delicious blue drink into my mouth. I can’t offend anyone else if there’s liquid in it.

 

Ocean Blue, baby!

The bus takes us back to Falmouth and I walk past all the vendors and to the ship. I must be some freak of nature, but I am a woman who does not like to shop. I could go down the “I am too cheap” route, but honestly, shopping is not in my blood. So vendors…stop wasting your breath and trying to entice me into your damn store. Because girlfriend ain’t buying. For my fellow non-shoppers, here’s a free tip: saying “I’ll be right back, I have to poop!” stops the pesky salesman from bothering you. Holding your rear is optional. It’s brilliant, brilliant, brilliant! But by the time you work your way down through 72 vendors, the whole port knows your bathroom habits. So there’s a tradeoff.

 

Coming up: Day 4, part 2

[hucifer]

So glad that I only found your review yesterday when someone commented and BEFORE I knew that you were MIA and were going to leave me hanging.

 

And lucky for me by the time I caught up you made your miraculous reappearance to the thread!

 

Guess it was my lucky day. I’ve already sent a link to your review to my cruising buddy. My husband kept asking why I was smiling and laughing out loud at times when I was reading last night.

 

Carry on... can’t wait for the next installment.

 

You totally ninja-posted on me.

 

Yep, your timing was impeccable to join the thread. I am glad that you're enjoying it (and sharing it!). That's funny about your husband asking what you were laughing at. Last night my son was asking me what I kept laughing about, and I said, "Responses to my thread."

[textbookcase]

I’m so enjoying your review! I’m doing my first solo cruise on Allure next month ❤️

[oceanblue33]

Everything is ok in the world hucifer is back and well. Really missed your skill of writing.

[hucifer]

I’m so enjoying your review! I’m doing my first solo cruise on Allure next month ❤️

 

You're going to love it! There is no shortage of things to do or people to talk to. Or whatever your desire is. She is a WONDER.

 

Everything is ok in the world hucifer is back and well. Really missed your skill of writing.

Aww, that made me feel good. Thank you. :)

[dreadpirate3]

Hi. Glad you have returned. I missed your wit.

 

I'm going to fake Haiti in January.

 

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[Mermaid-ooxx]

OK, reading this review has been like reading a good novel... I've laughed, I've cried (from laughter) and I've waited in anticipation & suspense for what will come next on the adventures of Hucifer. Thank you so much for your wonderful review. I read middle school essays all day, and it's such a pleasure at the end of the day to read something so fun. I'm taking my first solo trip in June of 2019, and I love hearing from people who've already solo'd.

[hucifer]

Hi. Glad you have returned. I missed your wit.

 

I'm going to fake Haiti in January.

I don't know whether to applaud or apologize. I was not a fan of Labadee. Also...thank you. ;)

 

OK, reading this review has been like reading a good novel... I've laughed, I've cried (from laughter) and I've waited in anticipation & suspense for what will come next on the adventures of Hucifer. Thank you so much for your wonderful review. I read middle school essays all day, and it's such a pleasure at the end of the day to read something so fun. I'm taking my first solo trip in June of 2019, and I love hearing from people who've already solo'd.

Well, my sophomore-ish humor should be quite relatable then to your middle schoolers. Congrats on your first solo trip! You are going to love it, whether you are introvert or extrovert. So many solo cruisers on this thread! How awesome is that?

Glad you're enjoying the review. :)

[dreadpirate3]

I don't know whether to applaud or apologize. I was not a fan of Labadee. Also...thank you. ;)

Snip

:)

 

I'm treating it like a scenic beach day. I would like to explore as much as I can, but it's not the main reason we're going on this cruise.

[Ocean Boy]

So you got into a relationship more important than us? But that is over and we are still with you.;)

 

Reading this from Freedom right now. We were in fake Haiti yesterday. I like visiting other people's home and culture. Labadee is neither. I have never liked the place but it is a good trade off for an extra day eight night cruise.

 

Good to see you back.

[hucifer]

I'm treating it like a scenic beach day. I would like to explore as much as I can, but it's not the main reason we're going on this cruise.

True, a beach day in Labadee is better than watching your 11yo play Mario Kart. Which is what I'm doing right now.

So you got into a relationship more important than us? But that is over and we are still with you.;)

 

Reading this from Freedom right now. We were in fake Haiti yesterday. I like visiting other people's home and culture. Labadee is neither. I have never liked the place but it is a good trade off for an extra day eight night cruise.

 

Good to see you back.

Thanks Ocean Boy (who, one day, hopes to be Ocean Man). It was stupid and wrong, but yes, I put some dude ahead of all of you faithful readers. Whatever my punishment is, I hope it involves half-naked men. Please please please please

Enjoy the Freedom! I am more partial to the Independence, myself, having been on both. She holds a special place in my heart.

[Ocean Boy]

True, a beach day in Labadee is better than watching your 11yo play Mario Kart. Which is what I'm doing right now.

 

Thanks Ocean Boy (who, one day, hopes to be Ocean Man). It was stupid and wrong, but yes, I put some dude ahead of all of you faithful readers. Whatever my punishment is, I hope it involves half-naked men. Please please please please

Enjoy the Freedom! I am more partial to the Independence, myself, having been on both. She holds a special place in my heart.

I also prefer Indy but RCI never consulted me about which ship I wanted doing the eight nighters from Ft. Lauderdale.

 

And.... I hope to always be Ocean BOY at heart.:)

[KmomChicago]

So glad that I only found your review yesterday when someone commented and BEFORE I knew that you were MIA and were going to leave me hanging.

 

And lucky for me by the time I caught up you made your miraculous reappearance to the thread!

 

Guess it was my lucky day. I’ve already sent a link to your review to my cruising buddy. My husband kept asking why I was smiling and laughing out loud at times when I was reading last night.

 

Carry on... can’t wait for the next installment.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

You're welcome. That someone who commented and thereby bumped up the unfinished review was me, not that anyone is giving me any credit, which is fine, because I don't need it and this is not about me anyway(mmm-hmm, sure it's not, but you celebs are nothing without your fans, so remember that) (impatiently drumming fingers for, like, months, waiting. . . what is this, HBO?).

 

And maybe Hucifer was going to miraculously bump herself anyway later that same day and it were merely a co-inky-dink that I threw my worthless 2 cents into the mix out of nothing but sheer, fed-up exasperation.

 

You see Hucifer is a fellow fan of legendary reviewer Harry Fat where she has foolishly used her other name, perhaps another nom de plume or perhaps something from real life perhaps, and she learned well from Legen Dary Harry. Furthermore said author is doing a bang-up job on her review here, (or was, anyway, until the extended absence which may have been excused per grade school rules but was no more enjoyable to any of us than if it were flat out truancy).

 

Yes I do feel better.

[hucifer]

You're welcome. That someone who commented and thereby bumped up the unfinished review was me, not that anyone is giving me any credit, which is fine, because I don't need it and this is not about me anyway(mmm-hmm, sure it's not, but you celebs are nothing without your fans, so remember that) (impatiently drumming fingers for, like, months, waiting. . . what is this, HBO?).

 

And maybe Hucifer was going to miraculously bump herself anyway later that same day and it were merely a co-inky-dink that I threw my worthless 2 cents into the mix out of nothing but sheer, fed-up exasperation.

 

You see Hucifer is a fellow fan of legendary reviewer Harry Fat where she has foolishly used her other name, perhaps another nom de plume or perhaps something from real life perhaps, and she learned well from Legen Dary Harry. Furthermore said author is doing a bang-up job on her review here, (or was, anyway, until the extended absence which may have been excused per grade school rules but was no more enjoyable to any of us than if it were flat out truancy).

 

Yes I do feel better.

Kmom, you're right that you have been faithfully bumping my thread for months and that I did not acknowledge it. I am sorry for that. I felt overwhelmed by the number of posters that kept waiting for my return, and I didn't know where or how to start, which is why I didn't say anything.

 

Your last bump happened, coincidentally, when I was ready to return. I had just ended a relationship that ate up all of my free time, so now I am ready to finish this bad boy. And thank people like you for never giving up on me. So...thank you, Kmom.

 

Humbly, Wendy

[hucifer]

DAY 4, cont: POPCORN PETE TESTS MY PATIENCE

I get ready for dinner and show up on time, per usual. And fifteen minutes later, here is what I see:

 

 

Table for...one? Is everyone trapped by Jamaican vendors?

 

Gerry keeps stopping by and asking if anyone else is coming. I said that I was pretty sure Tom was coming, but had no idea about the rest of the table. This is why I A) show up on time for dinner, and 2) inform the waitstaff of my alternative plans. They are busy enough taking care of us, they shouldn’t have to keep checking to see if we show up or not. Tom walks up shortly after I take the photo. I think another couple showed up tonight. I think. I don’t know, I didn’t take any notes and my memory isn’t reliable. It’s an age thing.

After dinner I hit the How To Train Your Dragon ice show. Let me preface by saying that I love this movie and that I love ice shows. But this particular performance does little for me. Mostly because it is very short, too short to really do the story justice. They speed through it so quickly that the plot isn’t well executed. If I didn’t know the story, I wouldn’t have understood it well. That, and the storyteller lady parks her big fat butt right in front of my seat and blocks half of the show.

 

Lady! Move your big fat butt so I can see!

That’s not the only reason my seat is lousy. As a solo guest, I have plenty of seat choices. I choose one by the aisle because I think I would have a good view. I mean, besides of the storyteller lady’s huge head. A couple sits next to me, but the man gets up to get popcorn or something shortly before the show starts and leaves an empty seat right next to me. The man takes FOREVER to get the popcorn. And as people are trickling in closer and closer to showtime, the quantity of people asking “Is that seat taken?” keeps growing and growing. At first I would smile at the guest and tell them no, that it’s taken by a man who will return when he damn well feels like it. But as more and more people ask, my smile fades away and now I am just grumbling no, move on people. And announcements are saying not to save seats, and I feel like a turd for saving a seat that isn’t even mine. And people just keep on asking. I want to just thumb at the Popcorn Pete’s wife and say, “Ask her.” It is getting obnoxious, and I am getting irritated. I want to say yes, sit there, please! The show starts, Popcorn Pete still hasn’t returned, people are still quietly pointing at it and asking me if it’s saved. Let’s remember the Mama Mia! seating, and how I was surrounded in empty seats that no one wanted. A family of eight could have sat next to me. And I would have been thrilled to have neighbors. But not one person asked to sit next to me for that performance. Curse you, Popcorn Pete!

[waves fist angrily]

So…yeah. I don’t recommend the show or the seat. Or sitting next to that guy.

After dinner, it is time for High C’s at Dazzles. I get to Dazzles super early, cuz you have to. Dazzles isn’t the most audience-friendly space. Seating is weird and limited, so you have to get there in plenty of time if there is an event you want to see. I get a seat right next to the stage. The band is SO much better tonight. This kind of music is more their element than the previous night at Central Park. WOW do they rock it with Stevie Wonder, Earth, Wind, and Fire, Tower of Power, and Average White Band. Totally outdo themselves. This becomes my favorite live musical performance of the entire trip.

Love love love!

After the show, I walk upstairs to the Boardwalk and wander around. Loving life, feeling good. The Aqua Theatre has a water show going on. I’m pretty sure it was mentioned on the Cruise Compass, but I am not aware of it. So I consider it an impromptu surprise on the amazing vessel that is known as The Beast.

 

But what IS on the Compass that I notice is a musical performance from the singers of Mama Mia at Jazz on 4. No jazz tonight. But the event is not disappointing. Some of them were phenomenal singers. My favorite performance is when Sophie and two male singers perform a trio of Disney songs. Really, really good stuff.

WOW do I love this ship.

Coming up: DAY 5, part 1: BETTER THAN JESUS ON A CRACKER

[KmomChicago]

Kmom, you're right that you have been faithfully bumping my thread for months and that I did not acknowledge it. I am sorry for that. I felt overwhelmed by the number of posters that kept waiting for my return, and I didn't know where or how to start, which is why I didn't say anything.

 

Your last bump happened, coincidentally, when I was ready to return. I had just ended a relationship that ate up all of my free time, so now I am ready to finish this bad boy. And thank people like you for never giving up on me. So...thank you, Kmom.

 

Humbly, Wendy

 

You're welcome, and anyway, I wanted you back as much as all the rest. Well, maybe not as much as some of your new male admirers, but that is another trip report. Thanks for your triumphant return. Since your review started, my family has sailed on Allure's big sis, Oasis of the Seas, and loved her just as you loved The Beast. They are incredible ships.

[hucifer]

You're welcome, and anyway, I wanted you back as much as all the rest. Well, maybe not as much as some of your new male admirers, but that is another trip report. Thanks for your triumphant return. Since your review started, my family has sailed on Allure's big sis, Oasis of the Seas, and loved her just as you loved The Beast. They are incredible ships.

I'll be taking my boy on the Oasis this August! We are so excited!

[hucifer]

DAY 5, part 1: BETTER THAN JESUS ON A CRACKER

“When you're a fat guy you don't need a reason to sweat. Guys come up to me and go ‘Jeez, what have you been doing, jumping rope or something?’ ‘Umm, no... I peeled an orange about an hour ago, why?’"

-- Kevin James

 

 

I throw caution to the wind and decide to try Johnny Rockets for breakfast. Look. I like the Windjammer for lunch most of the time. That first meal on the ship was awesome. But their breakfast? Awful. It is the same. Damn. Thing. Every. Day. And. Every. Cruise. It’s the Groundhog Day of breakfasts. Oh look…fried eggs, greasy hash browns, and bacon again. Day after day. I have been to Disney World more times than I have done cruises, and I have enjoyed many wonderful breakfast buffets there, so I know that a variety of hot breakfast dishes are out there. But Royal’s breakfast buffet blows. Completely unimaginative and repetitive.

 

Johnny Rockets doesn’t offer a huge list of choices on their (free!) breakfast menu. But I order this potato and veggie thing with some eggs thrown on top and guess what? It was delicious! Much better than the Windjammer. And also, I really like the free part. And also, I really like that the place was deserted at the time I went, knowing full well that the Windjammer would be jammed, as it always is. Probably why it is named that way.

 

 

Behold the meal that kicked Windjammer's breakfast @ss

 

Not only is the JR breakfast better, but the view is better. The Beast is so beautiful, inside and out, and right now I’m not really sure if I am inside or out. But no matter. It’s a lovely space to eat in. The woman behind me is Virginia and she is eating alone. We strike up a conversation. She asks what I am doing on this fine sea day and I tell her I don’t know.

 

 

And a merry wienerschnitzel to you, too.

I love sea days. I love them more than port days, which is why cruise itinerary means little to me. This may sound sacrilegious, but Caribbean islands are not so different from each other. Not that I don’t love them, but Western vs. Southern vs. Eastern…all the same to me. Like the Jackson brothers. Outside of Michael, you can’t identify Tito from Jermaine from Marlon from LaToya. You adore/tolerate/scorn them all and their weirdness, but you just can’t tell them apart. So just give me sea days and a sprinkle in a few tropical beaches. And maybe a Tito or two.

 

So Virginia says that she has choir at 10. I tell her that I had no idea that there was a choir on The Beast. She says, “It’s been in the Compass. Today is the second day out of three. You’re welcome to come. The musical director from Mama Mia teaches it.” Not one to deny the world of my extraordinarily gifted pipes, I tell her that I may show up.

 

But let’s go back to her “It’s been in the Compass” comment. Today is the second day of being offered, and the second day that I missed seeing it. That damn Compass for The Beast is SO PACKED WITH ACTIVITIES that stuff like this is very, very easy to overlook. Like the water show last night. And I read every Compass that Julio puts on my bed.

 

Even with a calendar packed full of things I miss, I look up at the zipline and rock climbing wall and think…today. I am going to finally try these things. Earlier in the week I was walking on the Boardwalk and hear a “ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz!” from above. I look up and see a zipliner whizzing by. Now, I have been ziplining on Kauai, so I know the two won’t compare. But still. I should do it, right? And the rock climbing wall. I have never done that, even with all the Royal cruises I’ve been on. Today is the day I try that too. Maybe.

 

 

She's got back, I cannot lie

I show up at Jazz on 4 for choir practice at 10am. Virginia gives me a wink when she comes in. Linda, the musical director, introduces herself and welcomes me to the group. She has this uncanny ability to remember everyone’s name. We are given songs and lyrics and I must admit that Linda worked miracles in an hour. She even broke us up into two parts. We sounded very good. Virginia stood behind me and WOW did she have an amazing voice. At the end of the hour, Linda tells us that we practice for one more hour on the last sea day, and immediately afterwards will be the concert. She encourages us to bring our friends and family.

 

[on the phone] “Mom? Can you come to the Allure in two days? I’m in a choir and we’re performing for loved ones. About fifteen minutes. No, you can’t stay on the ship. What? No? What kind a mom are you?”

 

Looks like I’ll be performing for no one.

 

After choir, there is little happening around the ship that warrants my attention. It is another rainy day, which is threatening the International Belly Flop contest. I meander around the ship like a lost puppy and wait for opportunity to jump out at me. Nothing did, so I find myself climbing the bazillion steps up to the Windjammer for a little lunch.

 

I walk in, rub my hands in Purell, grab a silverware/napkinroll, and head to my usual spot. Then I see something that makes me stop dead in my tracks. Empty tables by the windows. ARE YOU READING THIS PEOPLE? EMPTY TABLES BY THE WINDOWS. This is like catching a unicorn. Or discovering Hoffa’s body. Like, this stuff doesn’t just happen. I sprint for the table and fling my body on top of it before anyone else can claim it. But I still have to get food, so I put my silverware/napkin roll and Compass on it and pray they will still be there when I return. I don’t want to have to go all primeval on anyone if they take my coveted spot.

 

Now that I have a plate full of food and prime real estate to eat it in, I sit down in my four-person table and eat. That’s right. I am hoarding a table for four, and there’s only one of me. I believe that after eating in a high chair all week, I am justified for one day to pamper myself. Too bad the weather isn’t lovely to stare at. And even as the Windjammer starts filling up and I am long finished with my meal, I don’t move. I am feeling super selfish today. Plus, I want to pet the pretty unicorn/Hoffa corpse just a little while longer before it disappears forever, back into obscurity.

 

[bares teeth and growls at people eyeing my table]

 

 

Holy crap, that's a lot of food.

Once I feel that I have adequately obtained my money’s worth from that spot, I get up and relinquish it to the starving family of four who had been waiting an hour for my table, holding their cold plates of carved roast beast and French fries and staring at me with pleading, watery eyes.

 

The International Belly Flop contest is cancelled because of weather. Well, there went my big plans for the day. Guess the only other thing left to do is nap. Hope Julio is done cleaning my cabin. I bet he was super happy to do it too. Seriously the happiest cabin steward ever. I stick the No Moleste card in the card holder and throw myself onto the bed. All this eating is exhausting.

 

After an hour’s nap, I am groggy and need to wake up slowly. I turn on the TV. Now, I travel a lot, both for work and pleasure. Back in 2016 I was gone for sixteen weeks for work alone, and there were many weeks I was away to Florida or Colorado or the Caribbean for pleasure. And when I am away I rarely turn on the TV. There is too much food to eat or too many people to hang out with. I listen to music a lot in my room, but there have been countless trips when I never even touched the remote.

 

So I turn on the TV, which is weird for me, and I skip around the channels while I shake off the grogginess. Then I catch the cruise director show. Jimmie, the cruise director, and Grant, the activities manager are chatting away about The Beast’s activities and news. Who knew they had their own show? Okay, you can all put your hands down. Obviously I didn’t. They banter back and forth for awhile. At the end, they read viewer shout-outs. Which gives me an idea.

[evil grin]

 

Coming up: Day 5 part 2: ROBO, MY PERSONAL ESCORT

 

[Biker19]

Looks like I’ll be performing for no one.

You never know who might be watching. ;)

[hucifer]

You never know who might be watching. ;)

Certainly not my mom.

 

Should I be creeped out or flattered?

[Biker19]

Should I be creeped out or flattered?

Depends on who's watching.:cool:

[hucifer]

Depends on who's watching.:cool:

Please please please be Robo

 

[crosses fingers]

[Biker19]

Please please please be Robo

Perhaps, but I think the CC crowd is looking for the next story installment.

[Judie]

We are waiting breathlessly [emoji106][emoji106]❤️❤️

 

 

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