Allure: Confessions of a solo passenger

[sharse]

Because I’m anonymous on these boards I can freely admit I LOVE ABBA and really enjoyed Mama Mia. And given that I’m a classically trained soprano who will be on the Allure next month I thank you so much for letting me know about the choir. I think it is a tough call: Am I looking more forward to the choir or the cocktails?

[Judie]

Because I’m anonymous on these boards I can freely admit I LOVE ABBA and really enjoyed Mama Mia. And given that I’m a classically trained soprano who will be on the Allure next month I thank you so much for letting me know about the choir. I think it is a tough call: Am I looking more forward to the choir or the cocktails?

 

 

 

Oh boy! The choir master will LOVE having you there! I also love ABBA’s music, and I’ve seen Mamma Mia at home and in other cities several times. [emoji106][emoji122]❤️

 

 

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[Royal2464]

I don’t know what that breakfast dish from Johnny Rockets is called but I am making a special trip there this week to give it a try.

[John&LaLa]

I don’t know what that breakfast dish from Johnny Rockets is called but I am making a special trip there this week to give it a try.

It's the covered and smothered hash browns.

 

Order them with half the potato and twice the veg. The fried egg is a nice touch.

 

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[hucifer]

Perhaps, but I think the CC crowd is looking for the next story installment.

 

We are waiting breathlessly [emoji106][emoji106]❤️❤️

Oh good, I still have readers! I was beginning to wonder...

 

Was busy with the boy this evening and plan to post tomorrow.

[hucifer]

Because I’m anonymous on these boards I can freely admit I LOVE ABBA and really enjoyed Mama Mia. And given that I’m a classically trained soprano who will be on the Allure next month I thank you so much for letting me know about the choir. I think it is a tough call: Am I looking more forward to the choir or the cocktails?

No shame in loving Abba or Mama Mia. Dancing Queen is kind of a classic.

 

You'll enjoy the choir! I am a non-classically trained alto, myself. Why not blend choir and cocktails?

[hucifer]

I don’t know what that breakfast dish from Johnny Rockets is called but I am making a special trip there this week to give it a try.

 

It was really good, and beat the pants out of any breakfast that Windjammer has ever offered me.

 

Order them with half the potato and twice the veg. The fried egg is a nice touch.

Ooh, good idea!

[Royal2464]

It's the covered and smothered hash browns.

 

Order them with half the potato and twice the veg. The fried egg is a nice touch.

 

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Thanks John. Does it not ordinarily come with the egg on top?

[John&LaLa]

Thanks John. Does it not ordinarily come with the egg on top?

I don't recall. I kind of abandoned JR's after our PC ascension. CK has 7 different egg breakfasts. Different one every day

 

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[KmomChicago]

Because I’m anonymous on these boards I can freely admit I LOVE ABBA and really enjoyed Mama Mia. And given that I’m a classically trained soprano who will be on the Allure next month I thank you so much for letting me know about the choir. I think it is a tough call: Am I looking more forward to the choir or the cocktails?

 

No one will know you on the ship either. Seems like the only thing to do is knock back a few before each session. I know from back in my drinking days that I sing much better when loaded.

[hucifer]

DAY 6, part 2: ROBO, MY PERSONAL ESCORT

 

After wasting an hour of television, I jump in the shower and get ready for dinner. I switch the No Moleste card to Moleste so that Julio can moleste my room again, which I’m sure he’s been checking his watch impatiently and waiting for the opportunity to do so.

Julio was here. Robo? Pfffffft. I wish.

 

No notes on dinner, so neither the food nor the company stand out. Maybe it was Italian night, with the napkin-waving and O Solo Mio silliness. Maybe it was the parade of wait staff night. Or maybe it was lobster night.

 

Speaking of which, let’s talk about that lobster tail for a second, people.

 

[pulls up chair]

 

First of all, they try to disguise it on the menu by calling it “Fisherman’s Wharf Plate of Stuff” or something like that. Second of all, I really wish I had taken a picture of this thing they call a “lobster tail” because no one would believe me when I try to describe how tiny it is. Gerry puts the plate down and I say, “I’m sorry, Gerry, but I ordered the lobster.” He nods and points at the plate. “That’s it.” And I stare at my plate in horror. This meal should come with an apology. I was waiting for Ashton Kutcher to jump out with a camera crew and tell me I was punk’d. I imagine in lobster school, this little guy was called “shrimp” by his peers and then he would sneer back and say in his high, squeaky lobster voice, “Real original, guys.” If a fly landed on it, it would cover the entire tail. I considered swaddling and breastfeeding it. I almost sent it back to the kitchen and told them to give it nine more months to grow before it could graduate to appetizer status.

 

[hidden around the corner] Waiter: Psst…Juan. Guess what day it is? Guess! Guess!

 

Juan: Is it lobster night already?

 

Other waiter: Watch that big guy in the yellow shirt. He’s about to get served.

 

[Juan snorts] This is my favorite part.

 

[pause]

 

[sudden laughing fit]

 

Juan: It never gets old.

 

After my lobster bite, I wander back out to the Promenade. Brasil ‘17 is playing above the crowd. It’s wonderful that everyone gets to hear them out here. I grab a chair from Sorrentos and plop down. Their music sounds extra good tonight and I feel so happy. It is formal night, and folks are scurrying to and fro in beautiful clothes. I know bringing extra clothes and dressing up can be a pain, but I enjoy seeing so many men dressed up in suits and tuxes. I love the formality of it all; feels extra special. Like a real traditional cruise. Marry that up with a little jazz and I am in heaven.

 

I'm sure the men won't find the band. Like a Where's Waldo photograph.

Three very nice looking men stop directly in front of me to watch the band. I tap one on the arm and say, “Not that I’m not enjoying the view, but I can’t see the band.” They look down at me. Two of them apologize, as it’s clear that they had not seen me sitting there. But one gets snarky and says there was no reason to be sarcastic. I said, “No sarcasm. I really meant it that I appreciate the view.” The one that I had tapped flashes me a gorgeous smile and gives me a wink before they move on. Too bad they play for the other team.

 

[sigh]

 

Brasil ‘17 finishes up and encourages everyone to hear their set at Jazz on 4 the following evening. Pfffft. Like I needed to be encouraged. I want to jump up and shout, “Remember me? I’m your groupie!”

 

I wander up to Central Park. There is a solo guitarist playing. Next to him is a big jar that says Tips. Now, let’s think about this people. We are on a cruise ship. Where our Sea Pass is used for currency. I don’t know about you guys, but I don’t carry cash around the ship and I’m pretty sure I’m not going to put my Sea Pass in his jar. So…if this guy wants tips, I can write “Don’t eat yellow snow” or “Avoid pesky salespeople by telling them you have to poop” on a stickie and drop it in.

Plays for tips. Or not.

I walk to the other side of the park, sit on a bench, and listen to the music that I didn’t contribute to monetarily. His guitar music is very nice and gives the park a peaceful ambience. The pathway is still wet from the rain we had all day. There I see the tiniest little toad hopping across the pathway and into the greenery. That’s right. A toad. ADORABLE. And if there is one tiny toad by the bench, that means somewhere around here there are MORE. So Central Park really does have its own eco system. How awesome is THAT? Can I love this ship any more than I already do?

 

It’s almost time for the comedy show, so I walk back through Central Park, pointing and snorting at the tip jar as I walk past the guitarist.

 

There is a line in front of the comedy club, which I assume is the line for folks who have reservations. So, like the idiot I am, I go to the back and wait. And then I see him walking up to the line. It’s HIM.

 

Robo.

 

[Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warne’s “Up Where We Belong” starts. Robo suddenly catches my eye and realizes it’s me. He drops his clipboard and runs into my arms in slow motion. The people in line simultaneously applaud and cheer as Robo and I lock into a passionate embrace, then he lifts me off of my feet and carries me off to my interior2 cabin.]

 

There he is, in all his sexy glory. With his clipboard. But no sunglasses. Grandpa Yates use to say there are only two kinds of people who wear sunglasses indoors: blind people and @$$holes. Then he would nod his shiny bald head and stroke his pedophile moustache while he contemplated more nuggets of wisdom like, “Readers are leaders,” and “Never loofah your privates.” He was always so colorful with his words, God bless him. But I digress.

 

Robo walks to the standby line and says, “Just a few more minutes, folks. There should be room for everyone.”

 

“This is the STAND-BY line?” I ask, disdain thick in my voice. “Oh, for the love of Popcorn Pete.”

 

Robo finally notices me. “Well yes, it is,” he coos. Maybe he cooed. I don’t know. But I am doing everything I can to keep it together now that I have his attention. “Do you have reservations?”

 

“Yes,” I say, voice thick with lust.

 

“Well then, follow me.”

 

“Anywhere,” I say. Yes, I really said that. No shame here. With a sexy personal escort on my arm, a sense of superiority overcomes me, and I sneer at all the standby people in line as I pass them to the entrance of the club. I feel like Taylor Swift on Justin Timberlake’s arm, walking down the red carpet on Oscar night as we pass all the commoners on the sidelines. Considering I have an interior2 cabin, this is pretty much my only opportunity to feel superior to anyone.

 

Knowing this is my opportunity to lay it on thick, I flirt with Robo like he and I are the last two people on the cruise ship. He scans my Sea Pass and tells me to sit anywhere. I want to tell him that I choose his lap, but discretion took over. I did tell him that he is still hot and I give him my best Hucifer smile. I am feeling a lot braver than I did on Day 2. I can’t tell if he remembers me but he gives me ample attention and flirts back quite a bit before heading back out of the club to assist the commoners in line. I’m trying to convince myself it’s not just because he has to be nice to the passengers. Even the old, smelly rejects like myself. Wait.

 

[sniffs armpits]

 

Yep. Still applicable.

 

Robo is the host for the comedy show. He says a few things that I really can’t hear over the blood in my ears, and then the first act comes on. This first guy is almost all improvisational and does a fantastic job. He picks on an old man in an outrageous outfit and we all laugh at the old man’s expense. Good times. He also picked on couples were freshly dating on the cruise. “What’s there to look forward to after a CRUISE?” He asks.

 

The second guy…well, he had me laughing too. One part that stuck out was when he makes the gestures that he was pleasuring himself while listening to his neighbors in their cabin. Crude? Oh yeah. Right up my alley. I approve.

Robo makes my special spot all tingly

So far, Allure has been a real win with the entertainment. Well above all of the other cruises I’ve taken.

 

And then I decide to watch the Battle of the Sexes Game Show.

 

[cringes]

 

This is a sour memory for me, folks. One that I don’t like to talk about. But since I know you’re dying to hear all about it, I will pacify my faithful readership. All four of you. Or three. Math is hard.

 

Let’s start with the fact that I show up early to Dazzles, as usual and I go to my regular area to sit, which is next to the stage. Keep in mind that I am alone, so I only need one seat. There are several empty seats, at least six, but every time I approach an open chair, I am turned away.

 

“Sorry, that’s taken.”

 

“Nope, they just went to get drinks.”

 

“Don’t even think about it.”

 

I feel like a high school nerd holding a tray of food and trying to eat with the cool kids in the cafeteria. I half-expected them to trip me on the way out and then laugh as my food and glasses go flying out in front of me. Not that I wear glasses. Or was carrying food. But you get the idea.

 

It ends up being a blessing in disguise. I take my social reject self to one of the back areas to sit. Apparently this event is more popular than the last few I had attended at this venue. When the show starts, they ask for an even number of men and women volunteers to come on stage. Then they ask the men and women to make their own circle, and encouraged everyone else in the venue to fill in either one. Whoever had more was the winner. I did not participate and I was glad that women weren’t trying to drag me up there. The women win and the bar folks go back to their seats. This is a stupid game so far, but whatever. I’ll keep watching.

 

The cruise director staff girl then tells the volunteers that they have to carry a keychain across the stage and drop it into a bowl. She demonstrates by walking to the bowl and throwing the keychain in. “Aww, but that’s too easy,” the girl says. “You can’t use your hands or mouth. You have to use…”

 

[dramatic pause for effect]

 

“…your buttcheeks.”

 

This is when I get up out of my chair and walk straight out of Dazzles. I am no prude. I can tell jokes that would make a sailor blush. But apparently I have a threshold that even I didn’t know about until that moment. I am so grateful that I am sitting in the back and next to the exit.

 

I walk straight to my interior2 cabin [patooey!], Robo-free (dammit), and go to bed.

 

 

Coming up:

DAY 6: FIVE EASY STEPS TO BECOMING A MURDER TARGET

[Royal2464]

You are one funny and entertaining lady. I had the breakfast dish this morning at Johnny Rockets. Got daring and added bacon with the eggs - outstanding!

[hucifer]

You are one funny and entertaining lady. I had the breakfast dish this morning at Johnny Rockets. Got daring and added bacon with the eggs - outstanding!

Thank you, Royal Man. Glad I could encourage you to try JR for breakfast. Way tastier and less hectic than going to the Windjammer.

[Royal2464]

Thank you, Royal Man. Glad I could encourage you to try JR for breakfast. Way tastier and less hectic than going to the Windjammer.

You are welcome. I received a crystal Oasis block today. I always look for a first time cruiser or newlywed couple to gift it to, but if you were here it would be yours.

[accio_7]

 

 

Let’s start with the fact that I show up early to Dazzles, as usual and I go to my regular area to sit, which is next to the stage. Keep in mind that I am alone, so I only need one seat. There are several empty seats, at least six, but every time I approach an open chair, I am turned away.

 

 

 

“Sorry, that’s taken.”

 

 

 

“Nope, they just went to get drinks.”

 

 

 

“Don’t even think about it.”

 

 

 

I feel like a high school nerd holding a tray of food and trying to eat with the cool kids in the cafeteria. I half-expected them to trip me on the way out and then laugh as my food and glasses go flying out in front of me. Not that I wear glasses. Or was carrying food. But you get the idea.

 

 

 

 

 

I’m glad it worked out, but, man, people suck [emoji24] You can sit next to me anytime, hucifer!

 

 

 

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[Judie]

We’re so glad you’re back, Hucifer.

 

Signed, your loyal CC groupies

 

 

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[Biker19]

All four of you. Or three. Math is hard.

Just an FYI - your thread has over 81K views and only 390 posts. That is one of the highest ratios on CC.

 

Biker, who is not sure how Hucifer feels about numbers.

[Ocean Boy]

Just an FYI - your thread has over 81K views and only 390 posts. That is one of the highest ratios on CC.

 

Biker, who is not sure how Hucifer feels about numbers.

You may have turned her off with that word. We already know her feelings about math.

[Jdaniels679]

Thanks for this review. It was such a fun read. :) I will be cruising on Allure this fall as a solo traveler, and I thought this was truly helpful.

[buzzard05]

...between the "I'll be right back, I have to poop", and the Caribbean Islands/Jackson 5 analogy, you have brightened an otherwise crappy morning :)

 

So glad you are back to finish this!

[hucifer]

You are welcome. I received a crystal Oasis block today. I always look for a first time cruiser or newlywed couple to gift it to, but if you were here it would be yours.

 

OMG! I would be so happy to receive it! Thank you for the sentiment. :)

 

 

I’m glad it worked out, but, man, people suck [emoji24] You can sit next to me anytime, hucifer!

 

And I would totally take you up on that, too.

 

The worst part was that no one was nice about it. I was far nicer when I was saving Popcorn Pete's seat.

[hucifer]

We’re so glad you’re back, Hucifer.

 

Signed, your loyal CC groupies

 

It's people like you that made it worth coming back for. Thank you!

 

 

Just an FYI - your thread has over 81K views and only 390 posts. That is one of the highest ratios on CC.

 

Biker, who is not sure how Hucifer feels about numbers.

It's all in the title. People see "confessions" and they're intrigued in what lurid tales I will spin. Much to their disappointment (and mine), there were honestly few confessions to speak of.

 

 

I feel that numbers are super important. And stuff.

[hucifer]

You may have turned her off with that word. We already know her feelings about math.

Right?

[hucifer]

Thanks for this review. It was such a fun read. :) I will be cruising on Allure this fall as a solo traveler, and I thought this was truly helpful.

 

There's more to come! I am so happy that this was helpful for you. You will love the Allure and all she has to offer...including Robo. Mrowr.

 

 

...between the "I'll be right back, I have to poop", and the Caribbean Islands/Jackson 5 analogy, you have brightened an otherwise crappy morning :)

 

So glad you are back to finish this!

Glad to oblige. :p Hope your day gets better.

Glad to be back!

[John&LaLa]

Just an FYI - your thread has over 81K views and only 390 posts. That is one of the highest ratios on CC.

 

Biker, who is not sure how Hucifer feels about numbers.

The ratio would be even higher if you took out all those 'where did Hucifer go?' posts

 

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