travelnap Posted April 20, 2020 #401 Share Posted April 20, 2020 Now that is a great Show and Tell. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paulpgr Posted April 21, 2020 #402 Share Posted April 21, 2020 What is Celibacy? Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances. While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.” He then addressed the men. “Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?” Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently and whispered, "Pillburys All Pupose, isn't it?” And thus began Frank's life of celibacy. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CILCIANRQTS Posted April 21, 2020 #403 Share Posted April 21, 2020 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RickT Posted April 21, 2020 #404 Share Posted April 21, 2020 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goofysmom99 Posted April 21, 2020 #405 Share Posted April 21, 2020 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CILCIANRQTS Posted April 22, 2020 #406 Share Posted April 22, 2020 1 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paulpgr Posted April 22, 2020 #407 Share Posted April 22, 2020 Life truths - irony division Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good. Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good. Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good. So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it’s God’s will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath. Nine important facts to remember as we grow older: 1. Death is the number 1 killer in the world. 2. Life is sexually transmitted. 3. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 4. Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich. 5. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years unless you give them your email address. 6. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing. 7. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. 8. In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take ***** to make it normal. 9. Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RickT Posted April 22, 2020 #408 Share Posted April 22, 2020 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goofysmom99 Posted April 22, 2020 #409 Share Posted April 22, 2020 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rare WrittenOnYourHeart Posted April 22, 2020 #410 Share Posted April 22, 2020 5 hours ago, CILCIANRQTS said: And the 13% who do are OrangeTheory Fitness members!!! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CILCIANRQTS Posted April 22, 2020 #411 Share Posted April 22, 2020 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paulpgr Posted April 23, 2020 #412 Share Posted April 23, 2020 Daddy, I am coming home from Australia, to get married soon, so get out your cheque book. LOL I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me, he lives in Scotland. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two months of relationship through Viber. My beloved and favorite Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding." Lots of love and thanks, Your favorite daughter, Lilly Dad’s reply .... My Dear Lilly, Like Wow! Really? Cool! Whatever....., I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through Paypal. And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on eBay. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paulpgr Posted April 23, 2020 #413 Share Posted April 23, 2020 Daddy, I am coming home from Australia, to get married soon, so get out your cheque book. LOL I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me, he lives in Scotland. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two months of relationship through Viber. My beloved and favorite Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding." Lots of love and thanks, Your favorite daughter, Lilly Dad’s reply .... My Dear Lilly, Like Wow! Really? Cool! Whatever....., I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through Paypal. And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on eBay. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luv2sail7 Posted April 23, 2020 #414 Share Posted April 23, 2020 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CILCIANRQTS Posted April 24, 2020 #415 Share Posted April 24, 2020 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paulpgr Posted April 24, 2020 #416 Share Posted April 24, 2020 Old Man And The Beaver An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up... The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, 'Things are great and I've never felt better.' I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. "So what do you think about that Doc?" The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season." One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun." "As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. "Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor. The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver." The doctor replied , "My point exactly." 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rare C-Dragons Posted April 24, 2020 Author #417 Share Posted April 24, 2020 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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Rare C-Dragons Posted April 24, 2020 Author #419 Share Posted April 24, 2020 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rare C-Dragons Posted April 24, 2020 Author #420 Share Posted April 24, 2020 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paulpgr Posted April 25, 2020 #421 Share Posted April 25, 2020 The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.' Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...' 'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.' 'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?' 'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat! After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?' 'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.' 'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!' 'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.' 'My, that's a lot!' gasped Mrs. Smith. 'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.' 'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said. 'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. 'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.' 'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith. 'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look' 'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. 'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. ‘Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.' Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?' 'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.' 'Tripod?' 'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.' Mrs. Smith fainted 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rare NMTraveller Posted April 26, 2020 #422 Share Posted April 26, 2020 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rare NMTraveller Posted April 26, 2020 #423 Share Posted April 26, 2020 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edunava Posted April 26, 2020 #424 Share Posted April 26, 2020 Good morning from Barcelona. Some Spanish humor: - Good morning, do you have crocodile shoes ??? - No, sorry we don't have. - OK thanks. Let's go crocodile, they don't have shoes for you 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edunava Posted April 26, 2020 #425 Share Posted April 26, 2020 - Doctor, you think I will lose my eye. - Well, I don't think so. I put it in his pocket. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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