Paulpgr Posted April 8, 2020 #301 Share Posted April 8, 2020 A Burglar was seen by his next door neighbour kicking is own front door down. When asked what are you doing that for? He replied "I am working from home today" 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paulpgr Posted April 8, 2020 #302 Share Posted April 8, 2020 WHO ON EARTH DREAMS THESE UP? Venison for dinner again? Oh deer! • A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy. • I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest. • Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes. • England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. • I tried to catch some fog, but I mist. • They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo. • I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now. • Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. • I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovemycruisetoo Posted April 8, 2020 #303 Share Posted April 8, 2020 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fouremco Posted April 8, 2020 #304 Share Posted April 8, 2020 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rare C-Dragons Posted April 8, 2020 Author #305 Share Posted April 8, 2020 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denny01 Posted April 8, 2020 #306 Share Posted April 8, 2020 I know some of these are repeats, but i thought all together they were pretty good: My quarantine diary Day 1 – I Can Do This!! Got enough food and wine to last a month! Day 2 – Opening my 8th bottle of Wine. I fear wine supplies might not last! Day 3 – Strawberries: Some have 210 seeds; some have 235 seeds. Who Knew?? Day 4 – 8:00pm. Removed my Day Pajamas and put on my Night Pajamas. Day 5 – Today, I tried to make Hand Sanitizer. It came out as Jello Shots!! Day 6 – I get to take the Garbage out. I’m So excited, I can’t decide what to wear. Day 7 – Laughing way too much at my own jokes!! Day 8 – Went to a new restaurant called “The Kitchen”. You have to gather all the ingredients & make your own meal. I have No clue how this place is still in business. Day 9 – I put liquor bottles in every room. Tonight, I’m getting all dressed up and going Bar hopping. Day 10 – Struck up a conversation with a Spider today. Seems nice. He’s a Web Designer. Day 11 – Isolation is hard. I swear my fridge just said, “What the hell do you want now?” Day 12 – I realized why dogs get so excited about something moving outside, going for walks or car rides. I think I just barked at a squirrel. Day 13 – If you keep a glass of wine in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face. Day 14 – Watched the birds fight over a worm. The Cardinals lead the Blue Jays 3–1. Day 15 – Anybody else feel like they’ve cooked dinner about 395 times this month? Den 3 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rare WrittenOnYourHeart Posted April 8, 2020 #307 Share Posted April 8, 2020 15 minutes ago, Denny01 said: Day 6 – I get to take the Garbage out. I’m So excited, I can’t decide what to wear. Apparently - at least per an article a friend posted on the social media site that rhymes with PaceShook - people in Australia are getting decked out in "fancy dress" to take the garbage out! (Yes, the first time I heard that term - on a British podcast about running - I was very confused as to why people would be running in formal gowns and tuxes. Then I saw a picture and figured out that "fancy dress" means something very different to the Brits. And apparently Aussies.) 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovemycruisetoo Posted April 8, 2020 #308 Share Posted April 8, 2020 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bob278 Posted April 8, 2020 #309 Share Posted April 8, 2020 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goofysmom99 Posted April 8, 2020 #310 Share Posted April 8, 2020 Public Service Announcement: Every few days try on your jeans. Pajamas and yoga pants will have you believing all is well. 😱 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CILCIANRQTS Posted April 8, 2020 #311 Share Posted April 8, 2020 1 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RickT Posted April 9, 2020 #312 Share Posted April 9, 2020 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Prost Seattle Posted April 9, 2020 #313 Share Posted April 9, 2020 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paulpgr Posted April 9, 2020 #314 Share Posted April 9, 2020 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paulpgr Posted April 9, 2020 #315 Share Posted April 9, 2020 > Today's riddle for seniors... Here is the situation: > > You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed > > On your right side is a sharp drop-off. > > On your left side is an elephant travelling at the same speed as you. > > Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to > overtake it. > > Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo. > > What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation? > > > > <Scroll down> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > <Scroll down> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > <Scroll down> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > <Scroll down> > > > > > > > > Get off the merry-go-round and go home, you silly old sod! 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rare C-Dragons Posted April 9, 2020 Author #316 Share Posted April 9, 2020 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rare C-Dragons Posted April 9, 2020 Author #317 Share Posted April 9, 2020 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CILCIANRQTS Posted April 10, 2020 #318 Share Posted April 10, 2020 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rare NMTraveller Posted April 10, 2020 #319 Share Posted April 10, 2020 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paulpgr Posted April 10, 2020 #320 Share Posted April 10, 2020 WHO ON EARTH DREAMS THESE UP No 2 I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me. • This girl said she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. • When chemists die, they barium. • I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down. • I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words. • Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations. • I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. • Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils? • When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. • Broken pencils are pointless. • What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paulpgr Posted April 10, 2020 #321 Share Posted April 10, 2020 On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended, I stopped in to visit my ageing friend. He was busy covering his private parts with black shoe polish. I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back". 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paulpgr Posted April 10, 2020 #322 Share Posted April 10, 2020 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bob278 Posted April 10, 2020 #323 Share Posted April 10, 2020 Our new home. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bobndee Posted April 10, 2020 #324 Share Posted April 10, 2020 OK, here's one for us pseudo-intellectuals: René Descartes was sitting in a bistro, drinking wine. The waiter came over and asked "Would you like more wine?" Descartes replied "I think not." POOF! Descartes disappeared! 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CILCIANRQTS Posted April 10, 2020 #325 Share Posted April 10, 2020 3 hours ago, bobndee said: OK, here's one for us pseudo-intellectuals: René Descartes was sitting in a bistro, drinking wine. The waiter came over and asked "Would you like more wine?" Descartes replied "I think not." POOF! Descartes disappeared! Cogito ergo sum! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Please sign in to comment
You will be able to leave a comment after signing in
Sign In Now